Monthly Archives: June 2010

The Boy Who Would Be King

Ah, the 21st century. A place where the iPad, digital cable and Lady Gaga have somehow convinced millions, nay, gillions, that somehow Life Is Different And Better.

Even Lady Gaga was believed to be the Next Jordan at one point.

But really, strip all the gadgets (is there anything dumber than buying Apple’s first line, intentionally built-with-bugs products the first time they’re released?), gross shows and Gagas away and you’re left with the same core dilemmas that everyone’s always faced:

Men always want to know if there’s more to it all.

Women always want to know if they can have it all.

And minorities always want to know if they can even get a f-ckin’ piece.

Perhaps best exemplifying points #1 and #3, this Thursday marks the opening of the NBA’s free agency period, and all eyes are on Lebron “my name means either ‘NBA ball player’ or ‘Inmate No. 346657’ ” James, the latest, greatest prize-pig to be had in the league.

A contract, a contract, my kingdom for a contract!

You’ve no doubt heard of Lebron James at this point; he’s the nail-biting, puppet-appearing, uber-ballplayer with gaudier stats than NYSE, that’s built like Karl Malone, but chokes more than Jenna Jameson.

Yet, his lack of championship wins is irrelevant because of the whole Oh My God He Dunks So F-cking Hard I Question My Sexual Orientation angle that puts a lot of butts in the seats in arenas around the country, so naturally, he’s the most sought-after free agent. Joining him in the free agency market will be Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Chris Bosh and Amare Stoudemire.

So July 1st’s a big day, followed by the biggest patriotic holiday 3 days later.

I mean, what better way to head into Independence Day than celebrating the latest successful bidding on young black bucks with the most promising physical prowess, “killer instinct” and all the other adjectives once used to describe the likes of everyone from Bo Jackson to OJ Simpson?

July 1, 2010 free agent bidding begins for the NBA

But the big question on everyone’s lips is: where will Lebron James actually sign to play for the next few years?

The possible winners include New York Knicks, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls. Oh yeah, and the Cleveland Cavaliers, James’ current team. What would you do if you were Lebron?

New York Knicks:

"It wasn't ME! It was him, Luigi! It's-a always the Luigi and the Mario!"

What the City Has to Offer (pros): bright lights, Spike Lee’s goatee, celebrity sightings, head coach Mike D’Antoni, who looks like Wario from Mario Kart Racing

What the City Has to Offer (cons): celebrity sightings might include Sarah Jessica “I was a face double for the Black Stallion” Parker, “To Catch a Woody” Allen. Urine soaked subway seats. “Broadway hopefuls”.

Miami Heat:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): The two key smoking Cubans: cigars, women. T-mobile ads. Thongs. “Pros”. Playing “my lips or Bubble Yum?” with Dwyane Wade.

Bubble Yum or my lips? Guess!

What the City Has to Offer (cons): immigration. Scarface’s Friday Night Coke Parties. T-mobile ads. Elian Gonzalez t-shirts. Gloria Estefan crashing the Miami Sound Machine all over South Beach.

Chicago Bulls:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): deep dish pizza, Derrick Rose (Bulls’ PG), eating Fruit Loops with Joakim Noah, wind

What the City Has to Offer (cons): winter, Michael Jordan’s Shadow beating you in practice, deep dish pizza obesity, errant passes from Jay Cutler hitting bystanders

Cleveland Cavaliers:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): Drew Carey and street copies of Witness: The Lebron James’ Mother Sex Tape. The first Cheesecake Factory they opened in town. Shaq’s googly eyes.

What the City Has to Offer (cons): Cleveland. Watching Shaq’s skin slowly sweat buckets of Popeye’s Chicken. Copies of the Delonte West/Lebron James’ Mother sex-tape playing in every Hooters, Dave & Buster’s and the Cavs’ locker room. Cleveland.

So, much like NBA speculation has already predicted/reported, James’ options really come down to two cities: Miami and Chicago. After all, a bad pass from Jay Cutler hitting your mom in the face is a lot better than a good pass from Delonte West hitting your mom in the face, if you catch my drift.

