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List O’ the Week: Worst Superhero Parents #8-10

If you’re like everyone else, and by “everyone else” I mean, “people that are attending the San Diego Comic-Con” (that’s comic book convention, kids), you’re really into superheroes and what makes them tick.

Seeing how most of us blame our adult issues on mom and pops, it only makes sense that that must be at the root of superheroes becoming superheroes, right? I mean it must take spectacularly bad parents to make a superhero; it’s why Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston’s daughter is destined to become Afro-dite and while Jon & Kate’s batch of Gremlins will similarly result in some biracial real-life X-Men team.

But, I suppose we can elaborate, can’t we? So we’re going to look at how these heroes were created; specifically, how bad of a parent you have to be convince your child to sit in the dark wearing a mask and whore-tight clothing.

So strap-on your mask, cape and insecurity: Mama’s gonna teach you to fly.

The Kids Don’t Get It Worst Superhero Parents #’s 10-8

10. Mr.and Mrs. J’onnz (The Martian the Manhunter’s Parents):

No Earth. No Wind. No Fire.

Martian the Manhunter (MtM) is, well, a martian–the kind that comes from outer space, not to be confused with the one who dated “Gina”–that’s “Martin Lawrence” , as in Martin, but we’ll forgive you for making such an error. MtM was born on Mars and was DC’s even-more-alien ‘Superman’, because no one wanted to write stories of a brown-skinned Superman of Earth flying the skies of Detroit or something. Like Supes, MtM can fly, lift things and shoot eye-beams. And can read people’s minds.

All a clever play on not having a Black Superman–I mean Black guys can read people’s minds too. When I’m walking in the city, I know that the white lady I’m passing is thinking, “this Barack clone is going to snag my purse”–that’s why she quietly pulls it close. And when a shapely chick is strolling down the street, she tugs at the back of her skirt because she’s thinking, “this coloured man is eager to sneer at my hindquarters once I’ve passed”. I can read it like I read my Gmail.

MtM even has a black name–J’onn J’onzz. That could easily be the guy sweeping your office or a member of Jodeci. Or both. And then there’s his ‘Kryptonite’: fire.

Bah! Everyone knows that brothers’ real Kryptonite consist of water (can’t swim, slave ships), cops, and not being drafted/signed to a label.

Mississippi burning

So what makes J’onn J’onnz’s parents so b’ad b’ad? Because of all the things that they could’ve taught him–how to not look Superman in the eye when he speaks to him, how to speak ‘proper’, the cultural bias built into Justice League Membership test–they instead taught MtM how to be a shape-shifter. A shape-shifter!

This dude could be Affirmative Action Superman, and his parents want him to learn how to be like everybody else. Could there be a crueler message to send to a colored man with so much untapped potential of his own? I don’t think so.

Don’t worry MtM; you my J’onnz.

9.  Gloria Steinem and Aphrodite (Wonder Woman’s Parents):

Raised on the Amazonian chick-ranch Paradise Island (it’s where they shoot all the Venus shaving gel commercials), Wonder Woman was

"Wwwwhhhhheeeeeeeee!"

born and bred to be a princess, ambassador and a warrior. Look, I’m all for strong women types–that’s why I’m such a huge Kim Kardashian fan!–but the Amazonians spent years Diana (Wonder’s real name) to be a strong, just and noble representative of The Ultimate Woman and what’s her mother’s first advice in sending her daughter into Man’s World?

“Put on this star-spangled thong, gold tiara and Athena’s old bustier and for Zeus’ sake girl, get some bracelets!”

And then she was gifted with an invisible plane that everyone could see through because women should be seen at all times, but not heard. Gotta get them mens, right?

The result of Wonder Woman’s mission of “How to Serve Man” is almost biblical in proportions:

  • there was Wonder Woman, who begat Strawberry Shortcake

    "Who has time for a career? I've got undies to wear!"

  • who begat Veronica/Betty in Archie Comics
  • who begat Cheetara, den-kitten to Panthro, Lion-O and Wily-Cat
  • who begat Catwoman
  • who begat Blanche on The Golden Girls
  • who begat Xena
  • who begat Samantha on Sex and the City
  • who begat Katie Perry

Each previous one has been consumed by the last because Their Can Be Only One.

8. Mr. and Mrs. Rogers (Captain America’s Parents)

"Your milkshake called me to the yard, Suzie"

Picture this: it’s like 1940 and you’re a young Caucasian boy with a bright, bright future ahead of him. You’ve graduated high school which in the early 40’s was the only other prereq to becoming POTUS (besides being white male which didn’t change until Clinton). You’re probably thinking, “man, I can’t wait to go to the malt shop and have Old Black Sam make me and Suzie Beaver a swell milkshake!” and then after that milkshake you’ll take Suzie Beaver and screw her because “Suzie, there’s a war going on and I don’t know if you’ll make it, or I’ll make it or even your queer little brother Harold will, but I know I got this thing here, and while it can’t punch Hitler, it can certainly blitzkrieg you.”

But no. Not happening if your Steve Rogers. If you’re Steve Rogers, you’ve got parents that say, “did you know Old Black Sam’s son J’onn J’onnz is volunteering in the war?! What are you doing with yourself? Stop playing with that twat Suzie Beaver!”, so you run down Marmalade Lane….Brightwood Ave….Mulberry Lane…and now your chest is heaving because usually you only have to chase the coloured boys out of Brightwood, and you’re realizing that you aren’t even fit for war, and that Suzie Beaver’s not going to want your weezy, wimpy noodle with studs like Old Black Sam around, and you don’t want to die and come back as a ghost just to watch them screw do you?

No!

So you’re Steve Rogers, high school graduate, American-lover, Hitler-hater, and sick of people making fun of the fact that your dad’s got that weird neighborhood “kids show”, so you go where? To the Army! And when you get there and they see you can’t lift towels but you Bleed This American Life, well, they say “we’re going to pump this sissy full of that stuff we were going to use on those Tuskeegee boys” and whamm0!–you’re stuck faster’n you can say Mein Kampf, and now you’re PUMPED, you’re going to the front-line of the war, you’re CAPTAIN AMERICA and you’re going to punch Hitler in the face because he looks like Mr. Rogers with a mustache and you’re bringing Bucky along with you because he’s you man, and you want to see someone Shut Daddy’s Mouth Up.

and…and…and….

"BEAVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

BEAVER!!!!

#’s 7-10 next.

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