Category Archives: Now Playing Near You

Now Playing Near You: Blue Balls!

Ho-ho-ho!*

It’s Chrriiiissstmmmassss time!

It's just that my parents always said that blue people were just lazy...

And if you haven’t spent all your money buying people stuff that they either secretly don’t want or you secretly want for yourself, you’re probably going to want to see a movie or two during the holiday break.

Well, you’re in luck. Movie reviews for you!

Now Playing in Theaters

  • Avatar: In which humans infiltrate a blue-skinned alien species to steal their unobtanium–a material whose name alone tells you how great this story is going to be. Their plan? To send a broken-down man into the arms of a woman from the alien race, meaning that James Cameron spent $500 million and 14 years to make Jungle Fever 2.
  • Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. gets another role that requires him to do coke in order to “get into character”. Jude Law is cast as Watson, and also as the guy with bail money when RDJr wakes up high in Miley Cyrus’ bed. Hollywood!

    The First Rule of Crack Club: DO TRICKS FOR CRACK

  • The Princess and the Frog: Disney tries to get into the “black game” rather belatedly. The country’s already celebrating Obama, Lil’ Wayne and The Real Housewives of Atlanta. So what does Disney do? They say, “let’s do a story featuring someone black, and let’s do it in the most magical city for black people here–New Orleans!”. Next up: a latino boy is the central hero of The Amazing Misadventures of the Illegal Gardener. It takes place in East LA.
  • It’s Complicated: Somehow someone convinced Hollywood execs that a great, worthwhile movie would be a romantic comedy about Meryl Streep (kinda weirdly old bird hot )and Alex Baldwin (who has successfully finished devouring the other Baldwins). With me so far? And then, seeing that the movie needed more star power, signed the edgy up-and-comer Steve Martin. There’s nothing complicated about this. It will suck. Trust.

    "Man; if you ate your brothers anywhere near as well as you eat...."

  • Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel: Hey, I get it. Kids need movies too. Lord knows there aren’t enough of them, since I was movie-theater raised on Jungle Fever, Predator and Harlem Nights–a virtual pitch-perfect guide to How To Raise Your Children To Want to Be On A Reality Show. But look; these Chipmunk movies are an insult to children everywhere and parents who grew up on Alvin, Simon and Theodore will most likely toss their children at the screen in disgust. Movies like this are more obnoxious than bowl games, more obnoxious than High School Musical movies, and certainly more obnoxious than that commercial with the clubbers and the taxi cab driver singing along to Biz Markie. You know who probably dresses and thinks the chipmunks he’s brought in and reared can sing? Robert Downey Jr.! Crack kills, kids–unless you’re Iron Man. Or a British dick.
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Now Playing Near You: Nothing to See Here; Everybody’s Fine

It’s been a bit since we’ve been to the movies, huh?

What with all the animal attacks that we’ve had lately and all.

Eh, what’s that? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

"Is this Maggie or Jake behind me?"

Why between attacks from turkeys (Thanksgiving) and people getting f-cked by and f-cking up Tiger’s wood, well, it just seems fair to say that there’s been an animal outbreak keeping us all on edge.

But now that it’s getting cold people are going to want to be indoors more and therefore, most likely start seeing more movies, which is apparently different than when it’s warm and nice out and therefore people want to be inside more and most likely see more movies then too.

Batman, we’re so lame.

Anyway, let’s look at some movies, huh? Once again, if you’re new to this, I haven’t actually seen these movies, but I feel comfortable reviewing them for you anyway. You don’t need to have seen much or done much in order to tell people what to think or do in America.

Later, I will unveil my plan for Afghanistan.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  • Twilight Saga: New Moon: First of all, I think it’s hilarious that this series has the nerve to refer to itself as a “saga”. Really? I worry that “saga” is going to become the book world’s “beautiful”–one of those terms too easily bandied about by people and for people that have no business using it or wearing it.  Amazingly, both these terms have something in common: Robert Pattinson. Congrats, Bobby, you’re in a beautiful saga about pressuring teenage girls into showing their cooter. And you “sparkle”.

