Category Archives: Style Quiz!

Style Quiz!: This one will leave you Pant-ing for more.

Man, it’s been a minute since we’ve done a Style Quiz, here at The Kids…, huh? I know this because now that the weather is higher than 45 degrees, I’m seeing a lot of our brethren out there in some downright ghoulish threads.

I’m starting to think that the warm spring weather dethaws hidden glaciers around the city, and people that have been trapped in said ice blocks for the last, let’s say 15-20 years, come crawling out of the ice and wander the streets like poorly-clad zombies. And then they wander around wanting to “talk” to you and “work” along side of you. Some may even want to “friend” you, but because they’ve been in ice for decades now, they will not understand that we now friend each other through the intimacy of the internet first.

Anyway, this installment of the Style Quiz! is taking it back to the fellas, since so many guurrls out there complained that the last few have been about the hers out there. But that’s a chick for you, right guys? Always bitchin ’bout sometin’.

Learn to be more like us.

Stand up and pee.

Touch yourself while you’re talking to people.

Stare at your girlfriend’s aunt’s taters, or, at your girlfriend’s girlfriend’s taters, or, your girlfriend’s. Got that?

I’m all over the place. Best just do this Style Quiz, don’tcha think? Course you do.

Let’s do this.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Gettin’ Pants-ed.

For the following question(s) please choose the answer that BEST matches your clothing.

1. Please roll back your desk chair. At this point, you can either stand up or remain seated. Adjust pants; make sure there’s no “crotch coagulation” around your junk. Pull any excess material away from crotch area. Smell fingers. Kidding.

2. Now take your hand (your choice which) and grab hold of your pant leg. Gather into a fist. How much material do you have? I have:

a. Just enough to cover my fingertips.

b. Enough material to cover 1/2 of my hand. I look like Winnie the Pooh raiding a beehive

"Oh Christopher Robin--these pants are far too big....."

"Oh Christopher Robin--these pants are far too big....."

c. I have wrapped my entire forearm into the excess material on my pant leg. I look like I am wearing a cast, or have a very large male sex organ.

d. None of the above; I’m not wearing any pants. I am pleasuring myself while reading The Kids…during our staff meeting. I am ‘multi-tasking’.

If you have answered “b” or “c” please answer the next question. If you’ve answered “d”, please get enough goggles for anyone sitting near you still.

3. You sir, are in possession of excess pant-age. Most likely you are one of the options below. Please complete the following phrase by selecting the appropriate response below. “I wear extremely large pants/jeans because_____”:

a. I often hide stolen loaves of bread, children in the folds of my pants

b. I suffer from elephantitis of the lower extremities; please don’t make me answer anymore questions. Or remove my pants.

c. I am air-dropped into my place of employment a la Delta Force

d. Together with K-Ci and Jo-Jo we form ‘Jodeci’

There are a total of 7 women hiding in their pants right now. Feenin'.

There are a total of 7 women hiding in their pants right now. Feenin'.

e. My pants double as a tent. When people ask if I’m “pitching a tent” I say, “why, yes I am right after work thanks to my Gap khakis”.

f. “Hey, it’s me, No Pants Guy. I know you told me I don’t have to answer anymore questions, but dammit, I’m having fun doing this quiz. And yes, I’m still beating this thing like Rodney King.”

And there you have it. The only allowable options for having excess pant-age in this day and age. I’m not advocating swinging to the other end of the spectrum–dear Batman no, we need to continue procreating as a species after all–but a more sensible, closer cut might be a good idea. If your pants can double for a Ringling Bros. act, come with tags that say “As Seen in 50 Cent’s ‘In da Club’ Music Video” or shit, have any affiliation with rappers, or provide enough flack and flap to make you a human flying squirrel–it’s time to re-size yourself and your pants.

Still wearing pants like the above? Real quick, answer these questions then:

"Toro! Toro!"

"Toro! Toro!"

  • Are you Jared from Subway?
  • Are you Bill Bixby?
  • Shooting The Nutty Professor 15: The Klumps Humps?

