Tag Archives: Hollywood

Now Playing Near You: We Didn’t Land on Plymouth Rock!

Greetings folks and welcome back to the work-week! (a little late, I know)

It’s almost the weekend, so we’re taking another look at the plate of movies being released this weekend.

Again, the drill (that’s what she said): I take a look at movies that I haven’t actually seen, nor want to, nor will

Yes, delirious indeed.

Yes, delirious indeed.

ever see–and review them. Quickly.

You can see previous entries in the margin to the right in the cleverly-tagged “Now Playing Near You” link.

Ok, let’s just do this.

Now Playing In Theaters

  1. The Taking of Pelham 123: This movie’s so bad, they’re already telling how many people are going to see this in the title alone. “123” also represents the # of bad movies that Denzel’s done since starring in
    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    ‘Malcolm X’. Really; when’s the last time you’ve seen a good Denzel movie? I mean one where the role couldn’t have been played by Larry Fishburne or Larry the Cable Guy. The last movie that I enjoyed of his was “The Preacher’s Wife” just because he’s got this bemused smile the entire time that says, “in between takes Whitney snorted coke off my belly”. And then there’s John Travolta, who looks like he’s playing Kevin Federline in about 10 years (or weeks…or now). Either way, “n*** get yo’ hand out my pocket!”–I’m not seeing this movie.

  2. Imagine That: Dated Whitney Houston. Got caught with a transexual prostitute.  Married and divorced Mel B, aka” Black Scary Spice”. Denied knocking her up. Stole Babyface’s wife; married her, divorced her due to lack of ‘whip appeal’. Made The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Made Delirious. And yet has starred in roughly 8 family-friendly movies since the mid-2000’s…..and just been green-lit to shoot Beverly Hills Cop IV. Imagine that.
  3. Food Inc.: A documentary aimed to accomplish the following: 1. make liberals give up yet another thing they enjoy in their life (meat). 2. give NPR a week’s worth of self-righteous reporting 3. drive the Hamburgular to drink. The synopsis says it’s a documentary about discovering “where the food you buy in the grocery store really comes from”. There’s no happy answer to the phrase “where ____really comes from”. I know this from conversations as a kid about “where babies really come from”, “where Santa’s gifts really come from” and “where Uncle James’ red eyes really come from”.
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Now Playing Near You: 2

NOTE: This post was originally supposed to appear a couple of weeks ago. We at The Kids….HQ apologize for this late delivery of funniness. Enjoy!

Happy Friday! Time to take a look at what’s coming to the big silver screen and internet torrent sites this weekend.

If you hadn’t noticed, we did this last week too, to much fanfare, and by “much fanfare” I mean, “thank you Claudia for leaving a comment on that post”. So, in the interests of at least entertaining one of my two readers, I present “Now Playing Near You: 2”; a quick review of movies that I’d never see, but am willing to review anyway.

Again, these are movies that you should avoid at all costs–but some of you will probably see anyway. Here goes…..

1. Obsessed: I’m almost too giddy to think of things to say about this movie. First of all, it stars Idris Elba; he’s currently on The Office,  and possesses a name that sounds fitting for Star Wars. Anyway, Idris Idris Binks was also on The Wire, which means he’s got some experience

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

dealing with hookers, which was why he’s been paired with…Beyonce’ a woman familiar with giving any “job” possible. And then there’s Ali Larter, who’s left Heroes to play, well, His Ho. Someone’s career is not going to survive this movie. Horrendous stereotypes, bad plotting, worse dialogue and bad hair abound, and yet amazingly this is not a Tyler Perry movie. Huh.

2. The Soloist:  How do you like your Jamie Foxx? I like mine ‘done’. Another word for this might be ‘unemployed’. Anyway, in The Soloist, Foxx plays a musician who finds himself homeless and crazy in L.A. I thought it was a bit soon to make a movie about Akon, but then what do I know? I also think it’d be better if Downey Jr. played the reporter who plays as the black homeless man who plays the violin.

