Tag Archives: frequent flier miles for apes

Gorilla Airfare

When most people travel to Central America, they come back with the typical fare:

  • tans
  • sombreros
  • pictures from the “donkey show”

    "Sh-t; they're onto us!"

  • syphilis
  • Penelope Cruz (and if you think that’s the closest that Penelope Cruz has been associated with a donkey show, you haven’t seen Vanilla Sky)

Y’know; normal stuff.

Not so if you’re Roberto Cabrera. On his way to Mexico City from Lima, Peru he was stopped in Mexico City Airport by security on the grounds of seeming “nervous”.

If you’ve ever traveled to Mexico City, this may not raise much alarm. Years ago I visited Mexico City with a friend, and when we arrived in the airport, we were stopped at some point by airport security.

The exchange went like this:

Mexico City Airport Security: “Where are you traveling to, amigo negro?”

Me: “Here. Mexico City.”

Mexico City Airport Security: “Oh, a smartass, eh? Search Puff Daddy’s buttocks with the spoon we use for re-fried beans. Pfft; ‘Mexico City’. ”

So, I don’t like to stereotype, but I understand.

But that has its limits.

"Remember to stay quiet until I give you the sign Mr. Crunchy."

Why was Roberto Cabrera nervous? Well, upon closer inspection with the re-fried beans spoon, aeropuerto security discovered that Cabrera was actually smuggling 18 monkeys under his t-shirt in a girdle.

I’m going to isolate this sentence so you can appreciate this for what it is:

Aeropuerto security discovered that Cabrera was actually smuggling 18 monkeys under his t-shirt in a girdle.

I mean I really just don’t know where to begin.

First of all, I have to confess: when I saw the headline “Man Arrested Smuggling 18 Monkeys in Clothing”, I was convinced that this was a white person, because if there’s one thing that white people love more than wearing Teva sandals everywhere they go, it’s monkeys.

To kiss. To have as pets. To make wear stupid things like tuxedos and shock collars (now that all that Jim Crow stuff’s been sorted out). They just do.

But no; Cabrera is from a whole other raza, and really, I don’t think even this raza is going to renew his membership anytime soon.

But how lax is the security in Lima, Peru? I mean seriously, WTF.

Here in the States, we have to remove our shoes, give a stool sample and recite the theme song of Blossom before we’re allowed to board a plane.

"Air Lima: When you absolutely HAVE to get your monkey there."

Hell, even in New Orleans Airport I had to show them the watermarks on my jeans to prove I’d spent time in the city.

But apparently Lima’s airport security is about as secure as a Kardashian chastity belt.

Surely someone would’ve noticed Cabrera’s roving, writhing flesh as he walked onto the plane, right? You really can’t chalk that up to “Montezuma’s Revenge”.

And we’re talking 18 monkeys here–18 monkeys.

I can maybe–MAYBE–see if the guy was smuggling 1 monkey–hell I’m feeling generous today, 2 monkeys–in a t-shirt, but 18?! Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know how to quiet 1 monkey–when I was a kid I watched people throw peanuts and car batteries at chimps in the Monkey House at the Philadelphia Zoo–so how Roberto “Tarzan” Cabrera managed to silence 18 of these little f-cks, well…that’s some shit we haven’t seen since Noah.

But the feats don’t end there. I Googled and discovered that the flight from Lima to Mexico City is 5hrs and 50mins–well, probably more like 12hrs, because we all know how slow and lazy even Mexican pilots are.

"Quick Thelonius; hide!"

Kidding. Nearly 6hrs! What in-flight movie is going to keep 18 monkeys quiet for that long?

Well, I suppose if they played M. Night’s latest flick, The Last Airbender, that might do the trick; it put an entire nation to sleep, so it could probably do the same to a dozen and a 1/2 titi monkeys.

And didn’t anyone sit next to him on this flight?

Weren’t the flight attendants suspicious when he constantly requested more courtesy peanuts and a bottle of “General Aurellisimo’s All-Purpose Lice Removal Powder”?

I’m not sure what one offers as an explanation when one is caught with 18 monkeys:

  • I broke my other monkey, so I bought 18 new ones to spank.
  • I only need 982 more monkeys and only 999 more typewriters before they begin writing a novel for me.
  • I’ll have you know that these monkeys are part of the Make A Wish Foundation; their last wish is to see Mexico City. Also, the Miami Heat.
  • These monkeys are part of a blood-letting ceremony to revive the corpse of the King of Pop.

Cabrera was of course smuggling the monkeys into Mexico City for money; with more and more “uppity” Mexican women choosing the workforce and education, there’s less tail to go around when American fratboys and/or their businessmen dads come to town looking for some action.

Pimp: “Lo siento senor, but I’m afraid our brothel is fresh out of women tonight. But we do have Lim-Lim, our most ‘native’ pleasurer.”

American: “Where’s Lim-Lim from?”

Pimp: “…..Titi.”

American: “Titi? I think they did the last Real World/Road Rules Challenge in Titi! What’s Lim-Lim look like?”

Pimp: “Small, brown, big eyes, acrobatic with a big tail. I must warn you; she’s muy wild, amigo.”

"Lim-Lim get dressed; your 12:00 is here."

American: “So am I, Alamo. Here’s 15 pesos. Keep the change.”

Pimp: “She may scratch you, friend. She is, in plain ingles, ‘savage’ .”

American: “Dude, if you keep spoiling all the fun ahead of time, I’ll never be able to get it up for this monkey. Now scram!”

In the end, I’m not sure how you properly persecute such a person. Taking a man’s monkeys away from him seems cruel somehow, though I suppose not as cruel as being packed against said man’s belly for 6hrs.

Surely, the Mexican authorities must’ve been baffled too–they’re used to drug mules, not covert monkeys.

Jail-time’s going to be rough for Cabrera; if prisoners hate child abusers, I can’t imagine what they’d do to a monkey smuggler.

Best not drop the banana methinks.


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