Category Archives: Restaurant Weak

Restaurant Weak: “F-ck, I got crabs!”

Hey–o!

This is the latest installment of “Restaurant Weak”, where I review the fast food chains that are making your wallets lighter and your asses bigger.

Hey, question: you ever find yourself driving around town, maybe leaving the local shopping mall and think, “Old Navy shirt? Check. New Crocs from Wal-Mart? Check. Now where can I score some garlic bread and whale fat?”.

If that’s you (and it is, come on, isn’t it?) then you undoubtedly pull over and drop anchor at Red Lobster.

And you know what? That deserves a review.

The Kids Don’t Get It Restaurant Weak Review of ‘Red Lobster’

First of all, to go to Red Lobster one must realize two things are most likely going to happen:

  1. river blindness
  2. mermaid herpes
  3. fresh-water swamp ass
red-lobster-biscuits

The secret ingredient is ground Elephant Man bones.

This is because, Red Lobster shares all their ingredients, and indeed their marketing, with Olive Garden –the other American fast-food specialty place that should require a personal injury attorney and a waiver in order to eat at it–and takes that recipe and adds things like “sea ingredients” and “salted butter” resulting in a salty-ass bread referred to as “biscuits” but more closely resembles elephantitis hands.

Even Googling Red Lobster throws up some flags. For example, one  Google search results says, “did you mean red lobster the tacky-ass restaurant, or red lobster the genital eating disease in Urban Dictionary?”. Then on there’s a listing for Red Lobster coupons.

Coupons!

Amazing, isn’t it? I mean really, what reputable restaurant offers coupons to eat there? To me, only the following things should offer coupons to encourage consumer participation/spending:

  • orphanages (“get one Black kid, get an ADDITIONAL 1/2 Black, 1/2 White Kid for FREE”)
  • Extenze
  • Hookers (“$2.00 off any ‘job with a purchase of Extenze!”)

So yes; red flag #2 is coupons.

They also get flag points for their actual website which, when you visit it sizzles. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Red Lobster, I’m thinking of–well, blogging b/c I don’t ever fuggin’ think about Red Lobster. But when I did think of it, I thought about a tacky-ass website that would have tacky-ass sound effects like seagulls cawing (?), maybe a lighthouse flashing and immigrant workers drowning as they retrieved fish from the ocean.

But no; the Lobster people instead opted for a tacky-ass website for a tacky-ass restaurant where the sound effects are…..sizzling. This would be appropriate if we were talking about:

  • Outback Steakhouse (home of the politically-incorrect Bushman’s Bread which is second on Yahoo’s Most Offensive Terms List behind “The Black Man’s Poison” and just ahead of “Republicans”)
    fergie[4]

    Fergie's fishing for some fishsticks. Say that 5x.

  • Fergie’s crotch
  • Dick Cheney’s MySpace Page

Inside the website, Red Lobster makes some delicious and irresistible promises like “we’ll make sure we cook the food healthfully” and boasts that its offerings are high in Omega-3 acids, which I think is what they use in Hydroxy Cut and KY jelly.

They also list the following warnings about eating at the Lobster:

  • Your health and safety are top priorities for Red Lobster.
  • Your money and general ignorance of fish are greater priorities for Red Lobster.
  • If you are allergic to one type of shellfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of shellfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to one type of finfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of finfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to bad taste, there is a good chance that this place will give you the shingles.
  • Some of our combination seafood recipes contain multiple types of high quality seafood ingredients.  Ingredients can vary due to the availability of seafood that meets our demanding specifications.  Our menus typically only list the primary ingredients in each dish.
  • Red Lobster advises you to NOT trust the Gordon’s Fisherman as he has been seen injecting his fish sticks with heroin.
  • Please note that ingredients also vary according to how often our drug mule makes it across the border.
  • Dressings and sauces can contain many different types of seafood. For example, Caesar Salad dressings and Worcestershire Sauce may contain anchovies.
  • Due to a recent lawsuit we are also required to tell you not to consume our Red Lobster “Taste It Here First!” coupons as the ink can be poisonous and may have anchovies.

    gordon

    These idiots won't know what fished 'im!