So in a matter of hours, Lebron James will have to decide what matters most:

  • (more) Money?
  • Legacy?
  • (more) Fame?
  • his mother’s love canal?

Boston Celtics check out latest free agents.

It could be one, it could be some, it could well be all of the above. Again, the more things change, the more they stay the same, so conventional wisdom suggests that James, as a minority (want #3 listed at the beginning of this post) and a male (want #1), he’s going to not only want more, but make sure he’s getting a piece of the action.

Just be careful what you wish for, buck.

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Judge Mathis

It’s no surprise anymore that Detroit, MI is going through some hard times. Between the housing collapse and the auto industry collapse even poor Ben Wallace’s hair has fallen down on hard times. Adding to Detroit’s despair is its struggling education system.

Fortunately, Detroit’s Public School system has some strong advocates on its side, determined to beat the achievement gap no matter what.

Bringing new meaning to the idea of “relentless pursuit”,  Otis Mathis, Detroit’s Public School President, has got his hands full lately.

It’s what it’s full of that’s getting him in trouble.

According to Superintendent Teresa Gueyser, President Mathis has been using several meetings with her inappropriately “exerting his power”. Apparently, during several meetings between Mathis and Gueyser, the Superintendent claims that Mathis began, er, pulling his rank a lot.

In a letter issued to the other members of the Public School l Board, Gueyser claimed that Mathis engaged in masturbating during meetings so often that she actually referred to it as his “usual habit”. To be fair, this probably describes a lot of guys’ habits.

In a classic There’s No Good Answer To This response, Mathis explained being such a jerk(-off) by offering that the behavior/actions are a reflection of “ongoing health problems”.

WTF–“ongoing health problems”?

Stephen Hawkins has “ongoing health problems”.

Bruce Banner has “ongoing health problems”.

I mean Smurf, for that matter, MJ and Gary Coleman have “ongoing health problems”.

Ask Yourself: Is this the face of a man that likes to play around (with himself)?

This is not an ongoing health problem, unless Mathis is in an urgent race to go blind (a consequence explained to me by my mom and that episode of Different Strokes where Arnold gets caught with Mrs. Garrett’s bra), which is quite possible since the state of Detroit (schools, industries, housing, McDonald’s) would suggest that everyone there in power is rather blind, or at least jerking around too, so maybe he wanted to just keep up with the Johnsons ?

In an attempt to beat the truth out of Mathis, The Kids flew to Detroit to interview him. Unfortunately, the plane was shot down by locals near the city border, so this interview had to take place in nearby Dearborn.

The Kids Don’t Get It Interview Detroit Public School President Mathis

The Kids: Dirty Prez Mathis, thanks for the interview.

Mathis: My pleasure. And thank you for giving me a chance to clear my pipes, I mean clear the air.

The Kids: Sure thing. Now, President Mathis, Detroit public schools are in bad, bad shape. Worse shape than, say, Rosie O’Donnell. You have a tight, tight budget–

Mathis: –yes.

The Kids: –schools with gaping holes–

Mathis:–yes, yes–

The Kids:–in the walls, school restrooms with floors so wet–

Mathis (eyes closed now):–yes, yes, yes, how wet are they? how wet are they?

The Kids: …well according to one report, Sup. Gueyser slipped and split her skirt–

Mathis: yesyesyesyesyes

The Kids:–I mean the list goes on. Dirty halls, dirty windows, loose–

Mathis: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes

The Kids:–standards for hiring teachers, I mean, Mr. Mathis, teachers are afraid to open their mouths about this so everyone’s lips are sealed tight, but I think it’s time you got off your

Mathis: yesyesyesyesohgodohgod

The Kids:–ass and did something, sir. I mean realy, let’s stop beating around the bush here–

Mathis: ok, shutupshutupshutupstop….mmm, sleepy….

The Kids: well, it seems you’ve got a real mess on your hands, Mr. Mathis.

