Worst Celebrity Faces: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Hello friends.

The Kids has returned to add another entry to “Celebrity Mugs”-a collection of the fearsome faces fugly-ing their way through Tinseltown. If you weren’t a believer in things that go bump in the night before, this list will make you one.

You can see the previous entries in the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.

Have some more Sherry, Baby

I’d suggest having some Tums on hand, or maybe some ginger ale, or at least have your McAfee running since this carnival of faces is bound to make something upset.

But now, it’s time for our next entry.

I should note something on here, too: these entries have been assigned #’s, but they in no way actually refer to the pecking order of mug-ness–it’s just the order that I’ve done these. Well, aside from the person that will be #1, but if you read this blog or know me personally, there’s a good chance you can guess who’ll be occupying the #1 spot.

But getting there will be a lot of fun, so on with the trip, eh?

Worst Celebrity Faces #8: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal, big brother to Hollywood actor Jake “the Reese Witherspoon Snake” Gyllenhaal, is one of those actresses that people love to trumpet as “interesting looking” or “unique” or “dog-like” which are all sweet ways of saying “low self-esteem hook-up!”.

Why so serious?

When I first saw Maggie Gyllenhaal, it was back in the 2002-03 movie Secretary with her and James Spader playing a secretary and her boss engaged in a bizarre relationship that consisted of spanking and coffee. At first, when I read the movie description I thought “sweet; hello Friday night in!”, and promptly ordered a Papa John’s pizza, stripped down to my boxers (for extra chubby-air) and clicked out the lights. Once the movie started however, I quickly found myself flaccid and full of pepperoni pizza, convinced that I’d somehow missed the first 20mins of the movie that would explain how, when, and why someone had spanked the secretary’s face with what appeared to be a waffle-maker.

And then, when I went to see The Dark Knight in the theaters, it took me about 45mins to realize that Maggie G wasn’t the Joker, which was awkward after I had already leaned over to my wife and said knowingly, “I bet she turns out to be the Joker….or maybe Batman.” Want to know if you’re spending too much time in a dark cave with your manservant? When you surface and think, “I’m going to date the Penguin”. It didn’t help that the Maggie Gyllenhaal-Katie Holmes swap had a level of WTF-ery that I hadn’t experienced since they flipped Aunt Viv’s on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I remain convinced that on some level Batman (Bale) knew that Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart) was hotter.

Maggie’s face can best be described as “Jim Henson workshop concept art” and is probably best seen in movies like Labyrinth or that Garbage Pail Kids movie.

Things that would improve Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face:

  • a beard
  • breasts on her face
  • another waffle iron

    Hold still.

  • Extenze

It’d be the best episode of Dr. Beverly Hills 90210 ever.

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15 Comments

Filed under Celebrity Mugs

15 responses to “Worst Celebrity Faces: Maggie Gyllenhaal

  1. Ondra

    She is beautiful. You are pathetic.

  2. Ondra

    And, btw, she’s a very good actress.

  3. Oh my word… I cannot believe how shallow you are…

    I stumbled across this picture because I thought she looked NATURAL and very beautiful in it.

    By evaluating all your comments, I think you are trying A BIT TOO HARD to be funny- by mocking someone-total lack of wit- total lack of originality- I found no humour at all.

    GET OVER YOURSELF.

  4. Jack

    Whats wrong with you? She’s one of my must-haves in my fap folder, dude? Are you sure you are all ight?

  5. richard

    I’m with ya, dude. I think she is the fugliest thing going in Hollywood.

    I literally couldn’t look at the screen when she was on it during “The Dark Knight”. Truly way more scary than The Joker.

    Eek.

  6. chas

    butterface, but sexy somehow…

  7. Shelby

    Dude, you’re a douche bag. She has an original beauty, but I guess assholes can’t understand that, eh?

  8. Adam

    I guess you must be gay or into under age web sites or something. She is incredibly beautiful and natural.

  9. Cindy

    I’m with you. She looks like Auntie Em during the tornado.

  10. haley

    I know you get this alot, but seriously. What is wrong with you? This is a terrible way to spend your time. Find some happiness guy. Good luck.

  11. Pingback: maggie gyllenhaal » Images Search

  12. Luna

    OMG I think she is the hottest actress there is by far? do you have a barbie doll fixation from childhood that she’s not measuring up to? Wow, people can be so strange.

  13. MarcoCass

    I don’t really get it. For a dig to be funny or bitchy there needs to be a kernel of truth for it to be funny….

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