3. Fighting: Terrence Howard gets punched in the face for squandering the praise he got for acting in Hustle & Flow. No, this one’s about a white guy who’s literally fighting his way out of the inner city. I don’t even see how this is a movie, unless it’s a documentary-style one with one of those cool “shaky cameras” the whole time and hearing the whimpering chant of “f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck” as he runs. At which point it’d be like Blair Witch, another movie about white folks being in places they shouldn’t be.

4. Tyson: Without a doubt, probably the scariest movie to appear since The Exorcist. Some fool was brave enough to follow Mike “I will eat your children right after I tattoo my face” Tyson around long enough to make a film. It’s 88mins long, which is roughly twice as long as

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Tyson was married to Robin Givens. You will remember Robin Givens from Head of the Class (bitchy student), Boomerang ( bitchy girlfriend) and Tyson’s Waking Nightmares. Who do you think put that tattoo on his face? The director attempts to lighten the film’s content by interspersing pictures of puppies in the middle of the film, so don’t stay for the closing credits where Tyson bites the puppies’ heads off.

Coming Soon:

1. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Matthew McConaughey explains how he gave 30,000 women in L.A. syphillis. The movie also stars Jennifer Garner as an ex who is double-Smurfed since she’s got The Clap and The Affleck.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Hugh Jackman stars as a popular mutant-freak on the run willing to kill anyone to make a point. Originally penned to be Running and Shanking Origins: O.J. Simpson, the recent boom in comic book movies convinced Fox to make this about a superhero instead.

According to Hollywood Reporter though, the film still shows some signs of life as both Jamie Foxx and Terrence Howard have expressed interest in the project.

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Celebrity Twitter #4: Break-ups, it’s the Pitts!

In the past, my supreme hacking skills has enabled The Kids…to deliver you some high-quality Twittering from the likes of “Uncle” Joe Biden, Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie.

Today, we’re proud to bring you the next installment: Brad Pitt.

Monkey see, monkey do

Monkey see, monkey do

You know Brad. We all feel like know Brad too, don’t we?

Brad Pitt, of Hollywood fame, has it all: great movies, a Hollywood/magazine-cover-ready body, a big monkey face perfect for a revamp of Planet of the Apes, an assortment of Pygmy/aboriginal children from exotic locales and a partner who resembles a BJ-lovin’ praying mantis.

What more could he ask for? Well, maybe for those pesky break-up rumors to go away. But other than that, what to get the man that has everything? Besides opposable thumbs that is. Why a broadcast of his Twitter on The Kids.. of course!

Let’s do the damn thing. This jawn is gonna be hot.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Brad Pitt’s Twitter (permission granted by A. Jolie):

11:54am: hey out there folks. just got in from japan with a malaysian baby i got on the black market for madonna’s birthday. can’t remember if she’s got one already. fingers crossed, though!

12:04pm: as some of you know, i’m an architect on the side. i love to build houses and tear down women. anyway, creating a new work-out room for angie and i. angie insists i call her “angie” in public since she thinks it makes us look for wholesome and cute and her less “conniving and whoresome”. hi angie!

12:17pm: this new workout room’s coming together like a charm! it’s practically building itself, and by “practically building itself” i mean maddox, pax and zahara are putting it together. i really suggest getting these kinds of kids. they have lean ropey muscles perfect for hammering, lifting and massaging, and when you tire of them, you can

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

drop them off in south central or chinatown. save darfur.

12:32pm: watching friends. shh.

1:05pm: that was fun! be back in a bit, gotta get tissues or a towel.

1:22pm: just rented out the mann chinese theatre for a joint b’day party with the pitt-jolie kids and all of madonna’s adopted kids. we’re calling it 12 monkeys day. we’re going to have emilio estevez making balloon animals (he needs the work), a giant ball pen, a llama and salma hayek breast-feeding. tried to book the black eyed peas too, but their manager said they’ve already sold out. oh well.

