Tag Archives: Barack Obama

The POTUS Menace

When Baracky took office a few months back, I was worried that he wouldn’t inspire the same fear and evoke the same power as George “Yosemite Sam” Bush did. I mean, after all, Baracky seemed like the kind of guy that if you pissed him off he’d say “Kids… I’m very, very disappointed in you. Finish your vegetables, and go to straight to bed. No Wynton Marsalis hum-alongs tonight”.

He’s the kind of guy that would use terms like “mister” or “young lady” when addressing people with scorn–which was why it was so crucial that he got Uncle Joe Biden as Veep, since UJB probably uses dress-downs like “pansy”, “broad” and “tramp”. I mean, really; I’m much more afraid of Michelle “dickpuncher” Obama than the actual POTUS. Where B.O. is all “disappointment” and “veggies”, Michelle is probably most likely to spank you in front of hanging portraits of Cleveland or something, all the while watching Oprah with a cool detachment that can only be described as “BTK-like”. This contrast is best captured in the pic below, taken at a Michelle-scheduled impromptu tryout for Ted Kennedy’s open seat held at the White House:

Obamas Wrestle

Barack: "Oh, careful boys!"

Just look at the two of them: Baracky’s virtually hiding behind Michelle with an “Oh my! That must hurt!” look–he’s like that black chick that Michael Jackson takes to the movies in Thriller.

And then there’s Michelle. Cooly watching the scene with a dark, murderous glee that makes you wish she hadn’t lost the role to Gary Oldman in Coppola’s Dracula. Her look is one of cruel amusement, and a face that seems to say, “I want to see one of these men bleed”. She’s like a Phoenix’s Commodus lording over Crowe’s Maximus Austrialianus Assholus Drunkus.

But that was apparently the old Barack. The one that wanted to appear on t-shirts, buttons and tampons. The new Barack Obama–the one that’s tired of hearing Michelle say “Bat-dammit Barack, you Smurf me likeĀ  POTUS Bush, when I want that Clinton kind of Smurfing…”–he’s stepping into the ring now, as evidenced during his Health(s)care speech, when he issued a bounty on anyone in Congress that twisted the words or intentions of his plan to use–actually I’m not sure what exactly, but I think it combined the use of the Care Bear Stare, tax cuts and an impending sneaker deal–to reform our nation’s healthcare industry.

This one’s taking the fight to fools, beating them off quick and hard, like your mother.

No more of that “pen is mightier than the sword” schtick:

imaginary sword

En garde with my strong diction!

He’s playing for keeps now! Now he’s watching over fights, like this death-match between UJB and Joe Wilson:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate."

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate."

And then, when UJB fell, Barack Smoothtalker stepped in himself to thwart Darth Wilson:

barack skywalker

"It would appear as though my Barack is bigger than yours."

and in his bloodlust, surprised all the attendees by turning on the Emperor(ess), Vader-style:

Michelle: If you strike me, I will return stronger than before...

Michelle: "Barack, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine..."

It was a move that, naturally, stunned the crowd of spectators and press people alike. But in a savvy attempt to redeem himself, Barack reached into his magic bag (last seen during the elections) and offered the magical Golden Compass to Murderball Junior League’ :

golden compassFour more years! Four more years!

*Chewbacca roar*

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Absentee Note

OBAMA/

"Stop, Michele...stop...let ME hold it...dammit....!"

The other day, t-shirt magnate, Barack Obama, was in Wisconsin attending a townhall meeting. After calmly explaining several times that he was not there to introduce Brett Favre, he went on to president-ing. Anyway, while he was there, it was brought to his attention that there was a young girl in attendance who’d missed school to see Brett Favre’s return to the Packers.

Feeling bad for her, Barack Obama wrote her a note to show her teacher at school.

tom-myspace

"Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

If it was me I’d write a note saying: “Dear Teacher, We’re transferring your job to New Orleans school district, effective 20mins after receiving this note. I am POTUS so I don’t even need to know your name. Pack your bags, you’re headed to the Big Easy. POTUS, out.”

–just to keep’em honest. Like Anderson Cooper.

bill_clinton

"Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

Anyway, 10 yr-old Kennedy Corpus, who sounds like a porn star from the pages of Goose Bumps, got this note from Barack Obama instead: “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”

A fine note if you’re Barack Obama, but imagine if this note came from someone else.

“Who?”, you ask? A fine question. Let’s look.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Kennedy Corpus’ List of People Girls Shouldn’t Get That Absent Note From:

  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Bill Clinton
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Chris Brown
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–American Apparel photographer

    kobe grin

    "Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Gary Condit
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–“Tom”, from MySpace
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–OJ
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Roman Polanski
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”-Kobe Bryant
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Woody Allen
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–R. Kelly

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Quick Hits 2: The Bitch Is Back

So I thought again, largely because my brain is so mind-Smurfed from taxes and life right now, that we’d do another edition of “Quick Hits” here: just a few get-in-get-out takes on things that

Em's got one hand on the mic and one on his 'Slim Shady'.

Em's got one hand on the mic and one on his 'Slim Shady'.

are going on around the way……

Here we go!

  • In the midst of the nation’s worst economic crisis to date, there are tons of people, smart qualified people, looking for work. And who does Obama go and hire? Kumar. F*cking Kumar. He’s proving to be a “green” President more and more. Kumar’s first
    "Yeah so I'm here representing President Bu--no, no wait, Clint--yes, yeah Clint Eastwood."

    "Yeah so I'm here representing President Bu--no, no wait, Clint--yes, yeah Clint Eastwood."

    day in office? 4/20. Ah, poor Harold.

  • Reasons to hate Eminem: 1. his music’s corny 2. his voice is second to only Alicia Keys in terms of
    inspiring infertility 3. D-12 4. sharing his apparent Halloween Facebook pics with XXL Magazine. I am fully convinced that Eminem masturbates to himself. And maybe to posters of Dr. Dre, too.
  • Richard Pryor isn’t dead; he’s the starting point guard for the 76ers. And they’re going to the playoffs! This makes up for “Brewster’s Millions”…..but not “Harlem Nights”.

pryor76075203FM041_76ERS_MAGIC

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized