Monthly Archives: February 2010

Berth of a Nation

This Winter Olympics has by far been the most compelling, and the most disturbing TV viewing event since Real World Denver when that one chick lost her shit and wrecked the entire MTV loft.

I mean, just consider some of the things that have happened thus far:

  • Apollo Ohno, whose name sounds like a NASA flight tower panic scream, who races against men with lady butts
  • Lindsay Vonn, who prepares for each race by visualizing the course–eyes shut, hands waving/floating weirdly in front of her. Her mimery reminds me of Yoda using the Force to raise Luke’s X-Wing from the swamp
  • That uber-weird American brother-sister skating couple. Siblings should never, ever, be this close. They won points on style and choreography, but from what I can tell, lost about 7pts for incest. Amazingly, Donnie and Marie Osmond aren’t participating in ice-skating–I would’ve thought that Donnie would love any chance to slide into Marie.

But by far, the oddest thing to come out of this Winter Olympics–I mean odder than an entire world being hosted by Canadians–has got to be the Russian folk dance performance.

For Russian skaters Boris and Natasha Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, where others turned towards more traditional/sensible themes: flamenco, Indian or something ‘crazy’ like from their own country, these two ice-skating Bond villains dropped a Molotov on everyone by doing a skating routine where they dressed as Australian Aborigines.

Admittedly, viewers are in a tough position: I mean I find all the skating dance performances and costumes to be various forms of atrocities.

But this? This was certainly unique.

I mean while the intention was certainly to go for the Aboriginal-look, the effect seemed something more akin to, I don’t know, Ferngully on Ice. On some level, I knew that I should’ve been offended, but it’s really hard to when it’s 1) ice skating–something I don’t find entertaining unless they’re dressed as He-Man, or Disney’s Aladdin and 2) they looked more like two people wearing body-sized flesh-toned Band-Aids more than any Aborigines that I’ve ever seen. Are there mulatto Aborigines? Mulatta-rigines sounds like the entree of the night at a tacky trattoria.

Though it was also hard to miss the fact that several Aborigines voiced their displeasure by shooting poison darts at the Russkies from the stands.

But again, not surprising. They’re Russians! They’re “in” to dark-skinned people is probably limited to bootleg copies of Trapped in the Closet.

Besides, this Olympics has been all about the color-swapping!

Black Germans skating! Read that again: a black german on ice. He was so ashamed he even did it in white-face, though he ended up looking like one of The Joker’s henchmen.

"Have you ever skated with the devil under the pale moonlight?"

Asian-Black girls skating!

And I swear that I counted at least 4 asian chick-defectors skating for other countries instead of their native country.

What was also interesting was watching the aftermath of the performance. The interview with the Russian duo was brief and confusing, just look:

Bob Costas (his boyish wig slightly askew): Well, Oksana and Maxim, that was some performance you just put on for everyone. Tell me; what were you thinking exactly?

Oksana: We were thinking of winning prized medallion for glorious standing of Mother Russia.

Costas: I see. Did you ever consider the idea that some might find your choice of performance ‘offensive’?

Maxim (leaning forward and grabbing mic from Costas): It was plan all along, Amerikan. Russia is always on offensive!

Oksana (nodding feverishly): Yes, we, as Amerikans say, “we play for kids”!

Costas: I think you mean “keeps”.

Maxim (shaking head and scattering tribal makeup everywhere): No, we play for kids. Like R. Kelly.

Oksana: Like Mikael Jakkson.

Maxim: Like Roman Polanski.

Oksana: Like American Apparel ads.

Maxim: Give us your Miley Cyrus! Give us your Swift Taylors! We will even take black ones.

This interview abruptly ended with Maxim running–in skates–and grabbing Scott Hamilton.

NBC later interviewed an Aborigine who offered “no comment”, but that was probably because it was Shani Davis.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tiger Cab Confessions

I thought that I’d get off of Tiger’s back for awhile–granted, he apparently enjoys being on his back a lot–and let the media vultures pick through the carcass that is his personal and professional life.

"The following names are the women I want to do this year: Hayek, Salma. Wilde, Olivia. Elizabeth, Queen."

But try as I might, this story just won’t seem to go away. First there was the incident itself which basically consisted of IKEA busting Tiger’s SUV windows out and then dragging his tail out of the car like they’d decided to re-enact the LA Rodney King Riots.