    I use sparkle in my hair.

  • The Blind Side: Oy vey. I don’t know what’s more appalling about this movie–yet another vehicle about a white person saving a black person (see also The Soloist,  Finding Forrester, Die Hard With a Vengeance) or Bullock’s hair in the movie, which looks like something you’d see on a Texan flight attendant that moonlights as “Dallas” at the local boobie bar. I’ll summarize the movie for you: –Bullock finds black kid digging through her trash, thinks he’s a big bear. –figures out he’s not, and that he’s actually a person with real feelings and dreams, so she has him play football.–black kid eventually moves in with Bullock; they become friends. –eventually Bullock has her first “black one”.–Black kid actually is a bear, eats Bullock (hence the title “Blind Side”), goes to NFL, becomes Ray Lewis.

    "I don't like the look of that bear."

  • 2012: See, if they make the date of these movies sooner you get more scared. Like, back in the 70’s when they did 2001: A Space Odyssey people were like “pass the coke and communal poon–2001 is like forever from now”. But then Hollywood wised up and after Armageddon (Bruce Willis saves the world with a John Deere tractor or something) Deep Impact (lesson: black presidents trumpet end of world) starting doing “date movies”–first it was Gyllenhaal’s (Jake, that is, not his brother Maggie) The Day After Tomorrow (f-ck, we’re dying SUNDAY!) and now we have 2012. But this time it might be true. Black prez? Check. Weird weather? Check. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face? Check.  There it is. Boom. It’s like I just decoded the Mayans.
  • Old Dogs: John Travolta I get. Robin Williams–dear Batman do I get that. But Seth Green? Really? Has he really squandered all that Austin Powers time and is already doing movies with hacks like Williams and Travolta? I guess Robot Chicken isn’t bringing the loot.  You want to know how bad this movie is? Bernie Mac’s in this. He’s DEAD. Bernie Mac is DEAD. If they really wanted Bernie’s likeness in the movie, they should’ve just made a casting edit: playing the role of Bernie Mac will be Kathy Bates in black face. I have a fear that they’re doing this movie with Mac in it Weekend at Bernie’s style–Seth’s probably working the crank that’s moving his arms. Actually, Seth’s probably better off working someone’s crank than appearing in this. I’m pretty sure Bernie Mac’s ghost is going to haunt and eat everyone who allowed him to be in this. Blind sided again!

    "You're going to PAY us too? Hahaha--awesome!"

  • Everybody’s Fine: Watching De Niro’s star fall is like watching your old H.S. hottie deteriorate over the years–at one time, they were untouchable–no one would argue there was anyone better than them. And then, after that glorious stretch, you run into them here and there over the years…..Rocky and Bullwinkle (oh man, I didn’t recognize you with a

    Wook's wike sumbody's got your last chance for dignity, De Niro....

    couple more lbs on ya!)…..Meet the Parents (hey; you’re still kinda hot–but more in a cute kinda way)….Meet the Fockers (oh, wow, your taters are almost flip-flop level now, huh?)….Everybody’s Fine (jesus, have you always had a dick?). Not sure if that Wworks. But you know what? With a cast with the likes of Drew Barrymore, and Kate Beckinsale–two people about 2 films away from appearing on The Apprentice–I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t work either.

  • Brothers: Natalie Portman plays a tramp that sleeps with two brothers: one that she’s married to but is sent off to war and later believed to be dead (Tobey Maguire), so she decides to complete her bucket list by crossing off “sleep with my children’s uncle”. Turns out that Tobey’s not dead, though. Hey, want to know what PTSD looks like? Dreaming of being with Natalie Portman while your eating sand and pissing in canteens only to come home to find Maggie Gyllenhaal grinding on her in your favorite chair while your kids play Wii. That’s PTSD.

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Now Playing Near You: Whip It, Whip It Good, Whip It REAL Good

Oh boy, it’s been a quiet week, hasn’t it?