Needless to say, I let myself out after that interview.

In his defense–and no, I don’t mean what fellow board member Reverend David Murray offered in Mathis’ defense (“It happens to a lot of young men. They engage in behavior they feel is harmless and it’s offensive to certain people…. It could be deemed offensive, but some women are more sensitive to those types of things than others….I feel bad for him because he probably felt that it was something she would probably like or she got humor out of it.”, further proof that the lord does indeed work in strange ways–Mathis was merely solidifying Detroit’s spot in the Inner Circle composed of New York, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., New Orleans, Houston, Los Angeles, Vegas and the Twin Cities–all together performing a rather firm circle jerk in urban schooling.

I mean for fuck’s sake it’s times like this we ask ourselves What Would Mr. Belding Do? Or at least Jaleesa on A Different World.

Pass the lotion, huh?

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Megan’s Law

I was reading one of my many geeky websites the other day, and I noticed that there was a new interview with Megan Fox. I have a firm rule in life to not trust anyone that consorts with Brian Austin Green (what with me being Team Donna and all), but I went ahead and clicked on it anyway.

Looking a gift-less horse in the mouth

Fox, naturally, has been doing the press junket lately to promote her latest movie, Jonah Hex, starring her and James Brolin.  The movie got off to a rather dismal start opening weekend; it opened #7 in the box office at only $6.6 million.

For the uninitiated, Jonah Hex is a comic book-based character; he’s a lone wolf sort of cowboy that roams Frontier-era America banging local whores, beating up crooks and upholding his brand of justice. Kind of like Clinton when he was in office.

Jonah Hex also bears a trademark scar on his face that gives him a distinctive, water-cooler-conversation-type appearance, like say Tina Fey.

Anyway, at $6.6 mil, it seems that Hollywood over-estimated the public’s desire for movie’s about scar-faced cowboys that can talk to the dead (call it The Six-Shooter Sense). And not even Fox’s “Skanks for the applause” appearance (she–brace yourself–played the town whore in this movie. It’s like casting O.J. in a film as a man with “character flaws”) was enough to redeem this movie. I think the movie would’ve fared better if Fox spent her time on the press junket actually pressing her junk on members of the press. Sure they would’ve probably smelled like year-old, sun-baked boxes of Summer’s Eve (and is that a hint of Steve Sanders I taste?), but it surely wouldn’t have stunk as bad as Jonah Hex.

All of which brings me back to the opening:  Why Megan Fox?

Don't Stand So Close to Me: Brolin suffers facial scarring after reading Fox's filmography.

To date, Fox has about 4 movies to her name: the two abysmally-racist, oppressive Transformers movies, Jennifer’s Body (sadly, not about Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Lopez, or even the mysterious fat-people benefactor, Jenny Craig) and now Jonah Hex. If I’ve forgotten a movie it’s because it’s even less important than these. Anyway, with the exception of Transformers (a role that was probably identified in the manuscript as Skinny Ho in Jean Shorts) her movies haven’t done very well.

At all.

Megan Fox on the set of "Little Women Redux"

So, it makes me wonder: why is Hollywood still making movies with her in it? I mean, she’s not even getting naked in any of these movies (despite showing up to every audition–T’formers, Jonah Hex, How to Train Your Dragon–without clothes on), and what with everyone from Kendra from E!’s The Girls Sleeping Next to Death Door to Adam West doing porn, what’s the draw of seeing someone prance around in denim-cutoffs and cowboy vests for 20mins of film time?

And again, aside from the Transformers franchise (which she just got booted out of after referring to director Michael Bay as “Hitler-like”–when she should’ve said David Duke-like) her movies have been nothing but poor returns, though they make for a compelling narrative to Fox’s life story:

  • Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen ($9.3 million)
  • How to Lose Friends and Alienate People ($2.7 million)
  • Whore (not even reported! though there are reports that Austin-Green yelled the movie title whenever Fox appeared on-screen)
  • Passion Play (not yet released, but sure to suck)

I mean really, the last time I saw money come in this low it was pooled around the bottom of a stripper pole

And so, I propose to put an end to this needless, constant employment of Stars That Shouldn’t be Stars. And in honor of Fox, I’m calling it “Megan’s Law”.

