Tag Archives: Joe Biden

Just Biden Time

There’s few headlines that immediately send chills down my spine, but anything with Joe Biden, a man I’m convinced learned his governance politics from The Dukes of Hazard and G.I. Joe, gets me every time.

I mean it’s Joe’s very presence that makes me cringe whenever I hear Obama’s name during the nightly news because anyone foolhardy enough to include Biden in their administration is looking to have a national holiday named after them, if you catch my drift.

OH, OH I SEE--WE'RE JUST GOING TO SEND OL' 'CANKLE CLINTON' INTO IRAQ, YEAH? SOUNDS GREAT...JUST GREAT."

But there it is: “Biden to Iraq”.

How do these things happen?

I’ve got to imagine that good ol’ Uncle Joe must’ve muscled his way into that assignment, literally ripping the brief from Hillary’s hands during a meeting (“GO FIND YOURSELF A SKIRT, HILLY—MARRIED DAMES DON’T WEAR PANTS”) and then appointing himself as the “NU DIRECTOR OF STUFF SHE DID”.

His thinking? “LOOK BARACKY, YA DON’T SEND SECRETARIES TO DO A BOSS’ JOB, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?” (and then looks bewilderingly around the room).

Biden, who probably insists on being called things like “J.B.” or, “OPTIMUS PRIME” by the staff, was then probably sent to Iraq with the equivalent of “It’s over” on a Five Guys napkin signed by Barack and simply had to hand it over.

Biden consults with Roadblock on the Tomahawk.

He’d nod; Barack would nod.
Then Biden would leave the Oval Office, stuffing the napkin into his mouth.

“GET ME MY TOMAHAWK CHOPPER—THE ONE WITH ‘CALVIN PEEING’ ON THE BLADES—WE’RE GOING TO IRAQISKTAN.”

This is what happens when two your V.P. has watched ‘The Expendables’.

So yeah, he’ll get there, and in typical Biden fashion he’ll try and handle things his own way.

Instead of brokering peace or announcing U.S. withdrawal, one can bet that J.B. will instead do the following with (or rather, “to”) Iraq’s leaders:

  • First, he’ll introduce himself as an honored guest by bringing something like monkey brains or burning hearts or whatever else he gleaned while watching ‘Temple of Doom’ on the Tomahawk flight in. And probably a case of Yoo-Hoo because Uncle Joe looks like he drinks that kind of stuff.

    FOR AMERICA! FOR BARACKY!

  • Challenge the Iraqi leaders to an arm-wrestling contest. All of them. At the same time.
  • Suggest doing an “Strongman” competition where they’ll see who can pull a tank the farthest, using nothing but, “BACK MUSCLES, ROPE AND A LITTLE THING I CALL ‘CAN-DOISM’ ”. The winner “GETS THE UNIVERSE”.
  • Suggest doing an “Ironman” competition where they’ll see who can make a  flying suit of armor first out of IED fragments. What’s that–a flying suit sounds impossible? Not if you were smart enough to buy “magic beans” off that Iraqi boy outside the embassy like Uncle Joe did…..

HEH, HEH--THESE IRAQIS WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT'EM! BANG! IRON MAN! ROBERT DOWNEY JR!

Within 15mins, not only will we not withdraw troops, we’ll have jumpstarted a whole new skirmish with Iraq thanks to J.B. Trust me; this won’t end well.

So when it does happen, don’t say you didn’t know before hand.

After all, knowing is half the battle.

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The POTUS Menace

When Baracky took office a few months back, I was worried that he wouldn’t inspire the same fear and evoke the same power as George “Yosemite Sam” Bush did. I mean, after all, Baracky seemed like the kind of guy that if you pissed him off he’d say “Kids… I’m very, very disappointed in you. Finish your vegetables, and go to straight to bed. No Wynton Marsalis hum-alongs tonight”.

He’s the kind of guy that would use terms like “mister” or “young lady” when addressing people with scorn–which was why it was so crucial that he got Uncle Joe Biden as Veep, since UJB probably uses dress-downs like “pansy”, “broad” and “tramp”. I mean, really; I’m much more afraid of Michelle “dickpuncher” Obama than the actual POTUS. Where B.O. is all “disappointment” and “veggies”, Michelle is probably most likely to spank you in front of hanging portraits of Cleveland or something, all the while watching Oprah with a cool detachment that can only be described as “BTK-like”. This contrast is best captured in the pic below, taken at a Michelle-scheduled impromptu tryout for Ted Kennedy’s open seat held at the White House:

Obamas Wrestle

Barack: "Oh, careful boys!"

Just look at the two of them: Baracky’s virtually hiding behind Michelle with an “Oh my! That must hurt!” look–he’s like that black chick that Michael Jackson takes to the movies in Thriller.

And then there’s Michelle. Cooly watching the scene with a dark, murderous glee that makes you wish she hadn’t lost the role to Gary Oldman in Coppola’s Dracula. Her look is one of cruel amusement, and a face that seems to say, “I want to see one of these men bleed”. She’s like a Phoenix’s Commodus lording over Crowe’s Maximus Austrialianus Assholus Drunkus.

