The Dark Knight Returns

In a city that prides itself on shooting first, it was only natural that the 76ers re-signed their most popular sports figure of the last decade or so:

Iverson sends a message to the Grizzlies, Nuggets and Pistons

Allen Iverson.

It made sense for a lot of reasons, too:

Roster Problems:

The 76ers, (now) at a 5-15 and losing their starting PG Lou Williams for about 8 weeks now, were in desperate need for some PG help now. Yes, they’ve got rookie Jrue Holiday, but when your 2nd-string hopes rely on someone whose name sounds like one of Santa’s ghetto elves, you might want to start looking at the free agent pool. Plus, moving Jrue into the starting lineup made the 76ers’ bench thinner than Mischa Barton. Now that they’ve signed Iverson, they’re thicker’n Khloe Kardashian, or as I like to call her, “Khlodom”.

Marketing and Attendance:

Before announcing the return of Iverson the 76ers were next to last in the league in terms of arena attendance at games. This happened despite a spate of creative, yet destined-to-fail marketing ploys like:

  • Paying Atlantic City bus drivers to secretly re-direct the buses of people to the Wachovia Center on the nights of home games, which inadvertently inspired…..

    Support your local sports team!

  • “AK-47-6ers Night”: where fans could bring in guns for seats at home games. This unfortunately backfired (heh) when 76ers employees used the guns to shoot themselves and AK-47-6ers night brought in more kids than adults.
  • Painting the 76ers tickets to look like Phillies tickets
  • Before the Eagles landed him, the 76ers actually signed Michael Vick which was later overruled by their mascot, Big Shot, who revealed in a press statement that he was actually in a relationship with Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog

Scoring/Excitement:

Have you seen a 76ers’ game lately? Of course you haven’t; you were probably doing more entertaining things like counting your recycled soup cans, or transcribing episodes of Chelsea Lately for your personal library. Well, it hasn’t been fun. Well, no that’s not true, it’s been awesome if you enjoy headlines like, “Elton Brand Out with Hamstring!”, or “Samuel Dalembert Exposed: Not an Alien!”. It’s also been fun listening to new head coach Eddie Jordan’s post-game chats with the press, where you learn that we’ve got a “really great group of guys” and “chemistry issues”, “lots of energy, but we’ve got to learn how to finish better” and other quotes that make the 76ers sound like a recording session with ‘N Synch. At this point, Big Shot’s scoring and winning more than the 76ers. I know this because Big Shot is a rabbit and rabbits like to f*ck. It’s science.

I will ride you Allen....so that one day....you may ride me......

But now with A.I. back on the team, the 76ers have a real chance to score again. Ivesron’s career average of 27 points/game will provide a much-needed boost to the team’s scoring. Of course, since Iverson doesn’t like to pass, there’s a good chance that the 76ers team will now average 27 points a game, thus losing every game remaining this season. Plus it could be a historic season for Iverson: at 24,000 points, he’s close to closing in on Wilt Chamberlain’s scoring total (28,000 Asian women; 31,000 NBA points).

All together, the 76ers and Iverson would’ve been fools to pass on this opportunity. I mean, it’s not like they got an aging, fat, cross-eyed center to save their season–they’re bringing the scrappiest guy to ever slip on a 76ers jersey back! A.I. is Philly’s Dark Knight; swooping into town in the thick of night to save the city from itself. Like Batman, or Heath Ledger in Knight’s Tale. He’ll stride up in some pimped-out knight’s armor, riding Dikeme Mutombo (it’s only fair since Dikembe rode him to the Finals back in ’01), lift up his knight’s visor, hold out his hand, and say to Philly, “hop on bitch, we’re riding”.

Like a knight.

And they’re still honoring painted Phillies tickets.

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1 Comment

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One response to “The Dark Knight Returns

  1. Joel

    “In a city that prides itself on shooting first, it was only natural that the 76ers re-signed their most popular sports figure of the last decade”

    That is probably the best opener I have read in some time

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