Category Archives: Celebrity Mugs

Worst Celebrity Faces: Cameron Diaz

Ok, so it’s been awhile. I know that. You know that. But you know what? Sometimes The Kids needs a break, and sometimes, it’s good to make you all miss this blog. It’s healthy. I want you to have it taken away from you and make you just go balls-ballistic when it comes back.

And so, we’re back.

Picking up where we left off, we’re midway through our entries of the worst celebrity faces in Hollywood. it’s a fact* that all of these faces were used as concept drawings for Where the Wild Things Are and Pokemon.

Bruce Jenner.

Goldie Hawn.

Maggie Gylennhaal.

LL Cool J.

Wendy Williams.

That’s a year’s worth of flaccidity right there alone. Time to push it to two.

Ladies and gentlemen: Cameron Diaz.

Worst Celebrity Faces #5: Cameron Diaz

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Craven

True story**: when New Line Cinema purchased the rights to make a movie adaptation of the Dark Horse comic book The Mask, they were prepared to spend around $20 million to make the film due to the extensive special effects and fugly creature face molding they’d have to pay someone for creating the Mask’s mask. But then, something happened during the casting call: Cameron Diaz. Her face alone saved the movie $2 million. As a matter of fact, they originally cast her to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey should it be discovered 8 years too soon that he actually isn’t funny. If you check the DVD director’s cut credits, you’ll actually see Diaz listed as “The Mask (stand-in)”. But yes; $2million saved. How? Well, they still hired her for the film, and once Cher learned they weren’t making a sequel to Mask, she backed out, leaving only Diaz. But this worked because in her first make-up session, they applied a plastic mold to her face, and quickly sent that to the SFX department with a message saying “Use this for Mask“. Presto! No need for computer-animation when you’ve got Cameron Diaz on set. This mold was later used for the Masters of the Universe film, Joan Rivers’ 8th face, Alien Resurrection and as Shaquille O’Neal’s decoy whenever he needed to distract paparazzi by leaving his house.

Ripped from the headlines!

Cameron Diaz, along with Maggie Gyllenhaal and one yet-to-be-named-face (maybe next entry?) make up 2/3’s of something I call the “Mug Carousel”. This will be explained later once it’s complete, like Voltron, and not prematurely discussed and given to you half-assed like our healthcare plan. Just know that they’re on there.

I know what some of you are thinking, “But Kids–Diaz is hot!”, and you’d be right, if you were into trannies. To me, Diaz looks like one of those “ripped from the headlines!” episodes of Law & Order–you know, the one where it’s revealed that guest star Ed O’Neill isn’t a mild-mannered father of two working at the local Shop N’ Save, but really a high food-chain Czech guy dealing in human trafficking. When the L&O detectives discover this and bust-up the orgy shop hidden behind the butcher section, the 3rd world pros strung-out back there in skimpy clothes and mouth sores always look like Cameron Diaz to me. I actually imagine that’s how she was discovered; she probably wandered onto the set of an L&O episode, mistook the hooker extras for real street girls and thought, “I’ll sleep here tonight…in America, girl sleep anywhere”….and was discovered by Sam Waterson. Something like that.

Let’s put it this way***: they decided to write-in the scene where Stiller’s spunk gets used as Diaz’s hair-gel in There’s Something About Mary because when Stiller first saw her, he actually tossed his nut-nectar in her face because he didn’t have holy water, which is what one normally uses when facing nosferatu. They also considered calling the movie There’s Something About Mary–Oh Wait, It’s That She’s Kinda Fugly.

Diaz in another sticky situation.

Hey; want something fun for Halloween next year? Go as Cameron Diaz! Just make her face and then wear short skirts and laugh constantly to distract people from the fact that secretly you shouldn’t be interacting with”surface people” (it worked on Timberlake). Here’s how to make her face:

  1. get silly putty and put it on your face
  2. imagine your mom doing porn
  3. hold that look of horror
  4. hold it
  5. hold it
  6. ok; now take off the putty
  7. place putty on a counter to cool
  8. call mother to apologize
  9. go back to putty and pick it up
  10. take it to bedroom
  11. fuck it
  12. rest
  13. fuck it again
  14. sloppily apply “Whore’s Cherry” red lipstick
  15. done!

Cameron Diaz folks: You don’t want to be In Her Shoes. Get it? It’s a movie, with her. I’m clever. And nauseated.

*not a fact

**not close to being a true story

***and by “let’s put it this way”, I mean, “here’s another lie”

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Worst Celebrity Faces: LL Cool J

Now that we’ve engorged ourselves on Iverson and Tiger, it’s time to return to our countdown of celebrity mugs. Be forewarned: this list will most likely get sidetracked again due to the following things happening in The Kids’ world:

  1. stomaching my way through Alicia Keys’ newest album to give it a review
  2. vomiting through nose, eyes and anus from looking at these celebrity facesLL's gotten in too deep. See that there? That's a play on words.
  3. reviewing Tiger Woods’ sex life

So, be ready. Hope you enjoyed the preview of things to come.