The Kids are getting geared-up for a return to normalcy, and what better way than the latest installment of “Now Playing Near You”–a snooty look at the week’s movie releases.

You can read previous installments by clicking on the link of the same name located in the right-hand margin.

And now, the latest gut-busting reviews of movies you’re sure to see (or not see depending on taste). Get your popcorn, soda and chaps removed–the Kids are about to Whip It.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  1. Zombieland: In the world comics, books and movies, the monsters are back again. Thanks to dim-witted wankfests like Twilight–who’ve turned vampires into sparkling, effeminate, walking-roofies waiting to bang your daughter–Benecio del Toro’s upcoming Werewolf movie (talk about a role one was “born to play”), the Resident Evil movies and games and Meet the Osbournes, monsters have seen a huge resurgence in popularity over the last few years. This week’s spotlight is Zombieland, an adventurous romp about a group of humans walking through a
    I'm so high!

    I'm so high!

    zombie-infested America, blasting, chopping and sawing every zombie in their path. The movie stars Woody Harrelson, who probably thinks he’s really shooting zombies the whole time, but sadly doesn’t star Megan Fox, Miley Cyrus, Oprah Winfrey, any recent cast of Real World/Road Rules, Akon, Gwen Stefani or Jay Leno as zombies. Just to name a few. It does star Abigail Breslin (from the painfully over-hyped Little Miss Sunshine ) though. But she’s not a zombie either. F-ck, why see this? Besides, what’s the last good “land” you’ve heard of? Graceland, Disneyland, Never-Never Land and Maryland all suck–why should Zombieland be any different? Actually, it might be.

  2. Whip It: Starring too-cute-and-quirky-Juno lead Ellen Paige who’s trading in the most unbelievable dialogue ever delivered by a “16 yr-old teenage mom” for a movie about a plucky young woman who is a waitress by day and a roller-derby baller by night. Other trades: instead of the name “Juno” she’s now a character named “Bliss”. Instead of annoying, overdone Diablo Cody (writer of Juno), we get lispy, tipsy Drew Barrymore (directing). I don’t care if you whip it, smurf it, lick it, beat it or stroke it–just don’t see it.

    whip-it

    "Yeah, so, I was in Juno, you know...."

  3. The Invention of Lying: Bill Clinton and George Bush Jr. star in This movie is about Ricky Gervais being the first person to discover the ability to lie. It’s bound to be bad because of the TV Star Rule: movies reliant on TV stars are never good. It’s got Ricky Gervais (from the U.K. The Office), Jennifer Garner (Elektra), Tina Fey (SNL and 30 Same Jokes) and Rob Lowe (West Wing and home-made porn films). That’s too many TV stars for a movie to succeed. Garner and Fey alone should be a warning for studio execs–the two haven’t been the leads in decent movies yet. Baby’s Momma alone, with a title and a supporting character cast that’s as offensive as it is unfunny, should be proof of this. I dare you, dear readers to name me a movie that had TV stars sharing the main acting duties and it being good still. Doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.
  4. Toy Story in 3-D: Tim Allen in 3-D brings a whole new meaning to the idea of “Tool Time”.
  5. Toy Story 2 in 3-D: Smurf-dammit, didn’t you hear me the first time?
  6. Capitalism: A Love Story: It’s Michael Moore’s latest attempt to make at duality: good points at the cost of being labeled a “liberal”. What I’d love to see is for Moore to do a documentary on something that he, Rush Limbaugh, Lady Gaga and Simon Cowell all share: man breasts.

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Now Playing Near You:Love Happens in Jennifer’s Body

Oops.

Looks like Friday passed without a slate of movie reviews for everyone.

Freaky Friday!

Doubtless, you all spent the weekend wandering the streets like so much Lindsay Lohan.

That’s my fault, kids. Total mea culpa.

So, The Kids is doling out a Thursday edition for you kids that’s bridging last week and this week in releases and whatnot. Hopefully this will get us all back on track for next week’s upcoming movies.

I didn’t see the following movies, but you might have.

