Monthly Archives: December 2009

Now Playing Near You: Blue Balls!


It’s Chrriiiissstmmmassss time!

It's just that my parents always said that blue people were just lazy...

And if you haven’t spent all your money buying people stuff that they either secretly don’t want or you secretly want for yourself, you’re probably going to want to see a movie or two during the holiday break.

Well, you’re in luck. Movie reviews for you!

Now Playing in Theaters

  • Avatar: In which humans infiltrate a blue-skinned alien species to steal their unobtanium–a material whose name alone tells you how great this story is going to be. Their plan? To send a broken-down man into the arms of a woman from the alien race, meaning that James Cameron spent $500 million and 14 years to make Jungle Fever 2.
  • Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. gets another role that requires him to do coke in order to “get into character”. Jude Law is cast as Watson, and also as the guy with bail money when RDJr wakes up high in Miley Cyrus’ bed. Hollywood!

    The First Rule of Crack Club: DO TRICKS FOR CRACK

  • The Princess and the Frog: Disney tries to get into the “black game” rather belatedly. The country’s already celebrating Obama, Lil’ Wayne and The Real Housewives of Atlanta. So what does Disney do? They say, “let’s do a story featuring someone black, and let’s do it in the most magical city for black people here–New Orleans!”. Next up: a latino boy is the central hero of The Amazing Misadventures of the Illegal Gardener. It takes place in East LA.
  • It’s Complicated: Somehow someone convinced Hollywood execs that a great, worthwhile movie would be a romantic comedy about Meryl Streep (kinda weirdly old bird hot )and Alex Baldwin (who has successfully finished devouring the other Baldwins). With me so far? And then, seeing that the movie needed more star power, signed the edgy up-and-comer Steve Martin. There’s nothing complicated about this. It will suck. Trust.

    "Man; if you ate your brothers anywhere near as well as you eat...."

  • Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel: Hey, I get it. Kids need movies too. Lord knows there aren’t enough of them, since I was movie-theater raised on Jungle Fever, Predator and Harlem Nights–a virtual pitch-perfect guide to How To Raise Your Children To Want to Be On A Reality Show. But look; these Chipmunk movies are an insult to children everywhere and parents who grew up on Alvin, Simon and Theodore will most likely toss their children at the screen in disgust. Movies like this are more obnoxious than bowl games, more obnoxious than High School Musical movies, and certainly more obnoxious than that commercial with the clubbers and the taxi cab driver singing along to Biz Markie. You know who probably dresses and thinks the chipmunks he’s brought in and reared can sing? Robert Downey Jr.! Crack kills, kids–unless you’re Iron Man. Or a British dick.

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Cameron Diaz

Ok, so it’s been awhile. I know that. You know that. But you know what? Sometimes The Kids needs a break, and sometimes, it’s good to make you all miss this blog. It’s healthy. I want you to have it taken away from you and make you just go balls-ballistic when it comes back.

And so, we’re back.

Picking up where we left off, we’re midway through our entries of the worst celebrity faces in Hollywood. it’s a fact* that all of these faces were used as concept drawings for Where the Wild Things Are and Pokemon.

Bruce Jenner.

Goldie Hawn.

Maggie Gylennhaal.

LL Cool J.

Wendy Williams.

That’s a year’s worth of flaccidity right there alone. Time to push it to two.

Ladies and gentlemen: Cameron Diaz.

