Tag Archives: Bark-Bark

Candles, Leg Blown at Vick Birthday Party

Is there any worse Evite than the one that says, “Michael Vick Invites You To….”?

Vick; winning over PETA!

In the past that Evite would’ve said something like “Come to my house and chill on Aug 20th. I’ve got the beer and chips covered, you bring any unused dogs you don’t want.” A Michael Vick party is probably the only celebrity/athlete party where it’s probably a good idea to make it a Netflix night instead. I mean why go to Vick’s place when you can catch it all on Cops anyway?

As if dog-fighting (“they were playing! They were just dogs being dogs!”) wasn’t enough, after spending a year or so recuperating his image with the public–making TMZ.com-type appearances shopping with dogs, decorating X-Mas trees with dogs, teaching dogs to drive, and being Donovan McNabb’s b-tch–Vick decides to throw a party for his 30th birthday.

All was going well for most of the night–the weed bin was surely flowing like oh-so-much soda fountain, the strippers were still riding their coke high, and at least 8 Madden tournaments were happening on XBoxes–until, needless to say, someone looked around and said, “this 30th party needs a board game or something, and by ‘a board game or something’ I mean I’m about to shoot someone in the leg.”

Now to be fair, this gentleman might’ve done it just so he could keep track of who he drove to the party with–I’m sure there were a lot of guys wearing knee-length white tees, and after awhile, everyone must start to look like Casper. Plus, it’s a great convo starter with people there that you don’t know.

“Hey man, nice bullet wound; where’d you get that?”

“Parking lot.”

"Tape make Kev's head tickle."

The guy who was shot that night decided not to press charges, though several eye-witness reports claim that South Philly native Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog was seen squatting behind bushes with a “gun-shaped” object clenched between his teeth.

When reached for a comment, Bark-Bark merely had this to say, “If I was at that party, I wouldn’t have had a gun. But if I would’ve had one, I’d’ve been aiming for Michael Vick. And if I was aiming for Vick, I’d probably miss on account of me not having any f-cking fingers to point this gun in the right direction.”

"You'll never catch me, coppers!"

Bark-Bark was brought in for questioning, along with Plaxico Burress and Mel Gibson just on the grounds that he’s purely bat-shit lately, but was later released when a fellow dog showed up in KKK robes demanding he be released and not left to “consort and rot in these cells filled with so much blackdom”.

And with the shooting victim unwilling to cooperate (“I’d have you know that I brought this bullet in my leg with me, thank u very much”)

All in all, it makes for some tough times in Philadelphia: the city and Vick are becoming more and more intertwined as many citizens haven’t been fooled by the Eagles’ management that it was Vick that left for D.C. and McNabb that’s stayed here.

I have friends who are applying to get a dog of their own to have, and I’ve forewarned them: take any trace of Michael Vick out of your home before the SPCA come to visit and determine whether you’re dog-worthy or not. This was my advice:

  1. Get rid of any black Eagles’ pictures–I don’t care if it’s Randall Cunningham, Herschel Walker, or Charles Barkley with feathers–don’t confuse them.
  2. Throw out any bottles of Vick’s Cough Syrup, Vick’s Vapor Rub, and definitely Vick’s Obedient Dog Treats
  3. As a matter of fact, throw out anything that’s Vick-sounding: if you have any copies of ‘Victor/Victoria’, replace them with ‘Tootsie’. Just as good. That copy of Invictus? Apartheid that shit pronto. I’ll give you a copy of Hoosiers. Same story.

There’s still a chance that they’ll Vick-it-up but I can at least know that I’ve done my part.

And now I ask that the Eagles organization do their part: cut Michael Vick. Like now. I mean he’s no loss now, right? I’ve seen him play since coming to Philly; his arm’s about as strong and accurate as Stephen Hawking’s, and he’s about as nimble, too.

"Reading make Kev's head tingle on inside. Want pizza."

