Category Archives: Celebrity-Twitters

Celebrity-Twitters: I Love This Game!

It’s been a looooong time since we’ve visited the land of celebrity-Twitter. We sure had some good laughs in the past though, didn’t we? What, with all the Amy Winehouse-ness hilarity, the Uncle Joe Biden craziness and good ol’ Brad “I swear I’m not really a monkey” Pitt, too.

Well, this time The Kids are dropping in on the sports world, courtesy of the NBA.

Have you ever wondered what’s on Lebron James’ mind (answer: nothing)? or Kobe Bryant’s (answer: whitechicksinahotelwhitechickshoteli’minlovewithshaqwhitechicksinahotelwhitechicksnahoteli)?

Too bad. In the land of Twitter, only one NBA star reigns supreme, and that man is:

83008110BC527_ALLSTAR_SAT

Robinson has ball-handling skills, but struggles handling the law

Nate Robinson!

Don’t know who he is? Nate Robinson, at 5-foot-7, is originally one of the Doozers from Fraggle Rock. One day he picked up a basketball, caught the eye of David “Emperor Palpatine” Stern and was given a Knicks jersey. He’s spent his time on the New York Knicks being cheered in the same way crowds cheer when they bring blind or sick kids out at 1/2 time to attempt 1/2 court shots and fire-eating.

Anyway, most recently, Nate Robinson was arrested in the NYC-area for suspended license, which is code for “DUITBCYR&BYWGA” (“driving under the influence that because you’re rich and black you won’t get arrested”).

What happened next though, is something that’s becoming a celebrity-phenomenon in the Twitter world. It started with Lindsay Lohan’s morning Tweet of “8:45am snorting coke off of mom’s breast as i type–i love brkfst!” and most recently Brad Pitt’s mid-sex Tweet of “7:45pm Angie just asked Maddox to put down the camera and grab daddy’s butt plugs”.

Celebs are now Tweeting at the most inappropriate times. And so, in that tradition, Nate Robinson Tweeted during his actual arrest.

And The Kids has the transcript.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: The NBA: I love this ga–DON’T TASE ME BRO!

11:47pm: just left the club and we rollin’ out this biiiitch. headed to pancake house to talk about starring in the latest sequel to friday

11:49pm me and boy watching 27 Dresses in my steering wheel dvd player but i have the volume low b/c  i’m desig driver 2nite.

11:55pm at red light, crying over 27 Dresses. how can a 21st cent woman have it all in a world that still demands that she be a young sexy creature and a mature professional sophisticate that doesn’t buy into 20th century gender roles that uses traditional marriage to create her feminism? it’s unfair, yo27-dresses-poster

12:03am still crying

12:05am police sirens we’re getting pulled over

12:06am eating weed b4 cop gets here

12:07am cops just asked why me and my boy were cryin uh maybe b/c of kath heigl?

12:08am cops askin for ID so i “accidentally” pull out my nba contract i thnk we;ll make our 1230 reserv at pancake house

12:09am officer reading contract…says i look more like a pop warner player cop pulled over

12:10am proving i’m a nyk-er…calling up stephon marbury on my cell….

12:13am handed cell to officer…..steph’s yellin something to cop…

12:15am i just been arrested …and tasered me in face….just pulled me out of my nba regulation car seat…laffing at me b/c of my shoe lifts..fck him

12:21am tased again

12:24am someone call spike lee plz…just peed on myself

12:50am in cell with plax burress…..pacman jones…and bark-bark the aryan power dog…..

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Celebrity Twitter #4: Break-ups, it’s the Pitts!

In the past, my supreme hacking skills has enabled The Kids…to deliver you some high-quality Twittering from the likes of “Uncle” Joe Biden, Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie.

Today, we’re proud to bring you the next installment: Brad Pitt.

Monkey see, monkey do

Monkey see, monkey do

You know Brad. We all feel like know Brad too, don’t we?

Brad Pitt, of Hollywood fame, has it all: great movies, a Hollywood/magazine-cover-ready body, a big monkey face perfect for a revamp of Planet of the Apes, an assortment of Pygmy/aboriginal children from exotic locales and a partner who resembles a BJ-lovin’ praying mantis.

What more could he ask for? Well, maybe for those pesky break-up rumors to go away. But other than that, what to get the man that has everything? Besides opposable thumbs that is. Why a broadcast of his Twitter on The Kids.. of course!