Worst Celebrity Faces #5: Cameron Diaz

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Craven

True story**: when New Line Cinema purchased the rights to make a movie adaptation of the Dark Horse comic book The Mask, they were prepared to spend around $20 million to make the film due to the extensive special effects and fugly creature face molding they’d have to pay someone for creating the Mask’s mask. But then, something happened during the casting call: Cameron Diaz. Her face alone saved the movie $2 million. As a matter of fact, they originally cast her to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey should it be discovered 8 years too soon that he actually isn’t funny. If you check the DVD director’s cut credits, you’ll actually see Diaz listed as “The Mask (stand-in)”. But yes; $2million saved. How? Well, they still hired her for the film, and once Cher learned they weren’t making a sequel to Mask, she backed out, leaving only Diaz. But this worked because in her first make-up session, they applied a plastic mold to her face, and quickly sent that to the SFX department with a message saying “Use this for Mask“. Presto! No need for computer-animation when you’ve got Cameron Diaz on set. This mold was later used for the Masters of the Universe film, Joan Rivers’ 8th face, Alien Resurrection and as Shaquille O’Neal’s decoy whenever he needed to distract paparazzi by leaving his house.

Ripped from the headlines!

Cameron Diaz, along with Maggie Gyllenhaal and one yet-to-be-named-face (maybe next entry?) make up 2/3’s of something I call the “Mug Carousel”. This will be explained later once it’s complete, like Voltron, and not prematurely discussed and given to you half-assed like our healthcare plan. Just know that they’re on there.

I know what some of you are thinking, “But Kids–Diaz is hot!”, and you’d be right, if you were into trannies. To me, Diaz looks like one of those “ripped from the headlines!” episodes of Law & Order–you know, the one where it’s revealed that guest star Ed O’Neill isn’t a mild-mannered father of two working at the local Shop N’ Save, but really a high food-chain Czech guy dealing in human trafficking. When the L&O detectives discover this and bust-up the orgy shop hidden behind the butcher section, the 3rd world pros strung-out back there in skimpy clothes and mouth sores always look like Cameron Diaz to me. I actually imagine that’s how she was discovered; she probably wandered onto the set of an L&O episode, mistook the hooker extras for real street girls and thought, “I’ll sleep here tonight…in America, girl sleep anywhere”….and was discovered by Sam Waterson. Something like that.

Let’s put it this way***: they decided to write-in the scene where Stiller’s spunk gets used as Diaz’s hair-gel in There’s Something About Mary because when Stiller first saw her, he actually tossed his nut-nectar in her face because he didn’t have holy water, which is what one normally uses when facing nosferatu. They also considered calling the movie There’s Something About Mary–Oh Wait, It’s That She’s Kinda Fugly.

Diaz in another sticky situation.

Hey; want something fun for Halloween next year? Go as Cameron Diaz! Just make her face and then wear short skirts and laugh constantly to distract people from the fact that secretly you shouldn’t be interacting with”surface people” (it worked on Timberlake). Here’s how to make her face:

  1. get silly putty and put it on your face
  2. imagine your mom doing porn
  3. hold that look of horror
  4. hold it
  5. hold it
  6. ok; now take off the putty
  7. place putty on a counter to cool
  8. call mother to apologize
  9. go back to putty and pick it up
  10. take it to bedroom
  11. fuck it
  12. rest
  13. fuck it again
  14. sloppily apply “Whore’s Cherry” red lipstick
  15. done!

Cameron Diaz folks: You don’t want to be In Her Shoes. Get it? It’s a movie, with her. I’m clever. And nauseated.

*not a fact

**not close to being a true story

***and by “let’s put it this way”, I mean, “here’s another lie”


Filed under Celebrity Mugs

Worst Celebrity Faces: Wendy Williams

It’s time for another entry in WCF.

It’s the latest list from The Kids that’s brought you such mugs as Bruce Jenner and Goldie “I wear my privates on my face” Hawn. You can see the prior entries by clicking on the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.

Otherwise, it’s on with the show, eh?

Once again, we’re peering at the underbelly of the Hollywood/celebrity world, finding the faces that foster fear, food-spewing and general what-the-fuckery.

The latest mug?

Wendy Williams!


Worst Celebrity Faces #6: Wendy Williams

I have a confession to make: I really don’t like Wendy Williams.

At all.

Not even a little bit.

