The Kids’ Table: Chelsea, Lately

Writing this blog by myself is pretty hard work.

I realized there’s strength in numbers, so I did the most logical thing possible: I called up a couple of my celebrity friends, and invited them to share their thoughts/input on some of today’s biggest headlines.

And when I say, “I called up a couple of my celebrity friends, and invited them to share their thoughts/input”, I mean, “I’ve scoured, cut and pasted comments from celebrity Twitter feeds to serve my purpose”.

And so, I present to you The Kids’ Table, it’s like the ‘Hot Topics’ session on The View, only with a soul. And intelligence.

First up we have one of the bigger mysteries in life slowly being answered. In an attempt to the answer to the question, “Chelsea Clinton: chminotaur or centaur?” the Clinton thing got married recently at a stable somewhere not too far outside NYC.

To discuss the wedding, Chelsea, and what it means now that mythological creatures can marry, today’s The Kids’ Table features insight from:

• Hip-hop mega artist Kanye West
• Arianna Huffington the Editor-in-Chief of trusted news source The Huffington Post
• Pam Grier,actress from ‘the L word’ and the ‘Cleopatra Jones’ movies
• Neurophysiologist Kirsten ‘Dr. Kiki’ Sanford
• And trusted white news source, NPR News

The Kids: So gang, Chelsea Clinton got married, a move that, to me, unsurprisingly made California re-consider its stance on the institution of marriage. Your thoughts, guys? What do you think of the pairing/her new hubby? The whole thing’s gotten a lot of media coverage.

Dr. Kiki: I am now even more terrified of the future of tv science programming, but I still want to watch.

The Kids: Yeah, I hear you, Kiki. What about you, Kanye; I heard you might’ve been in attendance at the wedding. Did you get to talk to Chelsea?

Kanye West: She asked me why I’m so dressed up?… I told her, “cause I’m not headed to the gym right now.”…… I’m just trying to do it all presidential style in general.

The Kids: Haha, you’re so crazy with the hip-hop and the bravado, Kanye! Thoughts on her dress? Reports say she looked ‘beautiful’ and ‘happy’, while I found myself only capable of thinking ‘sugar oats’.

Kanye West: Just cause you got a stylist don’t mean you got style

Pam Grier: I am auctioning Jackie Brown wardrobe to donate to PAALS for Life Animal shelter

The Kids: Ouch guys; better move on. Any information about who was else was in attendance at the wedding? I mean besides obvious invites such as Mr. Ed and the Black Stallion.

Arianna Huffington: Sarah Palin, “Mama Grizzlies,” Carl Jung, and the Power of Archetypes.

The Kids: the Power of Archetypes, huh? Are they like a wedding cover band? Pam, did you go? Did you have a date? In my dreams at night, I take you to all sorts of places you’ve never been, like Trenton, NJ and Pleasuretown.

Pam Grier: Paula Patton, Jada Pinkett, Beyonce?

The Kids: Yeah, that makes sense; as the first black prez, we know Bill loves the brown sugar. NPR, your job is to be in the know. What can you tell us about the guest list?

NPR News: Rights Groups Ask WikiLeaks To Censor Names.

The Kids: Ok, ok, we can take a hint! So here’s a pic of the Clinton’s new son-in-law. I’ve already offered my thoughts on him. To wit: ‘douchey’. But this is a panel chat, so I want to offer your initial thoughts. What’s this face say to you?

Arianna Huffington: “Regular men are a certain varying number of meals away frm lying, stealing, killing or working.”

NPR News: Police Suspect Serial Killer In VA, MI Racial Stabbings.

Kanye West: “I might bless the city today with an all white suit … why not.”

The Kids: So you think he’s racist? Interesting, ‘Ye. Did you guys give the newlyweds gifts?

Pam Grier: I gave her leather fringed chaps! She can use the chaps for riding horses or in the bedroom!

Kanye West: New flowers in the crib… potpourri too

Dr. Kiki: yes. cell space in the mission.

NPR News: Song of the Day: Tarrus Riley And J Boog: Major Riddims; Charlie Rangel: ‘I Am Not Going Away’

The Kids: All thoughtful gifts. Nice job guys. Ok, fun question: do we see kids in the near future? And by ‘kids’ I mean ‘a magnificent colt; one that bites children and gets to the top through nepotism’.

