Megan’s Law

I was reading one of my many geeky websites the other day, and I noticed that there was a new interview with Megan Fox. I have a firm rule in life to not trust anyone that consorts with Brian Austin Green (what with me being Team Donna and all), but I went ahead and clicked on it anyway.

Looking a gift-less horse in the mouth

Fox, naturally, has been doing the press junket lately to promote her latest movie, Jonah Hex, starring her and James Brolin.  The movie got off to a rather dismal start opening weekend; it opened #7 in the box office at only $6.6 million.

For the uninitiated, Jonah Hex is a comic book-based character; he’s a lone wolf sort of cowboy that roams Frontier-era America banging local whores, beating up crooks and upholding his brand of justice. Kind of like Clinton when he was in office.

Jonah Hex also bears a trademark scar on his face that gives him a distinctive, water-cooler-conversation-type appearance, like say Tina Fey.

Anyway, at $6.6 mil, it seems that Hollywood over-estimated the public’s desire for movie’s about scar-faced cowboys that can talk to the dead (call it The Six-Shooter Sense). And not even Fox’s “Skanks for the applause” appearance (she–brace yourself–played the town whore in this movie. It’s like casting O.J. in a film as a man with “character flaws”) was enough to redeem this movie. I think the movie would’ve fared better if Fox spent her time on the press junket actually pressing her junk on members of the press. Sure they would’ve probably smelled like year-old, sun-baked boxes of Summer’s Eve (and is that a hint of Steve Sanders I taste?), but it surely wouldn’t have stunk as bad as Jonah Hex.

All of which brings me back to the opening:  Why Megan Fox?

Don't Stand So Close to Me: Brolin suffers facial scarring after reading Fox's filmography.

To date, Fox has about 4 movies to her name: the two abysmally-racist, oppressive Transformers movies, Jennifer’s Body (sadly, not about Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Lopez, or even the mysterious fat-people benefactor, Jenny Craig) and now Jonah Hex. If I’ve forgotten a movie it’s because it’s even less important than these. Anyway, with the exception of Transformers (a role that was probably identified in the manuscript as Skinny Ho in Jean Shorts) her movies haven’t done very well.

At all.

Megan Fox on the set of "Little Women Redux"

So, it makes me wonder: why is Hollywood still making movies with her in it? I mean, she’s not even getting naked in any of these movies (despite showing up to every audition–T’formers, Jonah Hex, How to Train Your Dragon–without clothes on), and what with everyone from Kendra from E!’s The Girls Sleeping Next to Death Door to Adam West doing porn, what’s the draw of seeing someone prance around in denim-cutoffs and cowboy vests for 20mins of film time?

And again, aside from the Transformers franchise (which she just got booted out of after referring to director Michael Bay as “Hitler-like”–when she should’ve said David Duke-like) her movies have been nothing but poor returns, though they make for a compelling narrative to Fox’s life story:

• Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen ($9.3 million)
  
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People ($2.7 million)
  
• Whore (not even reported! though there are reports that Austin-Green yelled the movie title whenever Fox appeared on-screen)
  
• Passion Play (not yet released, but sure to suck)

I mean really, the last time I saw money come in this low it was pooled around the bottom of a stripper pole

And so, I propose to put an end to this needless, constant employment of Stars That Shouldn’t be Stars. And in honor of Fox, I’m calling it “Megan’s Law”.

With Megan’s Law, an actor/actress/entertainer/Tila Tequila gets only 3 chances to prove your worth: after that, you’re required to register in a Hollywood system that will flag studios, casting calls and coke parties of your presence anytime you’re within 30miles of them.

Chris Hansen tries to get Adam Sandler to consider other career options.

It’s all about setting a performance bar for flushing out bad blood sooner and getting us access/exposure to quicker, better blood (I just read something about True Blood hence all the blood references. Hey, speaking of True Blood, if that show teaches us anything, it teaches us to keep your daughters away from pianos when they’re kids, because they’ll grow-up to be backwater sluts that sleep with fey vampires).

–Had a bad movie? Hey, that’s ok, even Antonio Banderas made Shark Boy and Lava Girl! But 2, 3 bad movies? Within 3 years time? You’re on your way to being outed quicker than you can say “Lance Bass”.

–Bad movies and bizarre public appearances? Strike 2 , son–you’re almost done.

–Bad movies, bizarre public appearances AND a strange relationship(s)? Dead. Hume Cronyn dead.

Put into effect, Megan’s Law would effectively end the career of the following entertainers/celebrities and their causes:

• Jamie Foxx (Everything since Ray. Everything.)
• Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four movies, Honey, choosing to have kids over posing on the cover for Maxim)
• Lindsay Lohan (Lindsay Lohan)
• Sandra Bullock (All About Steve, The Blackside Blindside, marriage to Jesse James, face)
• Will.i.am. (Fergie…’My Humps’….’I Got a Feeling’…..I mean, is it possible to lyrically do white-face?)
• Jesus (last movies: Passion of the Christ, South Park and He Got Game. Game. Over.)

And should they still try to appear at award shows, auditions or club parties? Why, thanks to Megan’s Law technology, Chris Hansen will be there on the scene to intercept (“What are you doing here? Did you really think it’d be ok for you to show up here, Mr. i.am? You make me sick. Wipe that white-face off and get out of here.”).