Now Playing Near You: Nothing to See Here; Everybody’s Fine

It’s been a bit since we’ve been to the movies, huh?

What with all the animal attacks that we’ve had lately and all.

Eh, what’s that? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

"Is this Maggie or Jake behind me?"

Why between attacks from turkeys (Thanksgiving) and people getting f-cked by and f-cking up Tiger’s wood, well, it just seems fair to say that there’s been an animal outbreak keeping us all on edge.

But now that it’s getting cold people are going to want to be indoors more and therefore, most likely start seeing more movies, which is apparently different than when it’s warm and nice out and therefore people want to be inside more and most likely see more movies then too.

Batman, we’re so lame.

Anyway, let’s look at some movies, huh? Once again, if you’re new to this, I haven’t actually seen these movies, but I feel comfortable reviewing them for you anyway. You don’t need to have seen much or done much in order to tell people what to think or do in America.

Later, I will unveil my plan for Afghanistan.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  • Twilight Saga: New Moon: First of all, I think it’s hilarious that this series has the nerve to refer to itself as a “saga”. Really? I worry that “saga” is going to become the book world’s “beautiful”–one of those terms too easily bandied about by people and for people that have no business using it or wearing it.  Amazingly, both these terms have something in common: Robert Pattinson. Congrats, Bobby, you’re in a beautiful saga about pressuring teenage girls into showing their cooter. And you “sparkle”.

    I use sparkle in my hair.

  • The Blind Side: Oy vey. I don’t know what’s more appalling about this movie–yet another vehicle about a white person saving a black person (see also The Soloist,  Finding Forrester, Die Hard With a Vengeance) or Bullock’s hair in the movie, which looks like something you’d see on a Texan flight attendant that moonlights as “Dallas” at the local boobie bar. I’ll summarize the movie for you: –Bullock finds black kid digging through her trash, thinks he’s a big bear. –figures out he’s not, and that he’s actually a person with real feelings and dreams, so she has him play football.–black kid eventually moves in with Bullock; they become friends. –eventually Bullock has her first “black one”.–Black kid actually is a bear, eats Bullock (hence the title “Blind Side”), goes to NFL, becomes Ray Lewis.

    "I don't like the look of that bear."

  • 2012: See, if they make the date of these movies sooner you get more scared. Like, back in the 70’s when they did 2001: A Space Odyssey people were like “pass the coke and communal poon–2001 is like forever from now”. But then Hollywood wised up and after Armageddon (Bruce Willis saves the world with a John Deere tractor or something) Deep Impact (lesson: black presidents trumpet end of world) starting doing “date movies”–first it was Gyllenhaal’s (Jake, that is, not his brother Maggie) The Day After Tomorrow (f-ck, we’re dying SUNDAY!) and now we have 2012. But this time it might be true. Black prez? Check. Weird weather? Check. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face? Check.  There it is. Boom. It’s like I just decoded the Mayans.
  • Old Dogs: John Travolta I get. Robin Williams–dear Batman do I get that. But Seth Green? Really? Has he really squandered all that Austin Powers time and is already doing movies with hacks like Williams and Travolta? I guess Robot Chicken isn’t bringing the loot.  You want to know how bad this movie is? Bernie Mac’s in this. He’s DEAD. Bernie Mac is DEAD. If they really wanted Bernie’s likeness in the movie, they should’ve just made a casting edit: playing the role of Bernie Mac will be Kathy Bates in black face. I have a fear that they’re doing this movie with Mac in it Weekend at Bernie’s style–Seth’s probably working the crank that’s moving his arms. Actually, Seth’s probably better off working someone’s crank than appearing in this. I’m pretty sure Bernie Mac’s ghost is going to haunt and eat everyone who allowed him to be in this. Blind sided again!

    "You're going to PAY us too? Hahaha--awesome!"

  • Everybody’s Fine: Watching De Niro’s star fall is like watching your old H.S. hottie deteriorate over the years–at one time, they were untouchable–no one would argue there was anyone better than them. And then, after that glorious stretch, you run into them here and there over the years…..Rocky and Bullwinkle (oh man, I didn’t recognize you with a

    Wook's wike sumbody's got your last chance for dignity, De Niro....

    couple more lbs on ya!)…..Meet the Parents (hey; you’re still kinda hot–but more in a cute kinda way)….Meet the Fockers (oh, wow, your taters are almost flip-flop level now, huh?)….Everybody’s Fine (jesus, have you always had a dick?). Not sure if that Wworks. But you know what? With a cast with the likes of Drew Barrymore, and Kate Beckinsale–two people about 2 films away from appearing on The Apprentice–I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t work either.

  • Brothers: Natalie Portman plays a tramp that sleeps with two brothers: one that she’s married to but is sent off to war and later believed to be dead (Tobey Maguire), so she decides to complete her bucket list by crossing off “sleep with my children’s uncle”. Turns out that Tobey’s not dead, though. Hey, want to know what PTSD looks like? Dreaming of being with Natalie Portman while your eating sand and pissing in canteens only to come home to find Maggie Gyllenhaal grinding on her in your favorite chair while your kids play Wii. That’s PTSD.


Filed under Now Playing Near You, Uncategorized

2 responses to “Now Playing Near You: Nothing to See Here; Everybody’s Fine

  1. After reading your movie reviews/summaries, I feel like I got everything I needed and it only cost me three minutes of time. I just wish I had some popcorn to pair with your commentary.

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