Ok, so it’s been awhile. I know that. You know that. But you know what? Sometimes The Kids needs a break, and sometimes, it’s good to make you all miss this blog. It’s healthy. I want you to have it taken away from you and make you just go balls-ballistic when it comes back.
And so, we’re back.
Picking up where we left off, we’re midway through our entries of the worst celebrity faces in Hollywood. it’s a fact* that all of these faces were used as concept drawings for Where the Wild Things Are and Pokemon.
LL Cool J.
That’s a year’s worth of flaccidity right there alone. Time to push it to two.
Ladies and gentlemen: Cameron Diaz.
Worst Celebrity Faces #5: Cameron Diaz
True story**: when New Line Cinema purchased the rights to make a movie adaptation of the Dark Horse comic book The Mask, they were prepared to spend around $20 million to make the film due to the extensive special effects and fugly creature face molding they’d have to pay someone for creating the Mask’s mask. But then, something happened during the casting call: Cameron Diaz. Her face alone saved the movie $2 million. As a matter of fact, they originally cast her to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey should it be discovered 8 years too soon that he actually isn’t funny. If you check the DVD director’s cut credits, you’ll actually see Diaz listed as “The Mask (stand-in)”. But yes; $2million saved. How? Well, they still hired her for the film, and once Cher learned they weren’t making a sequel to Mask, she backed out, leaving only Diaz. But this worked because in her first make-up session, they applied a plastic mold to her face, and quickly sent that to the SFX department with a message saying “Use this for Mask“. Presto! No need for computer-animation when you’ve got Cameron Diaz on set. This mold was later used for the Masters of the Universe film, Joan Rivers’ 8th face, Alien Resurrection and as Shaquille O’Neal’s decoy whenever he needed to distract paparazzi by leaving his house.
Cameron Diaz, along with Maggie Gyllenhaal and one yet-to-be-named-face (maybe next entry?) make up 2/3’s of something I call the “Mug Carousel”. This will be explained later once it’s complete, like Voltron, and not prematurely discussed and given to you half-assed like our healthcare plan. Just know that they’re on there.
I know what some of you are thinking, “But Kids–Diaz is hot!”, and you’d be right, if you were into trannies. To me, Diaz looks like one of those “ripped from the headlines!” episodes of Law & Order–you know, the one where it’s revealed that guest star Ed O’Neill isn’t a mild-mannered father of two working at the local Shop N’ Save, but really a high food-chain Czech guy dealing in human trafficking. When the L&O detectives discover this and bust-up the orgy shop hidden behind the butcher section, the 3rd world pros strung-out back there in skimpy clothes and mouth sores always look like Cameron Diaz to me. I actually imagine that’s how she was discovered; she probably wandered onto the set of an L&O episode, mistook the hooker extras for real street girls and thought, “I’ll sleep here tonight…in America, girl sleep anywhere”….and was discovered by Sam Waterson. Something like that.
Let’s put it this way***: they decided to write-in the scene where Stiller’s spunk gets used as Diaz’s hair-gel in There’s Something About Mary because when Stiller first saw her, he actually tossed his nut-nectar in her face because he didn’t have holy water, which is what one normally uses when facing nosferatu. They also considered calling the movie There’s Something About Mary–Oh Wait, It’s That She’s Kinda Fugly.
Hey; want something fun for Halloween next year? Go as Cameron Diaz! Just make her face and then wear short skirts and laugh constantly to distract people from the fact that secretly you shouldn’t be interacting with”surface people” (it worked on Timberlake). Here’s how to make her face:
- get silly putty and put it on your face
- imagine your mom doing porn
- hold that look of horror
- hold it
- hold it
- ok; now take off the putty
- place putty on a counter to cool
- call mother to apologize
- go back to putty and pick it up
- take it to bedroom
- fuck it
- fuck it again
- sloppily apply “Whore’s Cherry” red lipstick
Cameron Diaz folks: You don’t want to be In Her Shoes. Get it? It’s a movie, with her. I’m clever. And nauseated.
*not a fact
**not close to being a true story
***and by “let’s put it this way”, I mean, “here’s another lie”