No? Then change your Bat-damn pants.

Thank you!

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Ugg; it’s time for a Style Quiz!

ugg-with-sweats

Uggs with Sweats= Constant look of "mud butt"

I personally understand the need and desire to find the perfect balance of comfort and style whenever, wherever possible. There are many times at work where I look around and see everyone all uptight and shit in their “suits” and “clean clothes” and I can’t help think, “goddamn I want some diapers and Nike Cortez’s”.

But alas; HR informed me that such attire was “unprofessional”, “lewd” and “ill-fitting due to extreme open-air sack exposure”. An obviously conservative office.

But I do think there’s a limit to such creature comforts in the everyday world, and sadly, some of you ladies are vaulting yourselves over the line.

Don’t believe me? Well then, a quiz is in order. A style quiz, that is, The Kids…style!

Please read the following items closely. Answer each question to the best of your ability.

1. The best way to wear my Ugg boots are:

a. butt-naked

b. with a skirt, you ass

c. with jeans, silly

d. “why with whatever I’m wearing–they’re multi-purpose boots!”

ugg-with-skirts

Geico Cavewoman explores big city, though fears a world "without Mastodons"

End of quiz. It was a trick quiz really, because if you were able to answer #1 at all, it means you’re in possession of Ugg boots and therefore you need to be addressed ASAP.

First of all, please remove your Uggs if you’re wearing them now; deputized The Kids…authorities are headed to your place to burn them. Please do not put up a fight as they are authorized to also burn you.

Now, let’s talk for a moment, face-to-face. I want to know you, Ugg-woman. I want to see into your soul. It’s just you and me now, in a room, facing each other like Coolio and Michelle Pfieffer.

I’m worried about you, Ugg-woman. You seem to wear your Uggs around the year with any outfit.

They’re not meant for that.

No, shh, no stop, just listen, please, just hear me out.

I’ve looked this up. I have. Here at The Kids…HQ we have an extensive, cutting-edge, experimental Google system that allows us to see things any and everywhere with just a click of a button.

We call this system “Giggle”.

rainbow-brite

"Look, tracers....!"

And through Giggle we were able to identify the person(s) that are socially allowed to sport Uggs and Uggs-like shoeware. We’ve crunched all the data after spending hours Giggling and we’ve concluded the following:

Giggling Data Results:

According to Giggle, the following persons are the only ones ok’ed to wear Uggs around-the-clock:

  • Xena, Warrior Princess

    xena

    Xena's after all of you Lawless Ugg-wearers. Also, she has phallic fantasies.

  • Rainbow Brite
  • Ut-Muk, an Eskimo tribal woman

What does this teach us, then? That Uggs are totally fine to wear if you’re a lesbian barbarian, a pre-adolescent Shasta girl or headed into the “main town” to trade whale fat and “adult Eskimo kisses” in exchange for matches and blankets.

Does that really fit you?

You know what constantly wearing Uggs tells the world? Some other possibilities/scenarios:

  • “Hello I am from the forests of Endor”.
  • “I live under a bridge and collect shiny things.”
  • “I enjoy hiding from Gargamel.”
  • “How do you make this ‘fire’ you speak of?”
  • “I forage for raccoon meat and pine nuts.”
  • “I lay with dirty people.”

It also means that you don’t mind that when you take your Uggs off people commonly remark, “did someone just make a hot plate of saurerkraut and fish chips?”.

So it’s time to throw out your foot furs and let them dogs breathe ladies.

So stop making your feet/legs so f-Ugg-ly!

You know, try and get on the good foot.

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The Kids…wants to snuggle with you

So, like many of you, The Kids…has been on vacation for the last couple of weeks, and this has afforded some great time to get re-acquainted with the American excess that is the TV landscape. The mornings, afternoons and late nights watching the boob tube has afforded me the following relevations:

1. Tyra Banks has no business talking in front of a camera.

2. People will watch anything with the word “Dancing” in the title; as a result, I’ve submitted a pilot called, “America’s Best Dancing Coma Patients Revived with Heroin” (hosted by Howie Mandel).