Now Playing In Theaters:

  1. Love Happens: You know how some people get dumped by the person they’re convinced was The One, and as a result, never recover? And then they spend all their time talking and acting like “Oh my god, that just gave me this whole 2nd chance at life” sort of kick, so sometimes love happens with a pasty-faced pop stars, sometimes love happens with Vince “I look like a roofie dealer” Vaughn and all the while getting that crazy glint in the eye that sometimes means someone’s going home with her or someone’s going to get stabbed? Yeah, well……………………………..Jennifer Anniston has a new movie out. And co-star Aaron Eckhart is either getting taser or ‘tang outta this.

    Anniston: "Do you mind if I call you "Phoebe" tonight?"

  2. Jennifer’s Body: The Craigs’ reconciliation faces its first test; Drs. Auschlander and Gideon struggle together to save St. Eligius when Weigert decides to get out; Novino pushes Morrison to decide between her and Joanne; Griffin places his future in God’s hands; Ehrlich returns from his odyssey; and Fiscus’ last E.R. patient is a lady from the opera…But is it really over? The jaw-dropping climax culminates in a blue-collared dad placing his young autistic son Tommy Westphall’s miniature St. Eligius snow globe on the living room TV set, having summoned him to dinner. “St. Elsewhere’s” entire six-year saga had all been a figment of little Tommy’s imagination!
  3. Pandorum: A movie about Dennis Quaid waking up in outer space confused about who he is anymore or why he’s there. I’m guessing the same thing happened to Quaid when he woke up at some point on the set of a movie called Pandorum.
  4. Surrogates: Bruce Willis stars in a movie that takes place in the “near” future where people have access to robotics technology that allows them to control better looking, more fit versions of themselves. I’m guessing Wendy Williams’ robot looks like Shaq and Fergie’s robot looks like that kid from the movie Mask. Anyway, Willis’ character investigates a mysterious murder of a college student that helped the scientist that created these robots. F-ck it hurts to write three sentences about some of these movies–how does someone write an entire script? Plus, another addition to the Hollywood Names List: Rosamund Pike, which sounds like some hicktown highway exit in Western Maryland. Hey, Willis read Surrogates, you know what script was underneath it? Pandorum. And speaking of scripts,you’re probably confused by the Jennifer’s Body entry two spots up. Allow me to explain. It’s a movie about Megan Fox as a gorgeous high school girl possessed by a demon. Needless to say, an episode guide from Season 6 of St. Elsewhere was a better service to you all. Sadly Jennifer’s Body has nothing to do with Love-Hewitt, Lopez, Connelly or even Anniston for that matter.

    Type of line you'll hear in 'Surrogates': People are meant to LIVE life, not CONTROL it!

  5. Fame: Oy. Between this, Glee and America’s Got Talent, middle-class obnoxious geeks are having their day in the sun (and yes, I’ve lumped all those groups together). There is no greater hell for me than to imagine spending a day with kids who thrive in such environments. These are the people that go on to do things like Kids Songz, Disney channel movies and ticket sales at Loews movie theaters. This week’s entire slate of movies is really a showcase of Your Hollywood Career As You Knew It Is Officially Over actors. First we had Anniston, then Quaid, then Willis and now the instructors in the movie Fame. Take a look: Kelsey Grammar, Megan Mullally, Bebe Neuwirth and Charles S. Dutton. Toss in Debbie Allen and you’ve got 5 actors that would get more respect if they were seen dancing for change on the NYC subway. I couldn’t even search or attach a picture to this entry for fear that I’d see it and be compelled to punch my screen at some point. You want to know what fame is, kids, real fame? Waking up in space without knowing who you are anymore and why you’re there. Fame is Pandorum. Still, Lilith and Frasier reunited!
  6. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs:…..is typically something you hear right before someone teabags you. You really want to take your kids to see that?

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Now Playing Near You: White, out!

Well, after a brief blissful hiatus, The Kids has returned with more bang for your movie buck.

