When I heard that a famous athlete crashed his car into his own driveway and his wife was seen beating out his windows with a golf club, I said to myself, “damn; 4 days into retirement and Iverson’s already into some shit”.
Then, when I heard that it was actually a pro-golfer that crashed their car into their own driveway I said, “why this could only be the work of John Daly” who plays with alcohol the same way that Tila Tequila plays with her cooch: recklessly.
But no. By now you’ve undoubtedly heard that Tiger Woods and his nanny bride were the ones involved. According to police reports, Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while pulling out of his driveway at 2:25am.
Upon hitting these two dog-relieving objects, he apparently suffered injuries severe enough for wife Elin Nordegren–I think that’s also the name of my IKEA dresser–to grab some of his golf clubs (I hope she took the tiger head off first) to bash out the back windows of his car, but not enough to deploy the SUV’s airbags.
She was then seen by neighbors hovering over him yelling “don’t make me Robin Givens you anymore!”, or something like that.
Tiger was treated at a local SPCA and then released to go back home and post a message on his website: “I thought this kind of shit only happened to Bobby Brown.”
- Black SUV, parked=white wife alive, you unconscious
- White SUV, slow speed=white wife dead, you on the run
Police even only arrived on the scene after getting a 911 dispatch that I’m guessing went something like this…..
The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Fictitiously Recreating Tiger Woods’ 911 Call
911 Dispatch: Hello, this is the Windmere, FL branch of 911; proudly serving the needs of scared whites since 1865. Can I have your white person password please to ensure quality service?
911 Dispatcher: Thank you, sir. How may I help you today?
Caller: There’s been an accident…someone crashed into our tree outside our home…and his wife is standing over him.
911 Dispatcher: Can you describe the victim sir?
Caller: Yes; he’s youngish looking man, African-American, and about 6-foot—
911 Dispatcher: –did you say ‘African-American’? Sir, for your own safety make sure you’re at least 40 yards away from the body.
Caller: I believe he’s unconscious.
911 Dispatcher: It doesn’t matter. I’ve seen these cases before. They have extra muscles in their lungs. He’s probably faking so he can lure you in and steal your white possessions you’ve so worked hard to earn. What’s he doing there?
Caller: I think he lives here. I think.I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him here before.
911 Dispatcher: This African-American lives in your neighborhood sir? Try calling out “Henry Louis Gates Jr.” I bet this Dr. Gates again up to more of his ‘crazy colored hijinks’. What’s his wife look like?
Caller: Young, white, in her 20’s or 30’s….
911 Dispatcher: ok it’s an athlete, then. A professional athlete. Stay calm. Animal Cops: Windmere is on their way. Just stay calm and remember: you’re white.
Caller: Thank you, thank you.
911 Dispatcher: No problem sir. White Power.
And there you have it. Now it’s up to Tiger to come clean about what was happening that night. I mean, no pro-golfer goes out at night; by PGA law they are all in by 9pm on Saturday nights, and can usually be found in slippers completing Sudoku puzzles, watching Charlie Rose, or having dry intercourse with their wives.
But 2:25am? At 2:25am, you’re only headed out for two possible things:
That’s it. That’s the list.
So, as of tonight/today we’re still not sure what drove Tiger out the house at such an hour though:
- …..maybe it was weirding him out that Elin always sounded like the Swedish chef from the Muppets when they were doing it?
- …..maybe he was playing a late-night pick-up game at Shaq’s house?
- …..maybe he wanted to go skank-‘trolling with Vijay Singh?
- ……or maybe he was just distraught over Oprah quitting
Not sure what happened, but man, now I really want to play Tiger Woods Golf.
More to come.