Monthly Archives: January 2010

The Kids Puts on Its 2010 Face

Just when we thought that things were going to be quiet for 2010–I mean after all, this blog alone has been dormant for about 3 4 5 weeks–we’re back. And by “we” I mean “I” am back (since people are convinced that there is more than one person penning this blog).

(Looks at blog page)

Well, I suppose it’d be proper to finish off the “Worst Celebrity Faces” list, but really, that shit’s so 2009. It’s old news in an old year! No point looking back. So, here’s the remaining rundown:

3. Lil Kim: at one point she was the Queen of Hip Hop, and “at one point” I mean, “1999”–about the same time that she traded her face in for something that grotesquely resembles one of those “Bratz” dolls. With what’s easily been about 14 surgeries, Lil’ Kim now joins the ranks of Biggie, 2Pac and 50 cent on the list of “Shot-up Bodies”.

2. Priscilla Presley: Jeopardy‘s answer to, “This Graceland widow decided to inject her husband’s belly fat into her face. Meanwhile, her daughter’s f-cked Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage.”. Priscilla’s had a life and a career that’s involved the names Michael Jackson, Nicolas Cage, Elvis Presley and O.J. Simpson. All killers. MJ killed it in the music scene, Nicolas Cage killed his own career, Elvis killed the reputation of doughnuts and Vegas (both only¬† recovering in the last 5yrs), and OJ WAS INNOCENT AND FRAMED BY THE LAPD. Kidding. That mofo’s a killer too.

1. Fergie: Center piece of the Pop Music World Bridge, Fergie–along with Madonna and Lady Gag Gag–is one of those rare pop artists that seems to be impossibly loved by people. I don’t get it. I really don’t. Madonna at least had the decency to distract us from her Detroit-heroin addict face by flashing her “material girl” whenever she performed, and Lady Gag Gag has wisely chosen to enshroud her face in various forms of lace, muppet workshop material and PETA paint. Fergie? Nothing. Just bare and out there. Nothing to distract us besides her over-wrought, bombastic “singing” voice, which I think operates on the same frequency that Aquaman uses to summon dolphins to ride. And yet, people love her. And when they clearly know that she’s not any good for them. In that way, I think Fergie is like Subway. You know how Subway pumps the smell of their bread through fumes and vents guaranteeing that you’ll smell it within a 15mi-radius? And how that bread smell is pervasive enough, nauseating enough to lure some of us into their shop for bare-hand-handled lettuce and Oscar Mayer-reject cold cuts? That’s Fergie. That’s Fergie’s face. Fergie is somehow, some way, forever imprinted on our pop world DNA, thanks to wayward adventurer Will.i.am who traveled to Easter Island or Land of the Lost or somewheres and discovered the Fergie naked on rocks eating washed-up krill. Ensnaring her and bringing her to the States and making her a star was his gift to us all. And yet, it hasn’t turned out so well, has it? I’d tell you more, but Peter Jackson’s 2005 documentary, King Kong.

So there you go: a final rundown of the worst faces. Closure is always good.

We’ll (and by that I again mean, “I’ll”) do our best to get back on schedule now.

Hang tight for TKDGI: 2010…it’s going to be bigger and better. Like your mom last night.

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