Then there was the voicemail message where Tiger sounded like Greg Gumbel prank-calling someone.

Then there was the rash of reports and photos of Tiger attending sex rehab and jogging, because when you’ve cheated on your wife, the best Rx is attending a clinic with Dr. Drew and getting on your Nordic Track. The upside is that he’s now Facebook friends with David Duchovny.

In the interim, more girls came in front of the camera than a porn audition, talking about how they’d $lept with Tiger, how they were embarra$$ed to be implicated in his affairs, and how they wish that people would ju$t leave them alone. Tragic.

And now, finally, after disappearing from the scene for about, I dunno, an hour, Tiger conducted a small-room press conference where he offered an apology to his wife Disney/Cadillac and his other wife, Elin. This prompted the real-world press to ridicule him for “picking people to attend” and the Facebook/blog world press to lobby him with insults like “cornball”, “insincere” and “fake”–a hilarious bit of commentary from the peanut gallery.

"Mother, the Eldritch you knew is no more. There is only....Tiger!"

I mean, really: this guy has been raked and run over by everyone for about, what, 3 months now? His face, name, image, life has been paraded around, nearly every day, for 90 days. And then he’s had to undoubtedly contend with apologizing, re-apologizing, re-re-re-apologizing, explaining, sulking, crying, re-crying, re-explaining, re-re-crying and re-re-re-explaining all of it to his wife (and rightly so).

And now, after the US Weekly, the Access Hollywood, the TMZ, the Facebooks, the ESPN pieces and, I dunno, Nick Jr. News have all picked over his carcass, people are surprised that he’s not sounding “sincere” when he takes the podium months later? I mean f-cking-a; the man prob just shared a sex-hab bunk with Brett Michaels and Fava Flav; give him a break.

New Tiger delivers Street Fighter 2 Dragon Punch to Vijay Singh.

Can you imagine that? Imagine having to be reminded, then publicly ridiculed, then sent away to Betty Ford, then having some of your money taken away, then coming back and apologizing to people that you don’t even know for one of those drunk nights that 90% of us have captured on FB. How teary would you sound about that incident about 3 months and 18 million jokes, blogs, articles later?

Sh-t; I’m still waiting for Bush and Rumsfeld to take the stand crying for the way they f-cked all of us for 8 Smurfing years.

So I get it. I do. I’m not defending anything that Tiger did, but I get it.

As a matter of fact, at this point, I wished Tiger stepped out and played the whole thing differently. Like so:

The Kids Don’t Get It: Tiger Cab Confessions

  • Announce a name change: Officially, legally drop “Eldritch”. Eldritch is someone that battles wizards and helps hobbits destroy rings. But “Tiger”? Tiger is someone that pounces and prowls everywhere he goes….scratches his balls on the green–no, no Smurf that–has his caddy scratch his balls for him on the green.

    Will be re-appropriated for rap album cover.

  • Drop a rap album: With his new name, it’s time for a new Tiger–same kick-ass golfer, different hobbies. His album will be called “Cage Match” or “Changing Stripes” or even “ROAR”. His opening single will be “Zoo-F*cking”: “Step into the cage/check out the Wood that I bring/have you in Golf’s Digest talkin’ bout how I made you Vijay-jay Singh”. Boom, Grammy.
  • New products: Cadillac, Disney and Missionary Marriage Sex Inc don’t want you to sponsor them anymore? Who cares! That’s White Mage Eldritch’s problems! Not “Tiger”. Tiger should be endorsing things like the latest Grand Theft Auto game when it comes out, Trojans (Tiger says, “Magnum-sized for when you want to put a hole in one”), and one of those shady energy drinks that I see in 7-11 (“U need an all-hours drink for the all-nite love you’re going to make”).
  • New Image: Yeah, so he’s had some marriage problems now. But you know what? He’s Tiger Woods not Dr. Cliff f-ckin’ Huxtable.  Now he can drop all those high-priced Sears polos he’s been wearing. He’s the greatest golfer around and still the PGA’s biggest draw–probably even bigger now that this has happened. So when he re-emerges, no more of those no-dick khakis. Tiger should wear muscle-tees that have Tiger-clawed distress marks on them like you see on people’s jeans now. He should get a lipstick tattoo on his neck like Kenyon Martin. He should dump his buck-toothed Austrian caddy, and get someone cooler, like Dave Chappelle or the lead “singer” of the Pussycat Dolls. What’s the PGA going to do now, fine him? He made so much money as Eldritch Tiger, he can pay fines til they get tired of fining him. Tight jeans. Muscle tees. Trucker hat. Nicole Shrezinger. New Tiger.
  • New Media Outlet: Finally, enough with the Golf’s Digest, The Caucasian Standard and ESPN interviews. Leave that crap to Phil Mickelson and John “Drinky-drink” Daly. I want Tiger to start interviewing in Maxim and Playboy–hell, he could even take his budding rap career and interview in XXL. Hell if T-Pain can do lame Bud Light commercials, Tiger can do a hip-hop mag. And I want him on Slam Magazine (basketball mag–I know I’m losing 80% of you out there with these references) dunking his golf bag.

