Tag Archives: Batman

List o’ the Week: Worst Superhero Parents #3-1

And so, here we are at the final three. Finit.

End game.

The Deathstar.

Romeo and Juliet’s poison scene.

Take a deep breath, and if you’re really that upset, revisit parts 1, 2 and 3.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…..

3. Mr. Banner (Father of Bruce Banner, The Incredible Hulk)

Dr. Banner tests the gamma bomb.

Dr. Banner gets surprised from behind.

Bruce Banner was a geeky scientist who gets caught up in his own gamma bomb testing, flooding his body with so much radiation that in fits of anger he turns into Mel Gibson The Incredible Hulk–a monstrously big, green creature that you don’t want to have over for Mexican food, and certainly wouldn’t enjoy being on the receiving end of a hatef-ck.

But, as Heath Ledger famously asked, ‘why so angry?’.

Turns out that young Bruce was raised by a stern, abusive father who abused alcohol, his son, and the entire world around him. Instead of funneling all that agression into making, say, ‘Thriller’ or even ‘Mean Girls’, he pushed it all down and became a government scientist, his anger not arising until the gamma bomb unleashed it all in the form of Hulk.

The Hulk hatef-cks NYC

Makes sense. I mean anyone who’s had an Irish Car Bomb or two (or 27) in one night can probably relate on some level, yeah? Hell, I’ve seen at least 30 girls in college that turned into raging sluts just after having a Shirley Temple.

Hulk is so wildly out-of-control it’s amazing to learn he’s not an Austrailan actor; he ‘s been on several rampages over the course of his career, wrecking more things than Russell Crowe and Christian Bale combined.

He’s had a particular hard-on for NYC–his been his preferred place of destruction for the better part of the 30+ years he’s been around. All told, the Hulk ranks as one of the all-time biggest ruiners of NYC, just look:

CNN’s List of Biggest Ruiners of New York City

  1. King Kong
  2. Rudy Guiliani
  3. 9/11
  4. Hulk
  5. ‘Empire State of Mind’ song
  6. Isaiah Thomas

…and there you have it. One of the greatest cities in the world (second only to Trenton, NJ) laid waste by the Hulk, who only narrowly edges out that Bat-awful song by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, though I could be easily swayed to switch their spots–you can rebuild buildings, but it’s hard to rehab taste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Thomas and Martha Wayne (The Parents of Bruce Wayne, The Batman)

Cheap. That’s what I think whenever I think of the Waynes.

Cheap.

Why cheap? Simple.

Who needs cabs? Downtown Gotham's so scenic!

Dr. Thomas Wayne, one of the richest guys in Gotham City wants to have a nice Family Night withwife Martha, and soon-to-be-really-fugging-weird 10 yr old son, Bruce. Before we get any further though, I want to stress that the Waynes are rich. Like their own gated community rich. Like, white butler rich. I mean, white hired help? Shit, we haven’t seen that white-on-white arrangement since Mrs. Garrett, and even she called it quits and started a girl-on-girl boarding house with Tooty and Blair.

So, for Family Night, what does Dr. Thomas Wayne do? He takes the fam to the movies out in downtown Gotham which is sorta like suggesting a quiet night in downtown Juarez. Now, I’ve seen enough episodes of MTV Cribs to know that any self-respecting rich person doesn’t go to the movies–they have their own movie theatre at home. I mean if Souljah Boy can have an in-home theatre, why can’t the Waynes?

"Olive Garden--when you're here, you're family!"

On top of that, when Bruce decides he wants to leave the movie early, Dr. Wayne takes them through the back door of the theatre, which empties right into a back alley. You know what happens in back alleys? Fools shootin’ craps, rat BJ’s and hooker sex aided with movie butter popcorn. But no, Dr. Dollar here decides, “hey, this is a great shortcut to the Olive Garden”.

The alleyway is, no lie, called Crime Alley (fortunately, “Stabbing Street” was shutdown due to construction). 