Anyway, so far we’ve looked at Goldie Hawn and Bruce Jenner–two faces used to create a composite sketch for “Gollum” in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And then we dove into the folds of puppet fabric that is Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face.

This time we’re Def Jam-ming this list with the inclusion of LL Cool J.

You know LL; he of the lip-licking raps, he of the rapper-turned-shit-movie-actor trend, he of the “let’s continue diarrhea-watering down network TV by creating a show starring LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell!”.

That LL Cool J.

Let’s have a look, shall we? We shall.

Worst Celebrity Faces #7: LL COOL J

One of my all-time favorite memories (besides seeing Salma Hayek in Desperado) was watching my best friend in HS–we’ll call him “Flash” for ID reasons–serenading the girl he loved (at the time, before he discovered porn days later) with a song in our school’s parking lot. In front of her boyfriend.

Anyway; the song?

“Hey Lover” by LL Cool J (feat. Boyz II Men).

At the time, I laughed. I mean, it was pretty fuggin’ funny. But I also, both then and now, respected the fact that he did that. He manned-up, did a man-thing (and at the tender age of 15!), and taught me something very valuable: LL Cool J songs can get you some play. Now, admittedly, Flash didn’t get the girl, but everyone there–the girl, her boyfriend, me, the school mascot, our boy “Dave” who later became a Taliban terrorist, even Flash himself–were all really impressed with experiencing that moment, and I’m willing to wager that everyone of us there has a soft spot for “Hey Lover” now, and, by extension, LL too.

I know how much he’s lingered in my own life; besides trying to recreate that moment myself with a girl in college (by crooning lines from “Momma Said Knock You Out”–didn’t work), and later, at my wedding reception, during the

Tonight's Iron Shark Secret Ingredient?: LL COOL JJJJJJJJJ!

Mother-Son dance, in the middle of “Rainbow Connection”, I caught Flash’s eye in the crowd and suddenly turned to the DJ and said, “Smurf this song; put on some LL Cool J” and–presto!–Mom and I slow-danced to “Doin’ It”. Worked too; my mom cried the whole time the song played.

Anyway, I mention all those moments because they were all about Saving Face; they were about retaining some semblance self, of dignity, of mother-son bonding.

And this is why LL’s face–literally and figuratively–has become so painful to look at. LL represents what’s gone wrong about the mainstream assimilation of hip-hop; I mean “Momma Said Knock You Out” used to be a manly growl, a predatory forwarning, an alert to someone that their ass was about to be handed to them in bite-sized pieces.

Now?

Now that song is comfortably sandwiched between Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “Redneck Woman” on “Karaoke Night!” at the local Applebee’s.

Now?

LL got into that Hollywood coke and started doing movies like Halloween H20 (LL battles Mike Meyers!), Deep Blue Sea (LL battles smart sharks! SMART SHARKS!), Charlie’s Angels (LL battles the 2/3 of the Mug Carousel*!) and S.W.A.T. (LL battles another movie with Sam Jackson!).

And then, after perhaps indulging himself on too much smart-shark meat, the once-chiseled LL began looking more like Biggie Smalls.

So he–I don’t care what anyone says–got ribs removed.

Somethin' like a phenomenom.

And then–and I don’t care what anyone says–he got his face done.

And now? Now LL looks like something akin to one of the Neville Brothers after a fire accident.

I mean, I get it; how many times can you spend your hip-hop nights parked in a dark SUV with DMX listening to him talk about how “…on the real? Prison love was the only love that loved me back, dog. Only that. It’s where I got “Ruff Ryders” from, dog! ARF! ARF!” before thinking, “maybe carving my face to look like a Daffy’s store mannequin and hanging with Chris O’Donnell ain’t so bad.”

Still, LL’s lost a lot of face. I don’t care how much he’s gained since by reversing the clock. I don’t care that thanks to Hydroxy Cut, Red Bull and a scalpel he looks like a well-fed Allen Iverson (when he wears a Kangol).

I miss “Round the Way Girl”.

I miss “Head Sprung”.

Hell I even miss “Fatty Girl”.

Come back to us, LL–DMX needs you.

*more on the Mug Carousel later

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Hello friends.

The Kids has returned to add another entry to “Celebrity Mugs”-a collection of the fearsome faces fugly-ing their way through Tinseltown. If you weren’t a believer in things that go bump in the night before, this list will make you one.

You can see the previous entries in the “Celebrity Mugs” category in the right-hand margin.

