In a recent interview with Playboy, John Mayer, he of the creepy “Daughters” song (I mean really, who writes a song imploring parents to be good to their apparently still-young daughters so that eventually a pedo-Mayer can bang them without feeling guilty afterwards?), and he of the randomized appearance on “Chappelle’s Show”(more on that in a bit), admitted that sex with once-upon-a-condom-girlfriend
Jessica Simpson was like “napalm“.
Now, I remember learning in 7th grade Social Studies class that napalm was actually very bad. The U.S. used it as part of air attacks against North Koreans because of all the shitty Hyundais they were making or because they’d kidnapped Patty Hearst.
Something like that.
This was easier to remember (and learn) when my gifted-talented class re-enacted the air raids in class with the exchange student, me.
Anyway, the point is that I remember that napalm burned. So, this makes Mayer’s declaration rather absurd: when he says sleeping with Jessica was like “sexual napalm” he might mean bomb-ass, celebrity sex-tape-leaked-love-making, but I can’t help but picture Mayer writhing on the bed in pain with one of those Korean rice-farmer hats on while he holds his smoldering crotch.
I mean it’s totally possible that sex with J. Simpson burns–her ex-hubby was in 98 degrees–but I always imagined that sex with Jessica was like her music career: pretty bland and closely managed by her dad.
It does at least grant Simpson an entry on the exclusive Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List though:
Yahoo!’s Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List:
1. Lindsay Lohan–“sexual dirty bomb”
2. Amy Winehouse–“sexual Molotov cocktail”
3. Tila Tequila–“sexual Agent Orange”
4. Jessica Simpson–“sexual napalm”
5. Fergie–“sexual tranny-dong bomb”
Congrats, Jess! I don’t think any of your songs have even charted that high.
Anyway, in honor of this revelation, John asked The Kids to help him re-write his hit song “Daughters” to cash-in on this controversy.
The Kids Don’t Get It Re-Writes ‘Daughters’ For John Mayer (done to original ‘Daughters’ tune):
Joe, you did good, with your daugh-ter
she’s a girl I like to do
her ‘tang is like na-palm
which we dropped during Viet-nam
so I suggest that you get some o’ that too
But that’s not even the real topper here with the Mayer-Playboy interview: at one point, Mayer talks debates with his interviewer the idea that since he’s pals with Kanye, Dave Chappelle and Jay-Z, he’s somehow got a N-word pass (oh, and he actually uses the N-word. I just pray that his next song isn’t “Your Body’s a N-word Land”).
While the use of the N-word is eye-ball-gougingly-obnoxious–I mean it’s enough to make a man want to run through the halls of my high school….to scream at the top of my lungs–what I find really hilarious is the very idea that if such a pass existed that they’d give it to someone like John Mayer.
Do you really think we’d ruin our 28-day celebration this month by granting John Mayer a “community pass”?! Not with the NBA All-Star game and the Grammys happening too!
Besides, previous recipients of the “pass”, had some real swagger to them:
- Bill Clinton–bad ass who hated whitey so much he married one and had a goofy-looking kid, and then spent his time in office jailing more blacks than Bush and Reagan (please keep that in mind next time we want to celebrate the “first black prez”). Talk about black-on-black crime!
- Michael Rappaport–crazy white-guy actor that was so street and urban he was probably jailed during the Clinton years.
- Eminem–fast-talking gimmick rapper with corny-ass jokes–but a great flow. Black!
Now where do you see John Mayer–who looks like one of those St. Jude kids people are always raising money for–fitting into a list like that? Black passes don’t grow on trees you know (though the Man would have you think that they do and we’re just too lazy to pick’em).
So I call shenangigans on John “the napalm N-word” Mayer.