With Megan’s Law, an actor/actress/entertainer/Tila Tequila gets only 3 chances to prove your worth: after that, you’re required to register in a Hollywood system that will flag studios, casting calls and coke parties of your presence anytime you’re within 30miles of them.

Chris Hansen tries to get Adam Sandler to consider other career options.

It’s all about setting a performance bar for flushing out bad blood sooner and getting us access/exposure to quicker, better blood (I just read something about True Blood hence all the blood references. Hey, speaking of True Blood, if that show teaches us anything, it teaches us to keep your daughters away from pianos when they’re kids, because they’ll grow-up to be backwater sluts that sleep with fey vampires).

–Had a bad movie? Hey, that’s ok, even Antonio Banderas made Shark Boy and Lava Girl! But 2, 3 bad movies? Within 3 years time? You’re on your way to being outed quicker than you can say “Lance Bass”.

–Bad movies and bizarre public appearances? Strike 2 , son–you’re almost done.

–Bad movies, bizarre public appearances AND a strange relationship(s)? Dead. Hume Cronyn dead.

Put into effect, Megan’s Law would effectively end the career of the following entertainers/celebrities and their causes:

  • Jamie Foxx (Everything since Ray. Everything.)
  • Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four movies, Honey, choosing to have kids over posing on the cover for Maxim)
  • Lindsay Lohan (Lindsay Lohan)
  • Sandra Bullock (All About Steve, The Blackside Blindside, marriage to Jesse James, face)
  • Will.i.am. (Fergie…’My Humps’….’I Got a Feeling’…..I mean, is it possible to lyrically do white-face?)
  • Jesus (last movies: Passion of the Christ, South Park and He Got Game. Game. Over.)

And should they still try to appear at award shows, auditions or club parties? Why, thanks to Megan’s Law technology, Chris Hansen will be there on the scene to intercept (“What are you doing here? Did you really think it’d be ok for you to show up here, Mr. i.am? You make me sick. Wipe that white-face off and get out of here.”).

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Is that a Batarang in Your Pants, or…..?

When young Bruce Wayne’s parents were shot and killed in front of his eyes in the alley outside a movie theater (they’d just seen Sex and the City 2: Grannies in Gucci), his mother’s last dying words were, “….son, I love you, dress as a bat” and his father’s were, “….stop….watching…us….bleed….you….assrabbit….and get….help!”.

And with that, Batman was born.

Menage a Bat

And with that, a Hollywood cashcow took to the streets.

Since the 60’s, Batman’s enjoyed a lot of screen time in various forms. There’s of course the now-seen-as-campy-and-fetish-like Batman TV show, which brought us the likes of Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar as Catwoman, the amazing Caesar Romero as The Joker, and Adam West’s gut.

Then there were the Burton films–Batman and Batman Returns, which taught us two things: Bruce Wayne rocks high-end mullets and that when Batman fights crime he hears Prince music in his head.

Fast-forward to the post-Burton films and you’re introduced to the most bizarre Bat-concepts to date, like:

  • Val Kilmer’s not only alive, but choosing to play Batman instead of Catwoman?
  • Chris O’Donnell’s Robin earned him the answer to, “we’re starting a mediocre crime drama with LL Cool J in it because Ladies Love Cool J. But we need someone who latent homosexual suburban dads can relate to. Who can we get….?”.
  • George Clooney as Batman, thus making it two blemishes on his resume’: the Batman movies and all the Ocean movies

    "Don't worry Commissioner Gordon, we're on it: it's our duty, to please that booty."

  • and lastly, playing the Joker is bad for one’s health: Heath Ledger died, and Jack Nicholson died years ago and hasn’t realized it yet

    "Is it really necessary for you to rope climb with me still?"

….it’s enough to make any man go a little Lady Gaga right?