And because Thomas Wayne, a guy rich enough to buy the actors in the movie and have them make it out for the Waynes, a guy whose huose parties probably inspired Eyes Wide Shut, a guy who has at his whim a butler who serves as a waiter, a cleaner, a driver, and hey, yeah, a ‘fishing buddy’, is too cheap to call a cab or even whistle for his manservant, they run into a robber.

The result?

Bang down goes Thomas.

Bang down goes Martha.

Bang there goes the birth of the Batman. Worst. Family. Night. Ever. He’s never recovered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. The -Els and the Kents (Parents of Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman)

When Kryptonians pack for the End of Days and you’ve got one chance to save your son’s life, you pack the following:

  • blanket with family crest on it

    ....and then the 3 Wise Men came.

  • Blue’s Clues books
  • So You’re Having An Alien: A guide to raising your discovered baby
  • memento from home–Kryptonian rock

Jor-El savvily sends son Kal-El to Earth where he will have a leg-up on everyone else–it’s like when middle-class families send their kids to under-performing schools so they can graduate as valedictorians.

 But he also sent fragments of Krypton with lil’ Kal-El; apparently even in his last moments Jor-El was still bitter that wife Lara lied about being on the pill.

A normal mortal would smash this. Not Supes!

Kal-El crash-lands in Kansas, is raised by Jonathan and Martha Kent–who quickly change his name from the “Obama sounding” Kal-El to a much more inoffensive “Clark”, and constantly keep his powers in check by, I dunno, putting Kryptonite powder in his cereal. No flying, no lifting, no X-ray vision to look through Lana Lang’s dress, no powers at all–unless he’s doing work on the farm!

Jor-El does this every time he walks into a room.

And Jor-El? The only time we see Jor-El after that is once Clark/Kal’s makes a name for himself on Earth as Superman. Jor-El pops up like deadbeat dad Denzel Washington in He Got Game trying to be all cool, and in need of someone to co-sign on that Krypton space-car he’s had an eye on.

In the end, all three of these parents conspired to create the world’s strongest, most powerful–bumbling, celibate reporter. This is sorta like God asking Jesus to not turn water into wine, cure leoprasy and instead focus on getting a management job at H&M.

What a waste. A waste!

Worst parents ever.

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List o’ the Week: Worst Superhero Parents #5-4

5. Reed and Sue Richards (The Parents of Franklin and Valeria Richards)

Speaking of “bad spaceship rides”, take a ride with sometime with mad skillz scientist Reed Richards; you might come back as:

  • The Human Torch (Johnny Storm): constant burning sensation, and questionable sexual identity (“Flame on!”)
  • The Thing (Ben Grimm): strong like bull! Like an overdose of Cialis, permanently hard and ironically unable to make love to a woman
  • The Invisible Woman (Sue Richards): you thought a woman was invisible in the 1960’s? Well sister, you don’t know invisible until you meet the Invisible Woman

….Reed on the other hand, “tragically” ends up with the power to stretch any part of his body. On what I’m sure is a totally unrelated note, he and Sue Richards soon marry and have two kids: Franklin and going-to-be-a-super-powered-stripper-with-this-name, Valeria.

It’s already hard enough to have parents who escape to outer space and other dimensions when you need help with your pasta-paste project, Reed and Sue are bad parents just for letting their kids live with them in the Baxter Building–headquarters to the Fantastic Four, a building that gets attacked more often than Sarah Palin (who I wish could turn invisible).

Sue: Mm; you taste of algae and soda cans Namor: And you taste of suburban marital displeasure, my dear.

Panel 2: Reed and Sue exchange pained pleasantries about their Atlantean-looking child. In the last panel, Sue shuts her eyes and can only pray for the lie she's about to live.