After a laborious Labor Day weekend, and swinging deep into the week now, we’re closing in on the weekend, which can mean only one thing:

Moviesmoviesmoviesmovies.

i can do bad

He can also do bad for the black community--all by himself.

As always, the following are reviews of movies that I wouldn’t pay to see if my healthcare depended on it (YOU LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!), but I’m reviewing them for you anyway with the hopes that you’ll avoid dropping your dime on some Hollywood slime.

This week, we’re starting with the movies coming soon and then the movies that are actually in the theaters now–it’s sort of like when you actually go to the movies and see the trailers first, plus, it allows me to unload on my favorite target, Tyler Perry.

You ready?

Of course you are, you fuggin’ cute little porker you.

Let’s do this.

In Theatres Now:

  1. I Can Do Bad All By Myself: The only Google search that returns with the suggestion “did you mean black minstrel show?”. Taraji P. Henson has officially fallen into the Tyler Perry Zone. The TPZ is a place where once-thought-of rising stars and potential Hollywood A-listers go to die in a blaze of stereotypes. Other noteworthy inhabitants of the TPZ include Kathy Bates (who is now learning new meanings to the word Misery),  Janet Jackson (who has now sold her titty and her soul in order to get more work), Sanaa Lathan (oh Love & Basketball we hardly knew ye) and Blair Underwood who is glad to be doing anything not Brequiring him to peddle “Soul Glo”. I’m guessing that the clock is only ticking before we see the following get pulled into the TPZ: Eriq LaSalle. Omar Epps. Vivica A. HoFox. The entire cast of Girlfriends. And my special “wildcard” pick: Chris Rock. Meanwhile, a solid bet is that Tyler Perry himself will appear in the movie–to date, he’s slated to appear in 9 of his 10 movies making him a sorta low-low-low-low-low-shank-you-on-the-street-while-you’re-checking-your-mail-rent Alfred Hitchcock. As a matter of fact, because of this feat, I am going to dub Tyler Perry “Alfred Blackcock”. I Can Do
    Blackcock strikes again!

    Blackcock strikes again!

    Bad All By Myself opens on 9/11, making it the second worse tragedy to happen to the States on that day. This is the only time you’ll hear me say this: Please don’t support Blackcock.

  2. Sorority Row: Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, stars in a movie about sorority chicks who mistakenly kill one of their own during a prank that goes wrong. Around graduation time though, a “mysterious killer” (jungle juice? grades? integration?) shows up and starts picking the girls off one-by-one. There’s no way that this movie can be better than Sorority House 5: I Sukka Dikka, so why even bother seeing it? I’ll refrain from making too many jokes about the lives of sorority girls–that’s what STD clinics are for–but rumor has it that Rumer’s career isn’t off to a great start. Isn’t there someone in Hollywood interested in making Striptease 2: Dicktease? Pfft, she’s probably better off signing up for Sorority House 6–time to start spreading some Rumer all over town! It worked for her mom, at least.
  3. Whiteout: At first I was convinced that Tyler Perry had released two movies in the same week–quite possible after hearing him say on Regis & Kelly I-Hate-My-Children Show that it took him only 21 days and one movie studio set to shoot  I Can Do Bad. Then I thought that someone had already made a movie about Whitney Houston. Interestingly though, the movie is instead about Kate Beckinsale and a group of investigators sent to uncover the mystery of a body found hidden in the blinding, snowy, icy tundra of Antartica. Naturally, this leads to uncovering an even greater mystery, though I’m guessing that doesn’t whiteout-posterinvolve ones like “why do white people enjoy the outdoors so much?”.  I think it’s safe to say that Beckinsale will survive this, just as I think it’s probably safe to say that co-star Columbus Short will most likely not survive this. Maybe if this was called Blackout I’d give him a sporting chance.
  4. Beyond A Reasonable Doubt: No one plays “smug rich, powerful white guy” like Michael Douglas.  From Wall Street, to The Game to War of the Roses, Douglas has shown that when you need a white guy with a face that seems so rich and powerful you want to punch it (…and yes, make love to it, too…wait, what), he’s the one to call. If they ever make an Enron movie, they’d better cast him. Hell if they ever make a “America’s History” movie, they’d better cast him then, too. Shit, if they made a Monopoly movie, I want only him to be the guy dancing on Community Chest and teabagging Columbus Short outside of Marvin Gardens. Anyway, Douglas plays a rich powerful, corrupt lawyer who yada yada yada–this guy’s banging Catherine T-Mobile Jones—that seems like grounds for beyond a reasonable doubt.

