Tag Archives: Make A Wish Foundation

Gorilla Airfare

When most people travel to Central America, they come back with the typical fare:

  • tans
  • sombreros
  • pictures from the “donkey show”

    "Sh-t; they're onto us!"

  • syphilis
  • Penelope Cruz (and if you think that’s the closest that Penelope Cruz has been associated with a donkey show, you haven’t seen Vanilla Sky)

Y’know; normal stuff.

Not so if you’re Roberto Cabrera. On his way to Mexico City from Lima, Peru he was stopped in Mexico City Airport by security on the grounds of seeming “nervous”.

If you’ve ever traveled to Mexico City, this may not raise much alarm. Years ago I visited Mexico City with a friend, and when we arrived in the airport, we were stopped at some point by airport security.

The exchange went like this:

Mexico City Airport Security: “Where are you traveling to, amigo negro?”

Me: “Here. Mexico City.”

Mexico City Airport Security: “Oh, a smartass, eh? Search Puff Daddy’s buttocks with the spoon we use for re-fried beans. Pfft; ‘Mexico City’. ”

So, I don’t like to stereotype, but I understand.

But that has its limits.

"Remember to stay quiet until I give you the sign Mr. Crunchy."

Why was Roberto Cabrera nervous? Well, upon closer inspection with the re-fried beans spoon, aeropuerto security discovered that Cabrera was actually smuggling 18 monkeys under his t-shirt in a girdle.

I’m going to isolate this sentence so you can appreciate this for what it is:

Aeropuerto security discovered that Cabrera was actually smuggling 18 monkeys under his t-shirt in a girdle.

I mean I really just don’t know where to begin.

First of all, I have to confess: when I saw the headline “Man Arrested Smuggling 18 Monkeys in Clothing”, I was convinced that this was a white person, because if there’s one thing that white people love more than wearing Teva sandals everywhere they go, it’s monkeys.

To kiss. To have as pets. To make wear stupid things like tuxedos and shock collars (now that all that Jim Crow stuff’s been sorted out). They just do.

But no; Cabrera is from a whole other raza, and really, I don’t think even this raza is going to renew his membership anytime soon.

But how lax is the security in Lima, Peru? I mean seriously, WTF.

Here in the States, we have to remove our shoes, give a stool sample and recite the theme song of Blossom before we’re allowed to board a plane.

"Air Lima: When you absolutely HAVE to get your monkey there."

Hell, even in New Orleans Airport I had to show them the watermarks on my jeans to prove I’d spent time in the city.

But apparently Lima’s airport security is about as secure as a Kardashian chastity belt.

Surely someone would’ve noticed Cabrera’s roving, writhing flesh as he walked onto the plane, right? You really can’t chalk that up to “Montezuma’s Revenge”.

And we’re talking 18 monkeys here–18 monkeys.

I can maybe–MAYBE–see if the guy was smuggling 1 monkey–hell I’m feeling generous today, 2 monkeys–in a t-shirt, but 18?! Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know how to quiet 1 monkey–when I was a kid I watched people throw peanuts and car batteries at chimps in the Monkey House at the Philadelphia Zoo–so how Roberto “Tarzan” Cabrera managed to silence 18 of these little f-cks, well…that’s some shit we haven’t seen since Noah.

But the feats don’t end there. I Googled and discovered that the flight from Lima to Mexico City is 5hrs and 50mins–well, probably more like 12hrs, because we all know how slow and lazy even Mexican pilots are.

"Quick Thelonius; hide!"

Kidding. Nearly 6hrs! What in-flight movie is going to keep 18 monkeys quiet for that long?

Well, I suppose if they played M. Night’s latest flick, The Last Airbender, that might do the trick; it put an entire nation to sleep, so it could probably do the same to a dozen and a 1/2 titi monkeys.

And didn’t anyone sit next to him on this flight?

Weren’t the flight attendants suspicious when he constantly requested more courtesy peanuts and a bottle of “General Aurellisimo’s All-Purpose Lice Removal Powder”?

I’m not sure what one offers as an explanation when one is caught with 18 monkeys:

  • I broke my other monkey, so I bought 18 new ones to spank.
  • I only need 982 more monkeys and only 999 more typewriters before they begin writing a novel for me.
  • I’ll have you know that these monkeys are part of the Make A Wish Foundation; their last wish is to see Mexico City. Also, the Miami Heat.
  • These monkeys are part of a blood-letting ceremony to revive the corpse of the King of Pop.

Cabrera was of course smuggling the monkeys into Mexico City for money; with more and more “uppity” Mexican women choosing the workforce and education, there’s less tail to go around when American fratboys and/or their businessmen dads come to town looking for some action.

Pimp: “Lo siento senor, but I’m afraid our brothel is fresh out of women tonight. But we do have Lim-Lim, our most ‘native’ pleasurer.”

American: “Where’s Lim-Lim from?”

Pimp: “…..Titi.”

