Alicia Keys: Octomom

Don't feed after midnight.

If you hadn’t heard by now, Alicia Keys, Grammy-award-winning music-harpy, is pregnant with Swizz Beatz’ (famed hip-hop producer that resembles something between Star Wars concept art and an Middle Eastern Pinocchio) baby.

Normally such news calls for congratulations and, if you have a Facebook account, an opportunity to do creepy shit like change your profile pic to your first sonogram.

But here at The Kids headquarters, I see it as just another attempt by Keys to get people to swoon over her.

First of all, it should be noted that Keys and Beats got together after Keys played an instrumental part in breaking up Swizz’s marriage.

Wait, that's not Alicia! Maybe....

According to reports, Keys and Beatz (I love going back and forth between calling him “Beatz” or “Swizz”) met while collaborating on some music, and during that time together, she apparently convinced Swizz that the screeching sound that he heard in the listening booth wasn’t (just) her singing voice but her Heart Singing too.

And apparently Keys dug Beatz’ swagger so much she let him stay over at some point, bang her Keys and see her minus the Proactiv, eventually getting knocked up. This will be Beatz’ 3rd or 4th child–ah, I can’t remember son, too busy countin’ these Swizz Beatz hits!–which just goes to show you that even in this day and age, at the end of the day, people are still using a Swizz Army Knife as their go-to tool.

...oops! Still not Alicia!

Unsurprisingly, people are all curious about the sex of the child, though I find myself much more worried what Keys will give birth to.

Let’s look at the likely outcomes of an Alicia Keys baby:

  • another “Empire State of Mind” or worse yet,
  • “Alicia Keys Discography”, but most likely,
  • “Godzilla”

BABY KEYS HATE THOUGHTFUL CRITICISM OF MOMMY'S MUSIC

That’s about it. That’s our choices. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t want to live in a world with Godzilla in it, and certainly don’t want one with “Empire State of Mind” in it.

What at least comforts me is knowing that a baby will pull Keys out of the spotlight at least through the larvae stage.

As for Swizz Beatz?

Well, if history’s any indication, he’s probably already making hits with Lady GaGa.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Alicia Keys: Octomom

  1. Terry

    Keys and Beatz sounds like the R&B answer to Hall & Oates.

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