1:33pm: man, i’m hungry but the fridge is like 14 feet away from here (rough architect estimation) where’s good help when you need it? oh right, building the workout room

1:55pm: folks, i gotta tell you; on days like this, i like to just sit on my couch and just meditate about all the things in life. like the importance of love, and building over-priced unaffordable homes for poor black people in new orleans. they need it. and ask myself the important questions like: should i have played benjamin buttons gayer so i could’ve beaten penn for milk? we’re about to shoot ocean’s 27: more man-love. should we stop congratulating ourselves at ocean’s 28 or 29? and is it ok if your partner likes you to call her your ex’s name when you’re making love? or if she calls you your ex’s name instead?

2:15pm: medicine time! time to take my mandatory sip from billy bob’s blood chalice. angie says it keeps me young and submissive. it’s in a vial marked “monster’s balls”. cute, angie!

2:20pm: want to continue my years-long design for the tsunami-sumatra folks. it’s a town that uses an elaborate water-slide instead of streets. almost done, but medicine made me so sleepy….

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

2:55pm: passed out after taking medicine. i think maddox and pax have taken my wallet.

3:10pm: found wallet. whew. now gotta pick a movie for tonight. angie wants to stay in. gotta pick something good. suggestions?

3:12pm: people have suggested twilight, quantum of solace and marley & me. can’t do twilight; angie finds any movie about the undead wooing an innocent “too autobiographical”, and when we watched marley & me last week, angie was confused because she couldn’t figure out “which one was the dog”. i’d pick quantum but i’m pretty sure she’s f-cked everyone in that cast. looks like we’re watching deliverance again.

3:29pm: pax just walked in complaining that he’s hot, tired and has been “hawucinating” because of the paint thinner in the workout room. kids are so cute. really folks, get some of these lil’ buggers. but get them outside the states, and make sure they’re organically-fed orphans. we buy everything organic: chicken, beef and brown orphans. end apartheid.

3:47pm: ok, time to go: angie’s coffin is stirring so she’s going to get up soon. be back later! watch ocean’s 14 coming to a theatre near you soon!

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Now Playing Near You

It’s the weekend! It’s the weekend! And the weather here on the East Coast is going to be great–sunny, bright and warm. You know what that means?

People will be in the movie theatres.

You want to know why Americans are so Klump-y? Because in the summer, when most others are playing outside, traveling, pirating ships–whatever, enjoying life–where are we?

Inside a communal living room watching Fast and the Furious 8: Darth Vader meets Shrek.

And the night is either opened or ended with a trip to Red Lobster-bee’s Garden.

We thick, yo.

So anyway, I thought that I’d meet you all 1/2-way by reviewing the movies you’re probably seeing, going to see, and maybe saw. Just short, quick blurbs.

Full Disclosure Before We Proceed: the following movies are all films that I will not, would not and wouldn’t dream of seeing. Ever. At all. As a matter of fact, if someone said, “see this movie; your mother’s life depends on it” I would say, “hand me the pistol and I’ll shoot her myself–for $5 I can pay a woman-of-the-night to let me call her  ‘mom’, I cannot get 90mins of my life back”.

1. Fast and the Furious: Reunion Time! Years ago, when I first saw Vin Diesel, I thought, “it’s a damn shame someone shaved this monkey and made it learn people-words”. My opinion has

Stop monkeying around you two and make a movie!

Stop monkeying around you two and make a movie!

not changed. There is no apparatus that you can put Vin Diesel behind to make him entertaining: cars, planes, time machines, George Foreman grills, Jennifer Lopez–nothing makes Vin Diesel cool. Meanwhile, Paul Walker wonders if he’d have a better career if he changed his name to “Paul Wall” and Jordana Brewster keeps hoping people with think she’s ‘Punky Brewster’.

2. Hannah Montana: The Movie: A movie in which Miley Cyrus (whose name sounds like a fast-spreading virus, as in “there’s a virulent strain of Miley Cyrus causing explosive diarrhea, heart palpitations and werewolf transformation all over NYC”) perfects the formula of appealing to every American white girl demographic: sometimes she’s blonde, sometimes she’s brunette–I think it depends on which Jonas Bros she’s about to sleep with. Hannah Montana is sort of like Jem meets Prussian Blue. There’s a good bet that the movie’s cast will be as white as

"Don't shoot til you see the whites of their sombreros! USA! USA!"

