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List o’ the Week: Worst Superhero Parents # 7-6

The latest list from The Kids is answering the question: “can two fugged up people uglies and create someone that turns out SUPER, albeit a little messed-up?”.

For many of us, that would be a resounding “YES”–one would need look at the above question and quickly hit your joy-buzzer and reply with, “What is Joe and Katherine Jackson?”. But here we’re talking about superheroes not Kings (and Queens and Jermaine’s) of Pop.

So sure, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Plastic Man are all great guys and all, but what about their mamas? Do you punch the Joker because he’s The JOKER or are you punching him because your mom made you sleep in the same bed that your big brother Heath used to sleep in? And wear his pajamas. And use his sippy cup.

Get it? No? Well read Part 1 then; the rest of us will get on with our lives.

The Kids Don’t Get It Worst Superhero Parents #’s 7-5

7. Uncle Ben and Aunt May Parker (The Adoptive Parents of Spider-Man)

You know, if you’re 75+ yr olds Ben and May Parker, and you’ve taken in the nephew who lost his parents to a car accident, you should probably try and, I dunno, spend some time with him.

Go to the movies.

Take him to get jeans at the Gap. Parent stuff.

You can at least chaperon high school field trips to a science lab, so if your unlucky surrogate son gets bitten by a radioactive spider, there’s someone there other than the HS Science Teacher or that creepy kid Harry Osbourn to suck the venom out. Parenting’s all about anticipation— I mean, even Charlie’s grandpa went to the f-cking Chocolate Factory with him, what once he saw it was run by that dope-fiend, Gene Wilder.

Instead? Aunt May and Uncle Ben get EPIC PARENTING FAIL.

Later, Peter learns that old Lazy Bones Ben Parker’s too broke to pay the billz, so he wrestles some dude for money! In an effort to prove he’s tough too, Uncle Ben tries to eat a bullet through his chest. Didn’t work, but leaves Spider-Man with the mantra that defines his career: “Better ingredients, better pizza. Papa John’s”. No, wait, that’s: “…with great power comes great responsibility”–a great phrase for a young man with superpowers, pursuing a college degree, or boning someone without a condom.

And instead of working again–I think there’s an earlier comic that features Aunt May midwifing a T-rex– Aunt May wiles away spending her time hating Spider-Man through Glenn Beck-like hate-letters-to-the-editor to The Daily Bugle (“Spider-man Created Gays”; “Spider-Man Is a Muslim”; “BP Oil Spill? Web Fluid!”)–and weekends faking her death.

February 16, 1978: Fake Death #17--Heart Attack

September 5, 1988: Fake Death #45--Old People Disease

December 25, 1995: Fake Death #77--Gun Shot Wound (as inspired by Uncle Ben)

April 12, 1997: Fake Death #210--Permanent Coma

6. Mutant Parents (Parents of The X-Men recruits)

Apparently enrolling your mutant  kid in school in the Marvel Comics Universe is a cinch: there’s no need for a campus visit, no interest or need to see a brochure; shit, you don’t even ask what degree the kids are graduating with. The Xavier Institute of Higher Learning (secret headquarters of the X-Men) seems to consist of roughly the same admissions rigor as the University of Phoenix: just sign-up for an AOL account.

So how do these kids find the X-Men school?

Well like most militant cults, the X-Men target the marginalized kids. Basically head professor Charles Xavier sends his merry band of X-Men have a recruitment handbook outlined with these easy strategies:

  • Go To Where Kids Hang Out: on the street corner, in ice cream shops, or in the dressing room of a children’s clothing store
  • Isolate Them and Convince Them That They’re ‘Special’:
  • Educate Them About The War Against Special People Like Us
  • Show Them That We Wear Skin-Tight Clothing
  • Stab Them

    "Join us!"

  • Bring Them Back to School in the X-van

20/20 called this approach The Kitty Pryde Story. As a girl that can walk through solid objects, Kitty was recruited by the X-Men while at a soda shop–they told her about a great place for Kids Like Her, and hey, we’ve got even better sodas and cute boys at this new place, and hey, you don’t mind occasionally bleeding or watching classmates die, right?

Then for the next 24hrs she gets wrapped up in a (probably staged) battle as the X-Men Fight For Their Lives.

When it’s all over and Kitty’s outraged parents find them, what do the X-Men do? They erase her parents’ minds! Right in front of her!

So much PARENT FAIL here: human absent-minded parents don’t care that she’s gone for a day, while her new parents (super-powered, multi-cultured, rough mutant sex) immediately show her that hey,when life gives you yuppie lemons, you make them forget shit.

"Can't sit down. Can't..remember..why..?"

So maybe Kitty’s bottom’s sore for reasons other than “a really long spaceship ride with Wolverine”…..?


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