Dr. Laura is one of those media “doctors” that I never believe is really a doctor.
In a pop culture universe littered with Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Oz and Dr. Doom, there’s no telling whether you’re getting advice on marriage, drug abuse or How To Kill That Meddlesome Fantastic Four!
Hell, I’m still locked up in litigation behind my suing Dr. J for all the heightening years I lost drinking Dr. Pepper because of his say-so as a “doctor” (and I’ll win dammit, I will).
So it’s of little surprise to me that Dr. Laura, one of those shrill talking heads that occasionally spawns other Talking Things like Anne C*nter Coulter and Glenn Beck from the recesses of her hate-box, completely lost her WebMd-ness on air the other day talking to a black female caller who was phoning in about her troubles with her white husband’s racist friends.
Instead of offering her usual “tough-talk” advice, Dr. Laura slipped on her finest white robes and said the following:
Black guys use it all the time. Turn on HBO and listen to a black comic, and all you hear is n****, n*****, n*****. I don’t get it. If anybody without enough melanin says it, it’s a horrible thing. But when black people say it, it’s affectionate. It’s very confusing.
The Kids Note: In case you’re wondering, the n***** does not stand for “nachos”, though black guys are pretty fond of nachos, and there was definitely at least one drunken night in College Park I ran through the streets yelling, “nacho, nachos, NACHOS“.
But she didn’t stop there. I mean, once you’ve opened Pandora’s Box and discovered there’s sins, Justin Beiber and some n***** in there, well, you can’t just sit there and try and put the lid back on, right? You got to let those n***** out! And so, that’s what Dr. Laura proceeded to do.
CALLER: Is it OK to say that word? Is it ever OK to say that word?
DR. LAURA: It depends how it’s said. Black guys talking to each other seem to think it’s ok.
CALLER: But you’re not black, they’re not black, my husband is white.
DR. LAURA: Oh, I see, so a word is restricted to race. Got it. Can’t do much about that.
CALLER: I can’t believe someone like you is on the radio spewing out the n***** word, and I hope everybody heard it.
DR. LAURA: I didn’t spew out the n***** word!
CALLER: You said “n*****, n*****, n*****” and I hope everybody heard it.
DR. LAURA: Yes they did, and I’ll say it again: n*****, n*****, n***** is what you hear on HBO.
DR. LAURA: Why don’t you let me finish a sentence? Don’t take things out of context. Don’t NAACP me, leave them in context.
Props to Dr. Laura for keeping her head on long enough to not only find about 8 more ways to use the N-word, but also, in perhaps a vain attempt to get some street-cred (’cause Dr. Laura knows that n****** love street-cred like it’s Capital One) she even found the time to coin a new slang phrase: “Don’t NAACP me”, which will now join “stop hatin’ ” and “do you” in the Oxford Dictionary lexicon of phrases.
Then, in a painful attempt to rectify the situation, Dr. Laura went on air to apologize for her tirade:
She then got on the air the next day to issue a painfully awkward apology:
“Yesterday, I did the wrong thing,” she said. “I didn’t intend to hurt people, but I did. And that makes it the wrong thing to have done. I was attempting to make a philosophical point, and I articulated the “n” word all the way out – more than one time. And that was wrong. I’ll say it again – that was wrong. I guess I didn’t realize n***** were so sensitive.”
Ok, ok, ok–I made the first 3-4 sentences up. Guilty.
But as if this circus of slurs wasn’t enough, who decides to come to her rescue?
Everyone’s favorite clueless aunt, Sarah Palin!
Palin issued the following on Twitter, most likely via one of those microphones that quadriplegics use to type since she’s illiterate:
Dr.Laura:don’t retreat…reload! (Steps aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t American,not fair”)
Dr.Laura=even more powerful & effective w/out the shackles, so watch out Constitutional obstructionists. And b thankful 4 her voice,America!
…..all of which sounds like the outtakes of Rush Limbaugh’s failed “Schoolhouse Rock” tapes.
So, at the end of the day, what do we learn?
- “Post-racial America” looks a lot like “Racial America”
- Sarah Palin is like the white conservatives’ Al Sharpton
- Dr. Laura should be really, really glad ‘Chappelle’s Show’ isn’t on anymore
- ….but ‘The Boondocks’ is still on TV
- ….and that she’s already dropped enough N-bombs to warrant 80% of a rap record
- Sarah Palin apparently outsources her Twitter account to 12 yr olds probably can’t spell