In addition, even when your mom’s there, she’s not there (on account of the invisibilty); a power that Sue uses to slip out and make-out with Namor, the Sub-Mariner (think Aquaman crossed with the looks of say, Star Trek’s Dr. Spock) who apparently lives right off of Coney Island, because he and Sue Richards see each other all the time it seems. Plus, probably due to Daddy and Mommy Four’s exposure to space herpes, poor firstborn Franklin Richards is curiously struck with what I like to call “Webster’s Disease”–born about 30 years ago (our time) he’s only about 10 years old. Can you imagine that? Your dad can create robots that talk, gadgets that can kill planet-eating gods, create holes in time to travel to other dimensions…….but you’re still hung like a worker ant.

The Search for Reed Richards begins in Namor's trousers....!

This in a world where your parents hang out with hotties like Storm, Spider-Woman and yeah, even She-Hulk if you’re into that sort of thing, and they’re basically your age at this point but no, no, no your parents would rather you dodge lasers from Dr. Doom and each weird shit from other planets like Martian feces because dammit Franklin, it builds character and if you don’t button-up and fly right, we’ll send you to the that Xavier Institute where the kids are like the Lost Boys of Sudan and you don’t want that do you (but you do, yeah you do ’cause you wanna make it rain with Storm)?

This in a world where your mom’s like, “I’ll be right back, I’ve got to run to the Nth Dimension to get some milk” but then, then you see her down at the docks leaning over the pier, sucking face with that mer-man Namor, only it’s really f-cking weird because only her head’s visible–the rest of her body is invisible–so there she is, f-cking Floating Head Mom tongue-searching for the Lost City of Atlantis inside Little Nemo’s mouth and hey, hey, hey Daddy Reed will tell you it’s science baby, it’s all science.

And that is why they’re bad parents.

4. The Flying (?) Graysons (The Parents of Dick Grayson)

Well, they clearly suck for naming you “Dick”. Let’s just get that out of the way right now. Second, the Graysons suck for raising their boy in the circus. The circus! The circus is about the #5 worst place to raise your child, just look:

Yahoo! List of Worst Places to Raise Your Dick

  1.  in church
  2. in school
  3. in court
  4. in West Philadelphia
  5. in a circus

Hard to argue with Yahoo!, isn’t it? So yeah, The Flying Graysons did a high-wire trapeze act, and in a stunt straight outta reality show TV, they got their son involved, too. So there’s their son, getting tossed around in the air, back and forth, back and forth on the trapeze. And there’s those two grinning jackasses–look at them overhead!–tossing their Dick around like he’s nothing.

Dick practices the "trust fall" with his parents

And what happens? I’ll tell you what happens. Dick Grayson gets to watch his parents plummet to their death during one of their trapeze acts. This happens because some mob guys working for, I dunno, let’s say Cirque Du Soleil, show up pre-show and cut the wires just enough for An Accident. So there’s little limp Dick watching his parents complete the Karma Sutra Toss (“remember to reach with your loins, honey! On 3!”) when–oh snap–the wires break, and they fall and crash to the ground like so much Humpty Dumpty, and probably munched on by circus lions and sprayed with Seltzer water by the clowns.

So why’s this important? Because guess who’s watching the show this particular night?

Bruce Wayne!

So there’s Batman there, sitting in the crowd, probably applying some Bat-butter to his popcorn and having Alfred feeding it to him, and he watches Dick lose his parents in the worst America’s Funniest Home Video segment ever.

And what’s he thinking?

“Hm; less butter Alfred.”

Or maybe he says something cool and collected and cliche’ like, “Guess we won’t be seeing the lion swallow Dick tonight”, or, “It would appear that the Flying Graysons have just been grounded”.

But then he’s thinking, man, I know that when I lost MY parents the only thing that comforted me was sitting in a cave and paying Prince to write songs about me–I want to save that boy and play ‘Purple Rain’ for him.

Metaphorical Joker stands in for thousands of comic nerds.

And that’s how Dick Grayson became (the first) Robin, spending several undoubtedly confusing years wearing French-cut panties, a yellow cape and a tuck job, leaping from rooftop to rooftop wondering where it all went wrong.

