Tag Archives: Eagles

Candles, Leg Blown at Vick Birthday Party

Is there any worse Evite than the one that says, “Michael Vick Invites You To….”?

Vick; winning over PETA!

In the past that Evite would’ve said something like “Come to my house and chill on Aug 20th. I’ve got the beer and chips covered, you bring any unused dogs you don’t want.” A Michael Vick party is probably the only celebrity/athlete party where it’s probably a good idea to make it a Netflix night instead. I mean why go to Vick’s place when you can catch it all on Cops anyway?

As if dog-fighting (“they were playing! They were just dogs being dogs!”) wasn’t enough, after spending a year or so recuperating his image with the public–making TMZ.com-type appearances shopping with dogs, decorating X-Mas trees with dogs, teaching dogs to drive, and being Donovan McNabb’s b-tch–Vick decides to throw a party for his 30th birthday.

All was going well for most of the night–the weed bin was surely flowing like oh-so-much soda fountain, the strippers were still riding their coke high, and at least 8 Madden tournaments were happening on XBoxes–until, needless to say, someone looked around and said, “this 30th party needs a board game or something, and by ‘a board game or something’ I mean I’m about to shoot someone in the leg.”

Now to be fair, this gentleman might’ve done it just so he could keep track of who he drove to the party with–I’m sure there were a lot of guys wearing knee-length white tees, and after awhile, everyone must start to look like Casper. Plus, it’s a great convo starter with people there that you don’t know.

“Hey man, nice bullet wound; where’d you get that?”

“Parking lot.”

"Tape make Kev's head tickle."

The guy who was shot that night decided not to press charges, though several eye-witness reports claim that South Philly native Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog was seen squatting behind bushes with a “gun-shaped” object clenched between his teeth.

When reached for a comment, Bark-Bark merely had this to say, “If I was at that party, I wouldn’t have had a gun. But if I would’ve had one, I’d’ve been aiming for Michael Vick. And if I was aiming for Vick, I’d probably miss on account of me not having any f-cking fingers to point this gun in the right direction.”

"You'll never catch me, coppers!"

Bark-Bark was brought in for questioning, along with Plaxico Burress and Mel Gibson just on the grounds that he’s purely bat-shit lately, but was later released when a fellow dog showed up in KKK robes demanding he be released and not left to “consort and rot in these cells filled with so much blackdom”.

And with the shooting victim unwilling to cooperate (“I’d have you know that I brought this bullet in my leg with me, thank u very much”)

All in all, it makes for some tough times in Philadelphia: the city and Vick are becoming more and more intertwined as many citizens haven’t been fooled by the Eagles’ management that it was Vick that left for D.C. and McNabb that’s stayed here.

I have friends who are applying to get a dog of their own to have, and I’ve forewarned them: take any trace of Michael Vick out of your home before the SPCA come to visit and determine whether you’re dog-worthy or not. This was my advice:

  1. Get rid of any black Eagles’ pictures–I don’t care if it’s Randall Cunningham, Herschel Walker, or Charles Barkley with feathers–don’t confuse them.
  2. Throw out any bottles of Vick’s Cough Syrup, Vick’s Vapor Rub, and definitely Vick’s Obedient Dog Treats
  3. As a matter of fact, throw out anything that’s Vick-sounding: if you have any copies of ‘Victor/Victoria’, replace them with ‘Tootsie’. Just as good. That copy of Invictus? Apartheid that shit pronto. I’ll give you a copy of Hoosiers. Same story.

There’s still a chance that they’ll Vick-it-up but I can at least know that I’ve done my part.

And now I ask that the Eagles organization do their part: cut Michael Vick. Like now. I mean he’s no loss now, right? I’ve seen him play since coming to Philly; his arm’s about as strong and accurate as Stephen Hawking’s, and he’s about as nimble, too.

"Reading make Kev's head tingle on inside. Want pizza."

Besides, we have to start the Kevin Kolb Era now; he looks like he’d rather spend his birthday at Dave & Buster’s or maybe getting his free Book It! pizza at Pizza Hut. I mean, he’s still learning how to read! We can build on this.

