Man, it’s been a minute since we’ve done a Style Quiz, here at The Kids…, huh? I know this because now that the weather is higher than 45 degrees, I’m seeing a lot of our brethren out there in some downright ghoulish threads.
I’m starting to think that the warm spring weather dethaws hidden glaciers around the city, and people that have been trapped in said ice blocks for the last, let’s say 15-20 years, come crawling out of the ice and wander the streets like poorly-clad zombies. And then they wander around wanting to “talk” to you and “work” along side of you. Some may even want to “friend” you, but because they’ve been in ice for decades now, they will not understand that we now friend each other through the intimacy of the internet first.
Anyway, this installment of the Style Quiz! is taking it back to the fellas, since so many guurrls out there complained that the last few have been about the hers out there. But that’s a chick for you, right guys? Always bitchin ’bout sometin’.
Learn to be more like us.
Stand up and pee.
Touch yourself while you’re talking to people.
Stare at your girlfriend’s aunt’s taters, or, at your girlfriend’s girlfriend’s taters, or, your girlfriend’s. Got that?
I’m all over the place. Best just do this Style Quiz, don’tcha think? Course you do.
Let’s do this.
The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Gettin’ Pants-ed.
For the following question(s) please choose the answer that BEST matches your clothing.
1. Please roll back your desk chair. At this point, you can either stand up or remain seated. Adjust pants; make sure there’s no “crotch coagulation” around your junk. Pull any excess material away from crotch area. Smell fingers. Kidding.
2. Now take your hand (your choice which) and grab hold of your pant leg. Gather into a fist. How much material do you have? I have:
a. Just enough to cover my fingertips.
b. Enough material to cover 1/2 of my hand. I look like Winnie the Pooh raiding a beehive
c. I have wrapped my entire forearm into the excess material on my pant leg. I look like I am wearing a cast, or have a very large male sex organ.
d. None of the above; I’m not wearing any pants. I am pleasuring myself while reading The Kids…during our staff meeting. I am ‘multi-tasking’.
If you have answered “b” or “c” please answer the next question. If you’ve answered “d”, please get enough goggles for anyone sitting near you still.
3. You sir, are in possession of excess pant-age. Most likely you are one of the options below. Please complete the following phrase by selecting the appropriate response below. “I wear extremely large pants/jeans because_____”:
a. I often hide stolen loaves of bread, children in the folds of my pants
b. I suffer from elephantitis of the lower extremities; please don’t make me answer anymore questions. Or remove my pants.
c. I am air-dropped into my place of employment a la Delta Force
d. Together with K-Ci and Jo-Jo we form ‘Jodeci’
e. My pants double as a tent. When people ask if I’m “pitching a tent” I say, “why, yes I am right after work thanks to my Gap khakis”.
f. “Hey, it’s me, No Pants Guy. I know you told me I don’t have to answer anymore questions, but dammit, I’m having fun doing this quiz. And yes, I’m still beating this thing like Rodney King.”
And there you have it. The only allowable options for having excess pant-age in this day and age. I’m not advocating swinging to the other end of the spectrum–dear Batman no, we need to continue procreating as a species after all–but a more sensible, closer cut might be a good idea. If your pants can double for a Ringling Bros. act, come with tags that say “As Seen in 50 Cent’s ‘In da Club’ Music Video” or shit, have any affiliation with rappers, or provide enough flack and flap to make you a human flying squirrel–it’s time to re-size yourself and your pants.
Still wearing pants like the above? Real quick, answer these questions then:
- Are you Jared from Subway?
- Are you Bill Bixby?
- Shooting The Nutty Professor 15: The Klumps Humps?
No? Then change your Bat-damn pants.