3. MTV has now passed BET on the “culturally embarrassing/indefensible” scale. It has also surpassed Cinemax as “Channel Most Likely to Give You Syphillis Just By Watching It”.

4. Tyra Banks has no business talking in front of a camera. (worth mentioning twice)

But my favorite relevation has been the realm of the informercial, and specifically, it’s current Prince of Profit, “The Snuggie”.

ruby

Ruby even got a color to match her name!

Have you seen this shit? Amazing.

The Snuggie is (click link to see it in action) from what I can tell at least, a body-length fashion mistake.

Apparently, the Snuggie’s intention is to provide people the comfort of a favorite blanket, but without the messy business of reaching for an actual blanket. Plus, you can wear it outside, apparently.

Ingenious, right?

It’s like a cloth telling the world “I have recently escaped a mental institution and should be tasered with reckless abandon”.

Here are the following people most likely to purchase a Snuggie:

1. retired Klan members

"Dear Father, thank You for our Snuggies. Please rid us of the Mexicans down the street and all gays. Oh, and we need more rope. Amen."

"Dear Father, thank You for our Snuggies. Please rid us of the Mexicans down the street and all gays. Oh, and we need more rope. Amen."

2. Druids

3. Eunuchs

4. “sleepy” Power Rangers

5. Ruby from The Style Network

6. that dude in The Da Vinci Code

Also hilarious is the fact that someone’s charging $19.95 for what is essentially a human tarp. And people are buying this! Amazing!

I guess you can get all comfy while you watch my other two new show ideas: “CSI: Portland Oregon” and “Law&Order: Racial Profiling”.

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Style Quiz! #4: Hair Apparent

Time for a new “Style Quiz!”, wouldn’t you say? I would.

Previous style quizzes have examined hands, feet and accessories–technically, the ever-popular “skinny jeans” post could also be considered a “Style Quiz!” entry, too. But we’ve managed to skip over a crucial area in covering it all: hair!

So, get out your pencils (and your combs) and let’s take this quiz. This one’s fairly brief, I think.

Please read the following instructions carefully.

For the purposes of this quiz, please assume the role of a female person of color. If you are already a female person of color, DO NOT assume the role of a white female; please remain a female person of color.

Please proceed.

1. “I am waking up this morning, and I am black/brown woman. Time to do my hair.” In this instance, what colors are most appropriate for your skin tone/type?

a) black like coffee

b) a lighter shade of brown like caramelcrayolacrayons_rg

c) gold like gold

d) copper like a penny or decorative cookware

e) “other” like Crayola boxes

2. *yawn* *stretch* “I am a black/brown woman standing in the bathroom mirror. I rub my eyes, put on my contacts and they are–”

a) a natural brown, black color as I am of African/Caribbean/Hispanic/etc descent

mermaiden

"Wish I could be, part of that world"

b) blue-ish green, like Mer-people

c) shockingly blue and piercing, like a white person, on meth

d) “other” (green, magenta, purple), like pre-schooler’s coloring book

3. Your black/brown woman eyes have now adjusted to the new day. Time to do your hair. What a mess it is! You begin running your fingers through it and–

a) it catches because it has knots in it (you will refer to this as, “nappy”)

b) an assortment of horse-hair/tracks fall out, revealing my jaw-length hair. Once properly re-installed, it is back to being down to the middle of my back. I am Beyonce’ now.

c) pick it up off the dummy’s head on the sink, place it on head. I am now ready for the world.

Please review your answers. If you’ve answered “a” or “b” for #1, and then answered “a” for #2 and #3– Congratulations! –you may join society. Please feel free to explore malls, museums and supermarkets without fear of reprisal or confusion.storm1

If you’ve answered with any other combination, please pause and take a moment to reflect. These other combinations, while readily seen in everyday life, are not appropriate. If someone told me that they saw a woman of color with copper hair, cobalt blue eyes and a horse tail, I would say, “Sir/Madam, you have just seen–”

a. Storm, from the X-Men

b. a Fraggle

c. Margaret Cho

d. Beowulf’s enemy, Grendel

It’s quite clear, isn’t it? There are only certain situations where such appearances are ok for you. They are:

hookrufiowlostboys

a) hanging with Biggie

b) living amongst Peter Pan’s Lost Boys

c) being a Popple.

