Lyings and Tiger too much to Bear

Despite being at the scene of the accident, an embarrassed Tiger's not speaking.

When I heard that a famous athlete crashed his car into his own driveway and his wife was seen beating out his windows with a golf club, I said to myself, “damn; 4 days into retirement and Iverson’s already into some shit”.

Then, when I heard that it was actually a pro-golfer that crashed their car into their own driveway I said, “why this could only be the work of John Daly” who plays with alcohol the same way that Tila Tequila plays with her cooch: recklessly.

But no. By now you’ve undoubtedly heard that Tiger Woods and his nanny bride were the ones involved.  According to police reports, Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while pulling out of his driveway at 2:25am.

Proud owner of Windmere, FL's best golf swing.

Upon hitting these two dog-relieving objects, he apparently suffered injuries severe enough for wife Elin Nordegren–I think that’s also the name of my IKEA dresser–to grab some of his golf clubs (I hope she took the tiger head off first) to bash out the back windows of his car, but not enough to deploy the SUV’s airbags.


She was then seen by neighbors hovering over him yelling “don’t make me Robin Givens you anymore!”, or something like that.

Tiger was treated at a local SPCA and then released to go back home and post a message on his website: “I thought this kind of shit only happened to Bobby Brown.”

Quick recap:

  • Black SUV, parked=white wife alive, you unconscious
  • White SUV, slow speed=white wife dead, you on the run

Police even only arrived on the scene after getting a 911 dispatch that I’m guessing went something like this…..

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Fictitiously Recreating Tiger Woods’ 911 Call

"Sir, I'm going to need you to stay calm, and stay white."

911 Dispatch: Hello, this is the Windmere, FL branch of 911; proudly serving the needs of scared whites since 1865. Can I have your white person password please to ensure quality service?


911 Dispatcher: Thank you, sir. How may I help you today?

Caller: There’s been an accident…someone crashed into our tree outside our home…and his wife is standing over him.

911 Dispatcher: Can you describe the victim sir?

Caller: Yes; he’s youngish looking man, African-American, and about 6-foot—

911 Dispatcher: –did you say ‘African-American’? Sir, for your own safety make sure you’re at least 40 yards away from the body.

Caller: I believe he’s unconscious.

911 Dispatcher: It doesn’t matter. I’ve seen these cases before. They have extra muscles in their lungs. He’s probably faking so he can lure you in and steal your white possessions you’ve so worked hard to earn. What’s he doing there?

Caller: I think he lives here. I think.I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him here before.

911 Dispatcher: This African-American lives in your neighborhood sir?  Try calling out “Henry Louis Gates Jr.” I bet this Dr. Gates again up to more of his ‘crazy colored hijinks’. What’s his wife look like?

Caller: Young, white, in her 20’s or 30’s….

911 Dispatcher: ok it’s an athlete, then. A professional athlete. Stay calm. Animal Cops: Windmere is on their way. Just stay calm and remember: you’re white.

Caller: Thank you, thank you.

911 Dispatcher: No problem sir. White Power.

*End scene*

Loose Tiger apprehended in a gated FL community.

And there you have it. Now it’s up to Tiger to come clean about what was happening that night. I mean, no pro-golfer goes out at night; by PGA law they are all in by 9pm on Saturday nights, and can usually be found in slippers completing Sudoku puzzles, watching Charlie Rose, or having dry intercourse with their wives.

But 2:25am? At 2:25am, you’re only headed out for two possible things:

  • weed
  • boobies

That’s it. That’s the list.

So, as of tonight/today we’re still not sure what drove Tiger out the house at such an hour though:

  • …..maybe it was weirding him out that Elin always sounded like the Swedish chef from the Muppets when they were doing it?
  • …..maybe he was playing a late-night pick-up game at Shaq’s house?
  • …..maybe he wanted to go skank-‘trolling with Vijay Singh?
  • ……or maybe he was just distraught over Oprah quitting

Not sure what happened, but man, now I really want to play Tiger Woods Golf.

More to come.



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6 responses to “Lyings and Tiger too much to Bear

  1. Willie Nelson Mandela

    White password = ”sommelier”. Love it!

  2. Starscream

    Do you know the white password for Philadelphia? I am tired of the 911 dispatchers laughing at me.

  3. when choosing golf clubs, i always prefer to use an iron~*:

  4. me and my best friend are members of the local town golf club, i am really excited to play golf *~.

  5. Gaston Horenstein

    Tiger woods is one of the best golf players ever, he is my idol. *

    <a href="Most popular piece of writing straight from our new web site

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