Tag Archives: Oprah Winfrey

It’s a Win-Winfrey Situation

Oprah looking at some "legend's balls"

They say that white women are the black man’s Kryptonite, and so I’ve always said that white women’s Kryptonite (WWK) is Oprah Winfrey.

I know what you’re going to say: “But Kids, I’ve seen the Oprah show–there’s colored women in the audience all the time.” Yeah, but here’s the thing, stupid: those are like all her relatives–cousins flown in from out-of-town to support their cousin. If you read the exit attendance rosters, you’ll see names like “Fropah”, “JoePah”, “Lopah”, “Bropah” and “Maya Angelou” who’s allowed to be there every show– same seat, same clothes, same pained look on her face– largely because none of the staffers are sure whether she’s alive or not (“is that caged bird singing or not?”).

Well, anyway, WWK and one of The Kids’ favorite targets–media Godzilla, Oprah Winfrey–announced that she was stepping down from her talk show throne.

The crazy thing is though, is that she announced that her show’s not ending for another two years.

During her first weeks of retirement, Oprah will return to Tattoine to gaze at Han Solo's frozen body in her enterainment chamber.

Who the Smurf announces something two years in advance? If you ever wanted/needed/refuted proof that Oprah was essentially nothing more than Nell Carter with a better weave and a talk show couch well, there you have it. Happy holidays.

To be fair, reports are that she’s planning on going into cable programming, and if it’s anything like getting service from Comcast, she probably needs to put her bid in two years ahead of time.

Anyway, with 730 (or, I as like to call it, “two Oprahs”) days until her final airing, it’s fine time to start guessing how she might or should end her show.

And so, some suggestions on how the Queen of Talk can take her final walk:

  1. Unveil her Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float–along with Spiderman, she’d be the perfect addition to the collection of larger-than-life, full-of-hot-air things floating down the streets of Manhattan. I imagine her float will have a microphone in one hand, Stedman’s nuts in the other, and hordes of suburban moms dancing on her back. In an Oprah surprise twist, she’ll actually be the float itself. They will play Kelis’ “Milkshake” as she floats on by.

    "....and here they are: a Pokemon, a toy soldier and Chicago's own OPRAH WINFREY! Retirement's never looked so good, Katie!"

  2. Thanks to the efforts of her producers, she will be reunited with her childhood friends Christopher Robin and Piglet.
  3. Invite all the things that her show spawned to take a curtain call with her: Dr. Phil, Tom Cruise and his sex-slave Katie Holmes, Maya Angelou’s corpse, Tyra Banks and her fivehead forehead, and middle-class white women dementia.
  4. In one corner: Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell. In the other corner: Oprah Winfrey and Gail King. Bell sounds. Mud-wrestling match begins.
  5. “The Winfrey Gauntlet”–where Oprah has to run (or gallop or trot or whatever she does) through a series of physical challenges like on the old American Gladiators show, only instead of dick-eating muscle-bound “ladies” like Diamond, she’s got to face all the old talk show hosts that she’s defeated over the years. Jenny Jones shooting NERF balls at her weave. Rope-racing Phil Donahue. Arm-wrestling Ricki Lake. With color commentary by Tempest Bledsoe and Montell Williams.

    Can Oprah best both Ricki Lake AND Judge Judy in the Gauntlet????

Oprah excitedly imploring the 'razzi to "Watch this!" before pounding Stedman one to the face.

So yes. She’s got some options. And she’s got 2 Oprahs and counting before she has to decide.

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The Preacher’s Winfrey

People Winfrey Houston

She just stole Oprah's ring.

In the same vein as Celebrity Boxing and Shaq vs., Oprah Winfrey has decided to tackle interviewing Whitney Houston as part of her 24th season premiere week. Between this and the earlier Black Eyed Peas performance she had on her show this week, I’m more convinced than ever that Stedman’s been purposely feeding Oprah rotten krill from her snack bucket the last couple weeks.

I’m honestly not sure who’s the bigger crackhead nowadays–these two women could swap faces like Cage and Travolta in Face/Off and I’d believe it–but the promo that I saw for it showed the two of them sitting on an empty stage–presumably so Houston couldn’t sell anything for smack (that’s for you, Claudia) later.

Before we launch into our latest foray into the world of Winfrey, a few words about the woman I call “OW”.

  • Since when did it become blasphemous to criticize Oprah Winfrey? I’ve heard jokes about child porn, Popes, Jesus and everyone’s mom, and yet, you say something about OW, and people want to waterboard you. Did I miss the part where she became something other than a talk show host? Did she cure something freaky like orphanism or midgetry and I missed it? I just skimmed the headlines at Oprah.com. First of all, she’s not even eating krill on her website. LAME. Anyway, the headlines read as follows: “Whitney Houston”, “Mariah Carey”, “Flash Mob Scene”, “Patrick Swayze”, and “Dr. Phil is Back!”–these are the same headlines you’d find on TMZ.com. Plus, her symbol looks like the same “O” for “Overstock.com”–that website that has commercials with the woman straddling discounted products and spanking herself. This is what people are following?

    She just stole Oprah's bra.

    She just stole Oprah's bra.

  • Anyone that praises the likes of Maya “Red Foxx” Angelou is lame.
  • Oprah once hated on beef a la the “Mad Cow” fiasco so much she had to stand trial for it. Yet that self-same week there’s video of her eating raw beef with a bib on exclaiming, “I hate you, yet I love you” over and over again with blood-stained beefy lips. A few moments later, Gayle King is seen emerging from under the table, also with a bib on.

Yeah so anyway, OW’s interviewing the S

The awkward ride after.

Gayle and Oprah, the awkward ride after.

now Queen herself this week in not one, but two episodes. I would’ve thought the only numbers following the name “Whitney Houston” would be “5-10” or at the least “8 ball” but there you have it. A two-parter with the Queen of Daytime TV. Crack’s never been this good to anyone.

I refuse to watch this, but if I were to watch the show, I imagine the following will occur during this sensational two-parter:

  • Oprah noting at the start of the show that the interview is being conducted on an empty stage to prevent Whit from stealing couches, lamps or grip boys in an attempt to sell them for crack.

    krill

    Krill.

  • Oprah conducting the entire interview with a glaring, scorching spotlight trained on Houston the entire time with a cold glass of crack sitting on a table right out of Whitney’s reach.
  • OW showing Whitney what continued Bobby-crack would do to her physical appearance over the years by using one of those split-screens. One side will be Whitney’s current face and the other side? Fergie’s.
  • Oprah, determined to hammer home the deconstruction Whit was causing herself, will provide the classic anti-drug demonstration starting with the line, “this is drugs. This–” before Whit exclaims, “DRUGS?!”, grabs the frying pan, runs back stage, and spends the next hour trying to snort it, cook it, inject it before finally just calling Bobby.

But really, what’s this interview going to reveal anyway that we all haven’t already assumed/felt like we already know? Unless she’s going to reveal that it was actually Kevin Costner that intro’d her to crack and not Bobby, Shthere’s not much to be surprised about or learn here. And in my limited interaction with crackheads, one of the biggest things I know is that you can’t believe a word that they’re saying. Nothing. Not a damn one.

I can hear it now: “See, see, here’s the thing Harpo, I mean Oprah– that wasn’t crack, baby, that was powdered sugar. Whitney runs on Dunkin’.”

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