Well, enter the latest entry in the Bat-archives then. Some clever duck decided to take the best incarnation of screen Batman (the Adam West version, not the “I’ve just finished yelling in a prison riot” Christian Bale version) and has created the next, most logical thing:

Batman porn.

You thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was deadly before? Yeah, well brother, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Done in the vein of the 60’s Batman show, the film (creatively named Batman XXX: A Porn Parody) takes the show’s setting and quite literally f-cks with it.

Some popular, well-known pornstars (er, so I’m told) have taken up the mantles of Batman, Robin, Batgirl to tag-team against the likes of The Riddler, The Joker, Catwoman and, I dunno, Herpes-man.

"Ok, I'll do this, but I'd really feel better if Robin was here, too Catwoman."

If you ever wanted to see Catwoman’s Dynamic Duo, well then, here’s your chance.

And if you thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was something to behold before, well, uh, just watch.

While I can’t say that I have (or have not) seen clips of the film, it’s a porn, so I can only imagine that some of the lines/scenes must go something like this:

Robin: Man, looks like The Joker’s just had his last laugh.

Batgirl (panting, sweaty): Yeah, this one’s another case closed.

Robin: Hey, speaking of ‘closed’ open your legs.

Batgirl: What? But we’re still on the job?

Robin: Speaking of ‘jobs’, how about you come over here and–

Batgirl: Robin, what’s come over you??!!

Robin: Hey, speaking of “coming over you”…

You get the jizz gist.

The Joker squirts his trick flower

Despite the payoff of seeing your childhood (or, if you’re like me, adulthood) heroes going at it, there’s still the non-arousal factor that it’s all, er, packaged, in.

I mean, it’s going to be weird seeing The Joker having sex with that maniacal grin on his face the entire time. Then again, I think that’s how most guys look when they finally lose their virginity, so maybe we should call it Even-Stevens (or maybe we shouldn’t since Even-Stevens is a Disney pre-teen show, too).

Reason #556 why The Riddler might be the scariest one to see in Batman XXX

Despite the obvious draw of seeing Batman snagging Poison Ivy with his Bat-rope, or seeing Catwoman teach Commissioner Gordon what it really means to be p-ssy-whipped, the comic geek in me (but sadly not in Julie Newmar, hey-o!) is probably most hoping for the scenes with The Riddler to be true-to-character. I’d love to see him open every sex scene with one of his trademark riddles:

–What beast has two backs, 4 legs, 2 heads and 69 mouths?

–What’s long in the morning, short in the afternoon, and then long again at night?

–What tastes like fish, sounds like a cat and looks like a flower?

–Where can you throw a hot dog in a hallway and still use it for buns later?

–Are you on the pill?

…and so on and so forth.

How exciting though! With the recent…rise….of comic books movies and such, it’s only a matter of time before we see other comic properties brought to the adult screen.

-Superman: Man of Steel

-Flash: Done in 60 Seconds

-Captain America: Red, White and Blew

-The Fantastic Foursome

-Spider-man: Sticky Situations

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Running on MT(V)

So it’s that time of year again when MTV airs the MTV Movie Awards airs ad infinitum. I think it averages about 3,000 views today, roughly the equivalent of the number of image views that “Dame Judy Dench naked” gets.

Host Aziz makes the most out of the event by getting his black face on

With each passing year though, both MTV Movie Awards (and, for that matter, the Music Awards too) and I seem to get older.

More crankier.

More constipated.

There was a time too, that the whole thing was guaranteed  to have A Moment To Witness (more on that in a bit), and included some of THE biggest names in Hollywood at a given time: from ’93 to ’00 the hosts included the likes of Eddie Murphy (Funny Eddie, not I Bang Gender Benders Eddie), Sarah Jessica “Why the long face, boo?” Parker, Will Smith (the Family Feud #1 answer to the question, “what black person would most whites have over their house for dinner and maybe a dessert key party?”), Ben Stiller and Samuel L. Jackson (#2 on the Family Feud answer list). Pretty impressive, right?

