The Boy Who Would Be King

Ah, the 21st century. A place where the iPad, digital cable and Lady Gaga have somehow convinced millions, nay, gillions, that somehow Life Is Different And Better.

Even Lady Gaga was believed to be the Next Jordan at one point.

But really, strip all the gadgets (is there anything dumber than buying Apple’s first line, intentionally built-with-bugs products the first time they’re released?), gross shows and Gagas away and you’re left with the same core dilemmas that everyone’s always faced:

Men always want to know if there’s more to it all.

Women always want to know if they can have it all.

And minorities always want to know if they can even get a f-ckin’ piece.

Perhaps best exemplifying points #1 and #3, this Thursday marks the opening of the NBA’s free agency period, and all eyes are on Lebron “my name means either ‘NBA ball player’ or ‘Inmate No. 346657’ ” James, the latest, greatest prize-pig to be had in the league.

A contract, a contract, my kingdom for a contract!

You’ve no doubt heard of Lebron James at this point; he’s the nail-biting, puppet-appearing, uber-ballplayer with gaudier stats than NYSE, that’s built like Karl Malone, but chokes more than Jenna Jameson.

Yet, his lack of championship wins is irrelevant because of the whole Oh My God He Dunks So F-cking Hard I Question My Sexual Orientation angle that puts a lot of butts in the seats in arenas around the country, so naturally, he’s the most sought-after free agent. Joining him in the free agency market will be Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Chris Bosh and Amare Stoudemire.

So July 1st’s a big day, followed by the biggest patriotic holiday 3 days later.

I mean, what better way to head into Independence Day than celebrating the latest successful bidding on young black bucks with the most promising physical prowess, “killer instinct” and all the other adjectives once used to describe the likes of everyone from Bo Jackson to OJ Simpson?

July 1, 2010 free agent bidding begins for the NBA

But the big question on everyone’s lips is: where will Lebron James actually sign to play for the next few years?

The possible winners include New York Knicks, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls. Oh yeah, and the Cleveland Cavaliers, James’ current team. What would you do if you were Lebron?

New York Knicks:

"It wasn't ME! It was him, Luigi! It's-a always the Luigi and the Mario!"

What the City Has to Offer (pros): bright lights, Spike Lee’s goatee, celebrity sightings, head coach Mike D’Antoni, who looks like Wario from Mario Kart Racing

What the City Has to Offer (cons): celebrity sightings might include Sarah Jessica “I was a face double for the Black Stallion” Parker, “To Catch a Woody” Allen. Urine soaked subway seats. “Broadway hopefuls”.

Miami Heat:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): The two key smoking Cubans: cigars, women. T-mobile ads. Thongs. “Pros”. Playing “my lips or Bubble Yum?” with Dwyane Wade.

Bubble Yum or my lips? Guess!

What the City Has to Offer (cons): immigration. Scarface’s Friday Night Coke Parties. T-mobile ads. Elian Gonzalez t-shirts. Gloria Estefan crashing the Miami Sound Machine all over South Beach.

Chicago Bulls:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): deep dish pizza, Derrick Rose (Bulls’ PG), eating Fruit Loops with Joakim Noah, wind

What the City Has to Offer (cons): winter, Michael Jordan’s Shadow beating you in practice, deep dish pizza obesity, errant passes from Jay Cutler hitting bystanders

Cleveland Cavaliers:

What the City Has to Offer (pros): Drew Carey and street copies of Witness: The Lebron James’ Mother Sex Tape. The first Cheesecake Factory they opened in town. Shaq’s googly eyes.

What the City Has to Offer (cons): Cleveland. Watching Shaq’s skin slowly sweat buckets of Popeye’s Chicken. Copies of the Delonte West/Lebron James’ Mother sex-tape playing in every Hooters, Dave & Buster’s and the Cavs’ locker room. Cleveland.

So, much like NBA speculation has already predicted/reported, James’ options really come down to two cities: Miami and Chicago. After all, a bad pass from Jay Cutler hitting your mom in the face is a lot better than a good pass from Delonte West hitting your mom in the face, if you catch my drift.

So in a matter of hours, Lebron James will have to decide what matters most:

  • (more) Money?
  • Legacy?
  • (more) Fame?
  • his mother’s love canal?

Boston Celtics check out latest free agents.

It could be one, it could be some, it could well be all of the above. Again, the more things change, the more they stay the same, so conventional wisdom suggests that James, as a minority (want #3 listed at the beginning of this post) and a male (want #1), he’s going to not only want more, but make sure he’s getting a piece of the action.

Just be careful what you wish for, buck.


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