This is perhaps the only time you’d want to look more “Oprah” than “Tyra”.

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Style Quiz! #3: Resistance is Futile

So after a brief hiatus, The Kids…is back. Let’s all take a collective sigh of relief, huh?

How about another style quiz, eh?

Please read the following questions carefully and answer each one to the BEST of your ability. Choose one answer for each question.

1. I own a cell phone and I keep it:

a) in my pocket for discretion, humility and the general acknowledgement that most people nowadays have cell phones just like me

b) in my bag/purse/bookbag: my jeans are too tight to carry it anywhere else. Plus it ensures at least 40 seconds of “I Kissed A Girl” for others to hear while I fumble to get it.

Standard Starfleet Academy issue

c) in a specially-designed leather-/plastic- shell/pouch located squarely on my hip–it’s Step 1 towards looking like a Star Trek officer

d) at my mother’s house. I am in prison.

If you answered “a” or “b” to question #1, please stop here. If you answered “c” please proceed. If you answered “d”, please log off of The Kids and surf your favorite porn sites as you have limited email access. Thanks for your support though!

2. When my cell phone rings

Psst: Everyone's using us as a ringtone

a) my current favorite Top-40 tune comes on (Estelle, Lil Wayne, Rihanna, P!nk) comes on so that people are aware of my hipness and how in-touch I am with current melodies on the musicbox and internets

b) it is on vibrate as much as possible so it does not annoy friends/family members/sleeping lions at inopportune moments. Also, it sits in my front pocket near my junk to give me a constant arousal that sparks productivity and fantasies of recklessly pleasuring myself at work.

c) I pick up no matter what I am doing at the moment and proceed to talk about last weekend/night/episode of Gossip Girls or how I had someone cover my scrot in chocolate.

Yes, Borg Mother, I hear you: I will bring home fish tacos

d) I press an earpiece on the side of my head and open the cell line. I then talk into space like a mental ward patient. People think that I am an asshat, but really, I am a member of The Borg.

If you answered “a” for #2, you may move on with your day. At worst, your biggest offense is being an obnoxious twit showcasing your inability to choose one of the 40 pre-set ringtones and instead opting for a ringtone (A-mili a-mili a-mili) that only 40,000,000 other people are using.

If you answered “b” for #2, I appreciate both your descretion and your playful willingness to live on the edge during your 9-to-5. However, I will not allow you to touch any of my things.

If you answered “c” to #2, hi Dad!

If you answered “d” to #2, you most likely also answered “c” in #1. If this is you, please put your phaser cell phone holster and earpiece on the ground.

Must...get....signal....to call...Uhura.....for....some booty

Now, picture your foulest, most painful memory–like when the Tribbles overran your officer quarters, or the time that you used the phrase “you people” in front of Lt. Uhura*.

Now step on them. Do it again. Make sure that they are in pieces.

Now pee on them.

I mean really; you do realize that this is merely a cell phone fanny pack, right? And everyone knows how that fad turned out, right? Oh wait, not everyone huh? Those things make you look like some battery-charged dorkbot here to take us all back to the 80’s.

Take me to your leader, asshat!

*As a member of The Borg, you of course were referring to ‘humans’.

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Style Quiz! #2

This short and simple quiz will help you ascertain how others are possibly seeing you.

Please read the following instructions carefully.

Don't let the semi-fresh air and trees fool you: this setting is NOT the outdoors.