Even Bark-Bark likes him.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Trojan Horse

mcnabb

McNabb works his mojo on the field with his magic fingers.

We’re nearing the midway point of the 2009 NFL season, and here in Philly it’s been another painful ride thus far thanks to McNabb and the Eagles.

Fortunately for area folks, Jimmy Rollins and the South Philly Bombers (Motown) will soon be squaring off against Derek and A-Rod’s Big Adventure (Summer’s Eve) later this week in a ‘roid battle of the bats. This World Series will either end with Philly burning because Philadelphians are happy about the team repeating, or NYC burning because Philadelphians are happy about the team repeating or mad because they lost to the Yank-these.

mcnabb-709810

Wrap it up, Donovan!

I don’t hate McNabb. I really don’t. He and his mother are not only responsible for getting me to eat Campbell’s Soup, but to also consider the idea that sometimes a pro QB –who pukes in big moments, sits on the sidelines more than a husky kid on a track team and throws more bad passes than a drunk frat boy–that sometimes a man needs his mother’s teat to help him through the bad times life.

As a matter of fact, because of how his legacy is sure to be remembered I’ve come to consider McNabb the “Condom Quarterback”.Trojan-Condoms

What’s a “Condom Quarterback” you say?

Allow me to explain.

The Kids Don’t Get It Explains How Donovan McNabb is a Condom:

  • In my early, randy college days, my friends and I went everywhere with a condom in our pockets. Parties, professor office hours, bars, dorm meetings, keggers, the dining hall–we were ready. The condom stayed in the pocket , because, well, that’s where it needed to be. But then, when the “time” came, it was never really effective–you’re suddenly making a mad scramble to get it, fumbling with it, palms sweaty, teeth gritted…and so, something was always lost when it was probably easier just having it out of the pocket. And sometimes, because it’s been in the pocket so long, when it does come out, it looks a little old and worn. I mean, that condom’s been in the pocket for a long time now–and really, you’ve only let it stay in your pocket at this point only because you’ve had it for so long, and at this point, you’re determined to see it finally get used–even if it means it might not really be any good anymore and may well break at the big moment. And now, presto, it’s like 9 years later and you’re the dad with the crackhead baby that everyone associates you with– you know, like Andy Reid with Donovan, or Andy at the family dinner table. That’s Donovan.

    donovan_vmed_8p.widec

    Helmet-ed for her pleasure.

  • Like a condom, Donovan’s almost like sensation of the real thing (like say the Manning boys)–but falls just a bit short.
  • If it’s on, someone’s sure to be getting f-cked in the next 48mins.
  • His arm: I mean, sure, we’d all like for that arm to be magnum-sized, but really, who are we fooling? It’s pretty average.
  • Might score a lot, but ultimately doesn’t produce.
  • …with all that being said, the condom’s still the safest, surest bet man’s got to date. Better than the pump-and-pray method (Kolb). Better than just trying to do it yourself (Westbrook). And it’s certainly still better than going raw dog (Vick).

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Kids….Wants to Make Sure You Don’t Become Another Vick-tim

bald_eagle_profile_page

Eagles mascot reacts to Vick signing

So, the big news burning up the NFL world has been the Philadelphia Eagles’ surprise signing of Michael Vick. While most of the league is replying with support and kind words–ESPN found at least 12 players who were willing to put their guns and strippers down long enough to offer a comment about the Vick signing–here in Philly, the public hasn’t been quite as receptive, with many people actually getting additional guns to riot the streets to celebrate the Phillies win-streak…and find time to decry Mike Vick joining the Birds.

But in-house, at the Bird Base, the head coach Andy “It’s 11pm, do you know where your sons are?” Reid and Donovan McHurt are both thrilled with the addition, which, combined with his 1 1/2 year prison sentence, loss of wages and numerous public trials, should be enough for most people, but of course isn’t. Hence a 10000000000000000 Facebook posts about the “horror” and “disgust” and “shame” people have about the signing….and yet woefully few “status updates” about like, say, I dunno, the alarming dropout rates and poorly-educated children across the country.

