It’s Chrriiiissstmmmassss time!
And if you haven’t spent all your money buying people stuff that they either secretly don’t want or you secretly want for yourself, you’re probably going to want to see a movie or two during the holiday break.
Well, you’re in luck. Movie reviews for you!
Now Playing in Theaters
- Avatar: In which humans infiltrate a blue-skinned alien species to steal their unobtanium–a material whose name alone tells you how great this story is going to be. Their plan? To send a broken-down man into the arms of a woman from the alien race, meaning that James Cameron spent $500 million and 14 years to make Jungle Fever 2.
- Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. gets another role that requires him to do coke in order to “get into character”. Jude Law is cast as Watson, and also as the guy with bail money when RDJr wakes up high in Miley Cyrus’ bed. Hollywood!
- The Princess and the Frog: Disney tries to get into the “black game” rather belatedly. The country’s already celebrating Obama, Lil’ Wayne and The Real Housewives of Atlanta. So what does Disney do? They say, “let’s do a story featuring someone black, and let’s do it in the most magical city for black people here–New Orleans!”. Next up: a latino boy is the central hero of The Amazing Misadventures of the Illegal Gardener. It takes place in East LA.
- It’s Complicated: Somehow someone convinced Hollywood execs that a great, worthwhile movie would be a romantic comedy about Meryl Streep (kinda weirdly old bird hot )and Alex Baldwin (who has successfully finished devouring the other Baldwins). With me so far? And then, seeing that the movie needed more star power, signed the edgy up-and-comer Steve Martin. There’s nothing complicated about this. It will suck. Trust.
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel: Hey, I get it. Kids need movies too. Lord knows there aren’t enough of them, since I was movie-theater raised on Jungle Fever, Predator and Harlem Nights–a virtual pitch-perfect guide to How To Raise Your Children To Want to Be On A Reality Show. But look; these Chipmunk movies are an insult to children everywhere and parents who grew up on Alvin, Simon and Theodore will most likely toss their children at the screen in disgust. Movies like this are more obnoxious than bowl games, more obnoxious than High School Musical movies, and certainly more obnoxious than that commercial with the clubbers and the taxi cab driver singing along to Biz Markie. You know who probably dresses and thinks the chipmunks he’s brought in and reared can sing? Robert Downey Jr.! Crack kills, kids–unless you’re Iron Man. Or a British dick.