Writing this blog by myself is pretty hard work.
I realized there’s strength in numbers, so I did the most logical thing possible: I called up a couple of my celebrity friends, and invited them to share their thoughts/input on some of today’s biggest headlines.
And when I say, “I called up a couple of my celebrity friends, and invited them to share their thoughts/input”, I mean, “I’ve scoured, cut and pasted comments from celebrity Twitter feeds to serve my purpose”.
And so, I present to you The Kids’ Table, it’s like the ‘Hot Topics’ session on The View, only with a soul. And intelligence.
First up we have one of the bigger mysteries in life slowly being answered. In an attempt to the answer to the question, “Chelsea Clinton: chminotaur or centaur?” the Clinton thing got married recently at a stable somewhere not too far outside NYC.
To discuss the wedding, Chelsea, and what it means now that mythological creatures can marry, today’s The Kids’ Table features insight from:
- Hip-hop mega artist Kanye West
- Arianna Huffington the Editor-in-Chief of trusted news source The Huffington Post
- Pam Grier,actress from ‘the L word’ and the ‘Cleopatra Jones’ movies
- Neurophysiologist Kirsten ‘Dr. Kiki’ Sanford
- And trusted white news source, NPR News
The Kids: So gang, Chelsea Clinton got married, a move that, to me, unsurprisingly made California re-consider its stance on the institution of marriage. Your thoughts, guys? What do you think of the pairing/her new hubby? The whole thing’s gotten a lot of media coverage.
Dr. Kiki: I am now even more terrified of the future of tv science programming, but I still want to watch.
Kanye West: She asked me why I’m so dressed up?… I told her, “cause I’m not headed to the gym right now.”…… I’m just trying to do it all presidential style in general.
The Kids: Haha, you’re so crazy with the hip-hop and the bravado, Kanye! Thoughts on her dress? Reports say she looked ‘beautiful’ and ‘happy’, while I found myself only capable of thinking ‘sugar oats’.
Kanye West: Just cause you got a stylist don’t mean you got style
Pam Grier: I am auctioning Jackie Brown wardrobe to donate to PAALS for Life Animal shelter
The Kids: Ouch guys; better move on. Any information about who was else was in attendance at the wedding? I mean besides obvious invites such as Mr. Ed and the Black Stallion.
Arianna Huffington: Sarah Palin, “Mama Grizzlies,” Carl Jung, and the Power of Archetypes.
The Kids: the Power of Archetypes, huh? Are they like a wedding cover band? Pam, did you go? Did you have a date? In my dreams at night, I take you to all sorts of places you’ve never been, like Trenton, NJ and Pleasuretown.
Pam Grier: Paula Patton, Jada Pinkett, Beyonce?
The Kids: Yeah, that makes sense; as the first black prez, we know Bill loves the brown sugar. NPR, your job is to be in the know. What can you tell us about the guest list?
NPR News: Rights Groups Ask WikiLeaks To Censor Names.
The Kids: Ok, ok, we can take a hint! So here’s a pic of the Clinton’s new son-in-law. I’ve already offered my thoughts on him. To wit: ‘douchey’. But this is a panel chat, so I want to offer your initial thoughts. What’s this face say to you?
Arianna Huffington: “Regular men are a certain varying number of meals away frm lying, stealing, killing or working.”
NPR News: Police Suspect Serial Killer In VA, MI Racial Stabbings.
Kanye West: “I might bless the city today with an all white suit … why not.”
The Kids: So you think he’s racist? Interesting, ‘Ye. Did you guys give the newlyweds gifts?
Pam Grier: I gave her leather fringed chaps! She can use the chaps for riding horses or in the bedroom!
Kanye West: New flowers in the crib… potpourri too
Dr. Kiki: yes. cell space in the mission.
NPR News: Song of the Day: Tarrus Riley And J Boog: Major Riddims; Charlie Rangel: ‘I Am Not Going Away’
The Kids: All thoughtful gifts. Nice job guys. Ok, fun question: do we see kids in the near future? And by ‘kids’ I mean ‘a magnificent colt; one that bites children and gets to the top through nepotism’.
Dr. Kiki: Not that I am aware of… the malaria parasite exists in blood, is ingested by mosquitoes, then passed on when they bite again.
The Kids: I agree, Doc. The whole point of rich people breeding together is to preserve all that blue blood kind of stuff. And if one’s mating with Chelsea, surely there’s biting involved. No wonder you have a PhD. Kanye, you think the Clint-Mez’s will have kids soon? No? Yes?
Kanye West: No’s are usually longer than yes’s.
Pam Grier: You know that I said yes to Tom Hanks. He said it was a happy day to work with me, I began to sing OH Happy Day, he knew the words!!
The Kids: You slept with Tom Hanks?! Lucky guy. What do you think, NPR News? What will it take for these two to procreate? Downtime? Equestrian courses? Preakness?
NPR News: Drug-Resistant Staph Infections
The Kids: Really? The clock’s ticking on Chelsea’s biological clock; by my count she’s only got about 4 more good races left in her.
NPR News: More Girls Start Puberty Sooner, Like Age 7
The Kids: Ok, fine–what do I know? Ok, before we end this, anyone want to offer some advice for our newlyweds? You know, like keeping the spice in their life, how to handle fights, where to get great feeding bags. Useful stuff.
Arianna Huffington: Ask Tony Robbins YOUR ‘Breakthrough’ questions now!
Pam Grier: My memoir Foxy: My life in three acts. Throwing snowballs. Soaked in orange juice with mint and a cherry! Girls against boys. Boys wear a cup!
Kanye West: “Hey baby…Please don’t turn this into a 20 email conversation… I’m busy if you haven’t heard”
The Kids: Oh Kanye, you keeps it so real! Dr. Kiki, you’ve been quiet. Advice for Chelsea’s jockey? Would you perhaps suggest love? Or a nice grooming brush?
NPR News: House OKs Funds For More Agents, Drones On Border
The Kids: . You’re right NPR News; in married, you’ve got to stick it out no matter what. There’s no escaping, what with so many people watching you, supporting you, and willing to shoot you. Less Facebooking and Tweeting, more HGTV and Food Network.
Kanye West: I hate to tweet where I’m heading cause every time I get there niggas be hitting Don C. like you here you here heard yall was here
The Kids: Exactly, Kanye. Thanks everyone for your thoughts today, this was fun! Let’s not do this again soon.