If Obama came to me and said, “Kids, the country’s getting over-crowded and we can’t send them to Mexico or the Canadian wilderness like the old days. I need you to do some population control and I need you to do it now. Find some place to stash embarrassing ugly people that are taking up space here and keeping our penises soft with all their not-prettiness. You’re a blogger, right? You must have the power to do it. Whatever you want to do, do it.  I’m a Democrat, so I don’t care what or how much–spare no expense. And between you and me, if you have room in your plan for Michelle too, I’m cool with that. Really. I am. Hilary and I kinda got this hate-sex thing goin’ and….man does she hate Bill. And me. You should see the things she can do with a filibuster. Whatever, I’m rambling. Do your thing.”

And then I’d say, “it’d be my pleasure, sir” and then I’d reach for Michelle (“come on, tramp, you heard the POTUS”).

So instead I’d have to take the next best person: Alicia Keys. And then I’d take her, Fergie, Tyler Perry, Oprah and that weird-looking guy on Gossip Girls and launch them into the sun in a shuttle.

But you know who else’d be on there?

Wendy Williams.

I listened to Wendy Williams on the radio for a number of years; she was a pretty hot personality here on the East Coast. She was always so catty and chatty and gossipy and whatnot that her show was good for passing time on the NJ Turnpike passing all the oil refineries along the highway that they use to cook poor black people from Newark in.

But then, as her personality grew, her appearances did too, and eventually I actually saw what Wendy looked like.

At first I was confused: why’s Bill Cosby wearing that funny wig?

And then I looked again and said, “oh I get it–this is like when they teach the bears to ride the tricycle, only with a microphone, and instead of a circus there’s a radio station, and all of the bear fur’s been shaved, so we can see this bear’s  man tits and man-bear tallywhacker”.

Wendy Williams’ face is the stuff of comic book legend. I went to her Wikipedia page convinced of this, but found boring things listed, like:

  • born in Asbury Park, NJ
  • attended Northeastern U in Boston
  • rescued Han Solo from carbonite
  • radio DJ in NYC; talk show host
  • official Big Foot sponsor for Beef Jerky commercials

Boring! I mean, really; Northeastern University?

Anyway, what it was really missing was her tragic, comic book-like origin story, which I believe must be something like:

  • born on a faraway planet, parents were shot and killed in front of her and then loaded with her onto a space shuttle before planet exploded

    The transformation begins.....

  • landed on earth, raised by Al Sharpton and Esther Rolle
  • on a routine HS field trip to a science museum, bit a radioactive sloth, given super powers of huge face-ness and man hands

Or maybe even:

  • Tyra Banks was a mild-mannered lab technician before she was blasted with a gamma bomb. Now, whenever she’s horny, she turns into Wendy Williams.

Something like that.

So what’s her deal? Well, for one thing, Wendy’s had issues in the past with cocaine (“HULK WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING WHEN HULK HAVE RELATIONS WITH MEN, GOATS”), and the fact that she’s open about the fact that her breasts are made entirely of silicone and whatever they couldn’t use for Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts officially leaves only Popeye’s and KFC with interesting secret recipes for breasts.

Whatever her story is, Wendy Williams is celebrity #6 on our beloved list of Celebrity Mugs....and is complete!


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Worst Celebrity Faces: LL Cool J

Now that we’ve engorged ourselves on Iverson and Tiger, it’s time to return to our countdown of celebrity mugs. Be forewarned: this list will most likely get sidetracked again due to the following things happening in The Kids’ world:

  1. stomaching my way through Alicia Keys’ newest album to give it a review
  2. vomiting through nose, eyes and anus from looking at these celebrity facesLL's gotten in too deep. See that there? That's a play on words.
  3. reviewing Tiger Woods’ sex life

So, be ready. Hope you enjoyed the preview of things to come.

Anyway, so far we’ve looked at Goldie Hawn and Bruce Jenner–two faces used to create a composite sketch for “Gollum” in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And then we dove into the folds of puppet fabric that is Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face.