"Jason? Jay?...Robin? You're just sleeping, right lilttle buddy?"

This eventually wore thin, and so Dick growed up and left the cave, and in his place came Jason Todd, a Robin so despicable not only did DC Comics hold a  fan 1-900 telephone poll deciding whether to kill him or not, but then, when the decision came, Jason Todd Robin was tied to the chair, beaten to a pulp by the Joker with a crowbar, and then blown up inside a building. I’ve seen Chris Brown dates that’ve ended better than that.

And so, it all comes back to the Flying Graysons, and their fateful vanity–they ruined Dick’s life AND when Dick leaves and young Jason Todd tries to fill some weird homoerotic void in Batman’s life, his life too.

Two birds. One stone.

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Is that a Batarang in Your Pants, or…..?

When young Bruce Wayne’s parents were shot and killed in front of his eyes in the alley outside a movie theater (they’d just seen Sex and the City 2: Grannies in Gucci), his mother’s last dying words were, “….son, I love you, dress as a bat” and his father’s were, “….stop….watching…us….bleed….you….assrabbit….and get….help!”.

And with that, Batman was born.

Menage a Bat

And with that, a Hollywood cashcow took to the streets.

Since the 60’s, Batman’s enjoyed a lot of screen time in various forms. There’s of course the now-seen-as-campy-and-fetish-like Batman TV show, which brought us the likes of Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar as Catwoman, the amazing Caesar Romero as The Joker, and Adam West’s gut.

Then there were the Burton films–Batman and Batman Returns, which taught us two things: Bruce Wayne rocks high-end mullets and that when Batman fights crime he hears Prince music in his head.

Fast-forward to the post-Burton films and you’re introduced to the most bizarre Bat-concepts to date, like:

  • Val Kilmer’s not only alive, but choosing to play Batman instead of Catwoman?
  • Chris O’Donnell’s Robin earned him the answer to, “we’re starting a mediocre crime drama with LL Cool J in it because Ladies Love Cool J. But we need someone who latent homosexual suburban dads can relate to. Who can we get….?”.
  • George Clooney as Batman, thus making it two blemishes on his resume’: the Batman movies and all the Ocean movies

    "Don't worry Commissioner Gordon, we're on it: it's our duty, to please that booty."

  • and lastly, playing the Joker is bad for one’s health: Heath Ledger died, and Jack Nicholson died years ago and hasn’t realized it yet

    "Is it really necessary for you to rope climb with me still?"

….it’s enough to make any man go a little Lady Gaga right?

Well, enter the latest entry in the Bat-archives then. Some clever duck decided to take the best incarnation of screen Batman (the Adam West version, not the “I’ve just finished yelling in a prison riot” Christian Bale version) and has created the next, most logical thing:

Batman porn.

You thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was deadly before? Yeah, well brother, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Done in the vein of the 60’s Batman show, the film (creatively named Batman XXX: A Porn Parody) takes the show’s setting and quite literally f-cks with it.

Some popular, well-known pornstars (er, so I’m told) have taken up the mantles of Batman, Robin, Batgirl to tag-team against the likes of The Riddler, The Joker, Catwoman and, I dunno, Herpes-man.

"Ok, I'll do this, but I'd really feel better if Robin was here, too Catwoman."

If you ever wanted to see Catwoman’s Dynamic Duo, well then, here’s your chance.

And if you thought the Joker’s “joy buzzer” was something to behold before, well, uh, just watch.

While I can’t say that I have (or have not) seen clips of the film, it’s a porn, so I can only imagine that some of the lines/scenes must go something like this:

Robin: Man, looks like The Joker’s just had his last laugh.

Batgirl (panting, sweaty): Yeah, this one’s another case closed.

Robin: Hey, speaking of ‘closed’ open your legs.

Batgirl: What? But we’re still on the job?

