Killing Me Softly

If you haven’t heard, it’s been quite the biblical stretch:

When I checked my Mayan calendar (I got it during the time Nickelodeon was giving Maya the Bee calendars to every 5th caller one summer), it presaged the following:

  • Chelsea Clinton shall get married, which will beget
  • ….the state of California approving gay marriage, (history will call this the “Oprah, Gail King Bill”) which will beget today’s post:
  • …. Wyclef Jean running for president of Haiti

When I heard the news that Wyclef Jean had intentions to run for the presidential office of Haiti, I first had to Wikipedia Wyclef Jean to make sure that he was actually still alive.

He is; just turns out his career’s been dead for about 6 years.

If you didn’t already know, Wyclef is probably Haiti’s best-known talent; for perspective there was a time when New Jersey’s claim to fame was being the birthplace of Joe Piscopo, which is funny whether you know who he is or not.

I’m incredibly mystified by this decision, and somehow, in the deepest darkest corners of my mind, I secretly feel that I should blame Obama for inspiring a nation of people to think that little experience shouldn’t mean anything when it comes to big dreams.

But alas; Wyclef Jean?

When Anderson Cooper reached out to some people in Haiti for reactions to the Wyclef news, the only response he got was “Please, stop; we’re just getting back on our feet”.

Seems fair, right?

Well, it appears he’s not; the Haitian council ruled that Jean was ineligible to run based on the fact that Haitian law requires that candidates be a resident of Haiti for at least 5 years, and have been off Lauryn Hill’s tit for at least 1/2 that time.

What was once senseless bravado–he made the announcement that he was running on ‘Larry King Live’, a show that Jean apparently thinks Haitians watch when they’re not too busy playing Joe vs the Volcano back home–was quickly reduced to rubble by the council’s decision as legit candidates eventually surfaced.

This was an unfortunate turn of events since before the decision had arrived, Jean’s only opposition for office was the Earthquake and Marvel Comic’s Brother Voodoo, though both were leading Wyclef in Gallup polls:

Gallup Poll: Who Would You Vote For in the Upcoming Haiti Presidential Election?

  • Brother Voodoo (fictional superhero with voodoo-based powers): 35%
  • Black Panther (superhero king of fictional African kingdom): 31%
  • Haitian Earthquake (Mother Nature’s bastard child, demolished Haiti): 20%
  • Black panther (savage animal last scene in Janet Jackson video):  12%
  • Wyclef Jean (former Fugees group member last seen wrestling a black panther for money–owed to black panther): 2%

While most people who make shitty records but decide to run for Haitian president on a basis as seemingly scientific as iTunes sales would eventually understand that hey, maybe my dilapidated country doesn’t need my help, Wyclef Jean takes the fight to the streets of Twitter, apparently another bastion of Haitian communication:

“We have met all the requirements set by the laws. And the law must be Respected.” via Wyclef Jean Twitter

I’m guessing that “Respect” is capitalized because it’s probably also the name of his upcoming shitty album.

But then, is his dream really that insane? And aren’t we partially to blame?

We’ve already voted Arnold Schwarzen-N-word, Sonny Bono, Jesse Ventura, Al Franken and Bill Bradley into office over the years–a cast of name that seems more appropriate for Celebrity Apprentice than political office–so maybe Wyclef’s not so crazy.

I mean hell, if he can bring Lauryn Hill back, it’s worth it, right?


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2 responses to “Killing Me Softly

  1. Brian D

    Joe Piscopo (the b-list SNL actor, for the uninitiated) never ceases to amuse me. In the early 2000’s, he was hired to walk around the Izod center during Nets games to pump people up. He still walked around like a big star, even though 99% of the crowd had no idea who he was.

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