This time we’re Def Jam-ming this list with the inclusion of LL Cool J.

You know LL; he of the lip-licking raps, he of the rapper-turned-shit-movie-actor trend, he of the “let’s continue diarrhea-watering down network TV by creating a show starring LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell!”.

That LL Cool J.

Let’s have a look, shall we? We shall.

Worst Celebrity Faces #7: LL COOL J

One of my all-time favorite memories (besides seeing Salma Hayek in Desperado) was watching my best friend in HS–we’ll call him “Flash” for ID reasons–serenading the girl he loved (at the time, before he discovered porn days later) with a song in our school’s parking lot. In front of her boyfriend.

Anyway; the song?

“Hey Lover” by LL Cool J (feat. Boyz II Men).

At the time, I laughed. I mean, it was pretty fuggin’ funny. But I also, both then and now, respected the fact that he did that. He manned-up, did a man-thing (and at the tender age of 15!), and taught me something very valuable: LL Cool J songs can get you some play. Now, admittedly, Flash didn’t get the girl, but everyone there–the girl, her boyfriend, me, the school mascot, our boy “Dave” who later became a Taliban terrorist, even Flash himself–were all really impressed with experiencing that moment, and I’m willing to wager that everyone of us there has a soft spot for “Hey Lover” now, and, by extension, LL too.

I know how much he’s lingered in my own life; besides trying to recreate that moment myself with a girl in college (by crooning lines from “Momma Said Knock You Out”–didn’t work), and later, at my wedding reception, during the

Tonight's Iron Shark Secret Ingredient?: LL COOL JJJJJJJJJ!

Mother-Son dance, in the middle of “Rainbow Connection”, I caught Flash’s eye in the crowd and suddenly turned to the DJ and said, “Smurf this song; put on some LL Cool J” and–presto!–Mom and I slow-danced to “Doin’ It”. Worked too; my mom cried the whole time the song played.

Anyway, I mention all those moments because they were all about Saving Face; they were about retaining some semblance self, of dignity, of mother-son bonding.

And this is why LL’s face–literally and figuratively–has become so painful to look at. LL represents what’s gone wrong about the mainstream assimilation of hip-hop; I mean “Momma Said Knock You Out” used to be a manly growl, a predatory forwarning, an alert to someone that their ass was about to be handed to them in bite-sized pieces.


Now that song is comfortably sandwiched between Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “Redneck Woman” on “Karaoke Night!” at the local Applebee’s.


LL got into that Hollywood coke and started doing movies like Halloween H20 (LL battles Mike Meyers!), Deep Blue Sea (LL battles smart sharks! SMART SHARKS!), Charlie’s Angels (LL battles the 2/3 of the Mug Carousel*!) and S.W.A.T. (LL battles another movie with Sam Jackson!).

And then, after perhaps indulging himself on too much smart-shark meat, the once-chiseled LL began looking more like Biggie Smalls.

So he–I don’t care what anyone says–got ribs removed.

Somethin' like a phenomenom.

And then–and I don’t care what anyone says–he got his face done.

And now? Now LL looks like something akin to one of the Neville Brothers after a fire accident.

I mean, I get it; how many times can you spend your hip-hop nights parked in a dark SUV with DMX listening to him talk about how “…on the real? Prison love was the only love that loved me back, dog. Only that. It’s where I got “Ruff Ryders” from, dog! ARF! ARF!” before thinking, “maybe carving my face to look like a Daffy’s store mannequin and hanging with Chris O’Donnell ain’t so bad.”

Still, LL’s lost a lot of face. I don’t care how much he’s gained since by reversing the clock. I don’t care that thanks to Hydroxy Cut, Red Bull and a scalpel he looks like a well-fed Allen Iverson (when he wears a Kangol).

I miss “Round the Way Girl”.

I miss “Head Sprung”.

Hell I even miss “Fatty Girl”.

Come back to us, LL–DMX needs you.