Robin: Speaking of ‘jobs’, how about you come over here and–

Batgirl: Robin, what’s come over you??!!

Robin: Hey, speaking of “coming over you”…

You get the jizz gist.

The Joker squirts his trick flower

Despite the payoff of seeing your childhood (or, if you’re like me, adulthood) heroes going at it, there’s still the non-arousal factor that it’s all, er, packaged, in.

I mean, it’s going to be weird seeing The Joker having sex with that maniacal grin on his face the entire time. Then again, I think that’s how most guys look when they finally lose their virginity, so maybe we should call it Even-Stevens (or maybe we shouldn’t since Even-Stevens is a Disney pre-teen show, too).

Reason #556 why The Riddler might be the scariest one to see in Batman XXX

Despite the obvious draw of seeing Batman snagging Poison Ivy with his Bat-rope, or seeing Catwoman teach Commissioner Gordon what it really means to be p-ssy-whipped, the comic geek in me (but sadly not in Julie Newmar, hey-o!) is probably most hoping for the scenes with The Riddler to be true-to-character. I’d love to see him open every sex scene with one of his trademark riddles:

–What beast has two backs, 4 legs, 2 heads and 69 mouths?

–What’s long in the morning, short in the afternoon, and then long again at night?

–What tastes like fish, sounds like a cat and looks like a flower?

–Where can you throw a hot dog in a hallway and still use it for buns later?

–Are you on the pill?

…and so on and so forth.

How exciting though! With the recent…rise….of comic books movies and such, it’s only a matter of time before we see other comic properties brought to the adult screen.

-Superman: Man of Steel

-Flash: Done in 60 Seconds

-Captain America: Red, White and Blew

-The Fantastic Foursome

-Spider-man: Sticky Situations

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The Dy-new-mic Duo

So, isn’t it totally crazy that Batman’s dead? Can you believe it? I mean I know you all read DC Comic’s Final Crisis last summer, and of course you read the “R.IP.” story arc in Batman’s own comic, too, right? Right?

Would the Man of Steel carry Dick like this?

Would the Man of Steel carry Dick like this?

Oh no?

Oh, well then I should share the following with you: Batman’s dead.

They killed him in the comics like, I don’t know, 6 months ago.

We’ll now observe a moment of silence in the name of Batman.

(pours a 40oz on the floor)

Ok, now the good part: Batman’s been replaced now by the original Robin.

Why is this so cool, you ask?

Because there’s a new Batman, yeah, but also because Bruce (Wayne) has been replaced by….

Dick Grayson. Dick Grayson growed-up years ago and gave up his old Robin costume to become Nightwing, a pony-tailed guy in tight leather who leapt from rooftops fighting crime.

He was somehow convinced this was less ridiculous than wearing green panties and a yellow cape.

But he always swore he’d never become Batman.

The new Batman and Robin. They're both Dicks.

The new Batman and Robin. They're both Dicks.

Meaning that Batman’s officially a Dick.

Which leads me to be excited about the exciting new story titles and lines we’ll see in the pages of Batman (until they decide to resurrect/return Batman in time for the next Batman/Dark Knight movie) like:

  • “The Adventures of the New Batman–now with Dick!”
  • “Because You Readers Asked For It-More Dick!”
  • (Alfred, Batman’s long-time butler and dapper gay lover, looking at the hanging Batman costume): “I don’t think Master Bruce ever imagined he’d get Dick in this costume.”
  • ( Wonder Woman,Princess of the all-women island of Amazon, upon seeing the new Batman, ): “Is that the old Robin? Dick Grayson?…..god I haven’t seen Dick in a long time….”

    Just like Bruce here, I hope Dick knows he's going to get it from every angle

    Just like Bruce here, I hope Dick knows he's going to get it from every angle

  • (Alfred again) “Master Dick, I assume you’ll be coming in the Batman costume?”

All that and Bat-Dick has now got Damien Wayne under his, er, belt, as the new Robin.

Who’s Damien Wayne?