American: “Titi? I think they did the last Real World/Road Rules Challenge in Titi! What’s Lim-Lim look like?”

Pimp: “Small, brown, big eyes, acrobatic with a big tail. I must warn you; she’s muy wild, amigo.”

"Lim-Lim get dressed; your 12:00 is here."

American: “So am I, Alamo. Here’s 15 pesos. Keep the change.”

Pimp: “She may scratch you, friend. She is, in plain ingles, ‘savage’ .”

American: “Dude, if you keep spoiling all the fun ahead of time, I’ll never be able to get it up for this monkey. Now scram!”

In the end, I’m not sure how you properly persecute such a person. Taking a man’s monkeys away from him seems cruel somehow, though I suppose not as cruel as being packed against said man’s belly for 6hrs.

Surely, the Mexican authorities must’ve been baffled too–they’re used to drug mules, not covert monkeys.

Jail-time’s going to be rough for Cabrera; if prisoners hate child abusers, I can’t imagine what they’d do to a monkey smuggler.

Best not drop the banana methinks.


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Mayer of New Pork

In a recent interview with Playboy, John Mayer, he of the creepy “Daughters” song (I mean really, who writes a song imploring parents to be good to their apparently still-young daughters so that eventually a pedo-Mayer can bang them without feeling guilty afterwards?), and he of the randomized appearance on “Chappelle’s Show”(more on that in a bit), admitted that sex with once-upon-a-condom-girlfriend

With support from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, lil' Johnny Mayer gets to meet Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson was like “napalm“.

Now, I remember learning in 7th grade Social Studies class that napalm was actually very bad. The U.S. used it as part of air attacks against North Koreans because of all the shitty Hyundais they were making or because they’d kidnapped Patty Hearst.

Something like that.

This was easier to remember (and learn) when my gifted-talented class re-enacted the air raids in class with the exchange student, me.

Anyway, the point is that I remember that napalm burned. So, this makes Mayer’s declaration rather absurd: when he says sleeping with Jessica was like “sexual napalm” he might mean bomb-ass, celebrity sex-tape-leaked-love-making, but I can’t help but picture Mayer writhing on the bed in pain with one of those Korean rice-farmer hats on while he holds his smoldering crotch.

I mean it’s totally possible that sex with J. Simpson burns–her ex-hubby was in 98 degrees–but I always imagined that sex with Jessica was like her music career: pretty bland and closely managed by her dad.

It does at least grant Simpson an entry on the exclusive Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List though:

Mayer relieves himself after conquering Fort Simpson

Yahoo!’s Celebrity Military Sex-Weapons List:

1. Lindsay Lohan–“sexual dirty bomb”

2. Amy Winehouse–“sexual Molotov cocktail”

3. Tila Tequila–“sexual Agent Orange”

4. Jessica Simpson–“sexual napalm”

5. Fergie–“sexual tranny-dong bomb”

Congrats, Jess! I don’t think any of your songs have even charted that high.

Anyway, in honor of this revelation, John asked The Kids to help him re-write his hit song “Daughters” to cash-in on this controversy.

The Kids Don’t Get It Re-Writes ‘Daughters’ For John Mayer (done to original ‘Daughters’ tune):

...you wouldn't hit a girl in mom jeans, would you?

Joe, you did good, with your daugh-ter

she’s a girl I like to do

her ‘tang is like na-palm

which we dropped during Viet-nam

so I suggest that you get some o’ that too

But that’s not even the real topper here with the Mayer-Playboy interview: at one point, Mayer talks debates with his interviewer the idea that since he’s pals with Kanye, Dave Chappelle and Jay-Z, he’s somehow got a N-word pass (oh, and he actually uses the N-word. I just pray that his next song isn’t “Your Body’s a N-word Land”).

While the use of the N-word is eye-ball-gougingly-obnoxious–I mean it’s enough to make a man want to run through the halls of my high school….to scream at the top of my lungs–what I find really hilarious is the very idea that if such a pass existed that they’d give it to someone like John Mayer.

John Mayer!

Do you really think we’d ruin our 28-day celebration this month by granting John Mayer a “community pass”?! Not with the NBA All-Star game and the Grammys happening too!

Besides, previous recipients of the “pass”, had some real swagger to them:

  • Bill Clinton–bad ass who hated whitey so much he married one and had a goofy-looking kid, and then spent his time in office jailing more blacks than Bush and Reagan (please keep that in mind next time we want to celebrate the “first black prez”). Talk about black-on-black crime!
  • Michael Rappaport–crazy white-guy actor that was so street and urban he was probably jailed during the Clinton years.
  • Eminem–fast-talking gimmick rapper with corny-ass jokes–but a great flow. Black!

Now where do you see John Mayer–who looks like one of those St. Jude kids people are always raising money for–fitting into a list like that? Black passes don’t grow on trees you know (though the Man would have you think that they do and we’re just too lazy to pick’em).

So I call shenangigans on John “the napalm N-word” Mayer.

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