Dr. Kiki: Not that I am aware of… the malaria parasite exists in blood, is ingested by mosquitoes, then passed on when they bite again.

The Kids: I agree, Doc. The whole point of rich people breeding together is to preserve all that blue blood kind of stuff. And if one’s mating with Chelsea, surely there’s biting involved. No wonder you have a PhD. Kanye, you think the Clint-Mez’s will have kids soon? No? Yes?

Kanye West: No’s are usually longer than yes’s.

Pam Grier: You know that I said yes to Tom Hanks. He said it was a happy day to work with me, I began to sing OH Happy Day, he knew the words!!

The Kids: You slept with Tom Hanks?! Lucky guy. What do you think, NPR News? What will it take for these two to procreate? Downtime? Equestrian courses? Preakness?

NPR News: Drug-Resistant Staph Infections

The Kids: Really? The clock’s ticking on Chelsea’s biological clock; by my count she’s only got about 4 more good races left in her.

NPR News: More Girls Start Puberty Sooner, Like Age 7

The Kids: Ok, fine–what do I know? Ok, before we end this, anyone want to offer some advice for our newlyweds? You know, like keeping the spice in their life, how to handle fights, where to get great feeding bags. Useful stuff.

Arianna Huffington: Ask Tony Robbins YOUR ‘Breakthrough’ questions now!

Pam Grier: My memoir Foxy: My life in three acts. Throwing snowballs. Soaked in orange juice with mint and a cherry! Girls against boys. Boys wear a cup!

Kanye West: “Hey baby…Please don’t turn this into a 20 email conversation… I’m busy if you haven’t heard”

The Kids: Oh Kanye, you keeps it so real! Dr. Kiki, you’ve been quiet. Advice for Chelsea’s jockey? Would you perhaps suggest love? Or a nice grooming brush?

Dr. Kiki: I would guess it would weaken the outer coat and make water absorption easier, but that’s an interesting question.

NPR News: House OKs Funds For More Agents, Drones On Border

The Kids: . You’re right NPR News; in married, you’ve got to stick it out no matter what. There’s no escaping, what with so many people watching you, supporting you, and willing to shoot you. Less Facebooking and Tweeting, more HGTV and Food Network.

Kanye West: I hate to tweet where I’m heading cause every time I get there niggas be hitting Don C. like you here you here heard yall was here

The Kids: Exactly, Kanye. Thanks everyone for your thoughts today, this was fun! Let’s not do this again soon.

Celebrity Twitter #4: Break-ups, it’s the Pitts!

In the past, my supreme hacking skills has enabled The Kids…to deliver you some high-quality Twittering from the likes of “Uncle” Joe Biden, Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie.

Today, we’re proud to bring you the next installment: Brad Pitt.

Monkey see, monkey do

You know Brad. We all feel like know Brad too, don’t we?

Brad Pitt, of Hollywood fame, has it all: great movies, a Hollywood/magazine-cover-ready body, a big monkey face perfect for a revamp of Planet of the Apes, an assortment of Pygmy/aboriginal children from exotic locales and a partner who resembles a BJ-lovin’ praying mantis.

What more could he ask for? Well, maybe for those pesky break-up rumors to go away. But other than that, what to get the man that has everything? Besides opposable thumbs that is. Why a broadcast of his Twitter on The Kids.. of course!

Let’s do the damn thing. This jawn is gonna be hot.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Brad Pitt’s Twitter (permission granted by A. Jolie):

11:54am: hey out there folks. just got in from japan with a malaysian baby i got on the black market for madonna’s birthday. can’t remember if she’s got one already. fingers crossed, though!

12:04pm: as some of you know, i’m an architect on the side. i love to build houses and tear down women. anyway, creating a new work-out room for angie and i. angie insists i call her “angie” in public since she thinks it makes us look for wholesome and cute and her less “conniving and whoresome”. hi angie!