*more on the Mug Carousel later


Filed under Celebrity Mugs

Worst Celebrity Faces: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Hello friends.

The Kids has returned to add another entry to “Celebrity Mugs”-a collection of the fearsome faces fugly-ing their way through Tinseltown. If you weren’t a believer in things that go bump in the night before, this list will make you one.

You can see the previous entries in the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.

Have some more Sherry, Baby

I’d suggest having some Tums on hand, or maybe some ginger ale, or at least have your McAfee running since this carnival of faces is bound to make something upset.

But now, it’s time for our next entry.

I should note something on here, too: these entries have been assigned #’s, but they in no way actually refer to the pecking order of mug-ness–it’s just the order that I’ve done these. Well, aside from the person that will be #1, but if you read this blog or know me personally, there’s a good chance you can guess who’ll be occupying the #1 spot.

But getting there will be a lot of fun, so on with the trip, eh?

Worst Celebrity Faces #8: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal, big brother to Hollywood actor Jake “the Reese Witherspoon Snake” Gyllenhaal, is one of those actresses that people love to trumpet as “interesting looking” or “unique” or “dog-like” which are all sweet ways of saying “low self-esteem hook-up!”.

Why so serious?

When I first saw Maggie Gyllenhaal, it was back in the 2002-03 movie Secretary with her and James Spader playing a secretary and her boss engaged in a bizarre relationship that consisted of spanking and coffee. At first, when I read the movie description I thought “sweet; hello Friday night in!”, and promptly ordered a Papa John’s pizza, stripped down to my boxers (for extra chubby-air) and clicked out the lights. Once the movie started however, I quickly found myself flaccid and full of pepperoni pizza, convinced that I’d somehow missed the first 20mins of the movie that would explain how, when, and why someone had spanked the secretary’s face with what appeared to be a waffle-maker.

And then, when I went to see The Dark Knight in the theaters, it took me about 45mins to realize that Maggie G wasn’t the Joker, which was awkward after I had already leaned over to my wife and said knowingly, “I bet she turns out to be the Joker….or maybe Batman.” Want to know if you’re spending too much time in a dark cave with your manservant? When you surface and think, “I’m going to date the Penguin”. It didn’t help that the Maggie Gyllenhaal-Katie Holmes swap had a level of WTF-ery that I hadn’t experienced since they flipped Aunt Viv’s on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I remain convinced that on some level Batman (Bale) knew that Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart) was hotter.

Maggie’s face can best be described as “Jim Henson workshop concept art” and is probably best seen in movies like Labyrinth or that Garbage Pail Kids movie.

Things that would improve Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face:

  • a beard
  • breasts on her face
  • another waffle iron

    Hold still.

  • Extenze

It’d be the best episode of Dr. Beverly Hills 90210 ever.


Filed under Celebrity Mugs

The Dark Knight Returns

In a city that prides itself on shooting first, it was only natural that the 76ers re-signed their most popular sports figure of the last decade or so:

Iverson sends a message to the Grizzlies, Nuggets and Pistons

Allen Iverson.

It made sense for a lot of reasons, too:

Roster Problems:

The 76ers, (now) at a 5-15 and losing their starting PG Lou Williams for about 8 weeks now, were in desperate need for some PG help now. Yes, they’ve got rookie Jrue Holiday, but when your 2nd-string hopes rely on someone whose name sounds like one of Santa’s ghetto elves, you might want to start looking at the free agent pool. Plus, moving Jrue into the starting lineup made the 76ers’ bench thinner than Mischa Barton. Now that they’ve signed Iverson, they’re thicker’n Khloe Kardashian, or as I like to call her, “Khlodom”.

Marketing and Attendance:

Before announcing the return of Iverson the 76ers were next to last in the league in terms of arena attendance at games. This happened despite a spate of creative, yet destined-to-fail marketing ploys like:

  • Paying Atlantic City bus drivers to secretly re-direct the buses of people to the Wachovia Center on the nights of home games, which inadvertently inspired…..