Besides, we have to start the Kevin Kolb Era now; he looks like he’d rather spend his birthday at Dave & Buster’s or maybe getting his free Book It! pizza at Pizza Hut. I mean, he’s still learning how to read! We can build on this.

Even Bark-Bark likes him.

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The Dark Knight Returns

In a city that prides itself on shooting first, it was only natural that the 76ers re-signed their most popular sports figure of the last decade or so:

Iverson sends a message to the Grizzlies, Nuggets and Pistons

Allen Iverson.

It made sense for a lot of reasons, too:

Roster Problems:

The 76ers, (now) at a 5-15 and losing their starting PG Lou Williams for about 8 weeks now, were in desperate need for some PG help now. Yes, they’ve got rookie Jrue Holiday, but when your 2nd-string hopes rely on someone whose name sounds like one of Santa’s ghetto elves, you might want to start looking at the free agent pool. Plus, moving Jrue into the starting lineup made the 76ers’ bench thinner than Mischa Barton. Now that they’ve signed Iverson, they’re thicker’n Khloe Kardashian, or as I like to call her, “Khlodom”.

Marketing and Attendance:

Before announcing the return of Iverson the 76ers were next to last in the league in terms of arena attendance at games. This happened despite a spate of creative, yet destined-to-fail marketing ploys like:

  • Paying Atlantic City bus drivers to secretly re-direct the buses of people to the Wachovia Center on the nights of home games, which inadvertently inspired…..

    Support your local sports team!

  • “AK-47-6ers Night”: where fans could bring in guns for seats at home games. This unfortunately backfired (heh) when 76ers employees used the guns to shoot themselves and AK-47-6ers night brought in more kids than adults.
  • Painting the 76ers tickets to look like Phillies tickets
  • Before the Eagles landed him, the 76ers actually signed Michael Vick which was later overruled by their mascot, Big Shot, who revealed in a press statement that he was actually in a relationship with Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog

Scoring/Excitement:

Have you seen a 76ers’ game lately? Of course you haven’t; you were probably doing more entertaining things like counting your recycled soup cans, or transcribing episodes of Chelsea Lately for your personal library. Well, it hasn’t been fun. Well, no that’s not true, it’s been awesome if you enjoy headlines like, “Elton Brand Out with Hamstring!”, or “Samuel Dalembert Exposed: Not an Alien!”. It’s also been fun listening to new head coach Eddie Jordan’s post-game chats with the press, where you learn that we’ve got a “really great group of guys” and “chemistry issues”, “lots of energy, but we’ve got to learn how to finish better” and other quotes that make the 76ers sound like a recording session with ‘N Synch. At this point, Big Shot’s scoring and winning more than the 76ers. I know this because Big Shot is a rabbit and rabbits like to f*ck. It’s science.

I will ride you Allen....so that one day....you may ride me......

But now with A.I. back on the team, the 76ers have a real chance to score again. Ivesron’s career average of 27 points/game will provide a much-needed boost to the team’s scoring. Of course, since Iverson doesn’t like to pass, there’s a good chance that the 76ers team will now average 27 points a game, thus losing every game remaining this season. Plus it could be a historic season for Iverson: at 24,000 points, he’s close to closing in on Wilt Chamberlain’s scoring total (28,000 Asian women; 31,000 NBA points).

All together, the 76ers and Iverson would’ve been fools to pass on this opportunity. I mean, it’s not like they got an aging, fat, cross-eyed center to save their season–they’re bringing the scrappiest guy to ever slip on a 76ers jersey back! A.I. is Philly’s Dark Knight; swooping into town in the thick of night to save the city from itself. Like Batman, or Heath Ledger in Knight’s Tale. He’ll stride up in some pimped-out knight’s armor, riding Dikeme Mutombo (it’s only fair since Dikembe rode him to the Finals back in ’01), lift up his knight’s visor, hold out his hand, and say to Philly, “hop on bitch, we’re riding”.

Like a knight.

And they’re still honoring painted Phillies tickets.

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