Let’s do the damn thing. This jawn is gonna be hot.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Brad Pitt’s Twitter (permission granted by A. Jolie):

11:54am: hey out there folks. just got in from japan with a malaysian baby i got on the black market for madonna’s birthday. can’t remember if she’s got one already. fingers crossed, though!

12:04pm: as some of you know, i’m an architect on the side. i love to build houses and tear down women. anyway, creating a new work-out room for angie and i. angie insists i call her “angie” in public since she thinks it makes us look for wholesome and cute and her less “conniving and whoresome”. hi angie!

12:17pm: this new workout room’s coming together like a charm! it’s practically building itself, and by “practically building itself” i mean maddox, pax and zahara are putting it together. i really suggest getting these kinds of kids. they have lean ropey muscles perfect for hammering, lifting and massaging, and when you tire of them, you can

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

drop them off in south central or chinatown. save darfur.

12:32pm: watching friends. shh.

1:05pm: that was fun! be back in a bit, gotta get tissues or a towel.

1:22pm: just rented out the mann chinese theatre for a joint b’day party with the pitt-jolie kids and all of madonna’s adopted kids. we’re calling it 12 monkeys day. we’re going to have emilio estevez making balloon animals (he needs the work), a giant ball pen, a llama and salma hayek breast-feeding. tried to book the black eyed peas too, but their manager said they’ve already sold out. oh well.

1:33pm: man, i’m hungry but the fridge is like 14 feet away from here (rough architect estimation) where’s good help when you need it? oh right, building the workout room

1:55pm: folks, i gotta tell you; on days like this, i like to just sit on my couch and just meditate about all the things in life. like the importance of love, and building over-priced unaffordable homes for poor black people in new orleans. they need it. and ask myself the important questions like: should i have played benjamin buttons gayer so i could’ve beaten penn for milk? we’re about to shoot ocean’s 27: more man-love. should we stop congratulating ourselves at ocean’s 28 or 29? and is it ok if your partner likes you to call her your ex’s name when you’re making love? or if she calls you your ex’s name instead?

2:15pm: medicine time! time to take my mandatory sip from billy bob’s blood chalice. angie says it keeps me young and submissive. it’s in a vial marked “monster’s balls”. cute, angie!

2:20pm: want to continue my years-long design for the tsunami-sumatra folks. it’s a town that uses an elaborate water-slide instead of streets. almost done, but medicine made me so sleepy….

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

2:55pm: passed out after taking medicine. i think maddox and pax have taken my wallet.

3:10pm: found wallet. whew. now gotta pick a movie for tonight. angie wants to stay in. gotta pick something good. suggestions?

3:12pm: people have suggested twilight, quantum of solace and marley & me. can’t do twilight; angie finds any movie about the undead wooing an innocent “too autobiographical”, and when we watched marley & me last week, angie was confused because she couldn’t figure out “which one was the dog”. i’d pick quantum but i’m pretty sure she’s f-cked everyone in that cast. looks like we’re watching deliverance again.

3:29pm: pax just walked in complaining that he’s hot, tired and has been “hawucinating” because of the paint thinner in the workout room. kids are so cute. really folks, get some of these lil’ buggers. but get them outside the states, and make sure they’re organically-fed orphans. we buy everything organic: chicken, beef and brown orphans. end apartheid.

3:47pm: ok, time to go: angie’s coffin is stirring so she’s going to get up soon. be back later! watch ocean’s 14 coming to a theatre near you soon!

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The Kids….are just Biden time on Twitter

Uh-oh. I’m looking at my Rol-y and it’s about that time, for Uncle Joe Biden to drop some lines.

I’ve reported in the past on the Twitter-ings of Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie, but this week we’re checking in on everyone’s favorite drunken uncle–Uncle Joe Biden!

I was only somewhat shocked to learn that Uncle Joe had a Twitter account; after all, I always imagine that Uncle Joe spends most cabinet meetings with his feet propped-up on the table, eating Twizzlers and launching NERF missiles at Rahm.

Something like that.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to share with you the latest Twitter-ings of Joe Biden, V.P. of the U.S.A. and Chair of the White House No Sissies Club.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Uncle Joe.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: SAY UNCLE!

