It’s time for another entry in WCF.
It’s the latest list from The Kids that’s brought you such mugs as Bruce Jenner and Goldie “I wear my privates on my face” Hawn. You can see the prior entries by clicking on the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.
Otherwise, it’s on with the show, eh?
Once again, we’re peering at the underbelly of the Hollywood/celebrity world, finding the faces that foster fear, food-spewing and general what-the-fuckery.
The latest mug?
Worst Celebrity Faces #6: Wendy Williams
I have a confession to make: I really don’t like Wendy Williams.
Not even a little bit.
If Obama came to me and said, “Kids, the country’s getting over-crowded and we can’t send them to Mexico or the Canadian wilderness like the old days. I need you to do some population control and I need you to do it now. Find some place to stash embarrassing ugly people that are taking up space here and keeping our penises soft with all their not-prettiness. You’re a blogger, right? You must have the power to do it. Whatever you want to do, do it. I’m a Democrat, so I don’t care what or how much–spare no expense. And between you and me, if you have room in your plan for Michelle too, I’m cool with that. Really. I am. Hilary and I kinda got this hate-sex thing goin’ and….man does she hate Bill. And me. You should see the things she can do with a filibuster. Whatever, I’m rambling. Do your thing.”
So instead I’d have to take the next best person: Alicia Keys. And then I’d take her, Fergie, Tyler Perry, Oprah and that weird-looking guy on Gossip Girls and launch them into the sun in a shuttle.
But you know who else’d be on there?
I listened to Wendy Williams on the radio for a number of years; she was a pretty hot personality here on the East Coast. She was always so catty and chatty and gossipy and whatnot that her show was good for passing time on the NJ Turnpike passing all the oil refineries along the highway that they use to cook poor black people from Newark in.
But then, as her personality grew, her appearances did too, and eventually I actually saw what Wendy looked like.
At first I was confused: why’s Bill Cosby wearing that funny wig?
And then I looked again and said, “oh I get it–this is like when they teach the bears to ride the tricycle, only with a microphone, and instead of a circus there’s a radio station, and all of the bear fur’s been shaved, so we can see this bear’s man tits and man-bear tallywhacker”.
Wendy Williams’ face is the stuff of comic book legend. I went to her Wikipedia page convinced of this, but found boring things listed, like:
- born in Asbury Park, NJ
- attended Northeastern U in Boston
- rescued Han Solo from carbonite
- radio DJ in NYC; talk show host
- official Big Foot sponsor for Beef Jerky commercials
Boring! I mean, really; Northeastern University?
Anyway, what it was really missing was her tragic, comic book-like origin story, which I believe must be something like:
- born on a faraway planet, parents were shot and killed in front of her and then loaded with her onto a space shuttle before planet exploded
- landed on earth, raised by Al Sharpton and Esther Rolle
- on a routine HS field trip to a science museum, bit a radioactive sloth, given super powers of huge face-ness and man hands
Or maybe even:
- Tyra Banks was a mild-mannered lab technician before she was blasted with a gamma bomb. Now, whenever she’s horny, she turns into Wendy Williams.
Something like that.
So what’s her deal? Well, for one thing, Wendy’s had issues in the past with cocaine (“HULK WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING WHEN HULK HAVE RELATIONS WITH MEN, GOATS”), and the fact that she’s open about the fact that her breasts are made entirely of silicone and whatever they couldn’t use for Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts officially leaves only Popeye’s and KFC with interesting secret recipes for breasts.