    Tiger will get a similar tattoo. When asked of its significance, reply will be "Suck my kiss. ROAR"

Oh, and for now on, Tiger should roar in the middle of press conference Q&As and wear imitation tiger claws for golf clubs for now on when he’s playing. Cut slash marks into his green jacket when he wins the Master’s.

If people are going to talk, give’em something to talk about Tiger.

ROAR.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Mayer of New Pork

In a recent interview with Playboy, John Mayer, he of the creepy “Daughters” song (I mean really, who writes a song imploring parents to be good to their apparently still-young daughters so that eventually a pedo-Mayer can bang them without feeling guilty afterwards?), and he of the randomized appearance on “Chappelle’s Show”(more on that in a bit), admitted that sex with once-upon-a-condom-girlfriend

With support from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, lil' Johnny Mayer gets to meet Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson was like “napalm“.

Now, I remember learning in 7th grade Social Studies class that napalm was actually very bad. The U.S. used it as part of air attacks against North Koreans because of all the shitty Hyundais they were making or because they’d kidnapped Patty Hearst.

Something like that.

This was easier to remember (and learn) when my gifted-talented class re-enacted the air raids in class with the exchange student, me.

Anyway, the point is that I remember that napalm burned. So, this makes Mayer’s declaration rather absurd: when he says sleeping with Jessica was like “sexual napalm” he might mean bomb-ass, celebrity sex-tape-leaked-love-making, but I can’t help but picture Mayer writhing on the bed in pain with one of those Korean rice-farmer hats on while he holds his smoldering crotch.

I mean it’s totally possible that sex with J. Simpson burns–her ex-hubby was in 98 degrees–but I always imagined that sex with Jessica was like her music career: pretty bland and closely managed by her dad.

It does at least grant Simpson an entry on the exclusive Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List though:

Mayer relieves himself after conquering Fort Simpson

Yahoo!’s Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List:

1. Lindsay Lohan–“sexual dirty bomb”

2. Amy Winehouse–“sexual Molotov cocktail”

3. Tila Tequila–“sexual Agent Orange”

4. Jessica Simpson–“sexual napalm”

5. Fergie–“sexual tranny-dong bomb”

Congrats, Jess! I don’t think any of your songs have even charted that high.

Anyway, in honor of this revelation, John asked The Kids to help him re-write his hit song “Daughters” to cash-in on this controversy.

The Kids Don’t Get It Re-Writes ‘Daughters’ For John Mayer (done to original ‘Daughters’ tune):

...you wouldn't hit a girl in mom jeans, would you?

Joe, you did good, with your daugh-ter

she’s a girl I like to do

her ‘tang is like na-palm

which we dropped during Viet-nam

so I suggest that you get some o’ that too

But that’s not even the real topper here with the Mayer-Playboy interview: at one point, Mayer talks debates with his interviewer the idea that since he’s pals with Kanye, Dave Chappelle and Jay-Z, he’s somehow got a N-word pass (oh, and he actually uses the N-word. I just pray that his next song isn’t “Your Body’s a N-word Land”).

While the use of the N-word is eye-ball-gougingly-obnoxious–I mean it’s enough to make a man want to run through the halls of my high school….to scream at the top of my lungs–what I find really hilarious is the very idea that if such a pass existed that they’d give it to someone like John Mayer.

John Mayer!

Do you really think we’d ruin our 28-day celebration this month by granting John Mayer a “community pass”?! Not with the NBA All-Star game and the Grammys happening too!