He’s Batman’s illegitimate son. He thinks he should really be Batman, so he’s constantly competing for the spot, criticizing and demeaning Grayson the entire time. You know what this means? It means we’ll have a bunch of stories about Batman’s son riding Dick every chance he gets.

And man, I hope Batman’s not going to be mad finding Dick all over his mansion, his Batmobile, his butler.

Eh, probably not though; with all the Robin’s he’s had over the years, Batman’s always been big on Dick.

Either way, with Batman (temporarily) dead, they’ve got big shoes to fill.

Big shoes? Hm, I’m guessing Dick’s going to fill those quite nicely.

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A-Dora-ble

One of the things that I don’t like about comic books is that, in general, the characters will never age. This doesn’t happen, of course, for several very obvious reasons, the #1 reason being that characters like Superman, Batman and Spiderman are worth too much money to dick around with. Besides, at 80, Supes would be more the Man of Rust than the Man of Steel and that wouldn’t be fun, would it?

So instead we get this constant limbo-dom of non-aging. Peter Parker will always be a 20-something, broke-ass, wise-cracking photographer living withi Aunt “Oops I Crapped My Pants” May, and his wife Mary Jane.

And instead Batman’s “young wards” never have to grow out of their NAMBLA-approved age limit of “precious pre-teen/teen” years to fight crime and hang out in caves in their underwear.

And Joe Q. Dork never has to face his own ever-present mortality while his heroes stay static.

And for all intents and purposes, cartoons have been the same way too. Bugs continues to discover himself through cross-dressing and kissing Elmer Fudd. Daffy continues to labor as the belligerent black duck never getting his due, and Uncle Scrooge continues to gleefully endanger the lives of Huey, Dewey and Louie–while secretly stealing kisses from his lover, Launchpad.

It’s all a duck-blur, really.

ugly_betty_161206

Dora's cousin, Emilio, hooks up with Betty once Dora decides to take "a darker road"

But now someone’s finally brave enough to buck the trend. Recently, Nickelodeon and Mattel announced that they’re changing beloved character Dora-the-Explorer by aging her into her tweens. Now, I’ve never seen Dora’s cartoon show before; my Latino fictional characters are limited to Carmen Sandiego and that drunk Mexican racing rat, Speedy Gonzalez, so I don’t have much of an opinion, though I think it’s weird that someone thinks it’s ok that this little Latino girl can hang out with shady-ass characters like “Swiper the Fox” and “Boots the Monkey” both of whom sound like they play craps and shank.

But whatever.

Anyway, parents are all in a tizzy because this new Dora has been fast-forwarded into her middle school years, and if you’ve ever been to a middle school nowadays, you know that it’s the training/breeding ground for freaks.

Shit, I remember my middle school years and I’ve since attended bachelor parties that were tamer than the middle school bathroom.

dora_article

Dora goes from "baby fat" to "baby phat"

So, with this in mind, parents look at this new Dora, what with her cankle-revealing capris, her flirtatiously-cinched top and skanky “Claire’s” jewelry and see that Dora-the-Explorer has now become Dora-the-Whore-a.

And it’s understandable. The graduation rate for many non-White students in the U.S. are in the toilet and have been for years. So this means that Dora’s path might be like this:

  • Dora-the-Explorer goes to a slumber party with Boots
  • Dora leaves the party the next day and in school, rumors quickly spread that at the party she was more “Dora-the-Humpa”
  • 9 months later, Dora drops out of school and becomes Dora-the-Single-Motha
  • Dora has baby, lives at home and skanks around the neighborhood now; this is her “Dora-the-Chicken-Head-a” phase, until…
  • Dora re-enrolls in school, graduates high school and has eyes for college but can’t afford it (by then we’re talking about the year 2024 when college will cost about $1,000,000/year –too much for anyone Black, Asian, Latino–not even whites. Only the recently discovered Martians at that time will be able to afford college) so she….
  • becomes a stripper named “Sandy-A-Ho” so she can start “saving money for college”, managed by Swiper the Foxx

    As Sandy-A-Ho, Dora cashes in on her celebrity to dance for high-profile cilients

    As Sandy-A-Ho, Dora cashes in on her celebrity to dance for high-profile cilients

  • Dora tires of stripping, becomes Nicole “I’ll be any ethnicity you want me to be” Shrezinger’s replacement on “The Pussycat Dolls”, now managed by Boots  the Monkey

I wonder if they’ll make a doll for every phase?

