Li-Lo in Stitches

Surprisingly, not her mom pictured here, it's actually Lindsay.

Typically if you search on the internets using the terms “Lindsay Lohan nails” you’d get a veritable Google* of results that would probably be composed of Lindsay (affectionately referred to by the people of E!, US Weekly, People and celeb-chat losers as “Li-Lo”) copulating with everyone from Gerard Butler, Wilmer Valderamma, Heath Ledger, Jared Leto and most recently Samantha Ronson and Animal from the Muppets.

According to one website, Li-Lo’s been with roughly 39 celebrities since coming to H’wood, meaning at this point more celebrities have been in Lohan than this week’s Entertainment Weekly.

Li-Lo represents herself in court. Part of her defense? Wearing Heather Locklear's pants suit.

At this point it’s safer to say that Lindsay’s vagina will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before she does.

Anyway, Lindsay’s making the latest news because of her current bout with alcohol, drugs and Lohanness.

So let’s role play a bit (I know some of you are into that sort of thing, so don’t go reaching for your Comic Sans font in a tizzy):

You’re Lindsay Lohan.

You’re rich, young and attractive in that this-is-me-right-before-I-bottom-out-on-crystal-meth-and-horse-pills sort of way. It’s haute-cute.

And now, because you’ve enjoyed a string of months, years even of trying to outdo Halle Berry, Mel Gibson and Rodney King on the Poor Drivers list, you’ve ended up in court. At this point, you’ve even offered the judge some blow (cocaine, job) in order to get out of it, but alas, this one’s out to make a famous judge out of her name, like Ito, Judy, and Reinhold.

So, you’re stuck.

What’s a tramp to do?

(at this point you may choose to play “I’m a horny celeb stuck in jail, save me Mr/Ms Jailer” with your spouse, which is fine just make sure you come back when you’re done in 10mins to read the rest of this)

Li-Lo exits court after spending a day recounting her "Samantha Ronson episodes"

Well, if you’re the real Li-Lo, you’re not doing anything sensible like hiring a credible lawyer or wearing conservative clothing to court, or even brushing the meth-stains off your teeth. Why should you? You feminine wash with Stellas at this point, what’s Lever 2000 going to get done?

Like my mom used to say, “remember; God stones tramps”. And with that, I was off to kindergarten.

But oh, oh if only Li-Lo had my mom for a mom. For starters, she’d be black, which would be cool, because after Whitney finally went cold-Bobby a few months ago, we’re tragically short on headline-worthy crazy black folk–unless you watch the evening news. But those guys are Nameless and Faceless and not the kind that, say, you’d think about running away with or want to have over your place for fajitas, or maybe you do because, hey, you watched The Wire, and Stringer Bell is sorta magnetic.

But no way would Mama Kids approve of Li-Lo’s nailware. While in court having her future* decided for her, Lohan decided to go low-hand by having tattooed finger nails read the ever-pliable phrase: “F-ck you”.

Now granted, there are several plausible reasons such a phrase would appear on her nails. Let’s examine them.

The Kids Don’t Get It Explains Lindsay Lohan’s “F-ck U” Message

  • Cultural: Technically, the nail reads “F*ck u”, which could possibly represent one of those always new celeb religious/diet/yoga trends, like Kaballah or adopting black babies. Maybe Fucku is some sort of church she belongs to? I guess I’m just saying stop being so ignorant, guys.

    e-Harmony profile pic

  • Romantic Courtship: Maybe “F-ck U” is short-hand for picking people up? Y’know instead of using something practical like “talking” or even cyber-kinky stuff like e-Harmony (“I’m into snorting coke off of Paris’ belly and stuff in Africa”). Maybe after getting her a drink at the bar (“can I buy you a tequila shot to take off my taint?”) she has nails with the options “Date U”, “Like U”, “Who R U?”, “Stab U” and “F-ck U” that she uses to communicate with? I think it’s rather brilliant; 80% of our true impressions are expressed via body language anyway.
  • Membership: Or maybe she’s a part of some sort of hate group? Like how white supremacists have things like “Hate”, “White Power”, or “McCain ’08” on their knuckles, y’know? Girl’s gotta be able to stand for something, right? Is that’s what we always want for our celebrities and children’s role models, innit? Standing for things proper and having smart-ass fashion sense. That’s what those (red) t-shirts were about after all, innit?

At the end of the day though, it doesn’t really matter anyway: we all know now that the judge sentenced Lindsay to 90 days in prison. The only stars that ever serve a full term are those hot chicks in those Caged Heat movies, and even they have the pleasure of showering with each other and having busty wardens.

Way I figure it, the Judge will grant leniency by reducing the time served based on the following:

  • Sleeping with Samantha Ronson: -14 days
  • Dealing with Cougar Mama Lohan and I Was a Trailer Park Porn Director Daddy Lohan: -25 days

    Pictured (l-r): Traci Lords; Scary Spice; Queen Latifah; one of the girls from 'Girlfriends'; Khloe Khardasian; Dana Plato; Tiffani Amber-Thiessen; Cecily Tyson. Not pictured: Lindsay Lohan.

  • Making her record albums: +5 days
  • Having to make Georgia Rule with Felicity Huffman and Jane Fonda: -30 days
  • Making I Know Who Killed Me (where she plays a bipolar stripper; later to be recylced as Lindsay Lohan: This is me!): +3 days for fictional release.; -8 days for later reflecting life
  • Appearing on Project Runway with Heidi “I sleep with the Unmasked Phantom of the Opera” Klum: -15 days

= 6 days; just enough time to make Caged Heat 17: Li-Lo and the Po-Po

Hey; F-ck U, huh?

*coinging a new slang term: “Google”.

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