1. Roll back your chair.

2. Look at your feet.

3. Please select which of the following types of shoes you’re wearing right now (click links for clarification):

a) I am wearing casual shoes

b) I am wearing formal shoes

c) I am wearing outdoors shoes

4. Now look around you. Which of the following would BEST describe your CURRENT environment/surroundings?

a) “I am reading The Kids… from the comfort of my local cofeeshop. People are ordering coffees and lemon-flavored scones while wearing their iPods. I am out in the public.”

b) “I am reading The Kids… from the confines of my cubicle/office-space. All around me, people are openly talking on their cell-phones about Gossip Girls, fantasy football scores and lining up interviews for new jobs. Some are just at their desk crying. I am at work.”

c) “I am reading The Kids… outdoors on my iPhone. I’ve just finished spelunking/camping/hiking. Brown bears are currently mauling my partner’s face and genitals. I am living off of bison pee and honeycombs until help arrives. I am outdoors.” 

5. Please select which of the following MOST CLOSELY matches what you’re wearing RIGHT NOW.

a) I am wearing casual wear.

....just as THIS setting is not suitable for wingtips.

b) I am wearing work/professional wear.

c) I am wearing outdoorswear/-like clothing.

Let’s review now.

After completing steps 1-2, if you answered “c” for question 3 and never for questions 4-5, the rest of this quiz summary applies to you, Please read. The rest of you can return to your tastefully-matched lives.

Let’s allow them a moment to leave, shall we?

….

….

Ok, fashion maven, it’s just you and The Kids… now.

Take a breath.

Relax.

Take off your shoes.

No, really, take off your shoes.

You’re being detained for worrying the rest of us.

When we see people, like say, the “casual clothes” wearer, with their polos, jeans and sneakers or some equivalent combination, we think, “Now there’s someone I’d let put a baby in me after having a nice conversation at a wine bar”.

When we see the “professional clothes” wearer, with their smart-looking attire, clean-cut appearance, and take-charge air, we think, “Wow, they look like they’re going places and makin’ money along the way. I want to be on them, while they tell me about 401k’s and Fannie Mae.”

Now when we see the “casual clothes” or “professional clothes” wearer mix themselves up with outdoorsman shoes/sandals, we pause and are a little scared. In those situations, we think, “This mofo is about to drop a letter bomb off somewhere. I need to vacate this 20-mile radius”, or, “I bet their lunch-pail is full of raccoon meat and Odwalla bottles.”

You see the difference now? I mean, Lewis&Clark expeditions are great. But you know what’s better? Not riding the subway looking like you’re on the lookout for a good  trout-fishing spot.

Change accordingly.

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Style Quiz!

Quick quiz for guys or for any guy(s) in your life.

1. How would others BEST describe your fingernails?

a) “(Name)’s fingernails stop abruptly at the edges of his fingertips”

b) “(Name)’s fingernails are a little long, and dirty, but ok”

c)”(Name)’s fingernails are the fingernails of a rescued POW”

Long fingernails? This is probably the only "honey" you're getting.

2. Which of the following activities BEST describes you?

a) I forage for honey and eat ticks off my friends’ asses/junk

b) I battle Magneto for the good of mutant- and man-kind

c) I sleep in dirt/coffins/hanging upside down for fear of sunlight and holy water

d) I love anime, Star Wars and WorldCraft. I basically love any hobby that allows me to accumulate a stench and gradually soil my draws

Answers a,b, and c are all acceptable. Congratulations!

Few can have long nails and get away with it.

However, if you’ve answered “d” then we need to talk. If you answered “c” in #1  but none of the options in #2 seem to fit, we need to talk.

As a kid, Pop-Pop told me that junkies had long fingernails to cut up their coke (granted, he told me this as he injected heroin between his toes–we don’t hang out too much now)*.  So, congratulations, you’ve got a junkie on your hands.

Of course, I’ve heard the other reason provided are for guitar players; they grow out their fingernail(s) so that they can play the guitar better.

Hey, Eric Clapton, buy a pick.

Few people are full-time musicians, so while you may crank out some mean tunes after hours, I got news for you: your 9-5 co-workers think you’re a cokehead, or a drag queen.

So you’re still a junkie in most people’s minds.

See how that works?

Tired of being on the outside? Clip the claws, Vlad.

Besides being routinely grossed out by the sight of it, I also can’t take any guy with long fingernails seriously because no matter what they say, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “yeah, but you turn into a bat”.

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