    douglaszeta

    With every kiss, Douglas steals more of Zeta's youthful life force.

In Theaters Now:

  1. All About Steve: Sandra Bullock once played the roles that helped usher the women’s movement in Hollywood along a pace or two: she was adventurous and feisty in Speed 1-2, she made single moms seem capable of more than whoredom and welfare in Hope Floats and gave the sort of no-nonsense pizzazz usually reserved for Hollywood lesbians in Miss Congeniality 1-2 and 2 Weeks Notice. And now? Now she’s playing a deranged, stalker following Bradley Cooper after he’s had his Hangover and one-night stand with Bullock. He of course gets to look like the sensible, befuddled one, while Bullock spends the movie looking like she’s in all_about_steve_posterneed of penicillin to cure the syphilis that’s eaten her sanity (there’s an app for that). Welcome to Katherine Heigl Land, Bullock. Kate Hudson will show you to your seat.
  2. The Final Destination: Much like the movie to follow this review, why pretend like this isn’t like the 14th sequel to a long-dead franchise? As a matter of fact, I wish we’d adopt this in real life: why is every new partner referred to as merely “girlfriend/boyfriend” instead of the more accurate “girlfriend 16: this one’s bitch crazy” or “boyfriend 7: he’s sorta small in the pants, but he listens when I talk”. Much like the movies, I think this would inform me on how seriously to take my friend’s new partners; the first 2-3, I’m still interested and invested, but after 5-6, you’re just f-cking to keep from being cold at night. Anyway, by my count, I think this is like the 5th Final Destination movie with the same tried and true formula of Kill Teenagers At Random Moments in Gruesome Fashion. If they maybe shot Glee this way, I’d be interested in watching it.
  3. Halloween II:…….really? Really? Halloween II? In what reality is this only the second Halloween movie?! Mike Meyers is just like the real life Mike Meyers–neither knows when to quit, they’re both pasty-faced freaks, and they both have less talent that Jamie Lee “Dong Surprise” Curtis. Sweet Nietzsche I just saw that Margot Kidder (Lois Lane) is in this movie!
  4. Extracted: The creator of the severely-overrated Office Space (not to mention King of the Hill) and the lead cast member of the no-longer- underrated Arrested Development join forces to create a movie sure to appear in your local CVS’ “movie bin” in about 4-6 weeks. I’d tell you more about the movie, but with co-stars like Gene Simmons, Ben Afflack! Affleck and Kristen Wiig in it, I probably don’t need to.

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Now Playing Near You: Aliens! Time Travel!…Hudgens!

Just got paid/it’s Friday night/the party’s jumping/it’s movie night!

Welcome back to Now Playing Near You; the (almost) weekly installment reviewing straight-to-DVD movies that somehow made it to the big screen first.

Sneaky bum-sniffers.

Anyway, the name of the game is reviews of movies I haven’t actually seen, but delivering it with an arrogance so self-assured these reviews feel genuine.

If you’re new to this, you can see previous installments in the “Now Playing Near You” category on this page.

And now, without further adieu, the movies.

Opening This Week:

  1. District 9: District 9 is the latest movie by superstar film director Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings). It’s a movie about aliens that have already landed on Earth and settled into an isolated area of…..South Africa–a
    On the prowl for the Mandelaliens.

    You gotta fight for your right to apartheid.

    welcome Hollywood change since most aliens land in NYC. Shockingly, the Afrikaners aren’t too keen about the real estate that the aliens are inhabiting, so they start pushing them out. This movie’s original title was actuallyDistrict…of Columbia. The good news is that there’s a lot of alien-related bombing and action. The bad news? Apartheid.