"Don't shoot til you see the whites of their sombreros! USA! USA!"

a bridal store–and just as virginal with it’s ‘G’ rating. The ‘G’ stands for ‘gonorhea’ which is what you get when you watch, look at, or touch Miley Cyrus. Ask the Jonas Bros.

3. Knowing: It’s a movie starring Nicholas Cage. He plays a professor who finds a formula that predicts the future. Hey, I’m no math prof, but I’ve got a future-predicting formula too: Nicholas Cage + movie about anything that allows Nicholas Cage to act= Worse Movie Released Since Last Nicholas Cage Film. That’s all the ‘knowing’ you need.

4. Monsters vs Aliens: In which Miley Cyrus plays a sometimes-curly haired, sometimes pony-tailed who gets mistakenly placed into Minuteman service at the Texas border for her Spring Break Internship. While there, she learns growing up’s not easy, finds true love with Javon, the Mexican boy her age trying to cross into the states, and the courage to stand up for what’s right–by shooting Javon. In 3-D. By Dreamworks.

5. Observe and Report: A movie where Seth Rogen plays a skinny dickhead slacker instead of a fat one. We’re now at 14mins, 55secs of the “Seth Rogen Experience”.

6. I Love You, Man: Paul Rudd, a funnier graduate of the Judd Apatow School For White Guys Who Refuse to Age stars in a movie that gives Andy Samberg another chance to ‘be funny’ by playing a gay person. But Quincy Jones’ hot daughter is in it. This makes me happy, but probably crushes Quincy.

7. A Haunting in Connecticut: Aka “When Gentrification Goes Really, Really Bad”. I never understand why these families don’t do their HW on their real estate agent…or the neighborhood….or the previous owners. “Spacious 5-bedroom house in barren remote neighborhood looking for an unassuming white family unafraid of poltergeist and orgy-hungry ghouls. Pure souls only need apply. No credit check required.”

COMING SOON

8. Obsessed: Beyonce’ wears a bad wig and tries this acting thing a bit harder. This time with Ali Larter and one of the guys from The Wire. All three of these people will regret this decision.

"I told you, I don't know anyone named 'Kelly Rowland'."

"I told you, I don't know anyone named 'Kelly Rowland'."

We are now 1 movie closer to Beyonce’ remaking B.A.P.S.

9. 17 Again: A night with R. Kelly? No. It’s Matthew Perry going from making $1 million/episode playing Chandler Bing to being the handler for Zac Effron’s bling.

10. Crank That High Voltage: It’s a Souljah Boy remix! Or, “Daily Things You Hear On Death Row”. Jason Statham continues to get paychecks making the same movie 14,000 different ways.  Vin Diesel should talk to him.

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The Low End Theory

The Department of Appropriations (or, the “D.A.”)has continued to thrive and fulfill its mission despite the current economic (it was all a dream, I used to read ‘Word-Up’ magazine) climate.

They’ve been hard at work infiltrating every precious corner of one of my most beloved things in life: hip-hop.

Oh Natalie, what're you doing? Oh, I get it--Funny!

Oh Natalie, what're you doing? Oh, I get it--Funny!

It’s happening everywhere nowadays. Movies, TV, radio….the desperate, flailing (back in the days when I was a teenager, before I had status, and before I had a pager) attempts at hip-hop humor are as omnipresent as the term “stimulus” nowadays.

I mean, I get it; some of the music’s a bit esoteric, some of its impenetrable (twss), maybe even downright confusing……though such terms have also been applied to the sack-kickingly boring music of Bob Dylan too with much different results for people.

So what’s a mainstreamer to do when (why oh why do you fly through the hood, like everybody in the hood is up to no good?) they can’t crack the cool club that all the kids seem to know and love?