Besides, previous recipients of the “pass”, had some real swagger to them:

  • Bill Clinton–bad ass who hated whitey so much he married one and had a goofy-looking kid, and then spent his time in office jailing more blacks than Bush and Reagan (please keep that in mind next time we want to celebrate the “first black prez”). Talk about black-on-black crime!
  • Michael Rappaport–crazy white-guy actor that was so street and urban he was probably jailed during the Clinton years.
  • Eminem–fast-talking gimmick rapper with corny-ass jokes–but a great flow. Black!

Now where do you see John Mayer–who looks like one of those St. Jude kids people are always raising money for–fitting into a list like that? Black passes don’t grow on trees you know (though the Man would have you think that they do and we’re just too lazy to pick’em).

So I call shenangigans on John “the napalm N-word” Mayer.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Snow…Snow….SNOW

Perusing Facebook the last couple of days revealed the unsurprising fact that everyone’s posting about the snowfall that’s covered the East Coast over the course of the last week. Pictures and status updates alike are replete with rather ridiculous commentary about the weather outside.

It’s as if everyone’s seeing snow for the first time ever. I mean really; we get snow 3-4x times a year; do we really need:

“Just looked out the window–but can barely see anything! LOL”

“Outside sledding–8 yrs old all over again! LOL”

“Hubby’s outside shoveling while I’m inside watching Ellen and planning our divorce ;)”

“dude snowball fight @ 3pm on the national mall!”

“i want to do coke”

…and so on and so forth. That and the endless series of photos with snowmen, people making snow angels and trudging through the snow is enough to make me wish we all WERE at work instead of posting inane comments about the weather.

Even on the local and national news, the snow is the #1 topic. Just last night I saw Anderson Cooper hop off a helicopter in Haiti and pelt a kid on the stretcher with a snowball.

And so, if it’s that f-cking important to everyone, I hope we see a full embrace of snow being the most important headline in our lives right now. Why, just imagine what that’d be like……..

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Imaginary Snow Headlines in the News

  • Snow Implicated in West Philly Drive-By Shooting; Cops Say Mayor Nutter was intended Target
  • Police On Look-out For Neighborhood Snowman; Wanted For Melting on Women, Children (“He just grinned the whole time”, claims local resident)
  • Blizzard-like Conditions Tear Apart East Coast, Angelina-Brad Marriage
  • Snow Appointed Police Chief of Detroit Amidst Claims of Affirmative Action
  • Blizzard Breaks Into Local Diary Queen, Frees Blizzards
  • East Coast Carrot, Branch Shortage has Residents Wondering About the Need for Snow
  • Latest Gallop Poll Shows More Americans Fear Snow over Afghanistan Retaliation, Economy
  • Snow credited as Informer, FBI reports
  • Snowball Takes a Chance in Hell, Survives
  • Dept. of Education Sect. Duncan’s Latest Report Shows Whites, Snow Still Out-Performing Minorities
  • Craigslist Personal Encounters Ads “Seeking Someone to Snowball With” Creates Confused Parents, Hipsters
  • Want To Increase Her Pleasure? Snowfall Expected to Add 6,8 inches to your Nor’easter
  • “Precious” star, “Hurt Locker”, Snow Expected to Win Big on Oscar Night

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

CNN Reports Cases of Jungle Fever in Riverdale

I never read Archie Comics as a kid. I never cared for its overly-sanitized look at America, thinking that the most accurate depiction of the U.S. of A was best handled by G.I. Joe who had a black guy named Roadblock, a white guy named Duke, bad guy Zartan, who apparently suffered from “Michael Jackson Disease” , tons of hot white girls, Destro who was apparently a black guy that’d been dipped in silver as part of Cobra-hazing and Cobra Commander himself who had a terrible lisp.

That was my America.

But never Archie. I mean, what’s the big deal here? He’s got two chicks fawning over him like all the time, and yet he wants to hang out with a dude named “Jughead”? Jughead is what you call the big girl in college that everyone knows gives BJs when she gets wasted (“dude, everyone’s hooked-up with Jughead–she’s like part of Freshman Orientation!”); it shouldn’t be the name of your best friend.

And there were clearly stretches where it was clear that Archie didn’t know who he was or what he wanted, as best depicted in the scene below:

Eventually, Archie settled down and picked Veronica over Betty, which is sort of like Brad Pitt picking Angelina “U.N. Rep Trollop” Jolie over Jennifer Anniston, which is to say that Archie picked with his junk instead of his heart.

These things happen.

But yet, clearly, something didn’t quite, well, stick. Because now Archie, tired of the constraints of white-washed Riverdale (what with the malt shops, the beach volleyball afternoons and the segregation) is looking to venture over to the Dark Side, as proven in this up-coming issue of Archie Comics:

Foxy Brown

Besides setting Walmart stands in the South ablaze with its promotion of its “brazen display of affection of coloured love with a Negress” which I think is still on the law books in Mississippi, this clearly means that Veronica and Archie’s marriage was over quicker than you could say “Loving vs. Virginia”.

If you don’t recognize her from the Archie-verse of comics, that’s Valerie Brown (get it?); the black chick bassist for Josie and the Pussycats. She’s one of the, well, nevermind.

So what’s she got that Betty/Veronica don’t?

  • a tail. I mean usually black girls have more in the back, but Valerie’s literally got a tail! Kinky. I’m sure this was what always turned Batman on about Catwoman too. Advantage: Valerie

    Archie says "yes to the dress".

  • Experience: I mean, Betty and Veronica and Archie have only known each other, and there’s even a good chance that Archie doesn’t even “know” Veronica post-marriage. Then there’s Valerie: she’s a rocker. She’s been on the road for years, seeing the sights, touring the world, sleeping with Ozzy Osbourne and Ja Rule. Plus, there’s access to the other Pussycats too (in the movie, Tara Reid played “Josie”), which trumps Betty/Veronica’s “Riverdale Missionary-style” offering. BIG Advantage: Valerie
  • She’s black! In Riverdale! And likes Archie! And she’s got a tail (I know, I know, the tail’s not real)! This sort of rareness, one-of-a-kindness goes straight to the heart of comics–collectibles. Advantage: Valerie
  • no more hanging out with Jughead. No soul sister like Valerie is going to want to hangout with your pothead buddy with the Burger King crown and a weird meat/oral fixation. Meanwhile, Betty and Veronica almost insist on hanging out with him. Must be to learn how to eat meat. Valerie? Oh, she doesn’t need Jughead, she learned from Foxy Brown and Cleopatra Jones and hey, yeah, maybe Ella Fitzgerald too. Music biz people stick together. Advantage: Valerie
  • The chance to say each night, “no baby, leave the tail on”. Advantage: Valerie

So there you have it. It’s on now. It’s only a matter of time before the Wilma Flintstone comes sniffing around ‘Joe headquaters looking to get “Roadblock-ed”.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Kids Puts on its 2010 Pt. 3

The Kids is continuing its look at the New Look Faces of 2010, which, when coupled with the string of posts about celebrity mugs means that this blog has been all about head lately. Or something. Anyway, next 2010 Face!

Heidi Montag’s Face:

Much like Leno and Fergie, I don’t know what the lasting appeal is of someone like Heidi Montag. She’s made her ‘fame’ by appearing on The Hills — a reality show about as spontaneous and unscripted as a Shamwow informercial. Heid has also hitched her fortune and fame to her husband Spencer, a man whose facial hair looks like he glued an assortment of young boys’ pubes onto his chin. And now, with a new year, he’s apparently convinced his wife to do something to her face too.

If you haven’t seen already, Heidi underwent 10 surgeries on her face/body in one day.

I repeat: 10 surgeries in one day.

For some perspective:

  • 50 cent was shot in the face 9 times. It’s why he sounds like Mary Jo Buttafuoco when he talks.

    Heidi prepares to get a butt lift.

  • Biggie about 13 times.
  • Lil Wayne looks like he’s been shot in the face a number of times, so let’s say he’s been too. About 80x.

Anyway, that means that Heidi’s officially got a Hip-Hop Face. I mean really: the last woman to take that many shots to her face? Jenna Jameson.

What’s weird though is that she had her breast implants increased to DDDs, a brow lift, a nose job revision, lipo on her stomach and thighs and a butt augmentation, yet didn’t see fit to get her dick removed:

And now, with her new mug, Heidi’s gone from the rich girl you’d love to hate f-ck, to looking like the newest cast member on Desperate Golden Girls Housewives.

