I used to work in Washington D.C.
You know/ever see Grand Theft Auto? You know, how people run the streets killing and stealing cars at random?
Yeah well the crazy thing is, if you ever read the back of a Grand Theft Auto game box, the fine print will read:
“Game elements, ideas and themes were developed in collaboration with the District of Columbia Public School System. Please note that some of the elements were toned down in the interest of not scaring the shit out of people—those DC kindergarteners are crazy!”
Just providing some context. DC is a crazy place.
When I worked in DC, one of the key things I did was visit the public high schools throughout the city. Here are some of the things that I saw in my 2 years touring schools:
- A teacher’s car being burned. In the classroom. With the teacher inside, sleeping.
- A dog checking hall passes in a 9th grade wing. When I said, “man, that’s some crazy shit, what with that dog checking hall passes”, the student escorting me said, “yeah, well, that bitch got tired being principal here and thought this was a good transition once she started having kids”. I looked again: the dog was on its side with three pups and a security guard suckling at its teat.
- An under-resourced marching band that couldn’t afford instruments or uniforms so the students all had to use guns and bandanas instead. I mentioned this to one teacher who could only reply, “what marching band?”. Indeed.
So it comes as little surprise that a recent Washington Post article was about how students in DC were demanding that something be done about the quality education they’ve been receiving:
They asked for better quality condoms.
Makes sense right? If they’ve been getting f-cked all this time, it’d be nice if the DC district switched to magnum-sized ones ribbed for pleasure instead of the expired ones that they gave to school administration teams that would in turn punch holes in them in the hopes that staff or students would impregnate problem students and force them to miss school.
Even Chancellor of Schools, Michelle Rhee defends the idea:
“Look, sure we could get new books, but hell, everybody’s on this whole ‘better books’ thing. It’s a fad. And we already tried ‘Bring Your Baby to Class’ program, but found that most parents were embarrassed that their kids were out-performing them in class, and with roughly 30% of the grandparents in classrooms too, we thought it better to limit the familial dynamics hampering education.”
In a district bereft of afterschool programs, the arts and clean toilets, the Suggestion Box outside of the D.C. Schools District Building was overflowed with one, constant demand: “more fukkin'”.
So what’s to happen with all the old condoms?
According to one charter CEO, he and several other charters have done midnight runs to rummage through the D.C. trash, collecting and disbursing the porous penis pockets amongst their pupils.
“For us, the opportunity to increase our enrollment numbers in-house not only cuts back on recruitment expenses, but ensures we’ll have even more revenue thanks to the per-pupil allotment! Hoozah, free market!”
Meanwhile, the new condoms that the D.C. schools will be using will come in shiny new gold wrappers.
The following are actual quotes from the Washington Post article. Grab a towel cause you’re about to shit yourself:
- So D.C. officials have decided to stock up on Trojan condoms, including the company’s super-size Magnum variety, and they have begun to authorize teachers or counselors, preferably male, to distribute condoms to students if the teachers complete a 30-minute online training course called “WrapMC” — for Master of Condoms. (Kids: This falls under the category of Things You Don’t Mention You’re Certified In on your resume. Also, what’s it mean if you don’t complete the course? Talk about being f-cked, huh?)
- “The gold package certainly has a little bit of the bling quality,” said Michael Kharfen, a spokesman for the city’s HIV/AIDS administration. (Kids: I actually have no words for this bit)