    Support your local sports team!

  • “AK-47-6ers Night”: where fans could bring in guns for seats at home games. This unfortunately backfired (heh) when 76ers employees used the guns to shoot themselves and AK-47-6ers night brought in more kids than adults.
  • Painting the 76ers tickets to look like Phillies tickets
  • Before the Eagles landed him, the 76ers actually signed Michael Vick which was later overruled by their mascot, Big Shot, who revealed in a press statement that he was actually in a relationship with Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog


Have you seen a 76ers’ game lately? Of course you haven’t; you were probably doing more entertaining things like counting your recycled soup cans, or transcribing episodes of Chelsea Lately for your personal library. Well, it hasn’t been fun. Well, no that’s not true, it’s been awesome if you enjoy headlines like, “Elton Brand Out with Hamstring!”, or “Samuel Dalembert Exposed: Not an Alien!”. It’s also been fun listening to new head coach Eddie Jordan’s post-game chats with the press, where you learn that we’ve got a “really great group of guys” and “chemistry issues”, “lots of energy, but we’ve got to learn how to finish better” and other quotes that make the 76ers sound like a recording session with ‘N Synch. At this point, Big Shot’s scoring and winning more than the 76ers. I know this because Big Shot is a rabbit and rabbits like to f*ck. It’s science.

I will ride you that one may ride me......

But now with A.I. back on the team, the 76ers have a real chance to score again. Ivesron’s career average of 27 points/game will provide a much-needed boost to the team’s scoring. Of course, since Iverson doesn’t like to pass, there’s a good chance that the 76ers team will now average 27 points a game, thus losing every game remaining this season. Plus it could be a historic season for Iverson: at 24,000 points, he’s close to closing in on Wilt Chamberlain’s scoring total (28,000 Asian women; 31,000 NBA points).

All together, the 76ers and Iverson would’ve been fools to pass on this opportunity. I mean, it’s not like they got an aging, fat, cross-eyed center to save their season–they’re bringing the scrappiest guy to ever slip on a 76ers jersey back! A.I. is Philly’s Dark Knight; swooping into town in the thick of night to save the city from itself. Like Batman, or Heath Ledger in Knight’s Tale. He’ll stride up in some pimped-out knight’s armor, riding Dikeme Mutombo (it’s only fair since Dikembe rode him to the Finals back in ’01), lift up his knight’s visor, hold out his hand, and say to Philly, “hop on bitch, we’re riding”.

Like a knight.

And they’re still honoring painted Phillies tickets.

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Now Playing Near You: Nothing to See Here; Everybody’s Fine

It’s been a bit since we’ve been to the movies, huh?

What with all the animal attacks that we’ve had lately and all.

Eh, what’s that? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

"Is this Maggie or Jake behind me?"

Why between attacks from turkeys (Thanksgiving) and people getting f-cked by and f-cking up Tiger’s wood, well, it just seems fair to say that there’s been an animal outbreak keeping us all on edge.

But now that it’s getting cold people are going to want to be indoors more and therefore, most likely start seeing more movies, which is apparently different than when it’s warm and nice out and therefore people want to be inside more and most likely see more movies then too.

Batman, we’re so lame.

Anyway, let’s look at some movies, huh? Once again, if you’re new to this, I haven’t actually seen these movies, but I feel comfortable reviewing them for you anyway. You don’t need to have seen much or done much in order to tell people what to think or do in America.

Later, I will unveil my plan for Afghanistan.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  • Twilight Saga: New Moon: First of all, I think it’s hilarious that this series has the nerve to refer to itself as a “saga”. Really? I worry that “saga” is going to become the book world’s “beautiful”–one of those terms too easily bandied about by people and for people that have no business using it or wearing it.  Amazingly, both these terms have something in common: Robert Pattinson. Congrats, Bobby, you’re in a beautiful saga about pressuring teenage girls into showing their cooter. And you “sparkle”.

