So it’s that time of year again when MTV airs the MTV Movie Awards airs ad infinitum. I think it averages about 3,000 views today, roughly the equivalent of the number of image views that “Dame Judy Dench naked” gets.
With each passing year though, both MTV Movie Awards (and, for that matter, the Music Awards too) and I seem to get older.
There was a time too, that the whole thing was guaranteed to have A Moment To Witness (more on that in a bit), and included some of THE biggest names in Hollywood at a given time: from ’93 to ’00 the hosts included the likes of Eddie Murphy (Funny Eddie, not I Bang Gender Benders Eddie), Sarah Jessica “Why the long face, boo?” Parker, Will Smith (the Family Feud #1 answer to the question, “what black person would most whites have over their house for dinner and maybe a dessert key party?”), Ben Stiller and Samuel L. Jackson (#2 on the Family Feud answer list). Pretty impressive, right?
Fast-forward to the post-2000 shows though, and you get a different picture, one that’s in lock-step with the declining quality. During this span, the hosts consisted of:
- Jimmy Fallon and Kirsten Dunst; two people who defy the odds by consistently being employed
- Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jack Black: one I’d love to hatef*ck, and the other’s Sarah Michelle Gellar
- Sean William Scott “Stifler” from the American Pie movies; he now f-cks pies for a living, sorta like the circus geek who bites chickens’ heads off
- Sarah Silverman: whose head I wish was bitten off
- Jimmy Fallon again: wtf
- Mike Myers: hot on the heels of The Love Guru !
- ….and now Aziz Ansari: right, exactly
Perhaps best encapsulating how tired and low-down this show has become, this year’s award show honored Sandra Bullock with the Generation Award.
Good ol’ Sandy Bullock, forever described and loved as one of those Girl Next Door appealing actresses, which we all know is shorthand for “cute girl with small t!ts”. She joins the likes of Saved By the Bell-era Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Danica McKellar (Winnie from The Wonder Years) and the boy from Malcolm in the Middle.
Don’t believe me when I say these things correlate to breast-size?
It’s really quite simple: Sandra Bullock fits snugly into the “Girl Next Door” spot, right snag in-between -A cup Calista Flockhart (Fetus Next Door) and more ample examples like say Angelina Jolie (STD Next Door or say “are those breasts or should your shirt be seized and searched on grounds for human trafficking?” cup-sized mavens like Pamela Anderson/Christina Hendricks (Bang me against the Door).
So you see? Good, because I don’t because I forgot the point of this post at the moment.
Oh right: Sandra Bullock.
So yeah, Sandy gets The Generation Award, because movies like Speed, Speed 2, Hope Floats and The Blind Side Totally Get Me. If my life’s been about anything, it’s been about being stuck on a bomb-strapped speeding bus right after my significant other’s left me with this baby meaning my life’s totally hopeless (but floaty!) until I then end up on a doomed cruise ship, but thank God for the plucky white lady that saved me and help me make it into the NFL.
Sandy Bullock, center square for the win!
Undoubtedly the real stunt behind this was MTV’s attempt to cash-in on Sandy’s recent spate of misfortune: right after winning an Oscar for The Blind Side she found out that her hubby was hope-floating it with a tattoo tramp.
Sandy bounced back nicely though (impressive, what with being an A cup and all) dodging the paparazzi cameras by doing the only logical thing: She adopted a brown baby! I’ve not bothered to look it up, but I’m guessing she named it something like “Symphony”, or “Emerson”, or “NPR”
It’s a move that joins the list of “Things that were cool about, oh, say 4-5 years ago” like Fuddrucker’s, or say Sandra Bullock.
Also on that list:
–when she accepted a similar award on another awards show, she made the acceptance speech about The Wrongful Media Obsession With Her Personal Life. Not sure if this was before or after she posed with Symphony on the cover of People Magazine.
–when she accepted the award, she kissed Scarlett Johansson on the mouth, like Madonna and Brit Spears and Christina Aguilera did many Moonmen ago. How scandalous! How sensational! Even the crowd’s reaction seemed rather exasperated. It might’ve been hotter if she kissed Betty White instead. Push backed her frosty death-white curls. Rubbed her free hand (the one not holding the award) slowly across Betty’s backside, playfully tugging at the ridges of her diaper. Sliding her dentures around suggestively.
Hey, why’s my hand drifting beneath the tab–never mind.
But that’s the whole thing now, innit? MTV being two-steps behind the zeitgeist (with most of its viewing public probably thinking “The Zeitgeist” is some new band headed by Scarlett Johanssen). I mean their only other “big” moment was having Tom Cruise and J-Lo do a dance number together, while their weirdo spouses–Missionary Fun Katie Holmes and Mexican Pinocchio Enrique Iglesias–clapped soulessly backstage.
So yeah, it’s sad. And yeah, maybe I’m writing this while I’ve been drinking wine–f-ck off, eh?