Maybe the Eagles should’ve signed Drop-out Rate as a back-up QB.

But anyway, being that the public is what it is, particularly here in Philly, NFL Commissioner Roger Godell has placed some stipulations on Vick’s reinstatement in the league. It basically comes down to a couple of simple rules like:

  • Don’t get beers with Ray Lewis
  • Don’t accept any Evites from Pacman Jones

But there’s a lot of work that Vick is going to have to do in order to win favor with the public again.

"I'm Mike Vick, and I approve this message."

"The Kids Don't Get It Michael Vick Rehabilition Program saved MY life....and it can save yours, too."

“So, what’s a guy to do”, you ask? Well, I’m glad you did!

Presenting “The Kids Don’t Get It Guide to Michael Vick Rehabilitation”

  • Rehab Move #1: Vick’s In Your Bathroom: What better way to reassure the crowd of soccer moms that it’s ok to like Mike Vick again? By having Vick become the official sponsor of Vick’s Vapor Rub. This makes so much sense that I’m sure it’s being worked out right now. But man, just imagine–your kid comes home from school wheezing and panting from being shot in the chest by Drop-out Rate (see, told you they should’ve signed him, now look) and you go racing for……….Vick’s Vapor Rub! It’s got Vick’s face on it, and he’s got his arms crossed and he’s wearing a generic football jersey with the number “1” on it. And he’s
    "Not now....I SAID DINNER WILL BE READY IN A BIT....Mommie's got some Vickin' to do.."

    "Not now....I SAID DINNER WILL BE READY IN A BIT....Mommie's got some Vickin' to do.."

    staring. Hard. Like he’s staring a dog down (oops). But anyway, you spray some of that shit on your sissy son’s chest, out pops the bullet, and he’s off to his room to masturbate and play XBOX faster’n you can say “Mom’s going out tonight”. But you know what? You’re not going out, because you’re looking at that sweet-smelling bottle of Vick’s….. his prison-hardened body….and you’re saying “I wonder what else this stuff can pop with a bit of rubbing”. Soccer moms won over.

  • Rehab Move #2: The Bounty Hunter, Dog: What better way for Mike Vick to redeem himself than by going into the streets and rounding up, saving and/or leashing wayward dogs? I propose a special 2-parter episode of Animal Cops: Philadelphia where Vick rides with the animal shelter crew, rounding up bitches. For example, I am about 27% certain that the dog that I came across when walking to the South Philly post office hates black people. It just ran to the edge of its leash barking and yelling things like, “Stay away from our women!” and “I hate you yet I cheer for you on all my local sports teams!” and “this Barack Obama thing changes NOTHING!” and the N-word. So, I’d like to see an episode where Vick gets dumped into S. Philly by the
    Bark-Bark corners another brother. Where is Michael Vick in our time of need?

    Bark-Bark corners another brother. Where is Michael Vick in our time of need?

    Animal Cops people armed with nothing more than one of those over-sized bee nets. And with that, the hunt for Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog begins. If he can subdue the dog as a black man in South Philly, there’s hope for us all.

  • Rehab Move #3: Fly Like a Butterfly, Drop Like a Stone: Have Mike Vick start dog-fighting again-but this time, he’s actually fighting. He’d tour around all the underground dog fighting houses, and when someone’s dog steps into the ring for a match and they say, “WHO HERE WILL BATTLE BARK-BARK”, Vick will step out of the crowd and say “I WILL” and then Goodell will untie the leash he’s got around Vick and he’ll enter the ring. Then, as soon as the match starts, when they’re dancing around, sniffing each other’s butts and stuff, when the dog goes to throw his first punch, Goodell will give Vick the signal and Vick will take the hit, dropping to the mat. Together, they’ll spend a month watching Vick throw fights against Rottweilers, Dobermans, pit bulls and shih tzus . Every dog possible will want to get a crack at Vick’s “glass jaw”. It’ll be like Bloodsport. And he’ll lose every fight as a way of winning dogs over again. When he goes down in an epic match versus “Chauncy” the blind 3-legged poodle? Dogs will lose all interest and hatred in Vick. Dogs, won over!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized