It’s 2010, and surprisingly, like the celebrity mug list, 2010 seems to be all about putting on a new face. And so The Kids Don’t Get It returns with a look at the New Faces of 2010. First Face of 2010: Barack Obama!
Barack Obama: Blacker than Ever For the First Time!
A few weeks back now it was revealed that Aryan Grammar Grand Wizard Harry Reid was quoted in a book called “Game Change” as saying that, essentially, “Barack doesn’t talk black enough”. So B.O.’s gone on the offensive and changed his speech to more appropriately reflect Reid’s Ideal Black Man, by making his presidential addresses “more blackified”. Most recently, Barack, in a clear attempt to rectify having his Brother Ranking knocked down several notches–going from a Top 5 which included Redd Foxx, Malcolm X, Shaft and that black guy on The Office as the Most Blackest–to the bottom 50, sandwiched somewhere between Mariah Carey and Michael Rappaport–came out with a State of the Union Address worthy of Dr. Dre and Dave Chappelle.During his speech last week, Barack dropped so many jokes and so much attitude that I had to check to make sure I wasn’t watching Showtime at the Apollo. Hell,he even rubbed the lucky Apollo tree stump before he took the podium.
His opening bit killed too:
“You ever notice that white presidents are always all like ‘yakkity-yakkity, yacht club….Oval Office bj’s….bomb bomb bomb and their wives have those weird teacher pancake asses–and people love them? What’s up with that?”. And then just stood back and ate up the applause.
Even Uncle Joe Biden chimed in and said, “atta boy, Barack-y! Tell’em how it is! He totally gets it—White Presidents–CRAZY! I LOVE THIS GUY!”
And so on and so forth. Well, now I have a feeling that we’re in for a New Barack in 2010. I mean let’s face it–Old Barack wasn’t really lighting up the crowd anymore.
Goodbye Jeffrey Osbourne and Neville Brothers CD’s; hello Ghetto Boys and N.W.A.
So long ‘Hail to the Chief’; B.O.’s stepping out to 2pac’s “Hail Mary”.
And at home it’s bye-bye dry Huxtable sex with ailing Thundercats voice grandpa listening through the wall, and hello Martin and Gina bangin’.
And with it comes a whole new way to address the nation.
And so, The Kids proudly presents the exclusive previews of Barack Obama’s New Presidential Addresses:
- Black Barack on Same-Sex Marriage: “Man I got this cousin who’s got this ‘friend’ that he lives with. That shit’s weird, but I want them to be happy, yo.”*
- Black Barack on Health Care: “Bitch, stop coughin’.”
- Black Barack on Education Reform: “We need to change this shit up. For real, y’all. Ya’ll need to go to college–NBA don’t take HS’ers anymore.”
- Black Barack on China: “Here in D.C., the idea of China-men taking over the U.S. is ancient history, man. They’ve been in the cornerstores for years now making everything a brother could want in one place: liquor, sea food, lottery tickets, chicken wings, hamburgers, pizza, chinese food–and what’ve we got? F-cking Whole Foods. The U.S. just can’t compete with that sort of market. If they figure out the formula for making their own white women, it’s over.”
- Black Barack on Death Row: “They fell off once Dre left them.”
- Black Barack on the Auto Industry: “I got hoes in my Hummer, ev’ry summer/goin’ rumpta-tum-tum on my shit like the Little Drummer/Yeah I know Ford’s going down–mad drama/but you know who’s goin’ down worse? Yo mama.”
- Black Barack on Immigration: “Man, everyone’s worried about these Mexicans coming into the U.S. when they need to be worried about these China-men! I keep tellin’ you! Four words: white women making formula.”
So there you have it. The new-look Barack. Blacker, badder, more in-your-face than a zit.
*Oh wait, that’s right, Obama doesn’t support same-sex marriage. FAIL.