    I use sparkle in my hair.

  • The Blind Side: Oy vey. I don’t know what’s more appalling about this movie–yet another vehicle about a white person saving a black person (see also The Soloist,  Finding Forrester, Die Hard With a Vengeance) or Bullock’s hair in the movie, which looks like something you’d see on a Texan flight attendant that moonlights as “Dallas” at the local boobie bar. I’ll summarize the movie for you: –Bullock finds black kid digging through her trash, thinks he’s a big bear. –figures out he’s not, and that he’s actually a person with real feelings and dreams, so she has him play football.–black kid eventually moves in with Bullock; they become friends. –eventually Bullock has her first “black one”.–Black kid actually is a bear, eats Bullock (hence the title “Blind Side”), goes to NFL, becomes Ray Lewis.

    "I don't like the look of that bear."

  • 2012: See, if they make the date of these movies sooner you get more scared. Like, back in the 70’s when they did 2001: A Space Odyssey people were like “pass the coke and communal poon–2001 is like forever from now”. But then Hollywood wised up and after Armageddon (Bruce Willis saves the world with a John Deere tractor or something) Deep Impact (lesson: black presidents trumpet end of world) starting doing “date movies”–first it was Gyllenhaal’s (Jake, that is, not his brother Maggie) The Day After Tomorrow (f-ck, we’re dying SUNDAY!) and now we have 2012. But this time it might be true. Black prez? Check. Weird weather? Check. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face? Check.  There it is. Boom. It’s like I just decoded the Mayans.
  • Old Dogs: John Travolta I get. Robin Williams–dear Batman do I get that. But Seth Green? Really? Has he really squandered all that Austin Powers time and is already doing movies with hacks like Williams and Travolta? I guess Robot Chicken isn’t bringing the loot.  You want to know how bad this movie is? Bernie Mac’s in this. He’s DEAD. Bernie Mac is DEAD. If they really wanted Bernie’s likeness in the movie, they should’ve just made a casting edit: playing the role of Bernie Mac will be Kathy Bates in black face. I have a fear that they’re doing this movie with Mac in it Weekend at Bernie’s style–Seth’s probably working the crank that’s moving his arms. Actually, Seth’s probably better off working someone’s crank than appearing in this. I’m pretty sure Bernie Mac’s ghost is going to haunt and eat everyone who allowed him to be in this. Blind sided again!

    "You're going to PAY us too? Hahaha--awesome!"

  • Everybody’s Fine: Watching De Niro’s star fall is like watching your old H.S. hottie deteriorate over the years–at one time, they were untouchable–no one would argue there was anyone better than them. And then, after that glorious stretch, you run into them here and there over the years…..Rocky and Bullwinkle (oh man, I didn’t recognize you with a

    Wook's wike sumbody's got your last chance for dignity, De Niro....

    couple more lbs on ya!)…..Meet the Parents (hey; you’re still kinda hot–but more in a cute kinda way)….Meet the Fockers (oh, wow, your taters are almost flip-flop level now, huh?)….Everybody’s Fine (jesus, have you always had a dick?). Not sure if that Wworks. But you know what? With a cast with the likes of Drew Barrymore, and Kate Beckinsale–two people about 2 films away from appearing on The Apprentice–I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t work either.

  • Brothers: Natalie Portman plays a tramp that sleeps with two brothers: one that she’s married to but is sent off to war and later believed to be dead (Tobey Maguire), so she decides to complete her bucket list by crossing off “sleep with my children’s uncle”. Turns out that Tobey’s not dead, though. Hey, want to know what PTSD looks like? Dreaming of being with Natalie Portman while your eating sand and pissing in canteens only to come home to find Maggie Gyllenhaal grinding on her in your favorite chair while your kids play Wii. That’s PTSD.


Filed under Now Playing Near You, Uncategorized

Lyings and Tiger too much to Bear

Despite being at the scene of the accident, an embarrassed Tiger's not speaking.