12:17pm: this new workout room’s coming together like a charm! it’s practically building itself, and by “practically building itself” i mean maddox, pax and zahara are putting it together. i really suggest getting these kinds of kids. they have lean ropey muscles perfect for hammering, lifting and massaging, and when you tire of them, you can

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

drop them off in south central or chinatown. save darfur.

12:32pm: watching friends. shh.

1:05pm: that was fun! be back in a bit, gotta get tissues or a towel.

1:22pm: just rented out the mann chinese theatre for a joint b’day party with the pitt-jolie kids and all of madonna’s adopted kids. we’re calling it 12 monkeys day. we’re going to have emilio estevez making balloon animals (he needs the work), a giant ball pen, a llama and salma hayek breast-feeding. tried to book the black eyed peas too, but their manager said they’ve already sold out. oh well.

1:33pm: man, i’m hungry but the fridge is like 14 feet away from here (rough architect estimation) where’s good help when you need it? oh right, building the workout room

1:55pm: folks, i gotta tell you; on days like this, i like to just sit on my couch and just meditate about all the things in life. like the importance of love, and building over-priced unaffordable homes for poor black people in new orleans. they need it. and ask myself the important questions like: should i have played benjamin buttons gayer so i could’ve beaten penn for milk? we’re about to shoot ocean’s 27: more man-love. should we stop congratulating ourselves at ocean’s 28 or 29? and is it ok if your partner likes you to call her your ex’s name when you’re making love? or if she calls you your ex’s name instead?

2:15pm: medicine time! time to take my mandatory sip from billy bob’s blood chalice. angie says it keeps me young and submissive. it’s in a vial marked “monster’s balls”. cute, angie!

2:20pm: want to continue my years-long design for the tsunami-sumatra folks. it’s a town that uses an elaborate water-slide instead of streets. almost done, but medicine made me so sleepy….

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

2:55pm: passed out after taking medicine. i think maddox and pax have taken my wallet.

3:10pm: found wallet. whew. now gotta pick a movie for tonight. angie wants to stay in. gotta pick something good. suggestions?

3:12pm: people have suggested twilight, quantum of solace and marley & me. can’t do twilight; angie finds any movie about the undead wooing an innocent “too autobiographical”, and when we watched marley & me last week, angie was confused because she couldn’t figure out “which one was the dog”. i’d pick quantum but i’m pretty sure she’s f-cked everyone in that cast. looks like we’re watching deliverance again.

3:29pm: pax just walked in complaining that he’s hot, tired and has been “hawucinating” because of the paint thinner in the workout room. kids are so cute. really folks, get some of these lil’ buggers. but get them outside the states, and make sure they’re organically-fed orphans. we buy everything organic: chicken, beef and brown orphans. end apartheid.

3:47pm: ok, time to go: angie’s coffin is stirring so she’s going to get up soon. be back later! watch ocean’s 14 coming to a theatre near you soon!

The Kids….are just Biden time on Twitter

Uh-oh. I’m looking at my Rol-y and it’s about that time, for Uncle Joe Biden to drop some lines.

I’ve reported in the past on the Twitter-ings of Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie, but this week we’re checking in on everyone’s favorite drunken uncle–Uncle Joe Biden!

I was only somewhat shocked to learn that Uncle Joe had a Twitter account; after all, I always imagine that Uncle Joe spends most cabinet meetings with his feet propped-up on the table, eating Twizzlers and launching NERF missiles at Rahm.

Something like that.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to share with you the latest Twitter-ings of Joe Biden, V.P. of the U.S.A. and Chair of the White House No Sissies Club.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Uncle Joe.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: SAY UNCLE!

11:14pm: HOT JAM ON TOAST I’M V.P. HALLELUJAH FALLUJAH THIS IS SWEET

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

11:17pm: NO REALLY I DONT THINK YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS JOB IS FRIGGIN’ SWEET. I JUST HAD CAP’N CRUNCH IN THE OVAL OFFICE. CAP’N CRUNCH! THEY DONT EVEN MAKE THAT CEREAL ANYMORE BUT I SAID DAMN I WANT SOME CAP’N CRUNCH AND-SHAZAM!-SOMEONE BRINGS ME CAPN CRUNCH LOVE THIS JOB THANK YOU DELAWARE

