The Kids has returned to add another entry to “Celebrity Mugs”-a collection of the fearsome faces fugly-ing their way through Tinseltown. If you weren’t a believer in things that go bump in the night before, this list will make you one.
You can see the previous entries in the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.
I’d suggest having some Tums on hand, or maybe some ginger ale, or at least have your McAfee running since this carnival of faces is bound to make something upset.
But now, it’s time for our next entry.
I should note something on here, too: these entries have been assigned #’s, but they in no way actually refer to the pecking order of mug-ness–it’s just the order that I’ve done these. Well, aside from the person that will be #1, but if you read this blog or know me personally, there’s a good chance you can guess who’ll be occupying the #1 spot.
But getting there will be a lot of fun, so on with the trip, eh?
Worst Celebrity Faces #8: Maggie Gyllenhaal
Maggie Gyllenhaal, big brother to Hollywood actor Jake “the Reese Witherspoon Snake” Gyllenhaal, is one of those actresses that people love to trumpet as “interesting looking” or “unique” or “dog-like” which are all sweet ways of saying “low self-esteem hook-up!”.
When I first saw Maggie Gyllenhaal, it was back in the 2002-03 movie Secretary with her and James Spader playing a secretary and her boss engaged in a bizarre relationship that consisted of spanking and coffee. At first, when I read the movie description I thought “sweet; hello Friday night in!”, and promptly ordered a Papa John’s pizza, stripped down to my boxers (for extra chubby-air) and clicked out the lights. Once the movie started however, I quickly found myself flaccid and full of pepperoni pizza, convinced that I’d somehow missed the first 20mins of the movie that would explain how, when, and why someone had spanked the secretary’s face with what appeared to be a waffle-maker.
And then, when I went to see The Dark Knight in the theaters, it took me about 45mins to realize that Maggie G wasn’t the Joker, which was awkward after I had already leaned over to my wife and said knowingly, “I bet she turns out to be the Joker….or maybe Batman.” Want to know if you’re spending too much time in a dark cave with your manservant? When you surface and think, “I’m going to date the Penguin”. It didn’t help that the Maggie Gyllenhaal-Katie Holmes swap had a level of WTF-ery that I hadn’t experienced since they flipped Aunt Viv’s on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
I remain convinced that on some level Batman (Bale) knew that Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart) was hotter.
Maggie’s face can best be described as “Jim Henson workshop concept art” and is probably best seen in movies like Labyrinth or that Garbage Pail Kids movie.
Things that would improve Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face:
- a beard
- breasts on her face
- another waffle iron
It’d be the best episode of Dr. Beverly Hills 90210 ever.