11:14pm: HOT JAM ON TOAST I’M V.P. HALLELUJAH FALLUJAH THIS IS SWEET

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

11:17pm: NO REALLY I DONT THINK YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS JOB IS FRIGGIN’ SWEET. I JUST HAD CAP’N CRUNCH IN THE OVAL OFFICE. CAP’N CRUNCH! THEY DONT EVEN MAKE THAT CEREAL ANYMORE BUT I SAID DAMN I WANT SOME CAP’N CRUNCH AND-SHAZAM!-SOMEONE BRINGS ME CAPN CRUNCH LOVE THIS JOB THANK YOU DELAWARE

11:24pm: SO BARACKY’S ALL UPSET ABOUT THAT ASSHAT SISSIE ASKING ABOUT OUR PROGRESS LAST NIGHT. SISSIE. I SAYS TO BARACKY I SAYS TO HIM U WANT THAT I PUT THAT JAG-OFF IN A HEADLOCK BOSS? AND HE’S ALL NO NO JOE WE CANT HAVE THAT BUT I SAY BALONEY TO THAT BALONEY SO I’M GETTING HIM ANYWAY I’M WAITING IN HIS BUSHES NOW

11:34pm STILL WAITING IN BUSHES JUST PEED ON HIS DOG REMINDER AMERICANS: CURB YOUR DOGS

11:45pm: GOT’IM. HE’S IN A SACK OVER MY SHOULDER CRYIN

12:00am: ei549wij4n5lkm70s9-ids49w-4jjgsmbs=-0vini3q93-v8a0an3-q9z797363ob2b66n20aann80afn80-283q535onanfan.n.n2–8ina3qp0a==kafmn931-9-gngamapntwog48wq3i5on4-95-9nsn3qn35/sg-g9-=awa924no

12:02am: KNOW WHAT THAT WAS? THAT WAS ME BANGING THAT SISSIE’S FACE ON MY KEYBOARD. I LEARNED’IM, I LEARNED’IM REAL GOOD MESS WITH BARACKY U GET THE BIDEN BULLRUSH

12:15am: HAD SECRET SERV DROP WHINY BOY OFF AT HOME AGAIN. WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW; CONVINCED BOSSMAN THAT WE NEED AN X-FILES OFFICE SO BARACKY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF A COMMISSION INVESTIGATING ZOMBIE ATTAX. THEY EAT BRAINS YOU KNOW. CRAZY!

6:05am: FELL ASLEEP WATCHIN’ THE WATCHMEN IN TEH OVAL OFFICE. AWESOME MOVIE. IT’S GOT A HUGE BLUE GUY NAKED WITH A BIG WEINER. WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

JOE BIDEN DOES!

7:11am: JUST HAD PIZZA FOR BFAST BEST JOB EVER

7:14am: JUST SCHEDULED TO DO AN INTERVIEW WITH CONNIE CHUNG FOR MSNBC. CANT WAIT GOING TO GET TO USE MY LINE ON HER: SO WHAT’RE YOU DOING TONITE CONNIE? NOTHING, HUH? HOW ABOUT U LET ME WANG-CHUNG TONITE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEWT LOVES THAT JOKE

8:44am: BIG MEETING TO TALK ABOUT STIMULUS PACKAGE AND RECESSION SOLUTIONS. MY SUGGESTION TO THE COMMITTEE? PUT A RING ON IT! GET IT? BEYONCE SONG

8:57am ON MY WAY UP CAPITOL HILL TO MEETING. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED THAT I SAID TODAY IS ‘FUNNY HAT DAY’. I HAVE A VIKING HAT

9:07am: ME BARACKY AND DOUBLE-D’S-PELOSI ARE ALL SITTIN TOGETHER. I LVE THIS IT’S LIKE WE’RE THE AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES. SHE’S SIMON BARACKY’S PAULA AND I’M RANDY. LET’S DO THIS MEETING DOGS!

9:08am: BORING MEETING. DRAW FUNNY PICTURES OF NANCY AND HILLARY HUGGIN AND KISSIN EACH OTHER PELOSI’S SAYING ‘UR SO HOT’ TO HILLARY AND I GOT HILLARY SAYING ‘OOH BABY BABY’. HIL’S WEARIN A SOMBRERO I LOVE CARTOONS READ PEANUTS SAVE OUR

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

NEWSPAPERS

9:10am JSUT SHOWED YM CARTOON TO BARACKY. EVEN HE SMILED AT IT A BIT. LIL’ DEVIL. I’M GETTIN HIM SOME KOOL-AID AND PUDDING FOR LUNCH. MAYBE A LUNCHABLE TOO.

MAYBE!