11:24pm: SO BARACKY’S ALL UPSET ABOUT THAT ASSHAT SISSIE ASKING ABOUT OUR PROGRESS LAST NIGHT. SISSIE. I SAYS TO BARACKY I SAYS TO HIM U WANT THAT I PUT THAT JAG-OFF IN A HEADLOCK BOSS? AND HE’S ALL NO NO JOE WE CANT HAVE THAT BUT I SAY BALONEY TO THAT BALONEY SO I’M GETTING HIM ANYWAY I’M WAITING IN HIS BUSHES NOW

11:34pm STILL WAITING IN BUSHES JUST PEED ON HIS DOG REMINDER AMERICANS: CURB YOUR DOGS

11:45pm: GOT’IM. HE’S IN A SACK OVER MY SHOULDER CRYIN

12:00am: ei549wij4n5lkm70s9-ids49w-4jjgsmbs=-0vini3q93-v8a0an3-q9z797363ob2b66n20aann80afn80-283q535onanfan.n.n2–8ina3qp0a==kafmn931-9-gngamapntwog48wq3i5on4-95-9nsn3qn35/sg-g9-=awa924no

12:02am: KNOW WHAT THAT WAS? THAT WAS ME BANGING THAT SISSIE’S FACE ON MY KEYBOARD. I LEARNED’IM, I LEARNED’IM REAL GOOD MESS WITH BARACKY U GET THE BIDEN BULLRUSH

12:15am: HAD SECRET SERV DROP WHINY BOY OFF AT HOME AGAIN. WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW; CONVINCED BOSSMAN THAT WE NEED AN X-FILES OFFICE SO BARACKY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF A COMMISSION INVESTIGATING ZOMBIE ATTAX. THEY EAT BRAINS YOU KNOW. CRAZY!

6:05am: FELL ASLEEP WATCHIN’ THE WATCHMEN IN TEH OVAL OFFICE. AWESOME MOVIE. IT’S GOT A HUGE BLUE GUY NAKED WITH A BIG WEINER. WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

JOE BIDEN DOES!

7:11am: JUST HAD PIZZA FOR BFAST BEST JOB EVER

7:14am: JUST SCHEDULED TO DO AN INTERVIEW WITH CONNIE CHUNG FOR MSNBC. CANT WAIT GOING TO GET TO USE MY LINE ON HER: SO WHAT’RE YOU DOING TONITE CONNIE? NOTHING, HUH? HOW ABOUT U LET ME WANG-CHUNG TONITE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEWT LOVES THAT JOKE

8:44am: BIG MEETING TO TALK ABOUT STIMULUS PACKAGE AND RECESSION SOLUTIONS. MY SUGGESTION TO THE COMMITTEE? PUT A RING ON IT! GET IT? BEYONCE SONG

8:57am ON MY WAY UP CAPITOL HILL TO MEETING. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED THAT I SAID TODAY IS ‘FUNNY HAT DAY’. I HAVE A VIKING HAT

9:07am: ME BARACKY AND DOUBLE-D’S-PELOSI ARE ALL SITTIN TOGETHER. I LVE THIS IT’S LIKE WE’RE THE AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES. SHE’S SIMON BARACKY’S PAULA AND I’M RANDY. LET’S DO THIS MEETING DOGS!

9:08am: BORING MEETING. DRAW FUNNY PICTURES OF NANCY AND HILLARY HUGGIN AND KISSIN EACH OTHER PELOSI’S SAYING ‘UR SO HOT’ TO HILLARY AND I GOT HILLARY SAYING ‘OOH BABY BABY’. HIL’S WEARIN A SOMBRERO I LOVE CARTOONS READ PEANUTS SAVE OUR

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

NEWSPAPERS

9:10am JSUT SHOWED YM CARTOON TO BARACKY. EVEN HE SMILED AT IT A BIT. LIL’ DEVIL. I’M GETTIN HIM SOME KOOL-AID AND PUDDING FOR LUNCH. MAYBE A LUNCHABLE TOO.

MAYBE!