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To the Window to the Crawl

Oh. My. Batman.

After doing a post on the giant-sized-chastity-belt that is ‘The Snuggie”, I feel inclined to share my Snuggie-story. For my birthday last week a couple of asshats friends brought a Snuggie to the party.

There in front of a small group of my closest friends (including Salma Hayek, Kanye West and that lady from the ‘Head-On’ commercials) I was made to try it on.

I was convinced that the Snuggie would be ridiculous-looking in person and uncomfortable to wear as well.

Well to my welcome surprise it was actually worse.

First of all, the Snuggie is HUGE. This cannot be under-stated. It is massive.

snuggie-group

For my birthday, I broke the Snuggie color barrier.

It was like I’d just ceremonially received the skin of a Flying Purple People Eater to hang on the wall next to my unicorn’s head and minotaur hoof.

Once I put it on, I was flush with heat. It was as if the Snuggie was stealing my very life essence, like that little troll did to Drew Barrymore in Cat’s Eye.

So there I was, my brown ass draped in this hot-red Snuggie. I basically looked like Fat Albert after overdosing on Hydroxycut.

I am sure that I’m the first person of color to don a Snuggie, thus making me the Jackie Robinson of Snuggies.

But that’s not why we’re here.

A Snuggie bar crawl.

bar1

A group of Teletubbies sit and enjoy a drink before bookclub.

That’s right, a mother-Snuggie bar crawl is being held.

Balderdash.

I’ll say it again: balderdash.

Can you imagine being out with your friends, shooting the shit at a bar when the door suddenly swings open and in walks in a flock of Snuggies. You’d be like, “oh shit, Opus Dei is having a night out”, right?

I don’t know how they’d even manage to walk around town in those things.

I mean, I’m admittedly a small guy, but still, the Snuggie ran well past my feet and pooled itself on the floor like a wedding dress.

At one point I had to pee, but with the voluminous amount of material to lift and without anyone present that had been certified in Snuggie-bustling, I was forced to urinate on myself.

At my own party.

They say that they provide you with a complimentary booklight for reading (riiight), but I think it’s really used to help the Snuggie demographic find their genitals at night and raiding pic-a-nic baskets without waking Ranger Rick.

Plus I imagine that if you fell asleep and woke up still wearing your Snuggie, you’d start freaking-the-fugg out so much that someone would have to use the booklight in order to calm your synapses or something.

So imagine not only walking around town like that, but with an entire group of multi-colored idiots dressed just like you, as if you’re re-enacting The Fall of the Pacman Ghosts.pac-man_ghosts_blinky_inky

Seriously? I’d rather do an “elephant walk” down Broad Street with 5 other guys or be the Grand Marshall for a Klan parade on MLK Day than be in a Snuggie-walk.

I guess the good thing is if you lose someone in the group during the course of the night, it’d be easy enough to ask after them:

  • “Hey, have you seen a guy about yay tall, dressed like Orko?”
  • or, “Have you seen a flurgle (please note: a group of Snuggies will now be referred to as a “flurgle”) of people dressed like Fanta cultists?”.

    orko

    Too drunk to know better, Orko tries to take a dump without removing his Snuggie first. He was later banished from Castle Grayskull.

Can you imagine that? I picture a series of booklights snapping on whipping left and right down the bar strip and the group calling out to their lost Snuggie in some weird Elven tongue:

” Aroo.arooooarooooo…”

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