Is there any worse Evite than the one that says, “Michael Vick Invites You To….”?
In the past that Evite would’ve said something like “Come to my house and chill on Aug 20th. I’ve got the beer and chips covered, you bring any unused dogs you don’t want.” A Michael Vick party is probably the only celebrity/athlete party where it’s probably a good idea to make it a Netflix night instead. I mean why go to Vick’s place when you can catch it all on Cops anyway?
As if dog-fighting (“they were playing! They were just dogs being dogs!”) wasn’t enough, after spending a year or so recuperating his image with the public–making TMZ.com-type appearances shopping with dogs, decorating X-Mas trees with dogs, teaching dogs to drive, and being Donovan McNabb’s b-tch–Vick decides to throw a party for his 30th birthday.
All was going well for most of the night–the weed bin was surely flowing like oh-so-much soda fountain, the strippers were still riding their coke high, and at least 8 Madden tournaments were happening on XBoxes–until, needless to say, someone looked around and said, “this 30th party needs a board game or something, and by ‘a board game or something’ I mean I’m about to shoot someone in the leg.”
Now to be fair, this gentleman might’ve done it just so he could keep track of who he drove to the party with–I’m sure there were a lot of guys wearing knee-length white tees, and after awhile, everyone must start to look like Casper. Plus, it’s a great convo starter with people there that you don’t know.
“Hey man, nice bullet wound; where’d you get that?”
The guy who was shot that night decided not to press charges, though several eye-witness reports claim that South Philly native Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog was seen squatting behind bushes with a “gun-shaped” object clenched between his teeth.
When reached for a comment, Bark-Bark merely had this to say, “If I was at that party, I wouldn’t have had a gun. But if I would’ve had one, I’d’ve been aiming for Michael Vick. And if I was aiming for Vick, I’d probably miss on account of me not having any f-cking fingers to point this gun in the right direction.”
Bark-Bark was brought in for questioning, along with Plaxico Burress and Mel Gibson just on the grounds that he’s purely bat-shit lately, but was later released when a fellow dog showed up in KKK robes demanding he be released and not left to “consort and rot in these cells filled with so much blackdom”.
And with the shooting victim unwilling to cooperate (“I’d have you know that I brought this bullet in my leg with me, thank u very much”)
All in all, it makes for some tough times in Philadelphia: the city and Vick are becoming more and more intertwined as many citizens haven’t been fooled by the Eagles’ management that it was Vick that left for D.C. and McNabb that’s stayed here.
I have friends who are applying to get a dog of their own to have, and I’ve forewarned them: take any trace of Michael Vick out of your home before the SPCA come to visit and determine whether you’re dog-worthy or not. This was my advice:
- Get rid of any black Eagles’ pictures–I don’t care if it’s Randall Cunningham, Herschel Walker, or Charles Barkley with feathers–don’t confuse them.
- Throw out any bottles of Vick’s Cough Syrup, Vick’s Vapor Rub, and definitely Vick’s Obedient Dog Treats
- As a matter of fact, throw out anything that’s Vick-sounding: if you have any copies of ‘Victor/Victoria’, replace them with ‘Tootsie’. Just as good. That copy of Invictus? Apartheid that shit pronto. I’ll give you a copy of Hoosiers. Same story.
There’s still a chance that they’ll Vick-it-up but I can at least know that I’ve done my part.
And now I ask that the Eagles organization do their part: cut Michael Vick. Like now. I mean he’s no loss now, right? I’ve seen him play since coming to Philly; his arm’s about as strong and accurate as Stephen Hawking’s, and he’s about as nimble, too.
Besides, we have to start the Kevin Kolb Era now; he looks like he’d rather spend his birthday at Dave & Buster’s or maybe getting his free Book It! pizza at Pizza Hut. I mean, he’s still learning how to read! We can build on this.
Even Bark-Bark likes him.