Have some more Sherry, Baby

I’d suggest having some Tums on hand, or maybe some ginger ale, or at least have your McAfee running since this carnival of faces is bound to make something upset.

But now, it’s time for our next entry.

I should note something on here, too: these entries have been assigned #’s, but they in no way actually refer to the pecking order of mug-ness–it’s just the order that I’ve done these. Well, aside from the person that will be #1, but if you read this blog or know me personally, there’s a good chance you can guess who’ll be occupying the #1 spot.

But getting there will be a lot of fun, so on with the trip, eh?

Worst Celebrity Faces #8: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal, big brother to Hollywood actor Jake “the Reese Witherspoon Snake” Gyllenhaal, is one of those actresses that people love to trumpet as “interesting looking” or “unique” or “dog-like” which are all sweet ways of saying “low self-esteem hook-up!”.

Why so serious?

When I first saw Maggie Gyllenhaal, it was back in the 2002-03 movie Secretary with her and James Spader playing a secretary and her boss engaged in a bizarre relationship that consisted of spanking and coffee. At first, when I read the movie description I thought “sweet; hello Friday night in!”, and promptly ordered a Papa John’s pizza, stripped down to my boxers (for extra chubby-air) and clicked out the lights. Once the movie started however, I quickly found myself flaccid and full of pepperoni pizza, convinced that I’d somehow missed the first 20mins of the movie that would explain how, when, and why someone had spanked the secretary’s face with what appeared to be a waffle-maker.

And then, when I went to see The Dark Knight in the theaters, it took me about 45mins to realize that Maggie G wasn’t the Joker, which was awkward after I had already leaned over to my wife and said knowingly, “I bet she turns out to be the Joker….or maybe Batman.” Want to know if you’re spending too much time in a dark cave with your manservant? When you surface and think, “I’m going to date the Penguin”. It didn’t help that the Maggie Gyllenhaal-Katie Holmes swap had a level of WTF-ery that I hadn’t experienced since they flipped Aunt Viv’s on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I remain convinced that on some level Batman (Bale) knew that Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart) was hotter.

Maggie’s face can best be described as “Jim Henson workshop concept art” and is probably best seen in movies like Labyrinth or that Garbage Pail Kids movie.

Things that would improve Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face:

  • a beard
  • breasts on her face
  • another waffle iron

    Hold still.

  • Extenze

It’d be the best episode of Dr. Beverly Hills 90210 ever.

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Goldie Hawn

Here we are at #9 on the latest, thrilling-est list from The Kids Don’t Get It.

Last week we started the list off with fugged-mug #10: the ghastly countenance of Bruce Jenner.

The plan was to submit another entry sooner, but constantly Googling and pasting Jenner’s aged-Ken-doll face all over my computer screen resulted in nightmarish dreams where I was strapped to a lab chair with Kim ‘dashian applying Jenner’s face to my own using her butt.

Bittersweet.

Banger Sister Goldie Hawn

Anyway, it took several days to shake that off, so Batman only knows how the rest of this list is going to impact me.

One must suffer for art I suppose.

Worst Celebrity Faces #9: Goldie Hawn

Kathleen Turner. Mimi Rogers. Goldie Hawn. That’s what my 80’s wet dreams looked like.

Kathleen Turner.

Mimi Rogers.

Goldie Hawn.

In true testimony to the time that was the 1980’s, there’s some real questionable taste there. And probably coke.

This list remained intact until several things happened:

  • Kathleen Turner’s voice only got huskier and dickly-er, eventually catching up with her physical appearance, a look that confirmed that she and Jamie Lee Curtis seemed to be drinking the same “DICK TO THE XXXXTREME” protein shakes. Seriously; nowadays she looks like Robert Downey’s older brother. This is the woman that did Romancing the Stone–yet ended-up being the World’s Hottest Voice-Over for the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? movie as Jessica Rabbit, the only cartoon character I’d consider let playing with my No. 2 pencil.
  • Mimi Rogers–well, actually, nothing bad really happened to Mimi Rogers (except, well, her consistently shit-awful movie choices), but soon the world introduced me to hotter, younger, bustier brunettes like Nigella Lawson and really, who can compete with Nigella????????

    Kurt Russell and Lady GaGa on the red carpet.

  • Goldie Hawn–oh. Oh. Oh. Goldie. I’m not quite sure what happened to GH; in movies like Private Benjamin and Wildcats she was probably the ultimate cute-hot combination. She was even still kinda cute-hot in Bird on a Wire with Mel “Screw Jews” Gibson. But then, well, she kinda disappeared from Hollywood relevancy until resurfacing with Susan Sarandon’s breasts in Banger Sisters which probably made less money than what http://www.bangbros.com (uh, I wouldn’t click that if I were you) makes in an hour. And then First Wives Club and–holy shit, I just Googled Hawn for some more info and just learned that she’s 64 years old.