But that was apparently the old Barack. The one that wanted to appear on t-shirts, buttons and tampons. The new Barack Obama–the one that’s tired of hearing Michelle say “Bat-dammit Barack, you Smurf me like  POTUS Bush, when I want that Clinton kind of Smurfing…”–he’s stepping into the ring now, as evidenced during his Health(s)care speech, when he issued a bounty on anyone in Congress that twisted the words or intentions of his plan to use–actually I’m not sure what exactly, but I think it combined the use of the Care Bear Stare, tax cuts and an impending sneaker deal–to reform our nation’s healthcare industry.

This one’s taking the fight to fools, beating them off quick and hard, like your mother.

No more of that “pen is mightier than the sword” schtick:

imaginary sword

En garde with my strong diction!

He’s playing for keeps now! Now he’s watching over fights, like this death-match between UJB and Joe Wilson:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate."

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate."

And then, when UJB fell, Barack Smoothtalker stepped in himself to thwart Darth Wilson:

barack skywalker

"It would appear as though my Barack is bigger than yours."

and in his bloodlust, surprised all the attendees by turning on the Emperor(ess), Vader-style:

Michelle: If you strike me, I will return stronger than before...

Michelle: "Barack, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine..."

It was a move that, naturally, stunned the crowd of spectators and press people alike. But in a savvy attempt to redeem himself, Barack reached into his magic bag (last seen during the elections) and offered the magical Golden Compass to Murderball Junior League’ :

golden compassFour more years! Four more years!

*Chewbacca roar*

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The Kids….turns 120!

That’s right, in blog years The Kids Don’t Get It has, as of this post, turned 120 posts old and is proudly celebrating its 8,516th hit as of this entry. In human terms, I believe that The Kids….now has nuts and is wearing probably wearing a C-cup. Yes, both.

Anyway, to commemorate this historic event I thought it’d be nice to take a stroll down memory lane and re-up links to some of the most popular posts here on The Kids….as dictated kid-birthday-cakeby you, The Reader. And so, in no particular order, I present…………….

The Kids Don’t Get It Greatest Hits:

1. I always knew that this blog was the sh*t, and I like to think it started here, with the first-ever C.R.A.P. entry.

2. Access is everything: thanks to our hacker-y skills, we were able to read Angelina “Dog, the Baby Hunter” Jolie Twitter-transcripts from the Oscars. And it was hilarious.

3. In the market for new jeans? Great, just don’t buy these unless you’re curious about what it’s like to be a woman, or, a cartoon character.

4. Pissed off your sweetheart? In the market for horny flowers? Go to this ranch and ask for Rosemary. Or Georgia O’Keefe.

5. Affirmative Action in videogames. Zombie, get your hand out my pocket!

6. Want to curse til you’re blue in the face? Yeah, me too.

7. Remember that time in college when you hooked up with your roomie’s mom? Yeah, she does too–forever.

8.  The KKK wants you to buy their video game too.

9. The next time they do ‘Wife Swap’, I’m putting in a request to get a mom like this.

10. Coming through a wall near you: Joe Biden!

…and since it’s my blog, I’m doing a top-11 instead of 10. Smurf-it, I figure–who cares? And so, #11: Want to know what happened to that crazy ex of yours? She’s making an army to come after you.

Thanks for making this blog the #1 blog on WordPress.com with the name The Kids Don’t Get It. I’d say that I couldn’t have done it without you, but then that makes it sound like I’m not doing all the writing.

And please, by all means, spread this blog around!

The Kids

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The Kids….are just Biden time on Twitter

Uh-oh. I’m looking at my Rol-y and it’s about that time, for Uncle Joe Biden to drop some lines.

I’ve reported in the past on the Twitter-ings of Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie, but this week we’re checking in on everyone’s favorite drunken uncle–Uncle Joe Biden!

I was only somewhat shocked to learn that Uncle Joe had a Twitter account; after all, I always imagine that Uncle Joe spends most cabinet meetings with his feet propped-up on the table, eating Twizzlers and launching NERF missiles at Rahm.

Something like that.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to share with you the latest Twitter-ings of Joe Biden, V.P. of the U.S.A. and Chair of the White House No Sissies Club.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Uncle Joe.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: SAY UNCLE!

11:14pm: HOT JAM ON TOAST I’M V.P. HALLELUJAH FALLUJAH THIS IS SWEET

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

11:17pm: NO REALLY I DONT THINK YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS JOB IS FRIGGIN’ SWEET. I JUST HAD CAP’N CRUNCH IN THE OVAL OFFICE. CAP’N CRUNCH! THEY DONT EVEN MAKE THAT CEREAL ANYMORE BUT I SAID DAMN I WANT SOME CAP’N CRUNCH AND-SHAZAM!-SOMEONE BRINGS ME CAPN CRUNCH LOVE THIS JOB THANK YOU DELAWARE

