And so, here we are at the final three. Finit.
Romeo and Juliet’s poison scene.
Take a deep breath, and if you’re really that upset, revisit parts 1, 2 and 3.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…..
3. Mr. Banner (Father of Bruce Banner, The Incredible Hulk)
Dr. Banner tests the gamma bomb.
Dr. Banner gets surprised from behind.
Bruce Banner was a geeky scientist who gets caught up in his own gamma bomb testing, flooding his body with so much radiation that in fits of anger he turns into Mel Gibson The Incredible Hulk–a monstrously big, green creature that you don’t want to have over for Mexican food, and certainly wouldn’t enjoy being on the receiving end of a hatef-ck.
But, as Heath Ledger famously asked, ‘why so angry?’.
Turns out that young Bruce was raised by a stern, abusive father who abused alcohol, his son, and the entire world around him. Instead of funneling all that agression into making, say, ‘Thriller’ or even ‘Mean Girls’, he pushed it all down and became a government scientist, his anger not arising until the gamma bomb unleashed it all in the form of Hulk.
The Hulk hatef-cks NYC
Makes sense. I mean anyone who’s had an Irish Car Bomb or two (or 27) in one night can probably relate on some level, yeah? Hell, I’ve seen at least 30 girls in college that turned into raging sluts just after having a Shirley Temple.
Hulk is so wildly out-of-control it’s amazing to learn he’s not an Austrailan actor; he ‘s been on several rampages over the course of his career, wrecking more things than Russell Crowe and Christian Bale combined.
He’s had a particular hard-on for NYC–his been his preferred place of destruction for the better part of the 30+ years he’s been around. All told, the Hulk ranks as one of the all-time biggest ruiners of NYC, just look:
CNN’s List of Biggest Ruiners of New York City
- King Kong
- Rudy Guiliani
- ‘Empire State of Mind’ song
- Isaiah Thomas
…and there you have it. One of the greatest cities in the world (second only to Trenton, NJ) laid waste by the Hulk, who only narrowly edges out that Bat-awful song by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, though I could be easily swayed to switch their spots–you can rebuild buildings, but it’s hard to rehab taste.
2. Thomas and Martha Wayne (The Parents of Bruce Wayne, The Batman)
Cheap. That’s what I think whenever I think of the Waynes.
Why cheap? Simple.
Who needs cabs? Downtown Gotham's so scenic!
Dr. Thomas Wayne, one of the richest guys in Gotham City wants to have a nice Family Night withwife Martha, and soon-to-be-really-fugging-weird 10 yr old son, Bruce. Before we get any further though, I want to stress that the Waynes are rich. Like their own gated community rich. Like, white butler rich. I mean, white hired help? Shit, we haven’t seen that white-on-white arrangement since Mrs. Garrett, and even she called it quits and started a girl-on-girl boarding house with Tooty and Blair.
So, for Family Night, what does Dr. Thomas Wayne do? He takes the fam to the movies out in downtown Gotham which is sorta like suggesting a quiet night in downtown Juarez. Now, I’ve seen enough episodes of MTV Cribs to know that any self-respecting rich person doesn’t go to the movies–they have their own movie theatre at home. I mean if Souljah Boy can have an in-home theatre, why can’t the Waynes?
"Olive Garden--when you're here, you're family!"
On top of that, when Bruce decides he wants to leave the movie early, Dr. Wayne takes them through the back door of the theatre, which empties right into a back alley. You know what happens in back alleys? Fools shootin’ craps, rat BJ’s and hooker sex aided with movie butter popcorn. But no, Dr. Dollar here decides, “hey, this is a great shortcut to the Olive Garden”.
The alleyway is, no lie, called Crime Alley (fortunately, “Stabbing Street” was shutdown due to construction).
And because Thomas Wayne, a guy rich enough to buy the actors in the movie and have them make it out for the Waynes, a guy whose huose parties probably inspired Eyes Wide Shut, a guy who has at his whim a butler who serves as a waiter, a cleaner, a driver, and hey, yeah, a ‘fishing buddy’, is too cheap to call a cab or even whistle for his manservant, they run into a robber.
Bang down goes Thomas.
Bang down goes Martha.
Bang there goes the birth of the Batman. Worst. Family. Night. Ever. He’s never recovered.
1. The -Els and the Kents (Parents of Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman)
When Kryptonians pack for the End of Days and you’ve got one chance to save your son’s life, you pack the following:
- blanket with family crest on it
....and then the 3 Wise Men came.
- Blue’s Clues books
- So You’re Having An Alien: A guide to raising your discovered baby
- memento from home–Kryptonian rock
Jor-El savvily sends son Kal-El to Earth where he will have a leg-up on everyone else–it’s like when middle-class families send their kids to under-performing schools so they can graduate as valedictorians.
But he also sent fragments of Krypton with lil’ Kal-El; apparently even in his last moments Jor-El was still bitter that wife Lara lied about being on the pill.
A normal mortal would smash this. Not Supes!
Kal-El crash-lands in Kansas, is raised by Jonathan and Martha Kent–who quickly change his name from the “Obama sounding” Kal-El to a much more inoffensive “Clark”, and constantly keep his powers in check by, I dunno, putting Kryptonite powder in his cereal. No flying, no lifting, no X-ray vision to look through Lana Lang’s dress, no powers at all–unless he’s doing work on the farm!
Jor-El does this every time he walks into a room.
And Jor-El? The only time we see Jor-El after that is once Clark/Kal’s makes a name for himself on Earth as Superman. Jor-El pops up like deadbeat dad Denzel Washington in He Got Game trying to be all cool, and in need of someone to co-sign on that Krypton space-car he’s had an eye on.
In the end, all three of these parents conspired to create the world’s strongest, most powerful–bumbling, celibate reporter. This is sorta like God asking Jesus to not turn water into wine, cure leoprasy and instead focus on getting a management job at H&M.
What a waste. A waste!
Worst parents ever.