Fast-forward to the post-2000 shows though, and you get a different picture, one that’s in lock-step with the declining quality. During this span, the hosts consisted of:

  • Jimmy Fallon and Kirsten Dunst; two people who defy the odds by consistently being employed
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jack Black: one I’d love to hatef*ck, and the other’s Sarah Michelle Gellar

    Oh man; everyone's going to be talking about this tomorrow!

  • Sean William Scott “Stifler” from the American Pie movies; he now f-cks pies for a living, sorta like the circus geek who bites chickens’ heads off
  • Sarah Silverman: whose head I wish was bitten off
  • Jimmy Fallon again: wtf
  • Mike Myers: hot on the heels of The Love Guru !
  • ….and now Aziz Ansari: right, exactly

Perhaps best encapsulating how tired and low-down this show has become, this year’s award show honored Sandra Bullock with the Generation Award.

Good ol’ Sandy Bullock, forever described and loved as one of those Girl Next Door appealing actresses, which we all know is shorthand for “cute girl with small t!ts”. She joins the likes of Saved By the Bell-era Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Danica McKellar (Winnie from The Wonder Years) and the boy from Malcolm in the Middle.

Don’t believe me when I say these things correlate to breast-size?

Sandra showing just how much support she needs during these trying times

It’s really quite simple: Sandra Bullock fits snugly into the “Girl Next Door” spot, right snag in-between -A cup Calista Flockhart (Fetus Next Door) and more ample examples like say Angelina Jolie (STD Next Door or say “are those breasts or should your shirt be seized and searched on grounds for human trafficking?” cup-sized mavens like Pamela Anderson/Christina Hendricks (Bang me against the Door).

So you see? Good, because I don’t because I forgot the point of this post at the moment.

Oh right: Sandra Bullock.

So yeah, Sandy gets The Generation Award, because movies like Speed, Speed 2, Hope Floats and The Blind Side Totally Get Me. If my life’s been about anything, it’s been about being stuck on a bomb-strapped speeding bus right after my significant other’s left me with this baby meaning my life’s totally hopeless (but floaty!) until I then end up on a doomed cruise ship, but thank God for the plucky white lady that saved me and help me make it into the NFL.

Sandy Bullock, center square for the win!

Undoubtedly the real stunt behind this was MTV’s attempt to cash-in on Sandy’s recent spate of misfortune: right after winning an Oscar for The Blind Side she found out that her hubby was hope-floating it with a tattoo tramp.

The adoption's ridiculous, but the look on the baby's face? Priceless!

Sandy bounced back nicely though  (impressive, what with being an A cup and all) dodging the paparazzi cameras by doing the only logical thing: She adopted a brown baby! I’ve not bothered to look it up, but I’m guessing she named it something like “Symphony”, or “Emerson”, or “NPR”

It’s a move that joins the list of “Things that were cool about, oh, say 4-5 years ago” like Fuddrucker’s, or say Sandra Bullock.

Also on that list:

–when she accepted a similar award on another awards show, she made the acceptance speech about The Wrongful Media Obsession With Her Personal Life. Not sure if this was before or after she posed with Symphony on the cover of People Magazine.

–when she accepted the award, she kissed Scarlett Johansson on the mouth, like Madonna and Brit Spears and Christina Aguilera did many Moonmen ago. How scandalous! How sensational! Even the crowd’s reaction seemed rather exasperated. It might’ve been hotter if she kissed Betty White instead. Push backed her frosty death-white curls. Rubbed her free hand (the one not holding the award) slowly across Betty’s backside, playfully tugging at the ridges of her diaper. Sliding her dentures around suggestively.

Hey, why’s my hand drifting beneath the tab–never mind.

Bullock uses her Blind Side powers to steal some of Scarlett's sweet, sweet youth nectar

But that’s the whole thing now, innit? MTV being two-steps behind the zeitgeist (with most of its viewing public probably thinking “The Zeitgeist” is some new band headed by Scarlett Johanssen). I mean their only other “big” moment was having Tom Cruise and J-Lo do a dance number together, while their weirdo spouses–Missionary Fun Katie Holmes and Mexican Pinocchio Enrique Iglesias–clapped soulessly backstage.