9:12am: BORING MEETING PLAYING WII BOWLING BARACKY SENT ME OUT TIL IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DO MY ZOMBIE REPORT. I BROUGHT A BAGGIE FULL OF GRAPE JELLY AND HAM TO SMEAR ON MY FACE TO HELP CONVINCE THEM THE ZOMBIE THREAT IS REAL

9:57am GOT BORED SO I JUST WALKED IN THE MIDDLE OF STIMULUS MEETING IN FULL ZOMBIE MAKE’UP AND SAID ‘I AM HERE TO EAT UR BRAINS AND CONSTITUTION’ EVERYONE’S SCREAMIN AND RUNNIG NOW. ZOMBIES ARE REAL TO THEM NOW. VALIDATED. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

10:15am: I GOT A SHIPMENT OF YOO-HOO COMING IN FOR THIS WEEKEND’S SLEEPOVER AT TEH V.P. CRIB. CATCH YA LATER TWITTERS. AND IF YOU SEE ANY ZOMBIES YOU PUNCH’EM IN THE GUT AND TELL’EM UNCLE JOE SAYS HI. JUST MAKE SURE U’VE GOT A BASEBALL CAP ON OR THEY’LL BITE UR BRAINS. OR, PUT A RING ON IT! BEYONCE SONG

BYE!

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Twit(ter) and Shout!: It’s Amy

So, thanks to our extensive neworking and hacking abilities, The Kids…already brought you the Twitter transcript from Angelina “I came from Atlantis” Jolie, and so we’re continuing our exclusive Twitter-ing by bringing you another installment.amy-winehouse

A few weeks ago, Britain’s favoritest disease since the Black Death and Madonna, Amy Winehouse, was seen saving a woman’s life in St. Lucia after the woman nearly drowned in the ocean.

Then, not too long after that,Winehouse had her home broken into–most likely the woman whose life she saved was looking for some sort of antidote after receiving mouth-to-mouth from Amy Winehouse.

So anyway, with this flurry of activity around her life–she’s also recently been arrested for assaulting a fan in 2008–I thought it was prime-time (and fodder) to pull her Twitter transcripts and see what’s what with the strung-out songbird.

Enjoy!

amy-winehouse1

Me f*cking smile.

(please note that all pictures, picture commentary and text were provided by Ms. Winehouse)

7:44am: BLAAGGGGHHHH! BUGS ARE ON ME TITTIES BUGS ARE ON ME TITTIES SOME1 GET THE F*CKIN POLICE HERE, WOT

7:58am: so srry bout all that, luvs i was havn’ me a nightmares and wot and thoughts there were bugs on me nippers sorry bout that

8:14am: twping wit me ryght fut beucuz i’m sh0tin some eroin into me left foot i am so hi

8:15am: purple

8:18am: so you ‘eard bout this sot-cow that i nickered from the waters in lucia and wot, right? the one i gave the mouth bizness to right? turns out she ‘ s claimin i given the old bird the clap she is fat chanc thar i say sine i only got ‘rhea…adn the herpes and wot

8:22am:………………………………………………………………………………………………..awteyj5teje9e55w-3jq39fca9-28BUUOI[9-4=0YJ4B 3O03=

Me f*cking house.

Me f*cking house.

8:37am: hey now wot, wot? fell a’sleep at teh f*ckin laptop peed myself

9:00am: srry dispeared luvs had to mop up pee wit me hubby’s face fer a bit,

9:02am banginajonasbrotherwhile im typin this isfun tkae that miley you bloody muppet-faced wank-yank

9:02:27(secs)am: lil jonas bro is a’ready all done he is cryin into his mouse ears poor thing

9:03am: WOTWOTWOTTHISAINTAJONASTHIS IS MILEY MUPPETFACECYRUS

9:05am: lookin’ like mc wants to pay so’s i keep me yapper tight about our lil’ bang-bang so shh me lovelys shh

10:00am: off to get a new tattoo…this one’s going on me cunny…’s going to ” ‘allo world this is me wine amyhouse’s cunny mile jonas has been here” and wot

Me f*cking pup, Miley.

Me f*cking pup, Miley.

11:55am: yeah i’m back f*ckin’ wanker tattooman said some right down right meanness to me about me ladt bits so’s i bit’im and now he’s got the erpes and now me bits only says “cunny mile” but tht’s ok ‘cuz

12:00pm: lunch time yay crack! gotta go loveys….whitney and me are gooing to munch


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The Kids….is all a’Twitter

Twitter is a social-texting site that allows people to give constant real-time updates about what’s going on in their lives at every. given. moment.