9:12am: BORING MEETING PLAYING WII BOWLING BARACKY SENT ME OUT TIL IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DO MY ZOMBIE REPORT. I BROUGHT A BAGGIE FULL OF GRAPE JELLY AND HAM TO SMEAR ON MY FACE TO HELP CONVINCE THEM THE ZOMBIE THREAT IS REAL

9:57am GOT BORED SO I JUST WALKED IN THE MIDDLE OF STIMULUS MEETING IN FULL ZOMBIE MAKE’UP AND SAID ‘I AM HERE TO EAT UR BRAINS AND CONSTITUTION’ EVERYONE’S SCREAMIN AND RUNNIG NOW. ZOMBIES ARE REAL TO THEM NOW. VALIDATED. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

10:15am: I GOT A SHIPMENT OF YOO-HOO COMING IN FOR THIS WEEKEND’S SLEEPOVER AT TEH V.P. CRIB. CATCH YA LATER TWITTERS. AND IF YOU SEE ANY ZOMBIES YOU PUNCH’EM IN THE GUT AND TELL’EM UNCLE JOE SAYS HI. JUST MAKE SURE U’VE GOT A BASEBALL CAP ON OR THEY’LL BITE UR BRAINS. OR, PUT A RING ON IT! BEYONCE SONG

BYE!

Twit(ter) and Shout!: It’s Amy

So, thanks to our extensive neworking and hacking abilities, The Kids…already brought you the Twitter transcript from Angelina “I came from Atlantis” Jolie, and so we’re continuing our exclusive Twitter-ing by bringing you another installment.

A few weeks ago, Britain’s favoritest disease since the Black Death and Madonna, Amy Winehouse, was seen saving a woman’s life in St. Lucia after the woman nearly drowned in the ocean.

Then, not too long after that,Winehouse had her home broken into–most likely the woman whose life she saved was looking for some sort of antidote after receiving mouth-to-mouth from Amy Winehouse.

So anyway, with this flurry of activity around her life–she’s also recently been arrested for assaulting a fan in 2008–I thought it was prime-time (and fodder) to pull her Twitter transcripts and see what’s what with the strung-out songbird.

Enjoy!

Me f*cking smile.

(please note that all pictures, picture commentary and text were provided by Ms. Winehouse)

7:44am: BLAAGGGGHHHH! BUGS ARE ON ME TITTIES BUGS ARE ON ME TITTIES SOME1 GET THE F*CKIN POLICE HERE, WOT

7:58am: so srry bout all that, luvs i was havn’ me a nightmares and wot and thoughts there were bugs on me nippers sorry bout that

8:14am: twping wit me ryght fut beucuz i’m sh0tin some eroin into me left foot i am so hi

8:15am: purple

8:18am: so you ‘eard bout this sot-cow that i nickered from the waters in lucia and wot, right? the one i gave the mouth bizness to right? turns out she ‘ s claimin i given the old bird the clap she is fat chanc thar i say sine i only got ‘rhea…adn the herpes and wot

8:22am:………………………………………………………………………………………………..awteyj5teje9e55w-3jq39fca9-28BUUOI[9-4=0YJ4B 3O03=

Me f*cking house.

8:37am: hey now wot, wot? fell a’sleep at teh f*ckin laptop peed myself

9:00am: srry dispeared luvs had to mop up pee wit me hubby’s face fer a bit,

9:02am banginajonasbrotherwhile im typin this isfun tkae that miley you bloody muppet-faced wank-yank

9:02:27(secs)am: lil jonas bro is a’ready all done he is cryin into his mouse ears poor thing

9:03am: WOTWOTWOTTHISAINTAJONASTHIS IS MILEY MUPPETFACECYRUS

9:05am: lookin’ like mc wants to pay so’s i keep me yapper tight about our lil’ bang-bang so shh me lovelys shh

10:00am: off to get a new tattoo…this one’s going on me cunny…’s going to ” ‘allo world this is me wine amyhouse’s cunny mile jonas has been here” and wot

Me f*cking pup, Miley.

11:55am: yeah i’m back f*ckin’ wanker tattooman said some right down right meanness to me about me ladt bits so’s i bit’im and now he’s got the erpes and now me bits only says “cunny mile” but tht’s ok ‘cuz

12:00pm: lunch time yay crack! gotta go loveys….whitney and me are gooing to munch