When I heard that a famous athlete crashed his car into his own driveway and his wife was seen beating out his windows with a golf club, I said to myself, “damn; 4 days into retirement and Iverson’s already into some shit”.

Then, when I heard that it was actually a pro-golfer that crashed their car into their own driveway I said, “why this could only be the work of John Daly” who plays with alcohol the same way that Tila Tequila plays with her cooch: recklessly.

But no. By now you’ve undoubtedly heard that Tiger Woods and his nanny bride were the ones involved.  According to police reports, Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while pulling out of his driveway at 2:25am.

Proud owner of Windmere, FL's best golf swing.

Upon hitting these two dog-relieving objects, he apparently suffered injuries severe enough for wife Elin Nordegren–I think that’s also the name of my IKEA dresser–to grab some of his golf clubs (I hope she took the tiger head off first) to bash out the back windows of his car, but not enough to deploy the SUV’s airbags.


She was then seen by neighbors hovering over him yelling “don’t make me Robin Givens you anymore!”, or something like that.

Tiger was treated at a local SPCA and then released to go back home and post a message on his website: “I thought this kind of shit only happened to Bobby Brown.”

Quick recap:

  • Black SUV, parked=white wife alive, you unconscious
  • White SUV, slow speed=white wife dead, you on the run

Police even only arrived on the scene after getting a 911 dispatch that I’m guessing went something like this…..

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Fictitiously Recreating Tiger Woods’ 911 Call

"Sir, I'm going to need you to stay calm, and stay white."

911 Dispatch: Hello, this is the Windmere, FL branch of 911; proudly serving the needs of scared whites since 1865. Can I have your white person password please to ensure quality service?


911 Dispatcher: Thank you, sir. How may I help you today?

Caller: There’s been an accident…someone crashed into our tree outside our home…and his wife is standing over him.

911 Dispatcher: Can you describe the victim sir?

Caller: Yes; he’s youngish looking man, African-American, and about 6-foot—

911 Dispatcher: –did you say ‘African-American’? Sir, for your own safety make sure you’re at least 40 yards away from the body.

Caller: I believe he’s unconscious.

911 Dispatcher: It doesn’t matter. I’ve seen these cases before. They have extra muscles in their lungs. He’s probably faking so he can lure you in and steal your white possessions you’ve so worked hard to earn. What’s he doing there?

Caller: I think he lives here. I think.I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him here before.

911 Dispatcher: This African-American lives in your neighborhood sir?  Try calling out “Henry Louis Gates Jr.” I bet this Dr. Gates again up to more of his ‘crazy colored hijinks’. What’s his wife look like?

Caller: Young, white, in her 20’s or 30’s….

911 Dispatcher: ok it’s an athlete, then. A professional athlete. Stay calm. Animal Cops: Windmere is on their way. Just stay calm and remember: you’re white.

Caller: Thank you, thank you.

911 Dispatcher: No problem sir. White Power.

*End scene*

Loose Tiger apprehended in a gated FL community.

And there you have it. Now it’s up to Tiger to come clean about what was happening that night. I mean, no pro-golfer goes out at night; by PGA law they are all in by 9pm on Saturday nights, and can usually be found in slippers completing Sudoku puzzles, watching Charlie Rose, or having dry intercourse with their wives.

But 2:25am? At 2:25am, you’re only headed out for two possible things:

  • weed
  • boobies

That’s it. That’s the list.

So, as of tonight/today we’re still not sure what drove Tiger out the house at such an hour though:

  • …..maybe it was weirding him out that Elin always sounded like the Swedish chef from the Muppets when they were doing it?
  • …..maybe he was playing a late-night pick-up game at Shaq’s house?
  • …..maybe he wanted to go skank-‘trolling with Vijay Singh?
  • ……or maybe he was just distraught over Oprah quitting

Not sure what happened, but man, now I really want to play Tiger Woods Golf.

More to come.


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