There’s few headlines that immediately send chills down my spine, but anything with Joe Biden, a man I’m convinced learned his governance politics from The Dukes of Hazard and G.I. Joe, gets me every time.
I mean it’s Joe’s very presence that makes me cringe whenever I hear Obama’s name during the nightly news because anyone foolhardy enough to include Biden in their administration is looking to have a national holiday named after them, if you catch my drift.
But there it is: “Biden to Iraq”.
How do these things happen?
I’ve got to imagine that good ol’ Uncle Joe must’ve muscled his way into that assignment, literally ripping the brief from Hillary’s hands during a meeting (“GO FIND YOURSELF A SKIRT, HILLY—MARRIED DAMES DON’T WEAR PANTS”) and then appointing himself as the “NU DIRECTOR OF STUFF SHE DID”.
His thinking? “LOOK BARACKY, YA DON’T SEND SECRETARIES TO DO A BOSS’ JOB, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?” (and then looks bewilderingly around the room).
Biden, who probably insists on being called things like “J.B.” or, “OPTIMUS PRIME” by the staff, was then probably sent to Iraq with the equivalent of “It’s over” on a Five Guys napkin signed by Barack and simply had to hand it over.
He’d nod; Barack would nod.
Then Biden would leave the Oval Office, stuffing the napkin into his mouth.
“GET ME MY TOMAHAWK CHOPPER—THE ONE WITH ‘CALVIN PEEING’ ON THE BLADES—WE’RE GOING TO IRAQISKTAN.”
This is what happens when two your V.P. has watched ‘The Expendables’.
So yeah, he’ll get there, and in typical Biden fashion he’ll try and handle things his own way.
Instead of brokering peace or announcing U.S. withdrawal, one can bet that J.B. will instead do the following with (or rather, “to”) Iraq’s leaders:
- First, he’ll introduce himself as an honored guest by bringing something like monkey brains or burning hearts or whatever else he gleaned while watching ‘Temple of Doom’ on the Tomahawk flight in. And probably a case of Yoo-Hoo because Uncle Joe looks like he drinks that kind of stuff.
- Challenge the Iraqi leaders to an arm-wrestling contest. All of them. At the same time.
- Suggest doing an “Strongman” competition where they’ll see who can pull a tank the farthest, using nothing but, “BACK MUSCLES, ROPE AND A LITTLE THING I CALL ‘CAN-DOISM’ ”. The winner “GETS THE UNIVERSE”.
- Suggest doing an “Ironman” competition where they’ll see who can make a flying suit of armor first out of IED fragments. What’s that–a flying suit sounds impossible? Not if you were smart enough to buy “magic beans” off that Iraqi boy outside the embassy like Uncle Joe did…..
Within 15mins, not only will we not withdraw troops, we’ll have jumpstarted a whole new skirmish with Iraq thanks to J.B. Trust me; this won’t end well.
So when it does happen, don’t say you didn’t know before hand.
After all, knowing is half the battle.