You know those idiotic, mundane status updates you see on Facebook all the time? With Twitter, you can tell your friends, “Going to eat soup now”…..”Pee still burning”…..”Just watched ‘Judge Judy'”……”Think I either have the clap or I’m pregnant. Let’s clap if I’ve got the clap”…..”meeting with parole officer, then lunch with mom” all the time, any time during the day.

So needless to say, I’ve avoided this latest trend. To be honest, gleefully including myself on this list, most people just aren’t that interesting. I hate to break it to some of you, but you aren’t. Not enough to warrant constant streaming of your thoughts and activities.

It’s the same reason why I’d never do one myself (though I had the idea of using Twitter to do a special The Kids….real-time report on The Oscars…), because it’d more than likely look like this:

  • 8:08am SH*T I AM SO LATE FOR WORK I DON’T HAVE TIME TO FUCKING TWITTER U TWITS
  • 8:15am taking a dump, reading Calvin and Hobbes
  • 8:35am still taking a dump, reading X-Men
  • 8:45am just finished dump and OMG SH*T I AM SO LATE FOR WORK I DON’T HAVE TIME TO FUCKING TWITTER U TWITS
  • 9:17am just got into work, punched a baby on subway on my way out of frustration
  • 9:21am just been fired going to dl some porn on work computer then going home to watch episodes of Bosom Buddies maybe cry a little

So, when I finally did go to the website, I sought out the only persons that I thought made sense to check-in on: celebrities. And so, over the course of the next few weeks, The Kids…will be sharing the transcripts of celebrity Twitter posts/conversations.

Our first celeb-Twit? Angelina Jolie.

If Mother Theresa was real she'd look like me

If Mother Theresa was real she'd look like me

Enjoy!

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Angelina Jolie’s Twitter at The Oscars: (all times are EST; pictures supplied by Angelina)

February 22, 2009

7:45pm brad and i are in limo on way to oscars. made brad wear “jennifer” mask whilst we may love

7:55pm lil maddox just learned to cut his first lines of coke for mommy! he’s also driving the limo. to some he may be a 3rd world baby, but to us, he’s a 1st rate servant

8:10pm blacked out lost track of time because of coke  now apparently walking red carpet with brad about to check coats

8:22pm just realized this is not brad; hillary swank

8:23pm also just realized that i handed coat to penelope cruz, oscars dont have a coat check 2nite because of economy

8:24pm not penel cruz, don cheadle, i am so coked up

8:35pm in ladies’ room applying self-righteous lotion to my neck, balls. lotion made from maddox’s birth-mother’s tears. also injected heroin into belly button so i can stay awake during this grammy’s show

8:38pm seated now, giving brad handjob

8:55pm just rec email confirming we’ve officially adopted queen latifah, now re-named “stacy”. please welcome stacy jolie-pitt to our family

9:00pm show is so boring guys! omg, here comes jen-jen to present with jack fatback black to present animation aka apparently what jenn is not when she f-cks

Every tattoo's a "tramp-stamp" when you're me!

Every tattoo's a "tramp-stamp" when you're me!

9:01pm just yelled “c*nt” to jennifer anus-ton once applause died down. i hate her i HATE HER squeezing brad’s balls to remind him who owns him

9:02pm just yelled c-bomb again; everyone is looking at mickey rourke :)–except anus-ton who is looking at me

John Mayer and his mother, Cow Mayer at the Oscars

John Mayer and his mother, Cow Mayer at the Oscars

9:03 just flicked tongue at anus-ton, made graphic “bj” motion with mouth hands pointing at brad

9:17pm just took sip of billy bob’s career lifeblood from vial to calm nerves maintain vampire powers manage gonorrhea rashes

9:20pm just remembered to give a sip of vial to jamie foxx to help him maintain cultural relevance despite lack of talent

9:25pm sending naked pics of me to john mayer

10:19pm adrian brody just whispered ‘good luck tonight’–holy fuck i’m nominated tonight??? for ‘changeling’? wtf? i was really trying to get that baby that was not a movie

10:24pm bored carving stacy jolie-pitts name between breasts brad looks embarrassed GO BACK TO JENN THEN WHORE

10:45pm announcing lead actress noms……rachel hathaway –f*cked her….melissa leo –f*cked her….meryl streep –too many x’s to count….kate winslet–man. i should easily win

11:00pm award went to winslet, i just f-cked her hubby backstage for upstaging me. made him wear “jennifer” mask

11:30pm braddy-daddy and i are adopting the cast crew of slumdog mill…maybe mumbai too…must go now…mayer texting me pics of his junk wants pics of brad, & a ride home with us

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