So as you can see, Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Applebee’s complete the Bermuda Triangle of Taste. By all means, feel free to patron these businesses, but wouldn’t be better to play it safe?

Support your local Bushman.

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      Restaurant Weak: CiCi’s Pizza

      I love pizza.

      It’s probably my favorite food for its sheer versatility.

      After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

      After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

      You can fold it and eat it if you’re on the go.

      You can eat it with a knife and fork if you want to appear civilized.

      You can use it to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

      Anyway, yes, pizza. I’ve sampled nearly every type of pizza out there, from Mom&Pop shops, to Pizza Hut, to Tombstone to those Play-Doh ones that you can make. I’ve always dreamed of opening a no-holds-barred pizza place where you can get anything you want on top (twss).

      Cereal, onion rings, gummi bears, Salma Hayek–whatever your heart desired.

      Well, over the last few years, someone took my idea and ran with it, and by “took my idea and ran with it” I mean, “here’s a review of CiCi’s pizza”.

      Have you ever been to a CiCi’s Pizza? CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza restaurant.

      Think about that for a second: all-you-can-eat-pizza.

      Is that ever a good idea? What’s the max amount of pizza can you eat in one sitting? No, no, Smurf that–what’s the max amount of pizza you should eat sitting?

      Whatever that number is, CiCi’s wants you to be comfortable doubling it. And then having some pasta. And then having some dessert.

      It all sounds good, right? Kinda? Sorta? Maybe a wittle bit?

      Well that’s what I thought too….until I went there.

      teenage mutant ninja turtles pizza tmnt

      These were 2 whites, a black and an asian before they came into CiCi's.

      CiCi’s promises you great, buffet pizza, which is like promising people “bubbly abdominal pains and doo doo butter for the rest of the afternoon”.

      Each slice that I had there was covered in grease, and not the good, tasty kind of grease that you get at Mom&Pop pizza shops; oh no, the grease at CiCi’s tastes like it was made from hobo sweat.

      I ate two slices at a CiCi’s in Houston, TX years ago, and nearly immediately I felt a transformation come over me that was somewhere between “Teen Wolf” and menstruation. I turned to my companion and said, “I believe my man-water just broke”.

      A CiCi’s attendant came over though, and quickly explained that what I was actually experiencing was my body under-going the CiCi’s Pizza Immune System Reassignment Process (CPISRP) and then showed me a display not unlike what you see in commercials for oils for car engines and chemicals to fix your plumbing pipes.

      This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

      This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

      CiCi’s Pizza is the kind of pizza that you serve to the following people:

      • inmates
      • the homeless
      • people who have lost their sense of taste because of bug poison
      • frat boys

        CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

        CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

      That’s it. That’s the list right there. Anyone else that goes there is asking for trouble. I mean, you know you’re shit pizza when fucking Boboli doesn’t fear you as any sort of competition–and you have to make Boboli yourself!

      So basically, CiCi’s Pizza is like any other buffet, and anyone with 1/2 a brain will tell you that buffets are not a good way to eat. Buffets do massive quantities of things and they all taste like rat dick and cardboard.

      So eat at CiCi’s Pizza at your own peril, but if you do….

      ….want do you want on your tombstone?

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      The Garden of Eatin’

      So, the other week we took a look at Applebee’s and now, The Kids is returning to America’s Restaurants with a peek at another chain mainstay:

      The Olive Garden

      Don’t get me wrong. When I was a kid, going to The Olive Garden was right up there in the “that’s my shit list” along with The Cosby Show (this was during Lisa Bonet’s “I’m bringing my ‘suburban slut’ olive-garden restangle into this bitch” stretch before Bill jettisoned her to A Different World), Nintendo’s Commando and TLC (the group, not the channel asshats).

      But one day, all growed up, I returned to The O.G. with some friends and was shocked by what I discovered:

      The Olive Garden really sucks.

      No, no, I mean it really does.

      The O.G. fills a unique niche’ that the American restaurant chain business had long neglected before:

      — the joy of eating microwaved “Italian” food from the comfort of a restaurant.

      I mean really; The O.G. might have some of the luke-warmest food in the world. I think their kitchen consists of one giant hot plate and a toaster oven (more on that in a second).