  2. The Time Traveler’s Wife: It’s a movie about a guy dropping in and out of a woman’s life, essentially driving her crazy. I can think of at least 4 women who call this “my childhood”.
  3. Bandslam: It’s what marching band kids do in a group late at night when the counselors are asleep. I’m inclined to blame this on Kids Incorporated (and therefore, by extension, Fergie), but who the Smurf finds mediocre-talented
    "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

    "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

    kids playing music entertaining? I mean, really? This annoying group of students are enjoying their moment in the sun, thanks to High School Musical 1-50, Glee Club, Fame and To Catch A Predator. And the songs in these movies wouldn’t even make it onto a Kidz Bop—and those fuggin’ CDs fuggin’ suck. And who are these kids that do these songs? I don’t know any kid that wants to sing a “clean” version of “To the Window, To the Wall” (“I give Joe a call/and say “Yo, let’s ride to the mall”/I’ll pull up and beep beep beep beep beep….”). Granted, I made that up, but I hate those songs. I hate those kids. You know what those songs say? “I’m still breast-fed and wear footsie PJs at 14.” Bah. Fuck, I didn’t even talk about Bandslam. Bah.

  4. Ponyo: At first I saw this title and I said to myself, “sweet! someone’s making a Ginuwine movie!”. But then I saw that it’s actually an anime movie based loosely on stories like The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo, but nothing to do with Ginuwine. And now, here I am. With my saddle. Waiting.

    Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

    Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

  5. The Goods: Jeremy Piven….Ving Rhames….James Brolin….and a movie about dirty car salesman directed by the guy that back-stabbed Dave Chappelle….nope; don’t see anything good here unfortunately. Now maybe if they sent all these guys to District 9, then, then we’d have a movie worth seeing.

Coming Soon:

  1. Inglorious Basterds: Oh, that Tarantino; so clever and kewl! Look at that off-kilter spelling! This movie is about Brad Pitt leading a small, plucky group of Jewish soldiers on a mission to fight Nazis. What you can expect: cool, really obscure music, Brad Pitt’s monkey-face with a moustache, at least 3-8 uses of a racial slur and Tarantino coked-out in the film booth.
  2. Headless Woman: Let me tell you something; I dated one of these ‘headless’ women before, and trust me, they don’t headbang and they definitely don’t Bandslam either.

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Now Playing Near You: Back in the Sandler(lot)

Hey-o! It’s Friday, and you know what that means:

3 hours of “What Not to Wear”! Yes! Hello Stacy and Clint!

I must admit that I have this dream of walking around the city (they shoot a lot in Philly) wearing ridiculous clothing like a bandana, a tuxedo shirt and Adidas running pants. And Crocs. Which I hate.

TGIF!

TGIF!

Or just naked with cool Kanye West-like sunglasses. Just something to make someone say, “Oh man, I gotta call What Not to Wear–and then the police”.

But alas, enough about last week, let’s talk about what you’re doing this weekend: movies!

Let’s crack open the “newspaper” and take a look at what’s coming out this weekend……remember, these are movies that I haven’t actually seen yet, so take these reviews with a grain of salt, like your penis.

Let’s do this!

Now Playing In Theaters

1. Funny People: I love Adam Sandler. I think he’s totally hilarious in his movies with the way that he breaks shit all the time, punches people randomly, constantly shouts at weird intervals….he’s like your favorite drunk Uncle. Or, a frat boy. Anyway, that sentence was originally written in 1999, roughly the last time I found anything that Sandler did to be funny. And that was in The Waterboy, a movie that when I look back on now, I realize was essentially working off the premise, “aren’t autistic kids who dream big funny?”. He is joined by Seth Rogen, another comedian who graduated from the White Boys Like Us School of Comedy. Other graduates include Will Ferrell (WBLUSoC c/o ’99), Steve Carrell (WBLUSoC ’06) and founder Greg Gumbel. Anyway, the movie is about Adam Sandler playing a dying (yay!) comedian and befriending Seth Rogen’s up-and-coming comedian character. This is another Apatow vehicle that will undoubtedly skew towards its usual characteristics: awkward dude friendship (see 40 Yr Old, Knocked Up, Superbad), with  5-10 gay/male intimacy jokes, an off-color joke delivered by a female (Leslie Mann, who I love) and a Really Sweet Message. Aaaaand done. I just made a Judd Apatow movie. And I just saved you $12.

