Los Lonely Boys

Here at The Kids HQ, the household is all abuzz because the NBA Playoffs have been well underway for the last 3 weeks.

Kenyon Martin is in his "happy place" thinking of all the heiffers back home

It’s been a great chance to see Kevin Garnett, the NBA’s resident Crazy Homeless Man Act, Dwyane Wade, who’s starting to have better T-Mobile commercials than playoff appearances, and my favorite, Kenyon Martin*, a man deemed “too ghetto” to appear in episodes of The Wire**. Martin also has a pair of lips tattooed on his neck, most likely from the time his mother kissed him before he was scheduled to be executed. He broke out of the chair, went on a cow-f*cking rampage in Wisconsin, and eventually found his way to the Denver Nuggets, though he still can’t pass an Outback Steakhouse without getting a chubby.

And then there’s Lebron “King” James. What can I say about Lebron that hasn’t been said about a gay pornstar? He pummels guys with reckless abandon, drives hard to hole, handles balls really well, and willing to take on 5 guys all by himself. Never seen anything like him, though that’s largely because I’ve never seen gay porn.

In motion.

In the morning.

Sober.

UPDATE: Lebron just lost to the Homeless Man and the Celtics last night. People are blaming it on his sore elbow. Hey, it’s hard to beat-off guys going after your ball when you’ve got a sore elbow.

Lebron in-between takes on the set of "Space Jam"

But lately, the story is the Phoenix Suns, the Arizona team led by point guard Steve Nash. Nash is a freakishly good athlete that looks like he should be playing soccer or tennis and have someone named Bagger Vance either toweling him off or carrying his balls. You know; like the stuff Lebron “Darth Dong” James does.

Anyway, in a rare show of political posturing and bold statements, the Phoenix Suns recently changed their jerseys from “Phoenix” on the front to “Los Suns”, a reference to towards the recent Arizona immigration law ruling that now allows cops to essentially stop people they suspect of being illegal immigrants due to their appearance. In most urban cities, this is called “Neighborhood Watch”, as in, “hey urban neighborhood, we’re watching you”.

Shoe designer, NBA reporter, J.A. Adande, owner of "Adande Check Cashing", Newark, NJ

During a recent game in Phoenix, Nash was interviewed about the Suns’ decision by J.A. Adande, a black sports journalist from L.A. and not a high-priced African-based shoe-line as you might imagine when hearing “J.A. Adande”:

J.A. : Steve, everyone’s wondering: what’s with the jersey change?

Nash: First of all, J.A., I’d like to congratulate Lebron on his first adult film, “Space Jam”. After seeing a preview of it, I think it’s safe to say he’s definitely not the next Michael Jordan.

J.A. : Riveting. And the jersey change?

Nash: Oh, right. We changed our jerseys to show support for our Mexican-Ameri—

–and that’s as far as he got before getting clubbed, tasered and arrested on the sidelines by the ‘Zona police officers there on duty.

Thanks to an anonymous caller—we’ll call him ‘Bron LeJames’—Nash was promptly sent back to his hometown in the Upper Celine Dion province.

ESPN reporter J.A. Adande was also accosted at the scene after failing an on-the-spot paper bag test and unable to provide the officers with a copy of his freedom papers. He’s been sent to Newark, NJ despite repeatedly yelling that he “wasn’t from there”.

A drunken Nash tries to prove he "bleeds U.S.A." to AZ police

When asked about the Adande Incident–now referred to as “J.A. Gate”—and his claims that he belonged to the ESPN franchise, Phoenix PD Officer Mendoza sneered, “we sent him where he belonged. Let him help his community now by reporting on the rising prices of Old English and how to not win the state lottery every week”.

Adande currently works at a check-cashing store in eastern Newark.

Gasol being, well, Gasol

With other teams possibly slotted to come through Phoenix for the remainder of the playoffs, security detail has been heightened. While officers aren’t worried about Lakers like Pau Gasol (“someone that white and dopey can’t be an illegal”, opined Lt. Garcias) or Sasha Vujacic (“she’s pretty hot”), they are still requiring Ron Artest (wanted in Mexico for impregnating chickens) and Phil Jackson though he’s expected to be cleared once he proves he doesn’t have cloven hooves.

But this still leaves many players concerned for the 2010-2011 NBA season when their teams have to visit the Suns. Players ranging from the phonetically-challenged (listen to Marquis Daniels speak–on anything–and watch the reporter try and decode on the spot), to the bizarre in appearance (Greg Oden looks like he stepped off the set of Harry and the Hendersons) or even the yellow peril of Yao Ming, all of them have something to worry about.

Just ask Nash.

*this is the same Kenyon Martin that threatened to shoot the motherf—ker that filled his car with popcorn as a prank, thus making him the plutonium in “team chemistry”.

**not true, but really, really possible

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Los Lonely Boys

  1. Joel

    ” a man deemed “too ghetto” to appear in episodes of The Wire”
    lolololololololololololololol

  2. Pingback: Greg Oden – Latest Greg Oden news – Greg Oden Wins NBA Draft!! Jeff Gordon is HOTT! SPORTS NEWS!

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