Heidi on the set of "The Stepford Wives 2"

At this point, Heidi has few options for continuing her ‘career’. After all, not many people go to the plastic surgeon and say, “make me look like my mother”. So I figure those options consist of the following:

  • Shooting Mannequin 3: Whore in the Store (Window)
  • joining the cast of Real Housewives: Atlanta
  • move to Columbia, MD (which is sorta like joining Real Housewives anyway)
  • now that they’re trying to skew younger and more contemporary, join the GOP, who could use someone to represent their stiff, lifeless, soul-selling values

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Kids Puts on Its 2010 Face Pt. 2–Change you can believe in!

Off-camera, Bill Clinton's flashing his weiner.

It’s 2010, and surprisingly, like the celebrity mug list, 2010 seems to be all about putting on a new face. And so The Kids Don’t Get It returns with a look at the New Faces of 2010. First Face of 2010: Barack Obama!

Barack Obama: Blacker than Ever For the First Time!

A few weeks back now it was revealed that Aryan Grammar Grand Wizard Harry Reid was quoted in a book called “Game Change” as saying that, essentially, “Barack doesn’t talk black enough”. So B.O.’s gone on the offensive and changed his speech to more appropriately reflect Reid’s Ideal Black Man, by making his presidential addresses “more blackified”. Most recently, Barack, in a clear attempt to rectify having his Brother Ranking knocked down several notches–going from a Top 5 which included Redd Foxx, Malcolm X, Shaft and that black guy on The Office as the Most Blackest–to the bottom 50, sandwiched somewhere between Mariah Carey and Michael Rappaport–came out with a State of the Union Address worthy of Dr. Dre and Dave Chappelle.During his speech last week, Barack dropped so many jokes and so much attitude that I had to check to make sure I wasn’t watching Showtime at the Apollo. Hell,he even rubbed the lucky Apollo tree stump before he took the podium.

His opening bit killed too:

"Hahahhahahahhahahahah--b!tch please!"

“You ever notice that white presidents are always all like ‘yakkity-yakkity, yacht club….Oval Office bj’s….bomb bomb bomb and their wives have those weird teacher pancake asses–and people love them? What’s up with that?”. And then just stood back and ate up the applause.

Even Uncle Joe Biden chimed in and said, “atta boy, Barack-y! Tell’em how it is! He totally gets it—White Presidents–CRAZY! I LOVE THIS GUY!”

And so on and so forth. Well, now I have a feeling that we’re in for a New Barack in 2010. I mean let’s face it–Old Barack wasn’t really lighting up the crowd anymore.

Goodbye Jeffrey Osbourne and Neville Brothers CD’s; hello Ghetto Boys and N.W.A.

So long ‘Hail to the Chief’; B.O.’s stepping out to 2pac’s “Hail Mary”.

And at home it’s bye-bye dry Huxtable sex with ailing Thundercats voice grandpa listening through the wall, and hello Martin and Gina bangin’.

And with it comes a whole new way to address the nation.

And so, The Kids proudly presents the exclusive previews of Barack Obama’s New Presidential Addresses:

  • Black Barack on Same-Sex Marriage: “Man I got this cousin who’s got this ‘friend’ that he lives with. That shit’s weird, but I want them to be happy, yo.”*

    Your mom prepares to 'auto-tune' Barack.

  • Black Barack on Health Care: “Bitch, stop coughin’.”
  • Black Barack on Education Reform: “We need to change this shit up. For real, y’all. Ya’ll need to go to college–NBA don’t take HS’ers anymore.”
  • Black Barack on China: “Here in D.C., the idea of China-men taking over the U.S. is ancient history, man. They’ve been in the cornerstores for years now making everything a brother could want in one place: liquor, sea food, lottery tickets, chicken wings, hamburgers, pizza, chinese food–and what’ve we got? F-cking Whole Foods. The U.S. just can’t compete with that sort of market. If they figure out the formula for making their own white women, it’s over.”
  • Black Barack on Death Row: “They fell off once Dre left them.”
  • Black Barack on the Auto Industry: “I got hoes in my Hummer, ev’ry summer/goin’ rumpta-tum-tum on my shit like the Little Drummer/Yeah I know Ford’s going down–mad drama/but you know who’s goin’ down worse? Yo mama.”
  • Black Barack on Immigration: “Man, everyone’s worried about these Mexicans coming into the U.S. when they need to be worried about these China-men! I keep tellin’ you! Four words: white women making formula.”

So there you have it. The new-look Barack. Blacker, badder, more in-your-face than a zit.

*Oh wait, that’s right, Obama doesn’t support same-sex marriage. FAIL.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized