Is that a Batarang in Your Pants, or…..?

When young Bruce Wayne’s parents were shot and killed in front of his eyes in the alley outside a movie theater (they’d just seen Sex and the City 2: Grannies in Gucci), his mother’s last dying words were, “….son, I love you, dress as a bat” and his father’s were, “….stop….watching…us….bleed….you….assrabbit….and get….help!”.

And with that, Batman was born.

Menage a Bat

And with that, a Hollywood cashcow took to the streets.

Since the 60’s, Batman’s enjoyed a lot of screen time in various forms. There’s of course the now-seen-as-campy-and-fetish-like Batman TV show, which brought us the likes of Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar as Catwoman, the amazing Caesar Romero as The Joker, and Adam West’s gut.

Then there were the Burton films–Batman and Batman Returns, which taught us two things: Bruce Wayne rocks high-end mullets and that when Batman fights crime he hears Prince music in his head.

Fast-forward to the post-Burton films and you’re introduced to the most bizarre Bat-concepts to date, like:

  • Val Kilmer’s not only alive, but choosing to play Batman instead of Catwoman?
  • Chris O’Donnell’s Robin earned him the answer to, “we’re starting a mediocre crime drama with LL Cool J in it because Ladies Love Cool J. But we need someone who latent homosexual suburban dads can relate to. Who can we get….?”.
  • George Clooney as Batman, thus making it two blemishes on his resume’: the Batman movies and all the Ocean movies

    "Don't worry Commissioner Gordon, we're on it: it's our duty, to please that booty."

  • and lastly, playing the Joker is bad for one’s health: Heath Ledger died, and Jack Nicholson died years ago and hasn’t realized it yet

    "Is it really necessary for you to rope climb with me still?"

….it’s enough to make any man go a little Lady Gaga right?

Well, enter the latest entry in the Bat-archives then. Some clever duck decided to take the best incarnation of screen Batman (the Adam West version, not the “I’ve just finished yelling in a prison riot” Christian Bale version) and has created the next, most logical thing:

Batman porn.

You thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was deadly before? Yeah, well brother, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Done in the vein of the 60’s Batman show, the film (creatively named Batman XXX: A Porn Parody) takes the show’s setting and quite literally f-cks with it.

Some popular, well-known pornstars (er, so I’m told) have taken up the mantles of Batman, Robin, Batgirl to tag-team against the likes of The Riddler, The Joker, Catwoman and, I dunno, Herpes-man.

"Ok, I'll do this, but I'd really feel better if Robin was here, too Catwoman."

If you ever wanted to see Catwoman’s Dynamic Duo, well then, here’s your chance.

And if you thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was something to behold before, well, uh, just watch.

While I can’t say that I have (or have not) seen clips of the film, it’s a porn, so I can only imagine that some of the lines/scenes must go something like this:

Robin: Man, looks like The Joker’s just had his last laugh.

Batgirl (panting, sweaty): Yeah, this one’s another case closed.

Robin: Hey, speaking of ‘closed’ open your legs.

Batgirl: What? But we’re still on the job?

Robin: Speaking of ‘jobs’, how about you come over here and–

Batgirl: Robin, what’s come over you??!!

Robin: Hey, speaking of “coming over you”…

You get the jizz gist.

The Joker squirts his trick flower

Despite the payoff of seeing your childhood (or, if you’re like me, adulthood) heroes going at it, there’s still the non-arousal factor that it’s all, er, packaged, in.

I mean, it’s going to be weird seeing The Joker having sex with that maniacal grin on his face the entire time. Then again, I think that’s how most guys look when they finally lose their virginity, so maybe we should call it Even-Stevens (or maybe we shouldn’t since Even-Stevens is a Disney pre-teen show, too).

Reason #556 why The Riddler might be the scariest one to see in Batman XXX

Despite the obvious draw of seeing Batman snagging Poison Ivy with his Bat-rope, or seeing Catwoman teach Commissioner Gordon what it really means to be p-ssy-whipped, the comic geek in me (but sadly not in Julie Newmar, hey-o!) is probably most hoping for the scenes with The Riddler to be true-to-character. I’d love to see him open every sex scene with one of his trademark riddles:

–What beast has two backs, 4 legs, 2 heads and 69 mouths?

–What’s long in the morning, short in the afternoon, and then long again at night?

–What tastes like fish, sounds like a cat and looks like a flower?

–Where can you throw a hot dog in a hallway and still use it for buns later?

–Are you on the pill?

…and so on and so forth.

How exciting though! With the recent…rise….of comic books movies and such, it’s only a matter of time before we see other comic properties brought to the adult screen.

-Superman: Man of Steel

-Flash: Done in 60 Seconds

-Captain America: Red, White and Blew

-The Fantastic Foursome

-Spider-man: Sticky Situations

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