Judge Mathis

It’s no surprise anymore that Detroit, MI is going through some hard times. Between the housing collapse and the auto industry collapse even poor Ben Wallace’s hair has fallen down on hard times. Adding to Detroit’s despair is its struggling education system.

Fortunately, Detroit’s Public School system has some strong advocates on its side, determined to beat the achievement gap no matter what.

Bringing new meaning to the idea of “relentless pursuit”,  Otis Mathis, Detroit’s Public School President, has got his hands full lately.

It’s what it’s full of that’s getting him in trouble.

According to Superintendent Teresa Gueyser, President Mathis has been using several meetings with her inappropriately “exerting his power”. Apparently, during several meetings between Mathis and Gueyser, the Superintendent claims that Mathis began, er, pulling his rank a lot.

In a letter issued to the other members of the Public School l Board, Gueyser claimed that Mathis engaged in masturbating during meetings so often that she actually referred to it as his “usual habit”. To be fair, this probably describes a lot of guys’ habits.

In a classic There’s No Good Answer To This response, Mathis explained being such a jerk(-off) by offering that the behavior/actions are a reflection of “ongoing health problems”.

WTF–“ongoing health problems”?

Stephen Hawkins has “ongoing health problems”.

Bruce Banner has “ongoing health problems”.

I mean Smurf, for that matter, MJ and Gary Coleman have “ongoing health problems”.

Ask Yourself: Is this the face of a man that likes to play around (with himself)?

This is not an ongoing health problem, unless Mathis is in an urgent race to go blind (a consequence explained to me by my mom and that episode of Different Strokes where Arnold gets caught with Mrs. Garrett’s bra), which is quite possible since the state of Detroit (schools, industries, housing, McDonald’s) would suggest that everyone there in power is rather blind, or at least jerking around too, so maybe he wanted to just keep up with the Johnsons ?

In an attempt to beat the truth out of Mathis, The Kids flew to Detroit to interview him. Unfortunately, the plane was shot down by locals near the city border, so this interview had to take place in nearby Dearborn.

The Kids Don’t Get It Interview Detroit Public School President Mathis

The Kids: Dirty Prez Mathis, thanks for the interview.

Mathis: My pleasure. And thank you for giving me a chance to clear my pipes, I mean clear the air.

The Kids: Sure thing. Now, President Mathis, Detroit public schools are in bad, bad shape. Worse shape than, say, Rosie O’Donnell. You have a tight, tight budget–

Mathis: –yes.

The Kids: –schools with gaping holes–

Mathis:–yes, yes–

The Kids:–in the walls, school restrooms with floors so wet–

Mathis (eyes closed now):–yes, yes, yes, how wet are they? how wet are they?

The Kids: …well according to one report, Sup. Gueyser slipped and split her skirt–

Mathis: yesyesyesyesyes

The Kids:–I mean the list goes on. Dirty halls, dirty windows, loose–

Mathis: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes

The Kids:–standards for hiring teachers, I mean, Mr. Mathis, teachers are afraid to open their mouths about this so everyone’s lips are sealed tight, but I think it’s time you got off your

Mathis: yesyesyesyesohgodohgod

The Kids:–ass and did something, sir. I mean realy, let’s stop beating around the bush here–

Mathis: ok, shutupshutupshutupstop….mmm, sleepy….

The Kids: well, it seems you’ve got a real mess on your hands, Mr. Mathis.

Needless to say, I let myself out after that interview.

In his defense–and no, I don’t mean what fellow board member Reverend David Murray offered in Mathis’ defense (“It happens to a lot of young men. They engage in behavior they feel is harmless and it’s offensive to certain people…. It could be deemed offensive, but some women are more sensitive to those types of things than others….I feel bad for him because he probably felt that it was something she would probably like or she got humor out of it.”, further proof that the lord does indeed work in strange ways–Mathis was merely solidifying Detroit’s spot in the Inner Circle composed of New York, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., New Orleans, Houston, Los Angeles, Vegas and the Twin Cities–all together performing a rather firm circle jerk in urban schooling.

I mean for fuck’s sake it’s times like this we ask ourselves What Would Mr. Belding Do? Or at least Jaleesa on A Different World.

Pass the lotion, huh?


1 Comment

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One response to “Judge Mathis

  1. Gridlock

    The final line of the article is quite a tease as well: “Earlier this spring, Mathis’ substandard writing skills gained national attention when The Detroit News highlighted e-mails sent to his colleagues.” I guess the moral is: if you can’t join the literary crowd, beat it.

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