11:24pm: SO BARACKY’S ALL UPSET ABOUT THAT ASSHAT SISSIE ASKING ABOUT OUR PROGRESS LAST NIGHT. SISSIE. I SAYS TO BARACKY I SAYS TO HIM U WANT THAT I PUT THAT JAG-OFF IN A HEADLOCK BOSS? AND HE’S ALL NO NO JOE WE CANT HAVE THAT BUT I SAY BALONEY TO THAT BALONEY SO I’M GETTING HIM ANYWAY I’M WAITING IN HIS BUSHES NOW

11:34pm STILL WAITING IN BUSHES JUST PEED ON HIS DOG REMINDER AMERICANS: CURB YOUR DOGS

11:45pm: GOT’IM. HE’S IN A SACK OVER MY SHOULDER CRYIN

12:00am: ei549wij4n5lkm70s9-ids49w-4jjgsmbs=-0vini3q93-v8a0an3-q9z797363ob2b66n20aann80afn80-283q535onanfan.n.n2–8ina3qp0a==kafmn931-9-gngamapntwog48wq3i5on4-95-9nsn3qn35/sg-g9-=awa924no

12:02am: KNOW WHAT THAT WAS? THAT WAS ME BANGING THAT SISSIE’S FACE ON MY KEYBOARD. I LEARNED’IM, I LEARNED’IM REAL GOOD MESS WITH BARACKY U GET THE BIDEN BULLRUSH

12:15am: HAD SECRET SERV DROP WHINY BOY OFF AT HOME AGAIN. WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW; CONVINCED BOSSMAN THAT WE NEED AN X-FILES OFFICE SO BARACKY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF A COMMISSION INVESTIGATING ZOMBIE ATTAX. THEY EAT BRAINS YOU KNOW. CRAZY!

6:05am: FELL ASLEEP WATCHIN’ THE WATCHMEN IN TEH OVAL OFFICE. AWESOME MOVIE. IT’S GOT A HUGE BLUE GUY NAKED WITH A BIG WEINER. WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

JOE BIDEN DOES!

7:11am: JUST HAD PIZZA FOR BFAST BEST JOB EVER

7:14am: JUST SCHEDULED TO DO AN INTERVIEW WITH CONNIE CHUNG FOR MSNBC. CANT WAIT GOING TO GET TO USE MY LINE ON HER: SO WHAT’RE YOU DOING TONITE CONNIE? NOTHING, HUH? HOW ABOUT U LET ME WANG-CHUNG TONITE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEWT LOVES THAT JOKE

8:44am: BIG MEETING TO TALK ABOUT STIMULUS PACKAGE AND RECESSION SOLUTIONS. MY SUGGESTION TO THE COMMITTEE? PUT A RING ON IT! GET IT? BEYONCE SONG

8:57am ON MY WAY UP CAPITOL HILL TO MEETING. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED THAT I SAID TODAY IS ‘FUNNY HAT DAY’. I HAVE A VIKING HAT

9:07am: ME BARACKY AND DOUBLE-D’S-PELOSI ARE ALL SITTIN TOGETHER. I LVE THIS IT’S LIKE WE’RE THE AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES. SHE’S SIMON BARACKY’S PAULA AND I’M RANDY. LET’S DO THIS MEETING DOGS!

9:08am: BORING MEETING. DRAW FUNNY PICTURES OF NANCY AND HILLARY HUGGIN AND KISSIN EACH OTHER PELOSI’S SAYING ‘UR SO HOT’ TO HILLARY AND I GOT HILLARY SAYING ‘OOH BABY BABY’. HIL’S WEARIN A SOMBRERO I LOVE CARTOONS READ PEANUTS SAVE OUR

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

NEWSPAPERS

9:10am JSUT SHOWED YM CARTOON TO BARACKY. EVEN HE SMILED AT IT A BIT. LIL’ DEVIL. I’M GETTIN HIM SOME KOOL-AID AND PUDDING FOR LUNCH. MAYBE A LUNCHABLE TOO.

MAYBE!

9:12am: BORING MEETING PLAYING WII BOWLING BARACKY SENT ME OUT TIL IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DO MY ZOMBIE REPORT. I BROUGHT A BAGGIE FULL OF GRAPE JELLY AND HAM TO SMEAR ON MY FACE TO HELP CONVINCE THEM THE ZOMBIE THREAT IS REAL

9:57am GOT BORED SO I JUST WALKED IN THE MIDDLE OF STIMULUS MEETING IN FULL ZOMBIE MAKE’UP AND SAID ‘I AM HERE TO EAT UR BRAINS AND CONSTITUTION’ EVERYONE’S SCREAMIN AND RUNNIG NOW. ZOMBIES ARE REAL TO THEM NOW. VALIDATED. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

10:15am: I GOT A SHIPMENT OF YOO-HOO COMING IN FOR THIS WEEKEND’S SLEEPOVER AT TEH V.P. CRIB. CATCH YA LATER TWITTERS. AND IF YOU SEE ANY ZOMBIES YOU PUNCH’EM IN THE GUT AND TELL’EM UNCLE JOE SAYS HI. JUST MAKE SURE U’VE GOT A BASEBALL CAP ON OR THEY’LL BITE UR BRAINS. OR, PUT A RING ON IT! BEYONCE SONG

BYE!

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