Hip-hop's getting stripped bare.

Hip-hop's getting stripped bare.

Why endearingly mock it of course. After all, if you can’t beat’em, rap’em, right?

From Natalie Portman’s SNL Rap, to ‘The Office’ scenes with Michael rapping and dancing, to Flight of the Conchords to Tom Cruise’s role in Tropic Thunder, the D.A.’s sent out a series of minions to help castrate rap in the name of good hip-hop ha-ha.

It takes a nation of millions to find this funny.

It takes a nation of millions to find this funny.

You want to create some good (met her through the sister of my  big Vince, like some shit from out the flicks we been in love ever since) easy laughs nowadays? Insert a rapping/hip-hop scene into your work. Here’s a quick guide for tips on How To Use Hip-Hop As a Laughing Tool in case you’re writing a movie, TV show, fictional character or skit:

  1. There’s nothing funnier than hearing someone rap to a current hip-hop track in non-rap-like settings (office place, dinner parties, in car with parents).
  2. Take popular, well-known rap song and have character butcher the lyrics.

    Punks jump up and get beat down

    Punks jump up and get beat down

  3. Have a character be the unlikely expert on hip-hop beefs, history
  4. Take rap/hip-hop format and import literal lyrics onto hip-hop sound. The more ironic the lyrics, the better the laughter.
  5. Character(s) use hip-hop related slang inappropriately or correctly in inappropriate places.

Stuck on what to use? Fortunately, the department’s even gone viral now with the emergence of the website UnderstandingRap.com — a place to that helps the uninitiated “decode” the language of hip-hop. Its a totally ridiculous websi–pwhwinete9t393jnef a 3q3abrubu3uq9jrfflagighn–

I’m sorry, I just vomited for a moment.

Anyway, a totally ridiculous website that is surely being linked, forwarded and cited everywhere possible. I’m not even going to give you the link–they don’t need the hits. Look’em up if you want to.

Sweet Goodie Mob, someone please stop this madness.

As a matter of fact, upon reflection, I retract my earlier plea for someone to make a hip-hop version of Rock Band.

The last thing I want to do is go to a house party and see a crowd of people gathered at the TV screen chanting along to “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo”.

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Late to the Party #1: “Juno”

Hello? Are you my Mommy?

Hello? Are you my Mommy?

Every now and then, I’m going to do a post called “Late to the Party”; my musings on big, pop-culture flashes of relatively recent memory.  First to bat: the indie-movie darling, Juno.

So what if Entertainment Weekly, Best Week Ever and The Soup met each other randomly at a bar, had some drinks, did some shots, and then, around closing time, The Soup turns to the other two and says, “Hey; how about we take this party back to my place and get nasty with it?” and then Best Week Ever wakes up the next morning with EW’s hand on her boob and The Soup winking at her in his wide-open holey robe and realizes she just had the worst night ever and then realizes that she’s pregnant, has to lay low during the off-season to have the baby, delivers it, and sends it to the Midwest.

That baby is Juno (and really, Juno).

So, aside from the somewhat surreal reaction of the parents, there’s the ootsy-cutesy indie movie “ticks” employed, like:

Micheal Cera’s character eats orange Tic-Tacs all the time!

She’s got a hamburger phone!

Asian exchange student likes to protest outside of abortion clinics! How “indie”!

And there’s also Jennifer Garner’s creepy performance inspired by her “yuppie-hermit life” with Ben Affleck.  Actually, I liked that.

But the real problem here, the biggest problem, is Juno’s unflappable ability to constantly deliver a stream of pop-infused references in a single sentence. It’s exhaustive.

Weirdo.

And you know what? When a kid like that gets to be a teenager and talks like that, not only are they social misfits….not only do they basically have to hang out with their family…. they don’t get knocked up.

No one’s banging The Soup/EW/Best Week’s kid, because kids like that are weird. And they’re into weird shit too, like hanging at your place and stealing your mom’s panties when you go to make PB&J’s to munch on.

So Juno sucks.

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