So yeah, it’s sad. And yeah, maybe I’m writing this while I’ve been drinking wine–f-ck off, eh?

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Handing out Flyers

Here in Philly, everyone’s running in the streets screaming about the Flyers being in the Stanley Cup playoffs. This is a change of pace; usually people are running in the streets of Philly just punching each other.

But everyone (white people, black people, the mythical “Latino people” that live in North Philly, old people and the rich) are all crazy for the Flyers because, well, everyone likes a winner, and now that the Flyers are in a position to win it all (er, though they lost Game 1 Saturday night), it’s all, “YEAH F-CKIN’ FLYERS!!!!!” whereas a mere month ago most Philadelphians probably thought the Philadelphia Flyers was the name of the groupie sluts that the Eagles flew on a separate plane to pleasure them during road games during the season (and, yeah, the off-season).

Church service in Philadelphia, PA

But now it’s everywhere–everywhere. Orange and black t-shirts pepper the city like you’ve suddenly been dropped into a town made up of Princeton alumni (oh but trust me, you’re not though). And from the countless postings  of Flyers-by-night fans on Facebook, people who look for any reason to drink around emotion (BP oil spill? Drink! Don’t Ask Don’t Tell? Drink! Flyers win/lose in playoffs? Drink!) the bandwagon’s dragging its wheels pretty deep in the dirt already.

Outside of the local Barnes & Noble here, there’s a black guy selling Flyers tees for $5.

He stopped me as I walked by to see if I wanted one, too. Our exchange went like this:

T-shirt Guy: “Hey brother, I got Flyers t-shirts for $5! Want one?”

Kids: “Me? Oh, no, no thanks.”

T-shirt Guy: “Come on, brother–it’s the Flyers! Philly baby!

Kids: “No, really, thanks.”

T-shirt Guy (grabbing me close): “Brother, you don’t understand. You don’t have to buy this because you’re a fan. Shit, I don’t care if you even have a TV. But if Flyers win Game 1 or the series? These white people are going to go crazy. You know how they do: burning, breaking, punching and f-cking shit because somebody won a game. And they’re going to be looking for anything that’s not wearing orange and black to mess that shit up. And then in the morning, black and brown people gotta clean all their shit up. I swear this place is like f-cking Wonderland sometimes. Where was I?

Kids: Flyers.

Your 74-75 NHL Champion Flyers!

T-shirt Guy: Oh yeah. Hockey. Hockey! I don’t believe in no hat tricks. See I grew up in Alabama. You want to know what a hat trick is? 6 white boys showing up outside your house at midnight with hoods on lightin’ crosses  and then running around the corner to switch into cop uniforms when you call the police. That’s a hat trick. And power play? Shiiiit, these white people been runnin’ power plays in this country running everything from the lotto to Walmart–until Obama won that is. Now we’re seeing a power play! So brother you decide: you want to be a part of the celebration, or do you want to be a part of the celebration?”

I bought 7 t-shirts.

Despite the fervor, I still can’t get into hockey, though. We watched part of Game 1 that night, and I still couldn’t get over the basic premise:

10 white guys in masks batting a little black thing around with their sticks?

Sounds like a Duke lacrosse party to me.

So I pass.

So when people ask if I’m a fan of the Flyers, I say no because I hate that they’re always stuck on my car windshield.

The Lindross jersey hangs in the Spectrum

When someone asks if anyone can name a Flyer, I say, “Buy 1 Burrtito, Get 1 1/2 Off at Quidoba”.

I do not yell GO FLYERS.

I do not know what icing is, besides it being that stuff that makes my cousin’s diabetes “flare up”.

But still, when the revolution comes down Broad Street in here in Center City? I’ll be ready with my Flyers gear on.

GO FLYERS!

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