2. Aliens in the Attic: I got all psyched to watch this preview a few weeks ago as visions of Maria Full of Grace, Under the Same Moon and The George Lopez Show danced through my head. And then it came on and I saw

Uh....habla espanol?

Uh....habla espanol?

that this had nothing to do with Mexicans (Maria…Grace), immigration (Moon) or drug mules (George Lopez). A missed opportunity for a great indie title about a Columbia, MD family that makes the difficult decision to hide their nanny and her kids in their attic, letting her out only when they’re hungry and when Billy and Katie need to be taken to soccer games and Back to School Night. Or, “in the quiet suburbs of Lower Merion the Clarksons can’t figure out why all the food keeps disappearing in the fridge, or why husband Bill’s “Chicago Bulls 1994 Eastern Conference Finals Champs” t-shirt is suddenly missing. Meanwhile, wife Judy watches a mysterious brown man hop into a different truck every morning outside of Wawa and daughter Stacey is suddenly…..pregnant”? Sadly, the movie’s actually about siblings who have their home invaded by tiny, violent, Earth-conquering space invaders. Starring Kevin Nealon and Tim Meadows who could also star in the sequel/spinoff Comedian Careers in the Basement.

3. The Collector: This movie’s about a recently released ex-con who agrees to break into a country club owner’s home in order to repay a debt to his ex-wife but discovers there’s a killer in the house that’s already killed the entire family. One of the movie’s headliners is a woman named “Madeline Zima”–who’s ever enjoyed a fucking Zima before? I think actor “Brock Red Bull” is playing the part of The Collector. I am now adding “Madeline Zima” to the list of “Strangest Hollywood Names” along with “CCH Pounder”.

Coming Soon:

1. Julie&Julia: I don’t like “name” movies. Benny and Joon, When Harry Met Sally, Victor/Victoria, Marley & Me. Bleh. Crap. All of’em. As a matter of fact, you know you’re in bad naming company when the best of your lot is Harold & Kumar. Anyway, Julie&Julia is a movie about a bored NY’er who decides to follow Julia Child’s recipes and recreate them herself. Along the way she learns surprisingly learns a lot about herself, her relationship(s) and the world around her. I’m sure if you found Eat, Pray, Love’s whiny, meandering existential Yuppie crisis fascinating, you’ll enjoy this. I find that these movies/books/etc are the female’s answer to the Matrix movies–full of hammy

GRRR ME JULIA BREAK WHIMPY CHICKEN GARRRHHH

GRRR ME JULIA BREAK WHIMPY CHICKEN GARRRHHH

philosophy and Deep Life Lessons To Think About.  Further proof that men are from Mars and women are from Venus–this woman tackles one of the world’s greatest hermaphrodite chefs’ cookbook to discover meaning, while the Supersize Me! movie was about a guy that wanted to see how many Mickey D’s fries he could eat til his rectum exploded or something.  I guess all I’m saying is “Subway. Eat Fresh.”

2. A Perfect Getaway: Originally intended to be O.J.’s book of memoirs (followed by “Juice on the Loose!” and “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”) before getting jailed for O.J.-ism in Vegas, this movie is about white people traveling to a tropical place. And if we’ve learned anything from I Know What You Did Last Summer, Christopher Columbus and Real World: Cancun it’s that these things never end well.

3. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra: stars Dennis Quaid, Brendan Fraser and Marlon Wayans. I just listed that casting in order of WTF-ness.

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