      They then put your plate on the O.G. hot plate for about 45 secs and then reach into a grocery bag, tear open a box of Hungry Man:Extreme Italian Dinners, and drop it on the plate, where it cooks as they bring it out to you, like a fajita.

      The other great thing about The Olive Garden? All problems are solved with breadsticks.

      Just getting seated after an hour wait? OG bread

      Extra breadsticks.

      Don’t want the complimentary swine-trough of salad?

      “We’ll give you more breadsticks”.

      Found a rat’s dick in your pasta?

      “We’ll open a new Hungry Man; in the meantime, have some more complimentary breadsticks, on us”.

      I am convinced that above The O.G. kitchen door and the toaster oven (for the breadsticks if you haven’t guessed now) there’s a sign that reads, ALL COSTUMER COMPLAINTS SHOULD BE SOLVED WITH EXTRA BREADSTICKS.

      It is amazing the effect that it has. In an average O.G. dinner, an average adult may consume up to 40 breadsticks. This is crucial since The O.G. breadstick–composed of butter, garlic salt and rat dick–is so breadsticksheavily seasoned with garlic, most conversation ceases because people are worried about offending each other with garlic rodent breath. Thus, no one is able to fully discuss how disgusting their dinner actually is.

      But they know how to get ya, don’t they? First it was with the “authentic” commercials that they used to roll. You know, the ones that showed the “Shrimp-stuffed ravioli with a side of mashed potatoes” dish that they called something ignorant like “The Southern Italy Mobster Gobster” . And as the camera panned over the select dish, salad and about 1,000,000,000 breadsticks, a voice-over would say:

      “We sent a team of our Olive Garden chefs to Italy this past summer to discover the latest, most exciting dishes being served in Italy. But they took the airfare and bet it on cockfighting in San Juan, so instead tons of breadwe present to you our newest dishes, something we at Olive Garden call, It’s Better Than Eating At Red Lobster’s Week.”

      Nowadays, they’ve opted for the herpes/Jared’s/Yaz commercial route, showing 20’s-30’s-somethings professionals around an O.G. table feasting on the latest dish.

      The latest one has a girl taking her new guy-friend (shh; she thinks he’s The One!) out to meet her closest multi-cultural friends at The O.G. to do a Big Meeting of the Friends. It’s goes well (no one can talk garden stixbecause of the breadsticks) and at the end she turns and says “I can’t wait for him to meet my parents next” and his look of shock is interpreted to mean that he’s not ready/unbelieving of this next step, but he’s really just realized that his sausage pasta dish wasn’t all…..well, sausage.

      That, and this trick has just hustled him into spending $50 on dishes with the words “Sampler” and “Tour” in it.

      But at least he’s not missing The Cosby Show.

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      Hold your tongue and say “Apple (bee’s)”

      Because of where we work, if we want to eat out for lunch we’ve typically got two choices: syringes or crack whores. And since crack whores give me gas, I rarely eat out in the neighborhood. But not too far away there’s another option that on occassion the co-workers and I will entertain as a group: Applebee’s!

      Usually lunch at Applebee’s involves convincing me that it’s healthier than syringes–which I’m still not certain of, by the way–but it’s most assuredly safer than the crack whores.

      Straight from the microwave to your table!

      Straight from the microwave to your table!

      But still….the menu and experience at Applebee’s leaves much to be desired. Applebee’s is the dominant head of the Franchise Fast-Food Restaurant Hydra which if you’re unfamiliar with it, consists of the following:

      • Applebee’s
      • Olive Garden
      • TGI Friday’s
      • Fuddruckers
      • Bennigan’s
      • Red Lobster
      • Outback Steakhouse

      Rounding this list out is also Chili’s which actually serves as the taint of this hydra.

      So anyway, yeah, Applebee’s might be the grossest one of the bunch, though I’ve learned to become wary of many a place that carries “stix” of any type.

      I mean really, have you seen an Applebee’s menu? The last time we went there, it basically went like this…..