I repeat: Goldie Hawn is 64 years old.

 

"Most people think we're sisters!"

But anyway–her face. Her Hollywood face.

Goldie’s face looks like it underwent a transformation that involved sitting in one of those military G-force flight simulators while being forced to watch daughter Kate Hudson’s movies.

The result? It’s like the old superstitious phrase, “step on a crack break your mother’s face”: the once-cute Private Benjamin would now have to pay someone (like say Kurt Russell) a lot of Benjamins in order to hit her private. I mean forget Banger Sisters; at this point I don’t think anyone would even bang’er face.

Maybe this is why Kate’s remained single for so long; usually a woman’s mother is a window into how the girl will look down the road.

It would appear that Kate’s window is going to remain shut for awhile.

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Bruce Jenner

This is the first entry into a fairly self-explanatory new category on The Kids.

Do we need much more introduction besides the title? Perhaps we do.

Basically, once again inspired by E! and their various combinations and assorted lists that they air whenever they’re not showing Ryan Seacrest doing something Seacrest-y on there, they play programs like “Hollywood’s 30 Hottest Bodies” or “Tinseltown’s 18 Loosest Vaginas” or “10 Black Actors You’ll Never See Again”.

Something like that.

Anyway, because they do such kewl lists, I thought it was high-time for me to enter my own lists. I started and completed one already–check out “15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies” sometime when you should be working or talking things through with your sig other. Or you can also check out the thus-far-one-entry “Worst Pop Culture Jobs” which is coincidentally also E!-related.

So anyway; yes.

Worst.

Celebrity.

Faces.

We’re going to take a look at the collection of the most famous fugged mugs that the shiny lights, camera and action has to offer.

And we’re starting with an Olympian who’s probably seen Kim Kardashian’s butt at least once, which should have the Medusa effect on any man: hard as stone.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Bruce Jenner.

Worst Celebrity Faces #10: Bruce Jenner

You know, before Keeping Khlamydia with the Kardashians, Bruce Jenner’s name rang familiar in the same “eh, I think I’ve heard of him” sort of way that I often have when people talk about people that are famous for doing stuff that I’m not entirely clear on what they did, like Alan Greenspan or Jesus.

Anyway, from what I understand, Bruce Jenner was a two-time gold-winner in the Olympic decathlon. I’m too tired to look that up to get into “specifics” so let’s just assume it’s a video game, which would make sense because, according to Wikipedia, he won by scoring a record 8,634 points playing the Decathlon. Look; I’ve been playing video games for years–I think I can top this record just by playing Ms. Pacman.

So, after winning The Decathlon (on only 2 quarters!! Boss.), Jenner apparently disappeared for a number of years before finally resurfacing on stoopid reality shows like The Weakest Link and The Apprentice during the early ’00’s.

I’m not sure at what point he decided his face was getting too agey, but it’s painfully clear now that at some point Jenner said, “if I’m going to appear in front of the cameras again, I’d best look androgynous.”

I mean really; Bruce Jenner used to be a pretty good-lookin’ guy. Take a look:

Not bad, right? He’s got that sort of sweet, collegial Law & Order/Kennedy prep-school-sex-offender-looks to him. I mean hey, I’d do him. Even let him wear his medals and shit. Bet his decathlon’s big, too.

But then, at some point he clearly said to himself, “I need to scare the Smurf out of people”  and so, went to a doctor and said:

“Make me look beautiful.”

Unfortunately he apparently had The Simpson’s “Dr. Nick” perform the surgery: instead of restoring his youthful appearance , what he got instead was a face eerily akin to Walter Mercado, the tranny psychic on Telemundo.

I mean really, at this point Jenner doesn’t even look human; he looks like some mad scientist found a way to animate the Bruce Jenner wax figure at Madame Tussauds (he’s got one, right Rob?) sent to run treadmills and face-Smurf wife Kris Jenner.

You can imagine Kris Jenner’s surprise when she came home from shooting MILF sex films in Jacinto Valley (#14 on the Tinseltown Loosest Vaginas List) to find Bruce’s face frozen into that stupid grin.

As a result, I keep watching Keeping Khlamydia…. for the following reasons:

  1. to watch the eventual crash and burn of Chunky ‘Dash’s (Khloe Kardashian) marriage to Lamar Odom
  2. to watch the daily struggle of the youngest Kardashian girl trying not give in to all the slut vibes her mom and sisters are tossing around the house
  3. for Bruce Jenner to find his Vader helmet
  4. the night that Rob Kardashian learns he’s adopted, and then spends the season trying to bang older sis Kim
  5. for the 5th season finale where Bruce Jenner and Walter Mercado get surgically joined a la Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear so they can do the movie Stuck on Tu

Should be good, yeah? Next up: with #9, the list gets Golden.

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