Tag Archives: Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys: Octomom

Don't feed after midnight.

If you hadn’t heard by now, Alicia Keys, Grammy-award-winning music-harpy, is pregnant with Swizz Beatz’ (famed hip-hop producer that resembles something between Star Wars concept art and an Middle Eastern Pinocchio) baby.

Normally such news calls for congratulations and, if you have a Facebook account, an opportunity to do creepy shit like change your profile pic to your first sonogram.

But here at The Kids headquarters, I see it as just another attempt by Keys to get people to swoon over her.

First of all, it should be noted that Keys and Beats got together after Keys played an instrumental part in breaking up Swizz’s marriage.

Wait, that's not Alicia! Maybe....

According to reports, Keys and Beatz (I love going back and forth between calling him “Beatz” or “Swizz”) met while collaborating on some music, and during that time together, she apparently convinced Swizz that the screeching sound that he heard in the listening booth wasn’t (just) her singing voice but her Heart Singing too.

And apparently Keys dug Beatz’ swagger so much she let him stay over at some point, bang her Keys and see her minus the Proactiv, eventually getting knocked up. This will be Beatz’ 3rd or 4th child–ah, I can’t remember son, too busy countin’ these Swizz Beatz hits!–which just goes to show you that even in this day and age, at the end of the day, people are still using a Swizz Army Knife as their go-to tool.

...oops! Still not Alicia!

Unsurprisingly, people are all curious about the sex of the child, though I find myself much more worried what Keys will give birth to.

Let’s look at the likely outcomes of an Alicia Keys baby:

  • another “Empire State of Mind” or worse yet,
  • “Alicia Keys Discography”, but most likely,
  • “Godzilla”

BABY KEYS HATE THOUGHTFUL CRITICISM OF MOMMY'S MUSIC

That’s about it. That’s our choices. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t want to live in a world with Godzilla in it, and certainly don’t want one with “Empire State of Mind” in it.

What at least comforts me is knowing that a baby will pull Keys out of the spotlight at least through the larvae stage.

As for Swizz Beatz?

Well, if history’s any indication, he’s probably already making hits with Lady GaGa.

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All the Wrong Keys

“I want a piano to fall on Alicia Keys and put an end to her musical career.”

I uttered these words to some co-workers one day, and I do not regret them.

burning piano

Keys gives a burning sensation.

I never will.

I’ve tried to like Keys; I mean, if her thighs and Beyonce’s were to engage in a sumo match, Keys’ would pin those suckers faster’n you could say “Jay-Z”. But as longtime followers of The Kids…will note, The Kids…doesn’t support the presence, artistry, or general shittery of Alicia Keys. Her voice is the kind of voice that you hear at churches, community talent shows and state penn conjugal visit trailers—if it’s really loud, it’s really good, right?

As a matter of fact, here’s a brief list of things that The Kids…would sooner support instead of Alicia Keys:

  1. sex trafficking
  2. the GOP
  3. overnight stays at the Hotel Rwanda
  4. lynching
  5. Applebee’s
  6. fire-branding your children

That’s about it. Alicia Keys would probably fall somewhere very, very low on the list; just beneath”watching zombies devour my mother” and a smidge above “drinking lemonade from an R. Kelly lemonade stand”.

Hey, here’s a quick fun quiz for you. The following are examples of Keys’ lyrics and some random teenage poetry that found.  Spot the real Keys lyrics and which one is the teen poetry. No Googling to help you out, either.

Example #1:

keys450

...and when you put her out, she smokes! So diva like!

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feelin’
No one but me and you

Only we know what is talked about, baby boy
I don’t know how you could be driving me so crazy
Baby when you’re in town
Why don’t you come around?
I’ll be the loyalty you need
You can trust me

Example #2:

all at once…
i had it all but
it doesn’t mean anything
now that you’re gone
from above seems i had it all
but it doesn’t mean anything
since you’re gone

Example #3

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn’t be it shouldn’t be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

Ok. Done. Finished. Pencils down.

The results:

Example #1…..Alicia Keys lyrics

Example #2….Alicia Keys lyrics

Example #3…..Alicia Keys lyrics

There you go, suckers. All that shit was from the pen of the piano-playing, scrotum-splitting voice of the mediocre Keys. Hers is the stuff of My So-Called Talent Life. I mean really; the only people who’ll find such lyrics deep are high school dropouts,  Hallmark employees and pedophiles. Those lyrics read like an open diary on That’s So Raven!.

alicia-keys_file1b

Clive Davis' own living legend, Alicia Keys

And if that wasn’t enough, Alicia Keys turned her brand-name shitness into a lecture series at NYU, UCLA–a move that swiftly reduced both institutions’ ranking in the U.S News & World Report College Rankings list, just look:

766. Hogwarts (House of Slytherin Campus)

767. Lincoln Tech, (Columbia, MD campus)

768. UCLA

768. University of Phoenix (any campus)

769. Towson University

770. NYU

Her lecture series,  “The Elements of Freedom” (sponsored by Proactiv), “coincidentally” shares the same name of her upcoming album due out in December.

Let’s hear it for NY, huh?

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