      It’s divided into specific sections: “Slow Death Fried Foods”, “Food That Obese Lonely People Like”, “Foods to Choke Your Toilet, Draws”, “The Wild Card Dishes (Put Anything Together and We’ll Make It!)”and “Salads”–which was relegated to the back-page of the menu and was adorned with a pink heart next to each item, not because they were healthy choices, but because they were, according to Applebee’s, “Dishes made 100% With Gay

      NEW! Applebee's Signature Tofu Sandwich!

      NEW! Applebee's Signature Tofu Sandwich!

      People in Mind”.

      I wildly flipped through the 30-page menu and was struck by several things:

      1. Any place that requires pictures next to its meals is no place I want to eat at. I know what ribs look like, and I am familiar with the concept of bacon, cheese, onions and beef. These do not require pictures and if they do, guess what? You’re not really eating bacon, cheese, onions or beef.
      2. All of Applebee’s items either “sizzle” or have been “rubbed down”. Similar descriptions are usually found at “Shake and Bake” tanning salons and “massage parlors”. I find this extremely gross and mildly pornographic.
      3. Applebee’s is the chain answer to the ‘hood restaurant. In a number of cities in various hoods, you’ll find some variation of “Prince III’s Fried Chicken”, which will tout on a wrap-around runner that it’s the place to be to get “Pizza, Chicken Wings, Seafood, Chinese Food…and More!”.
        "Today's Ingredient?!: MEDIOCRITTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

        "Today's Ingredient?!: MEDIOCRITTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

        ‘bees is no different as their menu offers everything from quesadillas, to ribs, to pasta dishes to black market babies. All for $12.99 or less.

      4. There’s an amazing abundance of bacon to be found and I’ve never seen so many “world-famous” items cobbled together in one place–how do they afford these chefs, I wondered. And then I saw the pick-up truck labeled “Day Laborers Inc: When U Need Them Fast and Cooperative” pull out the back and head to Olive Garden. Aha.
      5. Items are also described as their “signature____”. I don’t know whose “signature” is going on these dishes, but their writing hand should be cut off, thief-style.

      Anyway, ordering there was a complete travesty. I love hamburgers and sandwiches, but even that’s not easy to order at ‘bees since their hamburger offerings are like the following:

      • Ham-sadilla Burger: We take two of America’s classicest meals–hamburgers and quesadillas–and mash the two together to make our signature “Applebee’s Ham-sadilla” combining the best fight of the cow and whatever animal the quesadilla comes from to make a mouth-watering meal. Comes with fries, onion rings, nacho chips, cheese salsa and Jack Daniel’s E. coli on top off the burger. Add fries to make the meal complete!
      • Mini Bacon Cheeseburgers: Using our patented “Applebee’s Shrink-Ray” we take 3 cows and shrink them down to appetizer size, lop their heads and limbs off and serve them on mini-buns with Shrink-Ray’ed bacon. Served with fries, Applebee’s apple sauce and anti-hallucinogen and radiation pills*. We ask that all customers who order these to wait 10-15mins to make sure that the Shrink-Ray effects don’t reverse themselves. Add marinara sauce, chicken and guacamole for only $1.99! *consumption of Applebee’s Shrink-Ray causes hallucinations, green diarrhea, monster babies, forked tongue, inflammation of the rectum, red eyes of hatred, Keith Urbanitis, razor0-sharp dandruff, involuntary spontaneous copulation and headache. In that order.
      • Grilled Cheese: Classic grilled cheese with three slices of grilled cheese served between Applebee’s signature, world-famous Jack Daniel’s rubbed bacon. Comes with fries and A1 Sauce. Add bread to your sandwich for only $4.99!

      With no clear choice there, and a persistent fear of having monster babies, I opted for a salad instead. Fortunately Applebee’s offers a veritable smorgasbord of salads; 5. But even these sounded gruesome too, as they were all “crusted”, “grilled” or “skeeted”. I finally settled on, no lie, “The Oriental Salad” which apparently means it’s served with fortune cookies, Kimodo balls, Samurai meat and math problems. With soy sauce on top. When I ordered it, the waiter raised an eyebrow and insisted on calling me “miss” the rest of the time for my “dickless order”.

      But I stuck to my nunchuks and got the salad which also came with a complimentary side of french fries and a dozen “chicken stix”.


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